LAST WEEK: WWE scrambles to get the Internet community to like John Cena by giving the Internet a BRO-TASTIC RAW.
THIS WEEK: The Envelope please…
Yep, immediately. “TELL ME I DID NOT JUST SEE THAT” Moment of the Year Slammy is going to be presented by Booker T and Hornswoggle. And for some reason, Hornswoggle has a fake Afro on. The Nominees are:
JR Dancing, Santino becomes the Royal Rumble Runner-Up, Little Jimmy tosses water in Truth’s Face and Miz in a Rocky Skullcap.
The winner is: JIM ROSS! Boomer Sooner blares and accepts the Slammy. JR thanks the fans and never thought he’d get the Slammy for getting jiggy with it. And Cole gets in the ring and gets jealous and says this is a sham. Booker calls Cole a loser and bets tonight, JR can beat Cole in a rap-off. Oh boy.
JR, Booker and Swoggle walk to the ring to Boomer Sooner. Booker suggests Cole go first. Oh god, this will be painful. I’m not giving this rap the dignity of being transcribed. Booker says it was the worst rap he’s ever heard. JR doesn’t need music.
Michael Cole is a damn fool, The King beat you like a government mule. Michael Cole has no Talent, So KISS JR’S ASS. JR walks away with the Slammy. Booker stops JR. Oh god, I don’t like where this is going. Booker demonstrates the Spinaroonie and calls for the JR-Roonie. Oh god. Cole’s spazzing at ringside.
BACKSTAGE: MICK FOLEY IS WALKING.
Mick Foley and Ted DiBiase Sr. are presenting the next Slammy RIGHT HERE IN VIRGINIA to present the HOLY SHIT Moment of the Year. The Nominees are:
Sheamus powerbombs Sin Cara into Wellness, ORTONWINSLOL vs. Christian at Extreme Rules, Big Show and Mark Henry implode the ring and Evan Bourne with a SHOORING STAR PRESS TO EVERYONE at Money in the Bank.
The winner is: Big Show and Mark Henry. Show accepts and would like to put the Slammy next to the World Heavyweight Championship. He’s not much of a talker, so he’ll do his talking in the ring. His opponent? Wade Barrett. This won’t end well.
Barrett has a mic and says the award is a tad premature to give Show the award with what he’s going to do to Orton on Sunday. He says he’s coming for the title and WALKS TO THE RING. Show is in control back from the break (and there are Tables, Ladders and Chairs. Outside the ring, Barrett gains control of show after a big boot and positions Show on a table. Barrett goes to the second rope to try to splash Show, but Show recovers and breaks the table in half with his bare hands. Show throws Barrett back in the ring, but Wade has a chair and gets DQed.
Announced for tonight is Mark Henry vs. John Cena.
OH YOU DIDN’T KNOW? THE ROAD DOGG JESSE JAMES HAS ARRIVED. WELCOME TO THE DOGG HOUSE. He’s trying to be PG and presents Pipe Bomb of the year! The Nominees are:
…no nominees, just random funny moments. Some really good ones, like REALLY REILLY JIMMY and a lot of Truth moments, Punk’s sister’s text message, Cena’s Lady Parts and inane Booker T Commentary, and of course, Ice Cream Bars.
And of course, Punk wins. He…brings a mannequin with him wearing a Mullet wig and a Dynamic Dudes t-shirt. He’d like to inappropriately thank Johnny Ace. Hilarious. Oh god. A tribute to John Laurinaitis, set to THE TOUCH.
Old clips of him in the Dynamic Dudes and random stuff of his current GM gimmick. Oh god, this is so funny. LIFETIME ACHEIVEMENT AWARD!
Unfortunately, Ace is in the back watching Point Break and he accepts in Ace’s stead. Oh god, my lungs. Punk, you glorious bastard.
LITA IS BACK (from jail) and she’s presenting the Divalicious Moment Slammy. Nominees:
Nattie with the double Sharpshooter on Layla and Eve, Kelly wins the Diva’s Championship, Kharma debuts and KILLS BITCHES DEAD, and Beth Phoenix with the Super Glam Slam from Survivor Series.
The Winner is LOLKELLYWINS. Ugh. AND PINUP STRONG HAVE ARRIVED. Beth tries stealing the Slammy, but Kelly takes it back. Uh.
Saitino and the Bellas present the OMG Moment of the year. Or as Santino called it, the AAHMG Moment. Nominees:
Triple H tombstones Undertaker, The Rock Rock bottoms Cena, The Walkout and Punk takes the WWE Title at MitB
The Winner: Undertaker kicks out of the Tombstone. Bullshit, the Walkout and Punk Winning at MitB are better moments. Haitch’s music blares and here he is, with the Sledgehammer. He makes a beeline for the ring. He says the real OMG moment was Taker not leaving out of the ring on his own power. Triple H says the Streak came to an end that night because Taker is gone. Haitch plays the attack by Nash on the Titantron. He said Nash should have finished the job. Haitch says the friendship may have been based on lies, but this Sunday, Might makes Right and he will use the Sledgehammer because he is right. He says Nash is done.
Otunga WITH COFFEE MUG and Tony Atlas are presenting the Trending Star of the year. One wonders if Tony Atlas smelled any feet backstage. Oh god, Tony Atlas is laughing while Otunga tries to continue with his introduction. Atlas says he’s laughing at Otunga. The four nominees (Cody Rhodes, Daniel Bryan, Dolph Ziggler and Zack Ryder) will compete in a Fatal Four-Way and at the conclusion of the match, they will announce the winner of the Slammy, who will probably not be the winner of the match.
Zack Ryder arrives first, followed by Cody Rhodes, Daniel Bryan and Ziggler (with Vickie). And my god, this crowd is DEAD. Apparently, the first man to trend worldwide will win the Slammy. Ryder and Bryan clear the ring and SUICIDE DIVES to the outside as we go to break. Bryan and Ryder tie up in the ring. Ryder hits Bryan with KNEES and the Broski Boot. Bryan kicks out at two. Bryan moonsaults out of the corner and DOUBLE CROSSBODY. Ow. Cody runs in and tries pinning both guys but they’re still kicking out. Ziggler and Cody make a pact to attack their rivals. Ziggler tosses Ryder out and Cody and Ziggler show off. They argue for a bit until Bryan tries rolling Bryan up. Ryder gets back in the ring while Bryan and Cody do an insanely awesome pin sequence. Bryan gets tossed out and Cody and Ziggler double team Ryder. Rhodes and Ziggler finally go at it. Cody hits the Alabama Slam for two as we go to break. Back from the break, Ryder gets out of Cody’s Figure Four. Cody runs into Ryder’s knees. HE goes for the Broski Boot, but Ziggler intercepts with a clothesline from the Apron. Ryder rolls Ziggler up, and Ryder gets rolled up by Ryder. And TRIPLE CLOTHESLINE. HOLY SHIT. Cody’s the only one alive after that. Cody hits Beautiful Disaster but Bryan breaks up the three count. Bryan BRUTALIZES Cody and DROPKICK in the corner. Bryan climbs the top rope, but hangs Bryan up. On the other side of the ring, Ryder avoids a Ziggler clothesline and climbs the rope. Ziggler catches him and ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE RING THE SAME THING HAPPENS. Ziggler suplerplexes Ryder and Cody superplexes Bryan. Cody and Ziggler wake up first and slug each other. RYDER HITS ZIGGLER WITH THE ROUGH RYDER OUT OF NOWHERE. AND CODY HITS THE CROSS RHODES ON RYDER AND BRYAN GETS THE LEBELL LOCK ON CODY AND ZIGGLER GETS THE SLEEPER ON BRYAN. Ziggler hits the Zig Zag on Bryan and wins. But who is trending?
Lawler gets in the ring and announces that…ZACK RYDER WINS THE SLAMMY, BRO! WWWYKI! But ZIG ZAG! Dolph steals the Slammy! Are you serious, Bro?
Christian is presenting the Slammy for Game Changer of the Year…in CRUTCHES and NECK BRACE. He’s presenting himself with the courageous moment of the year for showing up with various injuries. And he asks why he’s not nominated for the Game Changer of the Year or Superstar of the Year. THE NOMINEES ARE:
Vince is relieved of his duties, Edge Retires, Nash Returns/Del Rio cashes in and Rocky vs. Cena is announced.
The Winner is: Rock challenges Cena. Cena comes out to the usual boovation as Christian hobbles to the back. Cena says this award isn’t his alone and he introduces Rocky…who of course isn’t there. Oh boy. Well, he is. Via Satellite. Which of course, Rocky isn’t there either. Tonight he’s having fun, and he does the hard sell for Wrestlemania.
Ricardo Rodriguez introduces EL PATRON, driving in in a beautiful 1960 Rolls Royce Silver Cloud 2 series worth $125,000. Miz follows as his tag partner. They’re fighting against Randy Orton and CM Punk (and yes it is time for Clobbering). Punk and Miz start off and Miz tries running away from Punk’s kicks. Punk hits a scoop slam leg drop combo and tags in Orton. Orton hits a suplex for one. Miz hits a kneeling DDT for two then drags Orton to tag in Del Rio. ADR and Miz tag in frequently to keep Orton from Punk. Orton fights out of Miz’s headlock with a back suplex and tags in Punk. Del Rio tags in and eats FLYING CLOTHESLINE for two. Punk hits the Knee/Bulldog combo for two. Punk calls for the GTS. Del Rio fights out of it and distracts the ref while Miz hangs Punk up. Del Rio takes the advantage as we go to break. Punk backslides Miz for two back from the break, but Miz with a sudden clothesline for two. Del Rio tags in and kicks the shit out of Punk. He works the arm but Punk reverses into a neckbreaker. Miz tags in and kkeeps Punk from Orton. Ha, Ricardo’s fanning Alberto with the scarf. Hilarious. Miz misses a boot and Punk gets two. Miz punishes Punk and ADR tags in and hits a jumping arm breaker for two.ADR hammer throws Punk to the comer and springboard kicks his ribs. Miz hits his running clothesline for two. Miz hits his boot and calls for the Skull Crushing Finale, reversed into the GTS position. Miz counters and hits the first part of the reality Check but PUNK HITS A HUGE KICK TO THE SIDE OF MIZ’S HEAD. The crowd is FINALLY alive but Del Rio grabs Punk as WADE BARRETT RUNS IN AND YANKS ORTON OFF THE APRON while Charles Robinson is busy getting ADR back to his corner. Miz tries for another running corner clothesline, but misses and Punk gets Del Rio as well. Punk tries the GTS, but SKULL CRUSHING FINALE finishes Punk off.
Orton runs after Wade as Miz and ADR celebrate in the ring. ADR tells Ricardo to bring in the ladder as they attack Punk with it. Del Rio stomps on the Ladder with Punk underneath and Miz calls for the mic as ADR APPLIES THE CROSS ARM BREAKER THROUGH THE LADDER as Miz taunts Punk. And now I’m sold on the TLC Match.
NEW KANE RESSURECTED PROMO. NEW MASK. I can’t wait.
Vickie Guerrero and GOLDUST are presenting A-Lister of the Year. Goldust says Vickie’s already won for wearing more makeup than him. The Nominees:
Hugh Jackman, The Muppets (if they don’t win this, WE RIOT), Snooki and Cee Lo.
The Winner: Snooki?! WHAT. Well, prerecorded message and says the Slammy is frickin’ awesome. She shouts out Zack Ryder and wishes him luck. WWWYKI!
BACKSTAGE…Josh Mathews interviews Mark Henry about competing tonight against Cena six days before his match with Show. Mark says the title is going nowhere. And Cena embarassed him, so Mark says Cena shouldn’t worry about Wrestlemania, he should worry about getting inducted into the Hall of Pain.
WELP, HERE COMES THE WHITE. Sheamus arrives and Jinder Mahal follows suit. Yeah. This is a squash. Sheamus hits a Brogue Kick and the match doesn’t even start.
Rey Mysterio is presenting Superstar of the Year. The nominees are:
Orton, Miz, Punk, Del Rio, Mark Henry and John Cena.
The winner is…CM PUNK! Awesomesauce. But of course, Punk’s been attacked so Johnny Ace comes out to accept on Punk’s behalf. And he reminds us that he is the EVP of Talent Relations and Interim GM. Also reminds us that Punk is going to defend the belt.
Mark Henry is walking backstage but interrupted by SHE HOLDS THE MYSTERY OF MY ARRIVAL. 1/2/2012. It will be the end of the world as we know it. OH SHIT.
MARK HENRY HAS ARRIVED. Shit just got real. Cena comes out and BOOVATION. Henry’s ankle’s still wrapped up. Henry throws Cena like a ragdoll just before the break. Back from the break, Henry squishes Cena in the corner and gets two. Henry with CHOCOLATE DROP attempt, but Cena rolls out of the way. Cena LEAPFROGS off Henry, goes for a scoop slam, but Henry’s too heavy and squashes Cena. Henry wreches Cena’s neck. Cena backdrops Henry. Cena takes the opportunity to YOU CAN’T SEE ME FIVE KNUCKLE SHUFFLE Mark while he’s down. Cena threatens an Attitude Adjustment but Henry squashes him AGAIN. Henry gets two. Henry corners Cena and puts all his weight on Cena’s throat. Henry goes for a running powerslam, but Cena wriggles out of it. He tries a shoulderblock, but Henry catches him in a BEAR HUG. Cena manages to wrench Henry’s grip, but runs into the WORLD’S STRONGEST SLAM. BUT…
WAIT.
PYRO.
LIGHTS GO OFF.
KANE’S THEME REMIXED! OH SHIT! OH SHIT! HE HAS A NEW MASK ON. AND A NEW COSTUME ON. OH MY GOD I’M MARKING MY BALLS OFF. Kane CHOKESLAMS THE SHIT OUT OF CENA. PYRO! Kane takes off the Hockey-esque mask to reveal the half-mask and HAIR. OH SHIT.
Final Thoughts: They always end these three-hour shows with a bang. This one doesn’t disappoint.
Enough of Cole. I’m sick of him.
Wade/Show was just an advertisement for their matches at TLC.
The Tribute to Johnny Ace was GLORIOUS. I hope they put that up soon.
Ziggler/Bryan/Cody/Ryder was the best match of the night. For a half-second there, I thought Bryan would win, but alas.
Orton/Punk vs. Miz/ADR was pretty good, but formulaic.
And then there was the Henry/Cena match. But who cares about the match, KANE. With HAIR. And MASK. And Noose-inspired costume. Oh god, I’m marking out.
The Slammy crap was worth it just for Kane killing Cena.
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