WWE Monday Night Raw Supershow, 1/23/2012

LAST WEEK: ACE SNAPS!

THIS WEEK: We’re promised THE HIGHLIGHT REEL. But before that, HERE COMES CM PUNK. He reminds us of his match on Sunday with Ziggles and describes Ace as: Failure. Punk says Ace sucks at life. Punk said Ace actually told the truth for once and plays Ace snapping from last week. But Punk has an idea, and it involves having two broken arms so it’ll be impossible for Ace to referee. He then invites Ace to tell him to his face that he’ll screw him. And…no Ace. Punk’s gonna go to the back instead, but is interrupted by…Cena? BOOVATION. Punk says he wanted a company man named John, but he expected Ace. Cena says he wants Kane tonight and wants Ace to grant Ryder a rematch and wants Ace to resign. Punk concurs and HERE COMES ACE. Ace says he stands by what he said last week and he won’t be intimidated by either of them. Punk wants Ace to come in the ring, but Ace says no dice. Ryder has Kane tonight in a Falls Count Anywhere match, and if Cena interferes, Ryder won’t ever get a US title rematch. Ace forces Cena and Punk in a tag team match against ZIG-SWAG! Ziggler says Punk should worry about him and not Ace, because he doesn’t need Ace. Swagger’s angry at Cena for the beating he gave him. And it’s OOOOON.

And Ace is sitting in with Lawler and Cole. Cena and Ziggler start off and Cena gets a quick bulldog for two. Punk gets in and he’s wrestling in shorts. THROWBACK! Ziggler counters a Suplex by Punk but Punk gets him in the GTS position and Ziggler wriggles out and rolls out the ring. ACE IS TEXTING as we go to break. Back from break Ziggler shows off and tags Swagger in, takes Swagger down, and mocks Ziggler. And knocks him off the apron. Ha. Swagger takes advantage of the distraction and Ziggler gets in a cheap shot too. Swagger gets Swagger in a RESTHOLD and Cena counters with a back suplex. Swagger tags Ziggler in and hits a dropkick and MULTIELBOW followed by SITUPS and nonchalant cover for two. Ziggler kicks Cena to his corner and distracts the ref for Swagger to kick Cena. Swagger tags in and hits the VADERBOMB For two. Jack gets Cena in a bearhug. Cena hits the Attitude Adjustment out of nowhere and both Swagger and Cena are down. Ziggler tags in and HOT TAG to Punk, FLYING CLOTHESLINE SWINGING NECKBREAKER KNEE BULLDOG COMBO and Punk calls for GTS but Ziggler counters, but Punk with KICK and Swagger breaks up the count. Outside, Cena puts Swagger in the STF, and Punk is about to hit the MACHO ELBOW but ACE DISTRACTION! ZIGGLER ROLLS PUNK UP! IT’S OVER!

Punk grabs the stick and says it’s fine for Ace to screw him on Sunday because he’ll beat Ace anyway. Punk says for one night, Punk challenges Ace to be a WWE Superstar. He wants Ace in the ring. He says he’ll make Ace famous. And Ace…ACCEPTS?! HOLY SHIT.

BACKSTAGE: JERICHO IS HAPPY

LIGHTS OUT. JACKET ON. BREAK THE WALLS DOOOOOOOOWN! And Lawler says Jericho will a) be in the Rumble this sunday and b) will give ANSWERS. Maybe. Jericho stands in the ring with the Highlight Reel set and asks the crowd to be quiet as the boos grow. He goes to the back and grabs the T-Shirt cannon! He asks the crowd if they want the shirt, and plays to the crowd. He grabs the camera and sets the cannon down, shooting the crowd. Finally, he grabs the Mic again and asks for quiet because COUTNDOWN TO THE MILLENNIUM! Jericho plays highlights of his career from his debut to his last match, to his re-debut a few weeks ago. And he asks for quiet again as the boos grow even more. HE FINALLY SPEAKS! “This Sunday at the Royal Rumble, it’s gonna be the end of the world as you know it.” And the lights go out. Jacket on. Aww yeah.

FALLS COUNT ANYWHERE: ZACK VS. KANE. Also announced: Miz vs. Truth! Awesome video package about the Rumble. Backstage, Zack tells Eve he’s OK. FOLEY tells him he can do this, but Eve is still concerned. Cena arrives and Ryder tells Cena to keep out of it. AND HERE HE COMES. And I like to sing with the radio and Zack is in the ring. PYRO and…lights go out. And here’s Kane, with his awesome welder mask. And Ryder looks like he’s about to shit himself. Ryder goes on the attack first and Kane tosses Zack off and kicks him in the ribs. Ryder HOTSHOTS but BOOT TO RYDER sends Ryder flying to the announce table. Kane BRUTALIZES Ryder, slamming his back on to the ring post and scoop slams him. Ryder is then thrown into the ring steps. EVE ARRIVES and Kane drives Ryder into the announce table as we go to break. Back from break, Kane tosses Zack to the barricade, and the apron and back to the barricade. Kane snake-eyes’ Zack to the ring steps for two. Kane tosses Ryder over the barricade through the crowd. Ryder tries to attack Kane with a briefcase which is on CONVENIENTLY PLACES BOXES on the side of the stage. Kane tosses him up the ramp near the WWE Logo and continues kicking Zack’s ribs. Kane slams Ryder’s face on the WWE Logo and continues kicking Zack’s ribs. Ryder’s continuing to kick out.  LET’S GO RYDER/WOO WOO WOO Chants, but Zack is out of it. Ryder’s trying to fight back, but a choke thrust ends that offense. Kane CHOKESLAMS ZACK THROUGH THE STAGE and Kane turns his attention to Eve. Uh-oh. But here’s Cena…and Kane runs away through the crowd as Cena and Eve check on Zack. The refs strap him on a board as Cena looks on helpless.

Back from break, Zack is on a stretcher and Cole and Lawler put on their serious voices. They finally wheel him out to the back, Eve and Cena in tow. They load Zack up to the ambulance and LOCAL MEDICAL FACILITY TIME. Eve says it’s all Cena’s fault before getting in the ambulance. Oh boy. Time for HATE CENA. Oh boy, Josh Mathews says John must feel awful about this, but ANGER BUILDS in Cena and tosses Josh’s mic away and ANGERFACE.

After the break, we’re still in Owen Mode as Jinder Mahal gets the Jobber entrance and he’s up against Sheamus. and Wade Barrett shows up to do commentary while Jinder’s being squashed. Yep, Wade’s putting himself over while Sheamus wins with a Brogue Kick. Sheamus dares Wade to go in the ring and Wade teases but backs off. Sheamus gets on the stick and claims he’ll win the Rumble.

BACKSTAGE, Mathews interviews the Miz. Miz reminds us that everyone that crossed him and turned on him became irrelevant. He claims he’s the number one everything. CRAZYTRUTH arrives claiming to be Eric Fleischer of WWE Market Research and according to his data, Miz IS number one…annoying, whining, nincompoop and…uhh…W.E.I.O. Which stands for, whenever people see Miz, they go What Else Is On. Without questions, Miz is WWE’s #1 Jackass. Miz starts on a tirade calling Truth out, but Truth wigs out and continues calling himself Flescher. ACE INTERRUPTS and he’s pissed off about Miz and Truth yammering on about number one this and number one that that he can’t concentrate on getting ready for his match. He books Miz vs. Truth and the loser gets the #1 spot at the Rumble. DON’T MESS WITH ACE! BUT NEXT…IT’S THE FUNKASAURUS!

Back from break, the Brodus intro, REGAL IS CON COMMENTARY and Funk is on an Roll as brodus and the girls arrive. And his opponent is the One Man Squash Band, Heath Slater. Laugh it up, Heath. Yep, HEath eats a shoulderblock, but he kits a dropkick, then Brodus hits the headbutt, SHEEWAHSUPLEX, SPLASH, WHAT THE FUNK, and it’s over. Somebody call Heath’s Momma and Regal espouses his own dancing skills.

The loser of the next match gets the #1 spot in the Rumble. Miz vs. Truth! Truth has a Little Jimmy Says shirt. Hilarious. The two tie up and Miz goes for brutal attack but Truth hits an elbow and Miz takes a breather on the outside. Truth incercepts and throws Truth in. Truth gets beat down by Miz, but Truth takes him down with a Thesz press. Miz spears Truth outside for the break. Back from break, Miz continues to have the advantage an puts Truth in the Octopus stretch. Truth gets out and SHOULDERBLOCK SHOULDERBLOCK JUMPING SUNSET FLIP for two. But Miz gets the Reality Check for two. Miz calls for SCF but Truth rolls him off. Tries for the Little Jimmy but Miz grabs the ropes and Miz DDTs Truth for two. LITTLE JIMMY OUT OF NOWHERE and Truth wins! Miz is #1!

And apparently, Ryder has a broken back, update from LOCAL MEDICAL FACILITY. BACKSTAGE, ACE is in a robe and OTUNGA is there…with a Fax! And Ace doesn’t like what he’s reading! NEXT: PUNK VS. ACE! IT’LL BE GNARLY!

Punk has arrived and IT IS TIME FOR CLOBBERING. But…Ace isn’t coming out, even after being announced three times. And here he is in his Future Endeavored shirt! With Otunga! Ace has some unfortunate news. The fax from the board of directors will be read by Otunga: The Board has become concerned and Ace’s status as Interim GM will be under review. Next week, there will be an evaluation. And the evaluation will be conducted by Triple H…and Punk says this means if Ace screws Punk, he’ll be fired. Ace says he’d like to extend an apology to him and the WWE Universe, and puts Foley in the Rumble. And he claims he’ll call the match on Sunday down the middle. Punk says if Triple H inherits any traits from his Father-In-Law, it’s Vince’s YOU’RE FIRED. Ace says he won’t be able to participate in this match tonight, but Otunga is his substitute. Otunga attacks, but gets put in the ANACONDA VICE which takes him out. Punk stares Ace down, but Otunga attacks again and gets taken down. Ace offers a handshake, which Punk gladly takes and GO TO SLEEP TO ACE. BUT ZIGGLER WITH THE ZIG ZAG FROM OUT OF NOWHERE! Ziggler stands alone!

Final Thoughts: Solid go-home show for the Rumble this year.

The opening segment was very Teddy Long. Ha. Tag match was fun but quick to set up the Ace/Punk match.

JERICHO FINALLY SPEAKS! And really, not all that much! But what he said spoke volumes and I’m excited to see what he has in store at the Rumble.

Kane finally gets his ring-rust off and gives Ryder the Muhammad Hassan treatment and Cena gets ANGRY. And Ryder is Batman, because KANE BROKE HIS BACK.

The less said about Mahal/Sheamus, the better.

Truth/Miz was fun as expected from those two.

The final segment was just a big tease. I really want to see Punk/Ace in a strong-style Japanese match. But it made me want to watch the Rumble, so they accomplished what they needed to.

WWE Monday Night Raw Supershow, 1/16/2012

LAST WEEK: Jericho wept. Zack got chokeslammed. Cena just got choked.

THIS WEEK: FOLEY IS HERE! Bryan/Punk vs. Henry/Ziggler is booked while Foley walks and so is Ryder vs. Swagger. Foley says he’s here for two reasons: one, he couldn’t bypass an opportunity spending the day at Disneyland RIGHT HERE IN ANAHEIM CALIRONIA. Second, he says he was content in a non-physical role the past couple months, but he already lived out most of his dreams like when he headlined Wrestlemania RIGHT HERE IN THIS VERY ARENA, but he has two kids that didn’t see him wrestle in his prime. He wants to be in the Rumble this year! BUT EXCUSE ME, Vickie and Dolph have arrived, THANKFULLY with no terrible fuck theme song. Ziggler says there are only 30 golden tickets to WM’s main event, but Ziggler says if this is one of his stand-up jokes and mimes Foley’s kids watching Mick being eliminated, but Mick loves that unpredictability and he MIGHT have the chance to win. Mick wants to win the Rumble. He says Cena ran away from him and beat Punk two weeks in a row and it would be horrific when he won the Championship from Punk and defend it against Foley at Wrestlemania. Ziggler tells Foley to go away but HERE’S PUNK in a swank-ass hoodie. Punk says it’s good to see Mick RIGHT HERE IN ANAHEIM and Ziggler interjects that of course they like each other, they get their clothes from the same homeless person down the street. Punk says he and Mick are a lot alike: They don’t look or talk like everyone else. And they don’t hide behind a woman. He says both of them also earned everything they’ve achieved unlike Dolph who has the an ACE in his pocket as a special ref at the Rumble. Punk will still be the champ because he’s the best wrestler in the world and it’d be awesome for it to be Punk vs. Foley at WM. BUT JOHNNY ACE IS HERE AND HE HAS AN ANNOUNCEMENT. First off, HE IS THE EXECUTIVE blah blah poop and he will be completely unbiased. And speaking of fair, he thought about Foley in the Rumble and says…NO. How can you say no to Mick Foley? :( And cue Vickie laughing. NEXT: Epico & Primo vs. Bourne & Kofi for the titles after last night’s title change!

And…uhh…both teams get the Jobber entrance. This should be short. And yep, Epico hits the Backstabber on Bourne to retain.

BACKSTAGE, Johnny Ace is approached by Otunga, who says SOMEBODY is outside. Ace rebooks the Main Event into a six-man tag with Ziggler, Henry and Otunga and vs. Punk, Daniel Bryan and…CHRIS JERICHO! Who smiles and turns the lights off so he can turn his jacket on. AWESOME.

BACKSTAGE ALSO, Ryder is not medically cleared but he’s gonna go to the ring anyway so he won’t forfeit his title. Eve will accompany him. Recap of Zack Ryder failing to change the tire on time.

CHECK ONE TWO, AWW YEAH. Swagger arrives with Vickie, followed by Ryder and Eve. Swagger gets a ton of offense on Ryder targeting Zack’s taped ribs. Swagger hits a Vaderbomb to Ryder’s back for two. Swagger hits the GUTWRENCH POWERBOMB and…TWO! Holy shit, Swagger tries it again and KICKS OUT AGAIN! GUTS! Swagger hits Ziggler’s multiple elbows, ANOTHER Gutwrench Powerbomb and finally, Swagger wins. And we now have the ALL AMERICAN AMERICAN UNITED STATES CHAMPION. Boo this man! They reiterate the main event, TEAM BEST IN THE WORLD vs. HenryTungGler…nah, Team Best In The World has the better team name.

BACKSTAGE, Zack is beat and Ace says he’s sorry for letting Zack compete and tells Eve to shut up.

And here’s Perez Hilton to a chorus of boos. He introduces Kelly/Alicia vs. The Bellas and I still don’t care. Bellas try Twin Magic but Perez Hilton pulls the fresh Bella out and Kelly with the ROLLUP! THE ROLLUP! THE ROLLUP! And the Bellas push Perez down and they’re instantly my favorite divas.

THE TRUTH HAS SET US ALL FREE and here comes CrazyTruth. But before he can say anything, BARRETT INTERRUPTUS. “Pardon the interruption, R-Truth IF THAT IS YOUR REAL NAME.” Wade, you tremendous bastard. He says this year, he will be named the winner of the Rumble, and thanks god that Foley won’t be in. Wade calls Truth a lunatic. Truth calls him GUVNA and Jimmy asks Wade why he talks funny. Truth says they’re near Disneyland and he misses Wade’s smile. He shows horrible Photoshops of him at Disneyland. And Pinocchio said he was gonna win the Rumble, but he lied and his nose got longer. He believes a Mouse can talk and an Elephant can fly, but he doesn’t believe Wade will win the Rumble. BUT HERE COMES MIZ and Miz and Barratt attack Truth. Sheamus arrives and OF COURSE TEDDY LONG IS HERE because he smells a Tag Team match! But oh wait, he calls an over-the-top rope challenge instead. I see what you did there, Teddy. Draw us in with the promise of a Tag match and SWERVE. Wade gets eliminated by Miz, Truth and Sheamus. Truth eliminates both Sheamus and Miz for the win. Dance, Crazy Truth, Dance! And Sheamus brogue kicks Miz on the outside anyway. Sheamus points at Truth with GRUDGING RESPECT.

ACE IS BACKSTAGE is interrupted by YELLING CENA and Ace says he made a mistake. Ace books Cena vs. Kane at the Rumble, then books Cena vs. Swagger NEXT…wait, what?

Swagger gets JOBBER ENTRANCE. Followed by Cena. Guess who fucking wins. Heh, he just assaulted Swagger. GIVE IN TO THE HATE, CENA. Scott Armstrong tries to separate them, but Cena gives him the evil eye. Cena continues beating Swagger, throwing him to the ring steps. Cena dismantles the ring steps and continues beating Swagger on it. EMBRACE THE HATE, JOHN. Cena is about to stomp on Swagger’s head, but he wants to use the ring steps to crush Swagger’s head instead…but PYRO! KANE IS BACKSTAGE and says by the time they face at the Rumble, Cena will have embraced the hate.

FUNKASAURUS TIME! SOMEBODY CALL MY MOMMA! Who will feel the Funk of Humanity today? His dancers are Naomi and the first elimination from Tough Enough. And it’s gonna be JTG. STILL EMPLOYED! And Brodus is shaking his ass. Brodus no-sells JTG’s offense and HEADBUTT. He asks the crowd if HE SHOULD GET HIM. SHEEPLEX, MY BAD and SPLASH followed by AWW FUNK IT and it’s over.

Back from break, and we get a replay of Smackdown Shenanigans and AJ getting run over. AND HERE COMES BRYAN! People are booing him and says people think of Show as a lovable giant, but he is really an uncontrollable freak and says AJ will never be the same. He says Show wasn’t sorry and those were fake tears. He say Show shouldn’t show up on SD and if he does, Bryan will make him pay. He plays up his match with Henry and dedicates that match to AJ. Bryan continues walking for his match.

LIGHTS OFF! SPARKLY JACKET! BREAK THE WALL DOOOOOOOWN! And Jericho kisses babies and shakes hands all around the crowd. Back from break, the Heels are here and Jericho’s STILL celebrating with the crowd and IT IS TIME FOR CLOBBERING! I love how Henry’s giving Ziggler a pep talk. Punk starts off with Ziggler. Amateur wrestling sequence, Scoop Slam, Kick on the gut by Punk and Snap Suplex for two. Bryan tags in and HEADLOCK. HMMMMMBOTCH jumping over Ziggler and he takes advantage with a leg lock and tags Otunga in for some offense. Ziggler tags in and the crowd chants for Y2J. Ziggler puts Bryan in a single leg crab. Bryan gets to the ropes to break the hold. Ziggler misses a splash and Punk tags in. Ziggler tags in Otunga and YOU CAN’T WRESTLE chants toward Otunga. Hahahaha. Otunga telegraphs and kicks Punk and tags Ziggler in. Ziggler with a neckbreaker, and Punk hits Ziggler with a knee to the spine. Otunga tags in and keeps Punk out of his corner. Otunga tries for a Superplex, but Punk headbutts Otunga and MACHO ELBOW! Jericho tags in and…plays to the crowd! And…tags Bryan in and WALKS TO THE BACK. HAHAHA. Jericho, you glorious bastard.

Back from break, Bryan and Punk are alone. Ziggler EATS A KICK FROM BRYAN. Bryan tags Punk and CLOTHESLINE CLIOTHESLINE NECKBREAKER KNEE/BULLDOG I’M FLYING CLOTHESLINE for two until Henry walks in. Henry catches Bryan and Bryan ANGERS THE GIANT and gets tossed up the stage by Henry and they fight to the back. OH SHIT HERE’S FOLEY! OH SHIT! Mick claims Johnny Ace says he’s in the match. Ziggler hits the fameasser on Punk for two. Two neckbreakers on Punk get two. KICKTOTHEFACE by Punk and Punk tags in Foley and here we go! Foley hammers Otunga and KNEE TO THE FACE. Foley’s calling for DOUBLE ARM DDT and hits it. SOCKO! SOCKO! MANDIBLE CLAW ON OTUNGA AND IT’S OVER! BUT HERE COMES ACE! He says he never gave him permission and reverses the decision. Boo this man! Punk grabs the stick and tells Ace to shut up and tells him to man up and tells him the people don’t know who Ace is. He tells the fans that Ace’s brother was Animal and he never amounted to anything and traded in his lame-ass tights for the lame-ass suit. He tells Ace that in the last year, he’s accomplished everything Ace hasn’t in his entire career so he’s gonna screw Punk but it doesn’t matter. He’ll still be better than Ace. But if Ace screws Punk, he’ll kick Ace’s ass and make him relevant. Punk feigns a punch and Ace flinches! Ace looks ANGRY. Foley gives Ace the thumbs up but Ace won’t have any of it. Ace grabs the mic and reiterates that he’s the EVP and Interim SOON TO BE Permanent GM of Raw and he’s not pathetic and won’t be intimidated. Foley says Ace should admit he’s going to screw Punk and tells Ace TO HIS FACE that he’s a kiss-ass. Ace looks like he’s about to explode and yells that he will and he’s sick and tired of being disrespected and pushed around and bullied. Each week he puts on great shows and he’s not appreciated. He says he’s sick and tired of it and CLOCKS Foley with the mic and walks away to end the show.

Final Thoughts: Solid Raw tonight with a great opening segment.

The Tag Title match was what it was, and it establishes the Tag Champs as a threat. I would like to see the Usos challenge the Colons 2.0 for the belts at the Rumble.

I don't know where they’re going with Ryder losing the title, but they did tell a story and Swagger had to use his finisher THREE TIMES to do it.

Don’t care about Perez Hilton OR the Divas match.

I would have bet money on Teddy Long making the Truth/Miz/Barrett/Sheamus segment a tag match, but oh well. I love them getting behind CrazyTruth.

Swagger/Cena never started, but I did like Cena’s beatdown and EMBRACING THE HATE.

Brodus Clay looks to be having fun with his new gimmick, god bless him.

The main event was fast, great action and Jericho was brilliant in his new Troll-ish gimmick. Bryan and Henry was just a tease for their match. Foley looked great in the ring.

But the big news here is John Laurinatis finally snapping and showing more personality than he’s shown in his entire career. I want to see a hard-hitting Japanese-style match between him and Punk.

WWE Monday Night Raw Supershow, 1/9/2012

LAST WEEK: The Ayatollah of Rock and Trollah returned to piss off the crowd by not saying anything.

THIS WEEK: We’re in Corpus Christi and I expect a dead crowd as per usual with CC. Goddammit. Anyway, Kane comes out to a dead crowd and uses AWESOME PROMO SKILLS. Kane says he sees the disapproving looks and hears the weak little whispers questioning him and why he embraces hate. He calls the crowd predictable and in denial. He reminds us all that we live our lives with pure hate, but don’t embrace it because you’re too cowardly or filled with delusions of hope like Cena. Cena represents hope, and everything they aspire to achieve but cannot. When people say “Cena sucks” they mean they suck because they can’t accept the hate. Kane calls the fans liars. He says the fans made Zack Ryder a star, but that proves nothing because Kane was seconds away from dragging him to hell. He says Cena only delayed the inevitable, Kane gets what he wants, and what he wants are consequences, the consequences of refusing to embrace hate. And HERE COMES CENA to spoil the show and Kane and Cena brawl and they head to the back through the crowd. Cena tries rallying with a tire iron but Kane throat thrusts him and…disappears?

Anyway, here comes Sheamus and he’s going to team with SANTINO, followed by the team of Wade Barrett and Jinder Mahal. Comedy Squash? Comedy Squash. Santino plays Damsel in Distress until the hot tag to Sheamus, hits his five moves ending in BROGUE KICK, tags Santino in and COBRA to Jinder ends it.

Backstage, Miz is angry at Johnny Ace for not doing anything about R-Truth attacking him. He doesn’t have any problem with Miz getting his own protection, though. He says he isn’t Little Jimmy, he’s Big Johnny. Otunga approves. Why? Why is Ace so funny?

The first inductee (aside from Mil Mascaras) to the HOF 2012 is Edge. Matt Hardy just wept. Apparently a second inductee will be announced tonight. Backstage, Mason Ryan refuses Miz. Eve finally accepts a date with Zack after her match with Beth. Zack looks spooked, though. And why not? Kane’s stalking him. Uh-oh.

Kofi has arrived because WWE.com had a segment with Bryan challenging him to a Champ vs. Champ match. They shake hands and lock up and CHAIN WRESTLING~. Kofi hits a pendulum kick and a springboard crossbody for two. Kofi tries Trouble in Paradise, but Bryan ducks and rolls Kofi up. Kofi reverses that rollup and rolls Bryan up at two. Kofi with a double springboard crossbody, but Bryan catches his arm and gets him in the LeBell Lock for the win. BUT HERE’S BIG SHOW for some reason. Show starts out, but Bryan interrupts by saying their match ended badly. Bryan’s a fighting champ and offers Show a title match whenever he wants. Show says Teddy Long says it’ll happen on SD, and it’ll be no DQ’s and no countouts. Bryan looks pensive, but accepts anyway. BUT NEXT: BRODUS CLAY!

FROM PLANET FUNK…the Funkasaurus, BRODUS CLAY! OH GOD. WHAT. WHAT. WHAT. WHY? Isn’t this Ernest Miller’s theme? SOMEBODY CALL MY MOMMA! OH GOD HE’S BUSTING A MOVE. THIS IS SO WORTH THE WEEKS OF HYPE. Curt Hawkins looks…what. They lock up and Brodus plays to the crowd and then kills Curt with some nice power moves. HUGE splash to the corner and a crossbody squashes Hawkins and that’s it. SHEEEEEEEE!

Backstage, Zack is brushing his teeth, but KANE STALKS HIM. Then he freaks out and runs. Epico, Primo and Rosa refuse Miz backstage, and Punk just laughs. Next: Punk/Swagger.

CHECK ONE TWO, AWW YEAH. Swagger is here and is flanked by Ziggler and Vickie. And IT’S TIME FOR CLOBBERING. AND HERE COMES JOHNNY ACE! He says he’s going to be fair. If Punk wins, Swagger and Vickie are going to be banned from ringside at the Ziggler/Punk match at the Rumble. AMATEUR WRESTLING~ and fuck this dead crowd. Ace is sitting in the commentary booth and actually prevents Ziggler from interfering in the match. The match goes pretty well considering who’s in the ring. Punk hits the Macho Elbow and…REF BOTCH! He counts to three! What. Yep, Punk’s pissed and the ref’s apologizing for screwing up the three count. Ace applauds the champ.

Backstage, Cena and Ryder TALK. Ryder says thank you again and Cena brings up Ryder surpassing Miz in Twitter Followers. Cena tells Ryder to keep it together but KANE’S STALKING RYDER.

ALSO BACKSTAGE, The Bellas have summoned RICARDO RODRIGUEZ all the way from Mexico give Alberto a message. But before they can tell him, MIZBLOCKED! Miz recruits Ricardo to call out Truth. Miz tells Ricardo to say the most offensive thing possible to draw Truth, and Miz will handle the rest. If not, Miz will make sure Ricardo joins Alberto on the injured list.

Our next inductee to the HOF…THE FOUR HORSEMEN! Fucking sweet. THIS THEME WILL BE FUCKING AWESOME FOREVER. The lineup being inducted will be Flair, Tully, Arn, Windham and JJ Dillon.

Ricardo is in the ring, looking very, very scared. He begs Truth to come out and insults his mother, his breath and everything he can think of. AND HERE COMES TRUTH. “OH LUCY, I’M HOME!” Tremendous. Truth says Hola and he doesn’t know why he wants to pick a fight with Truth. Truth says he isn’t a bad man. He’s the GOOD R-Truth. Little Jimmy said he should let bygones by bygones and let Ricardo go. He asks Little Jimmy if he should let Ricardo go, but the crowd says no. Well, you heard Little Jimmy. But Little Jimmy says Truth should turn Ricardo into a human piñata. Uh oh. Ricardo starts BEGGING for Miz to come out. Truth tells him to calm down because he’s bugging out like a little cockroach. Which reminds Truth…will Ricardo sing him and Little Jimmy a song? Oh god, this is glorious. Ricardo sings squakily at first, but Truth tells him to do it from the diaphragm and LITTLE JIMMY wants to hear it! Ricardo sings La Cucaracha with a little REMIX and Truth approves. Truth asks for it one more time, but Ricardo doesn’t want to do it, and accidentally knocks Truth’s mic down. He tries to apologize but LITTLE JIMMY. Poor Ricardo. Miz attacks FROMOUTTANOWHERE, and Truth finally gets some offense in and Miz runs the fuck away. Next: JERICHO.

Justin Roberts introduces THE ONLY MAN TO BEAT STONE COLD AND THE ROCK IN THE SAME NIGHT TO BECOME WITH FIRST UNDISPUTED WORLD CHAMPION…CHRIS JERICHO! And the lights go off, Swank Jacket turn on and the crowd goes wild. He’s pandering to the crowd again. Maybe he’ll wake this crowd up. Jericho asks for a mic and the Y2J chants begin. Jericho’s speechless, again. Hahahaha. Jericho’s teasing that he’s about to cry and asks the camera for a moment. He tries composing himself, but he’s about to cry as the boos start up. He mouths “Why are you doing this?”. He can’t talk and walks out of the ring. He slowly walks to the back, crying.

Back from the break, Eve arrives and I still don’t care. BUT IT’S KANE’S MUSIC INSTEAD OF BETH and Eve is scared to death. Zack arrives to take Eve away and they run to the back. They get to a car, but the tire’s flat. Zack tries quick-changing the tire. Nice. Anyway, next is the main event, Cena/Ziggler.

After the break, Zack’s still trying to change his tire and…uh oh, Dolph just got the Jobber entrance. And here comes Cuck Fena. Cena and Dolph lock up and Ziggler headlocks Cena. Rope run and Ziggler does it with STYLE. Ziggler hits a fameasser for two. Ziggler kicks a mudhole in Cena and RESTHOLD TIME. HEADSTAND HEADLOCK. Hilarious. Cena counters with PROTOBOMB but Ziggler tosses him to the turnbuckle. REPEATED ELBOWS and a final elbow misses. SHOULDERBLOCK SHOULDERBLOCK PROTOBOMB YOU CAN’T SEE…Kane attacking Zack! In the ring, Ziggler puts a Sleeperhold on Cena while Kane beats the shit out of Ryder. Kane CHOKESLAMS RYDER and Cena runs to the back after tossing Ziggler to the steps. Cena goes to check on Ryder, but Kane attacks Cena from behind and SMOTHERS CENA while Ryder’s knocked out on the pallet below. Kane stands tall as Raw goes off the air.

Final Thoughts: Pretty damn enjoyable Raw tonight.

Kane continues to chip away at Cena, and it’s pretty great. He’s forcing Cena to hate him. I don’t know about the line about “cena sucks” meaning “I suck” but eh, HE’S THE HEEL BOO THIS MAN and so forth.

The Sheamus/Santino vs. Jinder/Barrett was just to further the Barrett/Sheamus feud, so it’s a given Jinder would lose.

Edge for the HOF was an…odd choice. Way too early in my mind, but eh. It’s a nice shiny cap to his career.

I loved the Bryan/Kofi match. Bryan picked the best possible opponent he knew he could beat and beat him soundly with the LeBell Lock. I don’t know about the Smackdown main event reveal, though. I’m wondering where the Bryan heel turn is going, but it looks like he’s enjoying it.

Brodus Clay is your new Ernest Miller and it is AWESOME.

HORSEMEN, BABY. Long, long overdue, I say.

Man, Punk/Swagger was just getting good. Shame about the ref botch. Ace continues to be ACES in his role as Executive Vice President of Talent Relations and Interim Raw General Manager and also Special Guest Referee.

Truth and Ricardo had awesome interaction, and Miz attacking was icing on the cake. Batshit Insane Face Truth is Best Truth.

I wonder where the Jericho angle is going. The way he was crying at the end makes me think something else is behind his return.

And the main event segments (I’m including the aborted Women’s match here) were fine for what they are. They set up a reason for Cena to hate Kane, Ziggler came out looking like a million bucks, and Eve gets no title shot. Win win win!

WWE Monday Night Raw Supershow, 1/2/2012

Last Week: Ziggler earns a title match and Kane tells Cena to give in to the hate.

THIS WEEK: IT BEGINS.

We kick off with Cena getting the boovation as always. Cena wishes everyone a new year even if some of the crowd isn’t having it and chants YOU SUCK at Cena. Nice. He says he’s going to make some changes in 2012, he’s going to wear less underwear and he’ll win at Wrestlemania. One thing won’t change in 2012, he’ll remain who he is. He says the fans paid their money and he won’t judge how the fans react. Same old shit, really. He says he’s disappointed with Kane for not getting in a match with him and wants Cena to turn his back on the fans, but Cena says no. He says there’s no better feeling than being in the ring and will start the year off by thanking the fans but HERE COMES KANE on the Titantron. Kane says Cena will embrace the hate and witness its true power tonight and laughs. BUT THE END BEGINS TONIGHT OH SHIT.

DANIEL BRYAN HAS ARRIVED and he’s up against Cody tonight. I smell either Goldust or Booker shenanigans. Bryan kicks the shit out of Cody but Cody gets out of it and works on Bryan’s left arm. Bryan counters with an elbow and RUNNING CLOTHESLINE. Bryan calls for missile dropkick but Cody runs off and hits Snake Eyes and BEAUTIFUL DISASTER for two. Bryan gets a small package for three! Bryan rubs the title in Cole’s face again. Nice.

They replay Truth returning last week. Backstage, JOHNNY ACE and Miz talk about Truth. Ace reminds Miz that he attacked Truth first. Ace books Miz against Sheamus and says it’s better than being a sitting duck and walks off…and Truth walks into frame and quacks while flapping his arms. Insane Truth is awesome.

Nice 25 Year retrospective video package for the Rumble this year. Wade Barrett arrives and they recap Orton being thrown down the stairs and SAVING SMACKDOWN FROM BORING. He grabs the stick and says he doesn’t care about the new year but for him, it’s a fantastic 2012, because this will be an Orton-less year. He says Orton is the next victim of the Barrage and threatens to win the Rumble…and here comes Santino! And he power-walks around the ring and reminds Wade about his runner-up victory last year. This year, the Barrett Garage will be run over by the Santino Choo-Choo Trains. Glorious. Anyway, this is a squash, Winds of Change ends it.

Backstage, the Bellas are being annoying to the Miz, who says he’s glad Alberto got hurt. Miz cautiously walks around backstage while Truth stalks him. Sheamus arrives for his match and is followed by Miz. who IMMEDIATELY attacks Sheamus with the kneeling DDT and ties Sheamus up on the ropes, but Sheamus gets out of it and OW FUCK CHEST PUNCHES. Miz tries getting away through the crowd but HERE COMES TRUTH. Miz says he ran into Little Jimmy while watching in the crowd. Little Jimmy says he doesn’t like Miz and he needs to get got. Miz eats a BROGUE KICK from Sheamus and Truth grabs another water bottle and waffles Miz with it for the second week in a row. Miz goes backstage through the crowd. THIS WEEK’S WEEKLY BEATDOWN IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY LITTLE JIMMY WHERE YOU WILL GET GOT! He asks a kid in the crowd what he has to say to Miz, and he says HAPPY NEW YEAR. Tremendous.

Apparently the WWE Championship match is next. Backstage, Mathews interviews Ziggler and he says he’s a walking surplus. He says to hang on to your ticket stubs. ALSO BACKSTAGE, Ryder’s backstage and Swagger says he was born to be US Champ and HERE COMES JOHNNY ACE and books Swagger/Henry/Kane vs. Ryder/Big Show/Cena in an elimination tag match.

AND IT IS TIME FOR CLOBBERING! The WWE Champion arrives followed by Dolph w/ Vickie. I like big match intros for championship matches. They tie up quickly and quick pin sequences. Punk with a backbreaker for one. Dolph pushes Punk to the corner and Ziggler tries an elbow but misses. Punk gets momentum and LEGDROPS EVERYWHERE. Punk gets a headlock but Ziggler neckbreakers out of it. Ziggler stomps on Punk for a bit and finally hits the jumping elbow for two. Punk kicks Ziggler out. Punk tries to follow but Ziggler punches him in the face and Ziggler with a neckbreaker on the apron. Back from the break, BOO/YAY punch but Ziggler gets the sleeper and Punk counters with a side suplex and gets two. Punk hits a high kick and tries a high knee, but Ziggler counters. Punk counters into a powerslam for two. Punk tries a suplex but gets countered into a rollup by Dolph for two. Punk counters that into a rollup of his own, but they’re in the ropes, ZIGGLER HITS A FAMEASSER OUT OF NOWHERE for two. Ziggler hits a splash in the corner and reverse powerslam gets two. Dolph tries for Zig Zag, but Punk grabs the turnbuckle to get out of it and rips it off in the process. Punk gets the knee/Bulldog combo for two. Punk calls for GTS but HERE COMES ACE distracting the ref about the ripped off Turnbuckle while Ziggler taps out to the Anaconda Vice. Ziggler gets tossed into Ace! Punk goes for the GTS on Dolph, but Dolph gets out of it and tosses Punk, who tumbles out of the ring with Ace pulling the rope down! Ziggler wins by count-out! But Punk retains the championship! BUT MORE CRYPTIC PROMO! HE IS HERE! But who is he?

Here come the Bellas and the crowd doesn’t care. Kelly and Eve arrive and the crowd still doesn’t care. I don’t care either. Bellas use twin magic and rolls Eve up for the win. The crowd is SILENT.

Backstage, Ace gets yelled at by Punk. Ace says Punk’s problem is with Dolph. Ace books Punk vs. Dolph and assigns a special ref for the Rumble. Punk says he’s gonna need Otunga because if Ace screws Punk out of the title, he’s gonna beat Ace like a bitch.

THE END OF THE WORLD AS YOU KNOW IT IS HERE. OH MY GOD. CAMERA SHAKING. LIGHTS OUT. SOMEONE IN AN LED JACKET IN A FAMILIAR POSE! BREAK THE WALL DOWN! THE CROWD GOES INSANE! Jericho grabs the stick and the crowd continues chanting Y2J and WELCOME BACK. He’s milking the crowd now. God, I missed this man. He…drops the mic? Oh lord, he doesn’t talk, he’s just going up the ramp and soaking up cheers from all sides of the crowds. People are beginning to boo him now as he walks to the back. ARRIVE. MILK CHEERS. LEAVE.

The faces arrive, followed by Henry, Swagger and…Kane’s music? He’s not coming out. But HERE COMES OTUNGA. He tells Justin Roberts and Scott Armstrong that Kane does not want to participate. Huh. So it’s Henry/Swagger vs. Show/Ryder/Cena. Cena and Swagger start out and Swagger telegraphs a backdrop attempt and kicks Cena’s face. Back from the break, Swagger hits the Vader Bomb for two. Cena tosses Swagger over his shoulder and tags Show, who manhandles Swagger. Show calls for the WMD but Swagger tags in Henry. And the two attack each other until Show headbutts Henry twice and uses the ropes for a running shoulderblock knocking Henry out of the ring. Henry grabs a steel chair, but Show knocks it out of his grasp and uses it. Ref Scott Armstrong DQs both men leaving Swagger alone with Ryder and Cena. Ryder rallies on Swagger, hits the corner knees and hits the BROSKI BOOT. Ryder calls for the ROUGH RYDER but Swagger counters into the Ankle Lock. Ryder manages to drag Swagger to his corner and tags Cena in and FIVE MOVES OF DOOM. SHOULDERBLOCK, SHOULDERBLOCK, PROTOBOMB, CAN’T SEE ME, FIVE KNUCKLE SHUFFLE, AA on Swagger and it’s over. BUT OH SHIT IT’S KANE but while Cena walks to the ramp to cut Kane off, Kane emerges from UNDER THE RING and throat thrust on Ryder. He gets out of the ring and SUFFOCATES CENA. Kane focuses on Ryder and DRAGS RYDER TO HELL. OH SHIT but Cena saves his broski! FIRE FROM THE HOLE. OH SHIT.

I’m still half-expecting Jericho to run out and milk the crowd some more, really.

Final Thoughts:

Bryan/Cody was fine until the ending, but Bryan has a big match tomorrow/Friday.

Barrett/Santino was fine for what it was.

Sheamus/Miz was just a setup for Truth shenanigans, and they were awesome.

Punk/Ziggler was great aside from a couple Ziggler botches, and the Ace/Punk storyline continues.

No-one cares about the Divas by this point, why bother.

Jericho trolls the universe, marks out for himself, and leaves. The Internet is mad. And I’m laughing. I’m expecting Jericho to be back to HYPOCRITES/SYCOPHANTS mode next week, insulting the fans for believing the hype.

The main event was just a setup for Kane wrecking shit, and shit was wrecked. Ryder was almost dragged to hell, Cena’s slowly getting more boos because Kane’s just being awesome right now.

What with the slow burn of Cena’s heel turn (hopefully), Jericho’s very, very odd return, Laurinaitis putting himself in Punk’s match at the Rumble and Insane Truth being a completely batshit FACE, I can’t wait for next week’s Raw.

WWE Monday Night Raw Supershow. 12/26/2011

PUNK’S MUSIC FILLS THE ARENA AND…out comes Johnny Ace with a Best in the World shirt on top of his suit. Glorious. He calls himself EXECUTIVE VICE PRESIDENT OF TALENT RELATIONS AND INTERIM GM OF MONDAY NIGHT RAW AND MR. EXCITEMENT. People say he brought about the new Golden Era. This era will continue tonight at the home of the WWE Champion. Ace says he’s a Punk believer. AND HERE COMES PUNK to the approval of the hometown crowd. Punk says Ace is antagonizing him wearing his shirt. He says there are some questions…like what’s stopping him from kicking Ace in the face. Ace says he’s Punk’s boss and has taken management classes and learned to empower his talent. Oh god, Ace is funnier when he’s trying to be serious. Since it’s the holiday season, Ace would like to give Punk a holiday gift: The night off…PSYCH! See? Ace can be unpredictable. Punk and Chicago make fun of Ace’s predictability. Ace says he listens to the fans and they want to see Punk in action. Ace books Punk in a Gauntlet (uh oh) against three opponents of his choosing. And if one of them wins against Punk, he’ll get a WWE Championship match next week on the first Raw of 2012. Punk’s up for a challenge and asks what happens if he beats all three? Ace says he hadn’t given it much though, which of course Punk predicted. Punk says Ace isn’t a forward thinker. Luckily, Punk has an idea. WHEN he beats Ace’s three guys, he wants to give Chicago a fourth match: Punk vs. Ace. Ace says “You don’t want any of this”. Oh god. First of all, it’d be totally unfair to Punk. After wrestling thrice, there won’t be much there and it won’t look good for Ace to beat the World Champ. But, Ace DID say he listens to the WWE universe, so Punk polls the fans and asks them if they want to see Punk vs. Johnny Ace and they approve. Ace accepts! OH SHIT! MY BALLS! BUT NEVERMIND THAT SHIT, END OF THE WORLD PROMO. THE POWERS THAT BE WILL BE SHAKEN. THE END BEGINS NEXT MONDAY. BUT NEXT! Booker T Vs. Cody Rhodes!

WE CAN DIG IT SUCKAAAAAA! Booker arrives and they recap his feud with Rhodes. And here comes Cody to the delight of one girl in the crowd. Booker and Cody lock up and Booker still has it. Booker gets some nice offense and gets 2 off of a scoop slam. But Cody takes over and smashes Booker in the turnbuckle. Booker counters and hits a suplex for two. Cody ducks the Scissors Kick and gets a neckbreaker. He throws Booker out. Back from break, Booker takes over after a nice cop to Cody’s chest, but eats an elbow from Cody. Kneedrop gets two. Cody wears Booker with a bodyscissors neck lock, but Booker gets out of it but Cody telegraphs it with a Goldust dropdown throat thrust followed by a clothesline for two. Boo/Yay punch sequence gets derailed by a Cody dropkick for two. Booker builds momentum and hits a slide slam for two. Booker rolls Cody up after avoiding his charge and gets two, Cody counters with a rollup of his own for two. Cody avoids another Scissors Kick and rolls Booker up for two. Cody hits BEAUTIFUL DISASTER FOR TWO! Cody tries for CrossRhodes but Booker counters with REVERSE KICK. Booker irish whips cody to the ropes but Cody avoids the kick. Cody kicks Booker in the gut, but Booker counters and HITS THE SCISSORS KICK! BOOKER GETS IT! CELEBRATION SPINAROONIE!

Backstage, Ryder thanks Cena, but Cena says it’s all Zack. Zack asks about Kane, and Cena replies he’s going out to confront him.

Lawler announces Punk’s Gauntlet Match opponents: Jack Swagger, Dolph Ziggler and Mark Henry. Uh-oh.

Backstage, Scott Armstrong interrupts Show getting beauty tips from Kelly Kelly’s iPad. He says Laurinaitis wants Show in his office now.

Back from break, Otunga threatens lawsuit about Show’s punch from SD. Show says he could beat Otunga with one arm tied behind his back. Ace books Otunga vs. Show for tonight with Show’s arm tied behind his back in exchange for Otunga not filing charges.

Swagger and Ziggler bicker and Vickie says either one of them can beat Punk and win a match against Punk for the title. Mark Henry EXCUSES HIMSELF and leaves.

EVE HAS ARRIVED and I don’t care. But her partner for tonight is Zack Ryder, which makes me care. Nattie and Tyson get the jobber entrance so yeah, Zack and Eve win with ROUGH RYDER.

Cena arrives to BOOS. Cena panders to Chicagoans and then calls Kane out, but gets The Miz instead. Miz wants a match with Cena instead because he didn’t win the main event at WM because of Rocky. He wants to prove that he doesn’t need Rocky to win against Cena. Cena wants a ref and here we go.

They tie up and everyone boos everyone in the ring. It’s hilarious. LET’S GO CENA/CENA SUCKS dueling chants and Miz rolls out of the ring and grabs a mic. He says the crowd’s chanting the wrong guy’s name and says screw this match. Miz gets counted out but continues on his rant and OH SHIT HERE COMES TRUTH! Truth throws Miz to the barricade and BRAWL TIME. Truth grabs a mic and tells Miz he could finish this right now, but there’s no fun in that. That’s the problem with Christmas. You open your presents and it’s over. Truth says he’ll take his time getting to Miz. LITTLE JIMMY SAYS IT’S OKAY! You glorious, insane bastard.

Next up, Show vs. Otunga with Show’s arm tied behind his back. Yep, one-armed Squash. BUT MARK HENRY ARRIVES and decimates Show BUT HERE COMES DANIEL BRYAN who distracts Henry enough for Show to get his arm loose and Chokeslam to Otunga.

OH SHIT, HERE COMES EL PATRON…in a WHEELCHAIR (according to King, a Nova 500 Series Wheelchair worth $200). And Ricardo’s still introducing him as he pushes the wheelchair. Glorious. Alberto announces he has a groin injury. He gets disgusted at the crowd’s delight in seeing him in pain. But it doesn’t matter. Here comes the Bellas and they slut it up. Alberto’s annoyed and yells at them to stop and begs them to leave. Alberto promises that his new year’s resolution will be to be more vicious and aggressive in 2012 and he will be WWE champ again. Ricardo pushes him to the back.

Next up: THE GAUNTLET. Swagger comes out first with Vickie and Punk arrives with TIME FOR CLOBBERING. Semi-glorified squash, Punk wins with the GTS. Ziggler arrives immediately but SWAGGER ATTACKS FROM BEHIND. Ziggler zeroes in on Punk’s attacked leg. At one point, Punk gets Ziggler in the GTS position but SWAGGER DISTRACTS THE REF WHILE VICKIE GRABS PUNK’S LEG and Ziggler gets a Fameasser. ACE ARRIVES and says there’s been an injustice and PUNK KICKS ZIGGLER’S HEAD OFF and covers him, but Ace distracts the ref by telling him about Vickie and Swagger’s distraction…while Punk covers Dolph. Ace distracts Punk and ZIGGLER WITH THE ZIG ZAG! ZIGGLER HAS A MATCH NEXT WEEK THANKS TO ACE!

Kane arrives (WITH WELDING MASK) and he has something to say. Kane says what the fans see is the real him. He may wear a mask, but it’s all of them who spend every second living a lie. Cena interrupts but KANE GOT HIS PYROKINESIS BACK and stops Cena with a wall of fire! Kane says he didn’t come out to pick a fight with him. Kane says he chose Cena to attack because Cena led all the fans astray. He says Cena tells them to rise above hate, but that’s a fallacy. He says the world is a dark, dark place and it’s okay to hate. Humans are hateful by nature and that deep down, everyone hates. Why rise above it when the natural impulse is to embrace it and let it consume you? People hate their bosses and neighbors and spouses and their miserable existence. Rise above is a myth perpetuated by Cena. Hate is the seed from which we are all born. It motivates us, fuels our impulses and Kane knows Cena feels it. Once you embrace the hate, you become honest with yourself. You become free. What John fails to realize, is that with his denial, he grows weaker by the moment. And until Cena embraces the Hate, he can never be truly free. DUELING LET’S GO CENA/CENA SUCKS chants fill the arena. Kane says he’s going to help Cena embrace the hate. And everyone will help Cena with his path to enlightenment. The last thing Cena will see this year is everyone chanting the words that tear his soul apart: “CENA SUCKS”. Cena looks like he’s about to cry while the chants fill the arena. Kane smiles in the ring as this is happening.

Final Thoughts: That opening segment was hilarious. Johnny Ace has been great in his role.

Booker vs. Cody was great. Booker still has it.

Eve/Ryder vs. Nattie/Tyson was just meh. Not even Ryder can save it.

R-TRUTH RETURNS and so does Little Jimmy! HE SAYS IT’S OKAY! I love Insane Truth. Insane Face Truth? EVEN MORE AWESOME.

Otunga/Show was just to plug that plot hole from last SD.

The Gauntlet wasn’t all that great aside from Vickie shenanigans. I’m all for a good Ziggler/Punk match next week, though.

The final segment was gold, though. Kane retains his glorious promo ability and regained his pyrokinesis. And my God, is he going to push Cena to Hate, just in time for Cena/Rocky at WM? HMM. I’m intrigued.

Raw was meh, wrestling-wise. But Kane saved the entire show with that glorious promo.

WWE Monday Night Raw Supershow: The 2011 Slammy Awards, 12/12/2011

LAST WEEK: WWE scrambles to get the Internet community to like John Cena by giving the Internet a BRO-TASTIC RAW.

THIS WEEK: The Envelope please…

Yep, immediately. “TELL ME I DID NOT JUST SEE THAT” Moment of the Year Slammy is going to be presented by Booker T and Hornswoggle. And for some reason, Hornswoggle has a fake Afro on. The Nominees are:

JR Dancing, Santino becomes the Royal Rumble Runner-Up, Little Jimmy tosses water in Truth’s Face and Miz in a Rocky Skullcap.

The winner is: JIM ROSS! Boomer Sooner blares and accepts the Slammy. JR thanks the fans and never thought he’d get the Slammy for getting jiggy with it. And Cole gets in the ring and gets jealous and says this is a sham. Booker calls Cole a loser and bets tonight, JR can beat Cole in a rap-off. Oh boy.

JR, Booker and Swoggle walk to the ring to Boomer Sooner. Booker suggests Cole go first. Oh god, this will be painful. I’m not giving this rap the dignity of being transcribed. Booker says it was the worst rap he’s ever heard. JR doesn’t need music.

Michael Cole is a damn fool, The King beat you like a government mule. Michael Cole has no Talent, So KISS JR’S ASS. JR walks away with the Slammy. Booker stops JR. Oh god, I don’t like where this is going. Booker demonstrates the Spinaroonie and calls for the JR-Roonie. Oh god. Cole’s spazzing at ringside.

BACKSTAGE: MICK FOLEY IS WALKING.

Mick Foley and Ted DiBiase Sr. are presenting the next Slammy RIGHT HERE IN VIRGINIA to present the HOLY SHIT Moment of the Year. The Nominees are:

Sheamus powerbombs Sin Cara into Wellness, ORTONWINSLOL vs. Christian at Extreme Rules, Big Show and Mark Henry implode the ring and Evan Bourne with a SHOORING STAR PRESS TO EVERYONE at Money in the Bank.

The winner is: Big Show and Mark Henry. Show accepts and would like to put the Slammy next to the World Heavyweight Championship. He’s not much of a talker, so he’ll do his talking in the ring. His opponent? Wade Barrett. This won’t end well.

Barrett has a mic and says the award is a tad premature to give Show the award with what he’s going to do to Orton on Sunday. He says he’s coming for the title and WALKS TO THE RING. Show is in control back from the break (and there are Tables, Ladders and Chairs. Outside the ring, Barrett gains control of show after a big boot and positions Show on a table. Barrett goes to the second rope to try to splash Show, but Show recovers and breaks the table in half with his bare hands. Show throws Barrett back in the ring, but Wade has a chair and gets DQed.

Announced for tonight is Mark Henry vs. John Cena.

OH YOU DIDN’T KNOW? THE ROAD DOGG JESSE JAMES HAS ARRIVED. WELCOME TO THE DOGG HOUSE. He’s trying to be PG and presents Pipe Bomb of the year! The Nominees are:

…no nominees, just random funny moments. Some really good ones, like REALLY REILLY JIMMY and a lot of Truth moments, Punk’s sister’s text message, Cena’s Lady Parts and inane Booker T Commentary, and of course, Ice Cream Bars.

And of course, Punk wins. He…brings a mannequin with him wearing a Mullet wig and a Dynamic Dudes t-shirt. He’d like to inappropriately thank Johnny Ace. Hilarious. Oh god. A tribute to John Laurinaitis, set to THE TOUCH.

Old clips of him in the Dynamic Dudes and random stuff of his current GM gimmick. Oh god, this is so funny. LIFETIME ACHEIVEMENT AWARD!

Unfortunately, Ace is in the back watching Point Break and he accepts in Ace’s stead. Oh god, my lungs. Punk, you glorious bastard.

LITA IS BACK (from jail) and she’s presenting the Divalicious Moment Slammy. Nominees:

Nattie with the double Sharpshooter on Layla and Eve, Kelly wins the Diva’s Championship, Kharma debuts and KILLS BITCHES DEAD, and Beth Phoenix with the Super Glam Slam from Survivor Series.

The Winner is LOLKELLYWINS. Ugh. AND PINUP STRONG HAVE ARRIVED. Beth tries stealing the Slammy, but Kelly takes it back. Uh.

Saitino and the Bellas present the OMG Moment of the year. Or as Santino called it, the AAHMG Moment. Nominees:

Triple H tombstones Undertaker, The Rock Rock bottoms Cena, The Walkout and Punk takes the WWE Title at MitB

The Winner: Undertaker kicks out of the Tombstone. Bullshit, the Walkout and Punk Winning at MitB are better moments. Haitch’s music blares and here he is, with the Sledgehammer. He makes a beeline for the ring. He says the real OMG moment was Taker not leaving out of the ring on his own power. Triple H says the Streak came to an end that night because Taker is gone. Haitch plays the attack by Nash on the Titantron. He said Nash should have finished the job. Haitch says the friendship may have been based on lies, but this Sunday, Might makes Right and he will use the Sledgehammer because he is right. He says Nash is done.

Otunga WITH COFFEE MUG and Tony Atlas are presenting the Trending Star of the year. One wonders if Tony Atlas smelled any feet backstage. Oh god, Tony Atlas is laughing while Otunga tries to continue with his introduction. Atlas says he’s laughing at Otunga. The four nominees (Cody Rhodes, Daniel Bryan, Dolph Ziggler and Zack Ryder) will compete in a Fatal Four-Way and at the conclusion of the match, they will announce the winner of the Slammy, who will probably not be the winner of the match.

Zack Ryder arrives first, followed by Cody Rhodes, Daniel Bryan and Ziggler (with Vickie). And my god, this crowd is DEAD. Apparently, the first man to trend worldwide will win the Slammy. Ryder and Bryan clear the ring and SUICIDE DIVES to the outside as we go to break. Bryan and Ryder tie up in the ring. Ryder hits Bryan with KNEES and the Broski Boot. Bryan kicks out at two. Bryan moonsaults out of the corner and DOUBLE CROSSBODY. Ow. Cody runs in and tries pinning both guys but they’re still kicking out. Ziggler and Cody make a pact to attack their rivals. Ziggler tosses Ryder out and Cody and Ziggler show off. They argue for a bit until Bryan tries rolling Bryan up. Ryder gets back in the ring while Bryan and Cody do an insanely awesome pin sequence. Bryan gets tossed out and Cody and Ziggler double team Ryder. Rhodes and Ziggler finally go at it. Cody hits the Alabama Slam for two as we go to break. Back from the break, Ryder gets out of Cody’s Figure Four. Cody runs into Ryder’s knees. HE goes for the Broski Boot, but Ziggler intercepts with a clothesline from the Apron. Ryder rolls Ziggler up, and Ryder gets rolled up by Ryder. And TRIPLE CLOTHESLINE. HOLY SHIT. Cody’s the only one alive after that. Cody hits Beautiful Disaster but Bryan breaks up the three count. Bryan BRUTALIZES Cody and DROPKICK in the corner. Bryan climbs the top rope, but hangs Bryan up. On the other side of the ring, Ryder avoids a Ziggler clothesline and climbs the rope. Ziggler catches him and ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE RING THE SAME THING HAPPENS. Ziggler suplerplexes Ryder and Cody superplexes Bryan. Cody and Ziggler wake up first and slug each other. RYDER HITS ZIGGLER WITH THE ROUGH RYDER OUT OF NOWHERE. AND CODY HITS THE CROSS RHODES ON RYDER AND BRYAN GETS THE LEBELL LOCK ON CODY AND ZIGGLER GETS THE SLEEPER ON BRYAN. Ziggler hits the Zig Zag on Bryan and wins. But who is trending?

Lawler gets in the ring and announces that…ZACK RYDER WINS THE SLAMMY, BRO! WWWYKI! But ZIG ZAG! Dolph steals the Slammy! Are you serious, Bro?

Christian is presenting the Slammy for Game Changer of the Year…in CRUTCHES and NECK BRACE. He’s presenting himself with the courageous moment of the year for showing up with various injuries. And he asks why he’s not nominated for the Game Changer of the Year or Superstar of the Year. THE NOMINEES ARE:

Vince is relieved of his duties, Edge Retires, Nash Returns/Del Rio cashes in and Rocky vs. Cena is announced.

The Winner is: Rock challenges Cena. Cena comes out to the usual boovation as Christian hobbles to the back. Cena says this award isn’t his alone and he introduces Rocky…who of course isn’t there. Oh boy. Well, he is. Via Satellite. Which of course, Rocky isn’t there either. Tonight he’s having fun, and he does the hard sell for Wrestlemania.

Ricardo Rodriguez introduces EL PATRON, driving in in a beautiful 1960 Rolls Royce Silver Cloud 2 series worth $125,000. Miz follows as his tag partner. They’re fighting against Randy Orton and CM Punk (and yes it is time for Clobbering). Punk and Miz start off and Miz tries running away from Punk’s kicks. Punk hits a scoop slam leg drop combo and tags in Orton. Orton hits a suplex for one. Miz hits a kneeling DDT for two then drags Orton to tag in Del Rio. ADR and Miz tag in frequently to keep Orton from Punk. Orton fights out of Miz’s headlock with a back suplex and tags in Punk. Del Rio tags in and eats FLYING CLOTHESLINE for two. Punk hits the Knee/Bulldog combo for two. Punk calls for the GTS. Del Rio fights out of it and distracts the ref while Miz hangs Punk up. Del Rio takes the advantage as we go to break. Punk backslides Miz for two back from the break, but Miz with a sudden clothesline for two. Del Rio tags in and kicks the shit out of Punk. He works the arm but Punk reverses into a neckbreaker. Miz tags in and kkeeps Punk from Orton. Ha, Ricardo’s fanning Alberto with the scarf. Hilarious. Miz misses a boot and Punk gets two. Miz punishes Punk and ADR tags in and hits a jumping arm breaker for two.ADR hammer throws Punk to the comer and springboard kicks his ribs. Miz hits his running clothesline for two. Miz hits his boot and calls for the Skull Crushing Finale, reversed into the GTS position. Miz counters and hits the first part of the reality Check but PUNK HITS A HUGE KICK TO THE SIDE OF MIZ’S HEAD. The crowd is FINALLY alive but Del Rio grabs Punk as WADE BARRETT RUNS IN AND YANKS ORTON OFF THE APRON while Charles Robinson is busy getting ADR back to his corner. Miz tries for another running corner clothesline, but misses and Punk gets Del Rio as well. Punk tries the GTS, but SKULL CRUSHING FINALE finishes Punk off.

Orton runs after Wade as Miz and ADR celebrate in the ring. ADR tells Ricardo to bring in the ladder as they attack Punk with it. Del Rio stomps on the Ladder with Punk underneath and Miz calls for the mic as ADR APPLIES THE CROSS ARM BREAKER THROUGH THE LADDER as Miz taunts Punk. And now I’m sold on the TLC Match.

NEW KANE RESSURECTED PROMO. NEW MASK. I can’t wait.

Vickie Guerrero and GOLDUST are presenting A-Lister of the Year. Goldust says Vickie’s already won for wearing more makeup than him. The Nominees:

Hugh Jackman, The Muppets (if they don’t win this, WE RIOT), Snooki and Cee Lo.

The Winner: Snooki?! WHAT. Well, prerecorded message and says the Slammy is frickin’ awesome. She shouts out Zack Ryder and wishes him luck. WWWYKI!

BACKSTAGE…Josh Mathews interviews Mark Henry about competing tonight against Cena six days before his match with Show. Mark says the title is going nowhere. And Cena embarassed him, so Mark says Cena shouldn’t worry about Wrestlemania, he should worry about getting inducted into the Hall of Pain.

WELP, HERE COMES THE WHITE. Sheamus arrives and Jinder Mahal follows suit. Yeah. This is a squash. Sheamus hits a Brogue Kick and the match doesn’t even start.

Rey Mysterio is presenting Superstar of the Year. The nominees are:

Orton, Miz, Punk, Del Rio, Mark Henry and John Cena.

The winner is…CM PUNK! Awesomesauce. But of course, Punk’s been attacked so Johnny Ace comes out to accept on Punk’s behalf. And he reminds us that he is the EVP of Talent Relations and Interim GM. Also reminds us that Punk is going to defend the belt.

Mark Henry is walking backstage but interrupted by SHE HOLDS THE MYSTERY OF MY ARRIVAL. 1/2/2012. It will be the end of the world as we know it. OH SHIT.

MARK HENRY HAS ARRIVED. Shit just got real. Cena comes out and BOOVATION. Henry’s ankle’s still wrapped up. Henry throws Cena like a ragdoll just before the break. Back from the break, Henry squishes Cena in the corner and gets two. Henry with CHOCOLATE DROP attempt, but Cena rolls out of the way. Cena LEAPFROGS off Henry, goes for a scoop slam, but Henry’s too heavy and squashes Cena. Henry wreches Cena’s neck. Cena backdrops Henry. Cena takes the opportunity to YOU CAN’T SEE ME FIVE KNUCKLE SHUFFLE Mark while he’s down. Cena threatens an Attitude Adjustment but Henry squashes him AGAIN. Henry gets two. Henry corners Cena and puts all his weight on Cena’s throat. Henry goes for a running powerslam, but Cena wriggles out of it. He tries a shoulderblock, but Henry catches him in a BEAR HUG. Cena manages to wrench Henry’s grip, but runs into the WORLD’S STRONGEST SLAM. BUT…

WAIT.

PYRO.

LIGHTS GO OFF.

KANE’S THEME REMIXED! OH SHIT! OH SHIT! HE HAS A NEW MASK ON. AND A NEW COSTUME ON. OH MY GOD I’M MARKING MY BALLS OFF. Kane CHOKESLAMS THE SHIT OUT OF CENA. PYRO! Kane takes off the Hockey-esque mask to reveal the half-mask and HAIR. OH SHIT.

Final Thoughts: They always end these three-hour shows with a bang. This one doesn’t disappoint.

Enough of Cole. I’m sick of him.

Wade/Show was just an advertisement for their matches at TLC.

The Tribute to Johnny Ace was GLORIOUS. I hope they put that up soon.

Ziggler/Bryan/Cody/Ryder was the best match of the night. For a half-second there, I thought Bryan would win, but alas.

Orton/Punk vs. Miz/ADR was pretty good, but formulaic.

And then there was the Henry/Cena match. But who cares about the match, KANE. With HAIR. And MASK. And Noose-inspired costume. Oh god, I’m marking out.

The Slammy crap was worth it just for Kane killing Cena.

WWE Monday Night Raw Supershow, 12/5/2011

LAST WEEK: Punk Retains! JoMo leaves! WWWYKI!

THIS WEEK: Cena arrives to a chorus of MIXED REACTION. Cena recaps the Piper’s Pit segment from last week, telling the audience that’s exactly how Piper’s feeling. Cena does the usual crowd ass-kissing, and says the crowd has earned the right to boo him or cheer him. Cena says he’s been dealing with those reactions for years, but the biggest deal was the slap. Not the one Piper gave him, it was the slap of the ref for three of Punk successfully defending against Del Rio, and interjects himself as a number one contender, because Cena/Rock may be big, but Cena/Rock for the championship would be bigger. DEL RIO INTERRUPTS and says that the championship match is his. He reminds Cena that Ace said that if Punk DQ’s himself, Del Rio would win. Del Rio shows us the Exposed Turnbuckle GTS on the Titantron, and claims Punk cheated on purpose. It’s not his fault the Ref didn’t see it and he should be Champ right now. BUT EXCUSE ME, Vickie has arrived with Dolph Ziggler. She says neither one of them deserve a championship match. But Ziggler does. Ziggler says he beat Orton last week on Raw, and is the current longest-reigning champion. He claims he’ll be both US and WWE Champ and he puts on the best matches each week on purpose. Cena says Show-Off isn’t exactly what Ziggler is, but he came up with something else: Jerk-Off, but Ziggler counters that he can back it up any night. Cena says Ziggler claims to back his skills up, but he refuses to defend the US Championship against someone who deserves it: Zack Ryder. And the crowd goes WOO WOO WOO. Ziggler says the title shot goes to WAIT HERE COMES THE MIZ. And he asks the obvious question: Really. He has some news: THE SLAMMYS ARE NEXT WEEK, He had a title reign longer than a month (looking at Alberto), and he doesn’t need Vickie Guerrero to get a reaction (looking at Ziggler). Miz claims he’s going to be 2011’s Superstar Of The Year and next WWE Champion.

BUT HERE COMES JOHNNY ACE and yes he is still Executive VP of Talent Relations and Interim GM of Monday Night Raw. He says he’s been falsely accused by CM Punk of being a boring corporate figurehead incapable of making decisions creatively. And he’ll shatter that perception NIGHT NOW. Each of the four guys in the ring will face a Smackdown guy and whoever wins joins the WWE Championship match at TLC. AND there will be a contract signing with Punk! Cena, though, is the exception. Ace calls it the “Social Experiment” and tells Cena to see him in his office to find out who he’ll face. Miz’s match is next, and it’s against RANDY ORTON. And the smile leaves Miz’s face.

Miz and Orton lock up and takes Miz down early. Miz kicks Orton’s knee and attacks Orton mercilessly. Orton reverses and gains the advantage. Clothesline brings Miz down and Orton attacks Miz’s joints. Miz telegraphs and takes advantage of Orton. Miz headlocks Orton and Orton tries rallying but REALITY CHECK gets Miz two. Orton counters Miz’s headlock into a backdrop. Miz tries his corner clothesline but FIVE MOVES. CLOTHESLINE CLOTHESLINE SCOOP SLAM DDT…GETS INTERRUPTED by a Backdrop! BUT MIZ GETS SCOOP SLAMMED ON THE FLOOR BUT HERE COMES WADE! And he walks slowly toward Orton. Orton gives chase and MIZ WINS VIA COUNTOUT. Wade Barrett, you glorious bastard. Miz gets into the match! BUT ORTON IS ANGRY and goes for Miz, but Barrett hits Orton from behind!

WWE Network’s video shows off WWE’s brilliant editing team. I’m pumped. Zack Ryder is backstage with Johnny Ace! And Ace is saying Ziggler is complaining that an online petition does no grant title shots…and Ace agrees. But here comes Cena in full Broski regalia (headband/Wig, Sunglasses) and asks what the Social Experiment is. Ace is going to put Cena in a match against a very popular superstar…Zack Ryder?! What a tweest. Zack and Cena refuse, but Ace sweetens the pot: If Zack wins, he’ll get a US Title shot against Ziggler. AWKWARD BROSKI LOOKS. OTUNGA IS BACKSTAGE and talking to…Kevin Nash! A Sledgehammer Ladder match is signed. A Sledgehammer will be hanging above the ring and whoever gets it first can use it until the match ends. Nash also has a match tonight. I like Otunga being Laurinaitis’ gofer.

EL PATRON ARRIVES in a beautiful red 2012 Maserati Grand Turismo worth $160,000. And his opponent? DANIEL BRYAN. This will be so good. Bryan’s ribs are taped up after that top rope World’s Strongest Slam from last week. Also shut up, Cole. Del Rio immediately goes after the ribs. Hammer Throw to the turnbuckle hits Bryan hard, but Bryan counters with a moonsault flip and some kicks. Bryan gets a guillotine in before being thrown into the ropes. Del Rio puts Bryan in the Cross Arm Breaker and Bryan taps quick.

Backstage, ALICIA FOX, KELLY KELLY AND EVE WALK. IT’s just Eve and Kelly against Beth and Nattie. a Pinup Strong video plays but INTERRUPTED BY MYSTERIOUS PROMO ABOUT JANUARY 2, 2012 about a “prophet” emerging to destroy the weak. And it says LOOK WITHIN…and the Pinup Strong promo continues. Odd. Double Russian Leg Sweep brings Kelly down. Beth scoop slams Kelly and puts her in a headlock. And…uhh…Kelly rolls Beth up randomly. Yeah. What.

WWWYKI! Zack Ryder arrives and he’s filming for Z!TLIS. He awaits Cena, who arrives to another mixed reaction. Cena and Ryder shake hands as the match starts. They tie up and they’re actually chain wrestling. They rin the ropes and Ryder hits a flying elbow on Cena. Another rope sequence, Cena gets a hiptoss on Ryder and headlocks him. Ryder rolls Cena over and gets a FLAPJACK for one. Back on a headlock, Cena tries for an AA but Ryder fights out of it and puts on a headlock. Cena gets out of it with his strength, but Ryder telegraphed the irish whip into a neckbreaker. Cena backdrops Ryder, but KNEES TO THE FACE, MISSILE DROPKICK and gets two. Ryder climbs up top, but Cena intercepts with an AA position. Ryder counters into a TORNADO DDT and gets TWOOOOOOOO. Ryder calls for the Rough Ryder, but Cena ducks and SHOULDERBLOCK SHOULDERBLOCK PROTOBOMB YOU CAN’T SEE ME FIVE KNUCKLE SHUFFLE AA position Ryder gets out of it, Cena‘s head hits the turnbuckle and RYDER HITS THE BROSKI BOOT. WWW! Ryder calls for the Rough Ryder again, but Cena catches him with the AA and that’s it. Cena helps Ryder up, but Ryder goes ARE YOU SERIOUS BRO and TENSION MOUNTS. Cena gets out of the ring to talk to Ace.

BACKSTAGE, Cena tells Ace to listen to the people. He tells Ace that Zack worked his ass off and he deserves a US title shot. Ace says there’s one condition: For Zack to get another shot at the US Title, Cena should give up his newly-won title shot. Cena says he’s a ten-time champion and he worked his ass off. Ryder worked HIS ass off as well and Cena gives his title shot up. Ryder’s got a match next. If he wins, he gets a title shot.

NEW KANE RESURRECTED PROMO and I am EXCITED. He…he’s putting the mask back on. Oh god. I am marking my balls off.

IN THE RING, Ryder’s match will be No Countouts and No DQ. And his opponent is…Mark Henry. Oh shit. Are you fucking serious, Bro? Henry’s still got a bandaged ankle. Henry brings Zack down and manhandles him pretty quickly. Henry vice grips Zack’s shoulder, but ZACK STEPS ON HENRY’S FOOT and tries a rally, but ELBOW TO THE FACE. Henry throws Zack around. ZACK KCISK HENRY IN THE FACE and ANKLE TO THE TURNBUCKLE. BROSKI BOOT! Henry throws Ryder out! CENA ARRIVES and Henry blocks the Rough Ryder. CENA RUNS IN! NO DQ! ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT ON HENRY! CENA DRAGS RYDER ON TOP OF HENRY! THAT’S IT! HE HAS HIS SHOT, BRO! Cena raises Ryder’s hand!

BACKSTAGE! Vickie can’t reverse the Ref’s decision because it was no DQ. Ace DID tell her who Ziggler’s opponent is: SHEAMUS. Swagger offers his services, but Ziggler refuses. NEXT: NASH IS WALKING BACKSTAGE. Be careful of your Quad, Kev.

Nash arrives with a SLEDGEHAMMER and wait, is that his TNA gear? HA. He puts the Sledgehammer on the announce table. And his opponent? Uh oh, it’s Santino. And he threatens Kev with the Cobra. Yeah, this is a squash. Sidewalk slam gets Kev two. Kev boots Santino’s face off, pulls the straps down and POWERBOMBS SANTINO. That’s IT. He grabs the Sledgehammer and…wait, he isn’t going to beat Santino up with it, is he? Santino’s begging off but Kev simply poses with it and walks away.

BACKSTAGE, Punk is talking with Evan Bourne (probably not about synthetic marijuana). HERE COMES ZIGGLER WITH HIS CRAPPY NEW (old?) THEME! AND HERE COMES SHEAMUS WITHOUT SKIN PIGMENT! Ziggler avoids Sheamus’ offense at first but they finally lock up and Sheamus pours on the pressure with a hard headlock and forearm plant. Sheamus hits a shoulderblock, but Ziggler hits a dropkick for one. Ziggler drags Sheamus to the corner ans slaps him but SHEAMUS ANSWERS with a forearm. Sheamus hits the Chest Punches on the reps, snap suplex and gets two. Sheamus eats a European uppercut and a neckbreaker and TWO. Ziggler continues putting pressure on Sheamus and gets a headlock on. Sheamus tosses him off and Ziggler counters with a FAMEASSER for two. Ziggler puts a headlock on Sheamus, who hits a throwaway slam. ACHE HANDLE AXE HANDLE AXE HANDLE. HEADBUTTS IN THE CORNER. CLOTHESLINE. Sheamus calls for the Celtic Cross, but Ziggler gets out of it and tosses Sheamus into the ring post. BUT ZACK RYDER ARRIVES TO DISTRACT DOLPH. He runs to the ring but stops before getting in and BROGUE KICK OUT OF NOWHERE GETS THREE!

Back in the ring, ROUGH RYDER ON ZIGGLER. Ryder poses with the US Title and fist pumps with the crowd. WWWYKI! Up Next, Del Rio, Miz and Punk SIGN CONTRACTS~

IN THE RING. MIZ AND DEL RIO ARE IN SUITS. And heeeeeeeeeere’s Johnny Ace! Ace says it’s exciting time to be a fan, because of the STILL FORTHCOMING debut of Brodus Clay, The Slammy’s next week and next week’s main event, Mark Henry vs. John Cena. It is Ace’s pleasure to introduce YOOOUR WWE CHAMPION, CM Punk. Without a Suit. Punk doesn’t sit down and just rearranges furniture. Ace asks what he’s doing, and Punk says this is WWE’s biggest cliché, a contract signing. It always, ALWAYS ends in a Pier 6 Brawl (which he hopes will trend tonight) and since Ace is devoid of Charisma, Punk wants a peaceful contract signing for the first time since Wrestlemania 3. Ace can be Jack Tunney, they can just sign the contract and they can all fight. Ace calls himself Mr. Excitement (oh lord) and since he IS Mr. Excitement, it won’t be a normal Triple Threat. It’s going to be a Triple Threat TLC Match. Punk says he’s OK with that. Miz says he took JoMo and Truth out. Like on a date, Punk asks. Based on his fauxhawk and prima-donna attitude, he must have taken them out to the new Twilight movie. NOT THAT THERE’S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT. Punk, you glorious bastard. Miz says he injured JoMo so bad, Ace released him, which is the cue for Ace to wish JoMo all the best in his future endeavors. My god, Ace has been funny the past few weeks. Miz says he doesn’t regret it. Those two were once his friends, imagine what he’ll do to Punk and Del Rio, both of whom he doesn’t like. With Tables, Ladders and Chairs, he’ll take the title back. Punk says he agrees with one thing Miz said: they don’t like each other. Punk says he doesn’t concern himself with hanging out in Hollywood and TMZ, he concerns himself at being the best wrestler in the world. Del Rio says the both of them are crying like little girls. He says HE is the best in the world. This year, he won everything: Royal Rumble, MitB, and the WWE Championship and there’s nothing anyone can do about it. You know why? asks ADR. Punk interrupts and says if ADR says it is his Destiny, he swears to Jebus that he’ll start drinking. GLORIOUS. Miz has had enough. Him an Del Rio aren’t friends and at TLC they’ll tear each other apart. But one thing they can agree on, no matter what happens, Punk isn’t walking out the WWE Champion. Miz signs the contract. Del Rio agrees and signs as well. Punk signs and the Triple Threat TLC Match is ON. Ace wishes them good luck and he’s looking forward to the match. He calls for a WWE.com photographer to take a picture for the front page. Punk scoffs at this and says contract signings are supposed to end in brawls. He says if you want anything done right, you have to do it yourself and CLOCKS MIZ WITH THE MIC. Del Rio and Punk brawl in the ring, but Ricardo is the X-Factor and Del Rio takes advantage of Punk. Del Rio sets up the table and calls for a powerbomb, but Miz from behind gets Del Rio in the Skull Crushing Finale position, but PUNKOUTOFNOWHERE hits Del Rio in the corner and BULLDOGS HIM THROUGH THE TABLE. Miz eats a GTS and Punk poses in the ring. Nice.

Final Thoughts: I like Cena NOT being in the title picture. I did like the stips of the contenders fighting top Smackdown guys. The Miz/Orton match was pretty good and it furthered the Orton/Barrett feud.

The Bryan/Del Rio match could have been amazing, but they had to sell Bryan’s injuries.

The Divas segment was just…there. At least the 1/2/2012 teaser looked goooooood.

I liked the Cena/Ryder match, especially Ryder’s reaction at the end. And the whole Cena being selfless to get Ryder a shot was handled well, although that still won’t win over the Smarks.

The Ryder/Henry match was tremendous, although I do question the World Heavyweight Champion brought down by one Attitude Adjustment. They could have built up an Attitude Adjustment, THEN a Rough Ryder, but alas. At least Zack has his shot.

Nash/Santino was just a squash. Just shaking Nash’s ring rust off, nothing to see here.

Dolph/Sheamus was a brawl, and it showed Dolph as smart to use different offense against a brawler like Sheamus. Big night for Zack as he had ANOTHER segment here, distracting Dolph and setting up their feud.

The contract signing was ridiculous, and Ace and Punk saved it with their humor. My God, why is Ace FUNNY just playing up his blandness? Anyway, it’s rare to see the face come up on top in a contract signing brawl, except if you’re Cena.

WWE Monday Night Raw Supershow, 11/28/2011

LAST WEEK: John Cena broke up the most AWESOME Tag Team in recent memory.

THIS WEEK: Roddy Piper asks some questions! BUT ANNOUNCED: Punk vs. Del Rio rematch! BUT RIGHT NOW ROWDY RODDY PIPER! And he’s in a tuxedo jacket and an open shirt. What. Roddy tells the crowd that they give him energy to become a hall of famer. Tonight, ONE MAN IN THE BUILDING says maybe the energy the crowd gives him isn’t important to him. Cena arrives to the usual mixed reaction. And he’s yelling at us again. Cena asks why isn’t the audience’s reaction important to him. Roddy plays word association and says Stone Cold, Bret and Rocky’s names to big cheers. Cena’s name gets MIXED REACTION. Roddy says he’s trying to help. He says when everyone was yelling at Rocky to Rock Bottom him and he did, the crowd came unglued. Cena says this isn’t the first time this happened, and says there’s a group of loyal fans and they’re loyal to him, but you can’t please everybody. Cena says that’s the energy he was talking about, because the crowd can do what they want. Roddy says Cena doesn’t care. Roddy says Cena’s the face of WWE and the booing is getting louder and says Cena’s losing it. Roddy says if Cena doesn’t say what he really feels about the booing fans, he will lose. Cena gives examples: Wrestlemania 22, he got hate. Hall of Fame ceremony the night before, he got shit. Money in the Bank this year, he got shit. The TLC Match with Edge, he got shit. Hammerstein Ballroom, ECW one night stand, he got shit. Cena says it was New York being New York, and Rocky had a great night. ONE GREAT NIGHT. He points out two kids in the audience, and tells Roddy they’re having the time of their lives. He did three Make-A-Wishes today, and there are men and women in uniform and they are all having the time of their lives. He tells Roddy to read his shirt: Rise Above Hate. That’s why it’ll never get to him, why he’ll never get rattled and that’s why he’ll walk into Wrestlemania and he can beat the Rock. Roddy says he came a long way to have him in Piper’s pit. He says he’s proud of Cena, and it’s his generation that passed the torch. He knows Cena is there every day and Rocky just comes one day. He gives Rocky his Hall of Fame ring, and tells Cena to get this off his chest and if he doesn’t, he’ll be in denial and It’s going to kill his chances. Cena says he’s in a good place. RODDY SLAPS CENA and tells him to FEEL THE ENERGY. Cena gives Roddy back his ring and walks away.

NEXT: JoMo vs. The Miz. FALLS COUNT ANYWHERE. Oh Hi, JoMo, and MIZ ATTACKS WITH A LEAD PIPE TO THE LEG. JoMo wants to continue, though. He gets in the ring, limping, and JoMo tries getting some offense in but Miz counterattacks with LEG TO RINGPOST. Singapore Cane to the FACE and JoMo hits a clothesline…and grabs the Kendo Stick and attacks Miz relentlessly. JoMo tries a cover and gets two. JoMo crawls to the Kendo Stick and uses it as a crutch to go after a crawling Miz. they get to the stage and Miz POSSUM throws JoMo into the big WWE Logo. Miz hits the a SKULL CRUSHING FINALE and I guess that’s how JoMo’s going out of WWE. REF STOPPAGE. But hey, he fought his way out.

They put JoMo on a stretcher and Miz comes out with the mic. He walks to the ring and Johnny Ace…umm…observes, I guess. Since he’s the Interim GM and all. Miz says last week, it was Truth. This week, it’s JoMo. Next week? We’ll see. There’s only one superstar that could make this kind of impact and statement, and that’s the Miz. And he can do it because he’s the Miz, and he’s awesome. All in monotone. Huh.

In the ring, the Bellas vs. Alicia Fox and Kelly Kelly and…ugh, I don’t care. The Divas of Doom have arrived and they’re just jogging around the ring. Hilarious. Alicia with a moonsault legdrop gets the win and, yeah. That was it.

JOHNNY ACE is backstage and promises Brodus Clay he'll debut next week on the phone. Otunga asks why he’s delaying Clay’s debut, and Ace says it’s to make Brodus so angry that his Debut will have impact. Alberto arrives and Johnny asks if Alberto is ready. Because last time Alberto said he’s ready, he lost at Survivor Series. He says he wants a champ that has integrity. Alberto says he’ll walk out tonight as champ and PUNK HAS ARRIVED. Punk says 156,000. Ace asks what the hell he’s talking about. Punk says after Ace said he had 36,000 followers on Twitter, he ran the numbers and a quick Google search of “Laurinaitis” and “Spineless” yielded 156,000 results. Tremendous. Del Rio is incredulous, but Punk says 918,000. That’s the number of hits if you type in “Del Rio” and “Boring” on Google, and congratulates Del Rio on being 9 times as boring as Johnny Ace is Spineless. And as for Otunga, every time Punk types in his name, he just gets hits for Jennifer Hudson. HA! Punk says he knows this is a private meeting about how the safe, vanilla GM wants his safe, vanilla Champion but it’s not going to happen because the title stays with him. Punk leaves and Otunga says Punk might get himself intentionally DQed. Ace makes the Del Rio/Punk match Title Changes Hands on DQ. Oh boy.

Backstage, Orton and Ziggler WALK. But WADE BARRETT joins us on commentary. Randy comes out first, bland as ever. And his spray-tan is dripping. Uck. And here comes Ziggler with his crappy new theme. But hey, if anyone can drag a good match out of Orton, it’s Ziggler. They lock up to start and Orton gets Dolph in a headlock. Ziggler gets a rollup for two after a good series. Orton hits a clotheline on Ziggler and he takes a breather on the outside. They lock up again and Randy hip tosses Ziggler and stomps on the joints. Cover gets two. Suplex and Knee drop MISSED. Ziggler takes advantage. Backbreaker attempt by Orton countered into a rollup. Ziggler hits a dropkick to Orton, which takes Orton outside. Dolph gets two in the ring. Ziggler stomps a mudhole in Orton, tries a flying forearm and Orton sidesteps. Orton hits a couple European uppercuts but Ziggler hits a neckbreaker but gets two. Ziggler hits MMA ELBOWS and tries for a top rope move but Orton kicks the rope. Orton hits a superplex for two. Orton and Ziggler slug it out after the commercial break. FIVE MOVES OF DOOM. CLOTHESLINE CLOTHESLINE POWERLSAM DDT RKO TEASE. Ziggler rolls out of the ring when he sees Orton. Wade distracts Randy, who hits a dropkick but ZIG ZAG OUT OF FUCKING NOWHERE to get the three!

IN THE RING, DANIEL BRYAN is being interviewed by Michael Cole. Who reminds us that Bryan has a match for the WHC tomorrow on Smackdown, but says he was given it. Bryan counters that he earned that match. He says he doesn’t expect accuracy or good announcing from Cole, and says Cole is the worst announcer (huge pop) but he expects that he earned a bit of respect. Cole says he doesn’t respect Bryan because he tried cashing the MitB briefcase, because he got on his vegan high horse and told everyone that he’d cash it in at Wrestlemania. Cole calls him a hypocrite, and that it’s hysterical that Bryan’s title win was reversed. He says if he were the GM, he’d strip Bryan of the briefcase and suspended him indefinitely because Bryan disgusts Cole and he hopes Mark Henry tears him apart in the cage. Bryan says he’s right about being a Hypocrite. He had a plan to cash it in at Wrestlemania, but those plans changed because Henry tried to induct him in the Hall of Pain and tried to end his career, and saw that the Briefcase didn’t guarantee him anything. He saw an opportunity and took it. But he got another opportunity and will step in the Steel Cage tomorrow. He says Henry may try to decimate him, try to end his career and try to put him in the Hall of Pain, but even though his dream was to main event Wrestlemania, but what’s more important to him is becoming the World Heavyweight Champion.

Henry interrupts and scoffs at the thought of Bryan beating him, and says Bryan should be ashamed of trying to beat a defenseless man, and Teddy Long should be ashamed of booking him in a Steel Cage match when he knows Henry’s halfway injured. But it’s OK, because he’s the World’s strongest Champion and will defend the championship tomorrow. He says Bryan can talk, but whether he’s on two legs, one leg or no legs at all, Bryan can’t beat him. Bryan walks up the ramp and incredulously “I can’t beat you?!” and KICKS HENRY’S INJURED LEG and says “we’ll see tomorrow night” and walks to the back. NICE. Star-making promo by Bryan.

IN THE RING…Jack Swagger gets the jobber entrance. And WWW, Ryder is here! Ryder gets taken down by Swagger and gets taken down quickly. Ryder rallies and hits a flying forearm, but gets countered into a belly to belly by Swagger for two. Swagger hits a scoop slam and a leg drop for two. Swagger locks Ryder’s arm and Ryder gets out of with with a neckbreaker for two. Swagger eats an elbow in the corner, Zack gets caught and eats a knee to the side. Swagger tries for a Vaderbomb, gets caught on Ryder’s hand, tries again, eats RYDER’S BOOTS and ROUGH RYDER wins it!

And oh my god NEW KANE RETURN PROMO. KANE RESURRECTED. I’M MARKING OUT, BRO!

And HERE COMES MICK FOLEY. In a SANTA OUTFIT. No pop. This is a fucking terrible crowd. He runs down the card tomorrow and does it in POEM FORM.

BACKSTAGE…Punk gets asked by Mathews about the DQ stip and says Ace is dealing from the bottom of the deck. So he invites Ace to kiss his bottom. Which is to say, kiss his ass, Ace. Then Punk continues WALKING. Ricardo introduces EL PATRON in a 2010 Aston Martin Vantage v8 ($140,000) and his new shirt. BUT NEVERMIND THAT SHIT. IT IS TIME FOR CLOBBERING! Punk gets Del Rio in an arm hold, reversed by Del Rio. Punk throws ADR to the corner and monkey flip and back to the arm. Del Rio counters and tosses Punk into a headlock. Punk tosses ADR out, but ADR gets a shoulderblock and immediately goes for an arm lock. Punk and Del Rio run the ropes and ELBOW by Punk followed up by Clothesline and SUICIDE DIVE. Back from commercial, Del Rio works over Punk’s arm and stomps on it, gets two. During the break, Punk got caught in the Tree of Woe and Del Rio kicks Punk’s arm. ADR keeps stomping on Punk. He goes up top, gets a double axe handle to the shoulder and gets two. Del Rio traps the arm between the ropes and corners Punk. Punk kicks Del Rio’s face, crossbody but Del Rio moves out of the way, gets two. Punk battles out of it, but TILT-A-WHIRL BACKBREAKER gets two. Del Rio continues working the arm with stomps, goes up top and gets another double axe handle and gets two. Del Rio looks frustrated and continues working the arm. Punk tosses ADR but KICK TO THE FACE gets two. Del Rio goes up top yet again and this time Punk kicks him out of the air. He gets two. Punk and Del Rio clobber each other in a BOO YAY exchange. Dol Rio gets the advantage, whips Punk and EATS A SPINNING HEEL KICK and NECKBREAKER for two! Punk goes for the Clotheline/Bulldog combo, but Del Rio with KNEES TO PUNK’S ARM and gets two. Del Rio gets a German suplex and gets two. Del Rio calls for Cross Arm Breaker, Punk counters with GTS attempt but DDT by Del Rio gets two. Del Rio with a LOUD kick to Punk’s back. He undoes the turnbuckle, Ricardo tosses a chair in while Lil’ Naitch is distracted and tries the Eddie Guerrero trick, but Punk tosses the chair to Del Rio and falls down, Del Rio tosses the chair right when Charles Robinson turns around. Robinson sees the chair and almost calls for the bell but CM PUNK FOR THE ROLLUP but only gets two, ADR with the Back cracker gets TWOOOOOOOO. Ricardo distracts Lil’ Naitch and Del Rio tosses the turnbuckle pad off. But PUNK HITS THE GTS ON THE EXPOSED TURNBUCKLE and that’s IT!

Ricardo’s protesting, telling Robinson about the turnbuckle. Lil’ Naitch keeps the decision and Ricardo eats a GTS to end the show.

Final Thoughts: Well, that was a very interesting first segment. Can this really mean a Cena heel turn, maybe? I don’t think there’s any way to get Cena back in the fans’ collective good graces unless they free his moveset up.

Bye Bye JoMo! You had a great fighting exit against someone you know well, and it made both of you look strong. But I’m not quite sure about Cold Bastard Miz.

Diva’s match was what it was. Hilarious run-in by Nattie and Beth.

Ziggler and Orton put on a great match, and my god, Orton put Ziggler over.

I love how they’re testing the waters with Daniel Bryan. Bryan put on a star-making promo against Cole, and teased tomorrow’s match. I really do hope they put on a back-and-forth match. I’ll cover it tomorrow.

Swagger and Ryder was what it was, aside from Swagger botching the finish. They did cover up well, at least.

THAT MAIN EVENT. Del Rio and Punk’s styles compliment each other and I like how they worked around the stipulation. Makes you wonder what obstacle Johnny Ace is going to put in Punk’s way next week.

WWE Monday Night Raw Supershow, 11/21/2011

LAST NIGHT: CM Punk won the WWE Title, The Rock showed no ring rust whatsoever, and it was an awesome PPV.

TONIGHT: Jonah Hill guest stars. Well, shit.

And CM Punk arrives as YOUR NEWWWWWWWWWWWWWW WWE CHAMPION. And apparently Jerry Lawler’s voice is shot. Which is why Booker T is covering for him. Punk is given the PIPE BOMB and tells us a story. He says he was asked in the first grade what he wanted to be when he grew up and he said he wanted to be a professional wrestler. And since he is a lifelong fan, it was a special moment for him to win the title at MSG. He did this on his own and he says the hot potato crap is over and the title is staying on the shoulder of THE BEST IN THE WORLD. He says he is the new face of the WWE even if the “higher-ups” don’t like it. Like he told Del Rio, he’s going to make the title interesting again. He says he wants to be an agent of change and he wants to know where the WWE Ice Cream Bars are. And he wants to change INTERIM GENERAL MANAGER JOHN LAURINAITIS into FORMER INTERIM GENERAL MANAGER JOHN LAURINAITIS. Speaking of whom, ACE INTERRUPTS and he says they could have a non-adversarial relationship since both of them want the same thing: what’s best for the WWE Universe. Ace congratulates Punk and he’s taking the high road because he doesn’t understand Punk’s issue with him.

Punk says McMachon is a greedy, money-grubbing, soulless bastard, but he’ll tell that to you to your face. Punk compares Ace to Bill Lumberg without the comedy. GLORIOUS. Punk says that reference is way over Ace’s head because he’s so out of touch. Punk says not to call the audience a WWE Universe, they’re FANS and the Universe crap is just a buzzword to keep his bosses happy. Punk says Ace is manipulative and that he is a soul-sucking middle-management douchebag stooge. WHOA. DAT’S NOT PG. Ace says he’s UPPER-Management. He says he has a wild side and he’s creative and dynamic. He’ll prove it by giving Del Rio his rematch next week. Punk counters why not now? Ace says he’ll test the mettle of the championship tonight by facing Dolph Ziggler in a Champ vs. Champ match. Punk says it’s not creative or innovative at all, it’s just stupid. Ace isn’t listening to the fans, he says. They don’t want Punk vs. Ziggler (CUE WE WANT RYDER CHANTS), they want Ziggler vs. Zack Ryder. But Ace says Ryder is busy tonight with Del Rio. Punk says all right and says he’ll beat Ziggler tonight and Del Rio next week. Then he goes up to Ace and threatens one day, SOMEONE will beat some sense into him. Aww, Shucky Ducky.

BUT WAIT. Cole says Zack Ryder doesn’t just have CM Punk and he thousands in MSG behind him, after Survivor Series, THE ROCK puts his support behind Zack after hearing the THOUSANDS IN ATTENDANCE chant WE WANT RYDER, WOO WOO WOO. AND HERE COMES ZACK RYDER AND THE CROWD LOVES HIM. And he’s filming Z!TLIS. AND HERE COMES EL PATRON (in a 2009 Bentley, $175,000) and Ryder steals Ricardo’s mic and WWWYKI. Glorious. And Del Rio beats Ryder down immediately, focusting on the arm. Ryder gets out of it with PUNCHES and nice volley and DLAPJACK. DEL RIO RUNS INTO RYDER’S KNEES and HITS THE BROSKI BOOT  on ADR. He calls for Rough Ryder, but Del Rio pushes Ryder into the ropes. ENZIGUIRI and CROSS ARM BREAKER and it’s over. BOO THIS MAN.

HERE COMES SHEAMUS and he is YELLING and LOBSTER HEADS and TOO MANY LIMES. And poor Jack Swagger. He’s gonna get brutalized. Lockup and Swagger takes Sheamus down with a belly to back but Sheamus brutalizes Swagger. He runs out of the ring and yells for the Ref to get Sheamus in control. Swagger finally gets the advantage and VADERBOMB for two. Sheamus completely brutalizes Swagger with a flurry of high impact moves. Sheamus goes up top and misses a Battering ram, but rolled through, BROGUE KICK ATTEMPT, Swagger ducks and ANKLELOCK. Sheamus counters and BROGUE KICK and GOOD NIGHT SWAGGER.

Backstage, KEVIN NASH (WITH BEARD) IS ON HIS WAY OUT. AND HE IS HERE. Last night, he was at MSG and thought of what could have been. In that arena, he beat Backlund in eight seconds. In that arena, four friends (Hall, Shawn, himself and Haitch) put their friendship above the business. But when he came back, he didn’t get a friend, Nash found a boss. He says last night, it should have been him and Haitch in the main event, taking on Rock and Cena, but it didn’t happen because Triple H is gone, taken out by his own Sledgehammer, by Nash. He says the real survivor of the Kliq stands before you. Aww, them’s fighting words.

IN THE RING is Cody Rhodes and he mentions being disfigured made him a victim of predators like Orton. But Cody is unrepentant and free. AND HERE COMES SANTINO. And…yeah, this is a squash. Quick CrossRhodes ends it. And after the match, Cody yells at Booker and throws water in his face. TELL ME YOU DID NOT JUST DO THAT.

BACKSTAGE…Josh Mathews interviews Dolph. Ziggler says he doesn’t want to be a showoff but he is the new face of WWE. Ziggler comes out with a…slightly different theme. It’s the same song, but different verse at the beginning. He, sadly, is no longer perfection. And HERE COMES PUNK. And apparently it is time for clobbering. Hunker down, kiddies. This is gonna be wrestling 101. Punk puts Ziggler in a headlock, which Ziggler counters into a headscissors, which is counters into a reverse full nelson. And it’s HOLD EXCHANGE AFTER HOLD EXCHANGE. They run the ropes and Dolph chickenshits out of the ring. Back in the ring, KICKS  gets two, Dolph with a neckbreaker for two. Ziggler gains the advantage and wears Punk down slowly. Just noticed Ziggler has HASTAG HEEL on his trunks. Nice. Ziggler puts Punk in a chokehold, but Punk battles out but eats a kneelift for two. Punk VERY SMARTLY ignores Vickie’s distraction, but Ziggler moves out of the way of Punk’s corner knee. Dolph does a headstand before the break. Yes, you heard that right. Back from the break, Punk finally gets the advantage and almost gets the GTS but gets countered into the SLEEPER. Punk was fading a bit, but gets up and forces the GTS position. Ziggler goes for FOOT LEVERAGE, Punk counters with ARM LEVERAGE. Sweet. OPunk counters the ZIG ZAG by holding on to the ropes and KNEE/BULLDOG COMBO gets twoooo. Punk calls for the MACHO ELBOW but Ziggler rolled away, but Punk eats a DROPKICK OUT OF NOWHERE for two. Zigger puts Punk up on the ropes, Punk counters with MONGOLIAN CHAP and hits the MACHO ELBOW and the crowd chants for the GTS. Ziggler counters it into a reverse T-Bone and gets TWOOOOO. Ziggler is ANGRY and the Ref keeps them apart. Ziggler charges Punk, but Punk hits a Spinebuster, then a GTS for the WIN. TREMENDOUS MATCH.

What’s this? A Kane teaser? OH SO VERY WANT. WEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLL, it’s the Big Show. And he has the stick. He regales us with his story of how he’s better than Mark Henry and Henry took the easy way out with the nut shot. But Show promised only one of them would walk out of Survivor Series. Apparently, Mark’s leg isn’t broken. Show promises to punch Henry out when he comes back.

BACKSTAGE…The Divas of Destruction say that unlike their characters in ‘12, the Barbie Doll Divas will cry after getting beat. WADE BARRETT WALKS TO THE RING. And Kofi Kingston enters as well. Wade just dominates Kofi early on, but Kofi counters Wade’s Side Slam into a rollup for two. Wade goes for Wasteland, and ORTON COMES OUT to interrupt and distract Wade for a bit. Back from commercial, Wade’s still in control on Kofi but Randy’s sticking around. TREMENDOUS TILT-A-WHIRL SIDE SLAM gets two. Fuck ow. BOOT TO KOFI’S FACE while he’s hung up on the ropes gets twoooooooo. Wade’s just brutalizing Kofi and looking back at Orton. Kofi counters the barrage with kicks, but Wade keeps shooting it down. Kofi with an insane suicide dive to Wade on the outside. Kofi climbs to the top rope, but Barrett intercepts and threatens a Wasteland from the top rope, but Kofi fights out and CROSSBODY for TWOOOOO. Kofi gets the Boom Drop, PENDULUM KICK but Wade kicks the rope out from under Kofi’s springboard and WASTELAND looking right at Orton and that’s it. Wade rubs the win in Randy’s face. Ha! Orton threatened to hit Wade and Barrett flinches. Ugh, GOTTA KEEP ORTON STRONG.

Cena arrives (and for some reason, tells us that someone wanted him to deliver a baby, but he’s not qualified) and BOO THIS MAN. The last 24 hours have been interesting, he says, because of Zack Ryder (who Cena reminds to follow on Twitter) and Punk. But he talks about his and Rocky’s win last night. And the aftermath, he says Rocky wanted Cena to get into the ring and says he ate a Rock Bottom. And that makes Wrestlemania…OH SHIT HERE COMES AWESOME TRUTH.

REALLY?, Miz asks. He says Cena’s ego won’t let him admit that Rocky showed him up. And that 17,000 people were chanting DON’T TAG CENA. He says Cena always says YOU CAN’T SEE ME, and that last night, nobody wanted to see Cena. Oooo, dem’s fightin’ words. Truth asks Cena what color the sky is in his world. Truth enlightens him on what will happen: BOOTS TO ASSES ON HIS FRUITY BOOTY. Cena yells at them to shut up and threatens them. He says that Rocky hasn’t lost it and no-one cares about Awesome Truth. Nope, Cena. Cena’s trying to turn Awesome Truth against each other and walks away. Ugh, don’t tell me they’re teasing dissension between Awesome Truth. Why? Why are they fighting? This is Cena’s doing! Miz says Cena’s playing both of them. They finally get on the same page and go backstage to…WAIT SKULL CRUSHING FINALE ON TRUTH ON THE STAGE. GODDAMMIT, CENA. WHY YOU BREAK UP AWESOME TAG TEAM?

Final Thoughts: Punk’s promo at the beginning was tremendous, as always. I can’t wait to see Punk fuck with Ace.

Ryder and Del Rio was what it was. Listen to the crowd, Vince. They want Ryder.

Sheamus vs. Swagger was…eh. Good match, but filler.

Nash’s promos are nailing it. I want to see him and Haitch get it on.

Squashing Santino was just to give Cody some mic time. Can’t fault ‘em for that, Cody’s been great the past few months. Not sure about the Booker T/Cody feud, though.

Ziggler/Punk was just lovely. Certainly made this Raw a better show than most Raws.

Kofi/Wade was just a big Orton/Wade teaser. I like that they’re pushing Wade, but where the fuck was this push when he was leader of Nexus? He really should have gotten the belt.

Ugh, and that final segment. Awesome Truth is a great tag team. They played off well together. Why break them up now?