Watched the new Adventure Time before Raw. Will be disappointed if no-one on Raw burst into song to open Triple H’s office.
Raw starts with a shitty song, of course. We open to an announcement of a main event, CM Punk vs. Alberto Del Rio. Should be awesome. Booker’s on Raw because Lawler’s still injured from last week, and the Hell in a Cell hangs above the ring like the proverbial Sword of Damocles. And here comes Haitch. OH MAH GOODNESS. Recap of last week’s show-ending angle, with the tease of an explanation as to why Haitch fired AwesomeTruth.
HHH says he fired them because of a WWE.com video they put out about a conspiracy list, and no-one should get in their way. Haitch says they got fired because they were full of crap, attacking a Ref, and a weak apology. The $250,000 fine gets put on Mark Henry for attacking JR and Lawler. Haitch again trots out the no one person being bigger than the company, and he’ll do what is right for the company…and then Vickie interrupts, and Dolph has something to say.
He asks what Haitch will do about Jackman punching him in the face and fracturing his jaw. Because he’s the kids’ hero, he can still compete but can’t eat solid food. He asks again what Haitch will do about the situation. Haitch says he doesn’t know what Dolph wants him to do, but offers security. Cody comes out and asks why Orton wasn’t fined when he busted Cody open. Haitch tells Cody to suck it up. OH BOY HERE’S CHRISTIAN. My Teddy Long senses are tingling. Christian complains about Sheamus costing him the World Heavyweight Championship. He asks Haitch how fair that is. Haitch reminds Christian that it was a Lumberjack match. Christian asks Dolph and Cody to join him in the biggest lawsuit in the history of WWE…but says he’ll reconsider if he’s given one more match. Haitch says he’s going to give Christian one more match…against Sheamus. On Friday, he’ll be given one more match…against Orton. And tonight, Christian will get one more match…against Cena. Christian asks if it’s a title match, Haitch answers in the negative, and Christian yells that THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE and leaves the ring. Dolph will defend the title against Zack Ryder. I’M MARKING OUT BRO. WWWYKI, exclaims Haitch. Dolph leaves angry. Cody gets the night off, and Cody says Haitch is a poor excuse for a COO. HHH is angry and puts Cody in a 10-man over the top rope match for the Intercontinental Championship. Teddy Long is sad he didn’t make some sort of Tag Match instead.
Cody Rhodes, Daniel Bryan, Drew McIntyre, John Morrison, Alex Riley, Ezekiel Jackson, Justin Gabriel, Ted DiBiase, Sin Cara and Sheamus are in. DrewMac and Sin Cara (BOTH OF THEM) are eliminated quick. DiBiase gets Cody back in the ring (he slid out) and Justin Gabriel skins the cat and almost eliminates Riley. Sheamus Brogue Kicks Riley out of contention and punches Gabriel out. Zeke eliminates Bryan and JoMo out of NOWHERE and AWW SHIT, hoss time. Sheamus and Zeke brawl. Cody eliminates Ted, and almost got eliminated by Zeke but uses Zeke’s momentum to eliminate the big man. Cody and Sheamus are left. Cody almost gets Celtic Crossed out of the ring. Sheamus gets distracted by Christian, but survives. Cody hits Sheamus with the mask and RETAINS. THANK YOU GOD. And Christian blindsides Sheamus out of nowhere and yells HOW DOES IT FEEL TO NOT WIN A TITLE?! Tremendous!
Recap of Lawler’s attack. Backstage, Otunga looks like a boy scout and talks to Johnny Ace about being a lawyer and Haitch not doing a good job. Johnny Ace tells Otunga that he’s got this, and TEXTS SOMEONE. Divas of Doom walk backstage and goddammit, Kelly package. I swear, Double K is becoming the John Cena of the Divas division. Anyhoo, The K’s and Eve are out against the DoD. And Beth is up against Eve first. Finally, some cohesion with the DoD. Nattie and Beth double-military press Eve and puts Eve in a…pretty indescribable submission hold that looks like an inverted Surfboard. Beth tags in and Eve fights out and tags Kelly. SMART by Nattie to lie down to avoid an Eve crossbody. Nattie gets tossed out but Kelly eats the Glam Slam and FINALLY gets the win over the K’s. See? The heels need to win every once in awhile.
OH SHIT here comes the World’s Strongest Champion. I do not envy whoever gets fed to him…and it’s Khali. Henry just looks at him as a $250,000 target. And Henry WAFFLES Khali with the belt pretty much immediately and WORLD’S STRONGEST SLAM on the 420 pounder and the crowd is SILENCED. Or maybe they just don’t care about Khali. Henry gets the crowd back and angry at him and walks to the back. Henry is best champion. Speaking of champions, the terrible one, Cena, is walking to the ring. My god, just graft the stupid belt on Cena’s arm already.
The Cell is lowered slightly for a nice visual just hovering over the ring. Cue Cena yelling promo #540743074676. He yells about it being a triple thread HiaC, and calls it necessary because the belt is surrounded by controversy, what with Punk walking away with it at MitB, ADR cashing in and Cena winning (AGAIN LOL) and the controversy will be over once the Cell door is locked. Generic yelling promo about not giving up inside the Cell and there is no way in hell that he’ll lose the championship. Nope, not when your merch is selling.
ADR arrives sans Ricardo, and right behind him is Punk and they're gonna be on commentary for the Cena match. And OH MY GOD, Punk resurrects his Announcer’s jacket. Christian arrives and they almost miss announcing him. Fuck you, Cena. You distract Justin Roberts too much. Commentary is tremendous, at least. Generic Cena match with Christian taking advantage until the Five Moves. Yep, headbutt attempt turns into Shoulder Blocks. Christian kicks his face in and tries a Killswitch and gets countered into the usual Powerbomb, Five Knuckle Shuffle, and attempts an AA but Christian rolls outside. Cena throws Christian into the announce table (into Punk) and it breaks down when ADR attacks Punk. Christian and Cena go back in the ring and Del Rio hits Cena with an Enziguiri for the DQ. ADR says its his destiny to beat the hell out of both Punk and Cena in the Cell.
Pump your fists, because Zack Ryder is filming Z! True Long Island Story AND walking to the ring. Dolph arrives with Vickie and SWAGGER as we recap Jackman’s appearance last week. Dolph’s ANGRY and brutalizes Zack early on. Dolph just pushes Zack around like he’s nothing until he sidesteps Ziggler. FLURRY of offense and WOO WOO WOO, Broski Boot. Swagger hangs Zack up on the ropes while the Ref’s busy with Vickie, and Ziggler hits the Zig Zag for the win. Swagger and Ziggler shake hands and attack Zack when BOOM…Air Boom arrive and forget their music.
OH HELL HERE’S TEDDY. Vickie’s given three minutes (a commercial break) to find a third man for a SIX MAN TAG. If she can’t find a partner for Swagger and Ziggler, it’ll be two-on-three. BUT WAIT, WHAT ABOUT ZACK’S TITLE SHOT?! Apparently it’s forgotten and yep, 2-on-3. Kofi stars with Swagger. NICE dropkick for two. Bourne gets the tag and DOUBLE STOMPs Swagger’s shoulder. Evan tries a snapmare, but Swagger’s got the ropes. Ziggler tags in and HOT TAG SEQUENCE~ while Swaggie and Ziggles isolate Evan. Swagger gets Evan in a shoulder lock, but eats the KNEES and Kofi gets the tag. OH HELL, Vickie has Mason Ryan. This does not bode well for Air Broskis. Swagger with a huge right to Kofi’s jaw. Swagger tries for a back suplex but Kofi lands on his feet, tags in Ryder, but Swagger hits a HUGE Clothesline. Swagger tags Ryan in and TURNS ON SWAGGER and Ryan decimates Swagger and Ziggler. Ryder hits the ROUGH RYDER and Air Broskis win! The crowd goes WILD.
But goddammit, if Teddy just restarted the match and kept Air Boom on the sidelines, Ryder would be champ. CONSPIRACY~
Backstage, Boy Scout Otunga consults Ziggler, Cody, Vickie and Christian and lays down OSHA LAW and they conspire about a class action against the Haitches. Back in the ring, Ricardo announces Del Rio, who arrives in a Lambo. Nice. Punk arrives and, yes, it is Clobbering Time. Cena’s on commentary. Punk takes advantage early with CHAIN WRESTLING and PUNCHING DEL RIO’S HEAD. Punk and Del Rio are outside and Punk returns the favor and throws Del Rio into Punk. But back in the ring, Punk gets taken down by ADR. Kidney kicks and awesome viciousness by Del Rio. Punk avoids a running axehandle charge and gets the advantage against Del Rio. Punk lands on the apron after a throw attempt by Del Rio, but ENZIGUIRI sends Punk to the floor. Punk just gets the upper hand and GTS attempt into a DDT by ADR. Nice sequence. ADR’s working on the arm for the Cross Arm Breaker, of course. Punk gets ADR to the ropes, gets free, but ADR sidesteps and Punk eats the ring post. Del Rio tries a pin, but gets two. He charges Punk, but Punk sidesteps and ADR falls through the ropes. Nice. Del Rio gets hit with a BOOT by Punk and Punk gets the nearfall. Punk misses another kick, ADR attacks Punk’s left shoulder (which he’s been working the entire match), and gets a near-fall. Punk gets out of ADR’s hold and hits a sweet-looking swinging neckbreaker for two. Punk hits Del Rio RIGHT ON THE JAW with a swinging heel kick. Knee/Bulldog combo gets interrupted with KNEES TO THE ARM to earn Del Rio two. ADR calls for the Cross Arm Breaker, but Punk kicks Del Rio’s head off for THREEEEEEEEE. But…the Cell is lowering! Rodriguez attacks Punk, but Cena intercepts him. Ricardo gets thrown and eats a GO TO SLEEP from Punk into an Attitude Adjustment. GTS and AA get countered, Del Rio hits them both with a STEEL CHAIR. Del Rio jams the chair in the corner and throws Punk HEAD FIRST into it. ADR then uses the same chair and punishes both Punk and Cena with it. ADR stands tall as his music blares. Yep, no-one beats Ricardo up but him, and that’s our show.
Final Thoughts: RYDER WAS ROBBED. The Cell lowering was obviously Johnny Ace’s call. Nice build-up to HiaC but I don’t think it was an excellent go-home show.
I wonder where this lawsuit business is going. I also wonder who in the wardrobe department made Otunga look like a goof with his boy scout outfit and red bowtie look. He does not look lawyer-y in that get-up. It was hilarious, though.
Eh, let’s see what happens in the Cell.