LAST NIGHT: NEW CHAMPS!
TONIGHT: We start off…with a drumroll? Punk from offscreen introduces Philly as the entertainment capital of this state, and welcomes us to Raw. On behalf of Ace, Punk announces the results of TLC: He announces himself as the winner. He comes out and the crowd goes wild. Punk heads to the ring and grabs a pipe bomb. He says that much to the chagrin of Ace and shenanigans, he retains his championship. He says he’s beat up and sore, but he believes the title is something a lot of people thought he’d never hold, which brings him to the next match, the US Title Match. Drumroll, and Zack Ryder comes out to the delight of the crowd. HUGE Ryder chants. Punk continues with the biggest, the World Heavyweight Championship…Show won, but then, THE UNTHINKABLE HAPPENED. Daniel Bryan comes out with the WHC and the Philly crowd loves it. Bryan shakes hands with Ryder and he and Punk share a friendly hug. DANIEL BRYAN chants fill the arena as the three champs soak it in. Punk continues saying if any city would appreciate this scene, it would be Philly, a city entrenched in PRO WRESTLING HISTORY. And that’s Philly’s cue for ECW chants. Punk says it trips him out because ten years ago, he and Bryan fought at the Murphy Rec Center and now they’re both standing in a WWE ring as the top two champions in the company. Of course, this takes nothing away from Zack Ryder, who leads the crowd to a WOO WOO WOO. Punk says tonight’s celebration isn’t about him, it’s about Zack and Bryan. Punk says they both started from the bottom, watched them break their backs for the love of Pro Wrestling and he wants to hear from the new champs.
Punk hands Ryder the stick and Ryder says he can’t believe he’s champ and even called his dad to confirm, who said WWWYKI! He hands Bryan the mic and cue the appreciative crowd. He says Punk said no one expected him to become WWE Champ, but people never expected him to even get to WWE. There’s people like Cole who say he shouldn’t even be here, but he’s not only here, he’s the World Heavyweight Champion. Bryan says it’s unbelievable, but Punk directs Bryan to the stage, where Miz, Ziggler and Del Rio have appeared and apparently have formed some sort of alliance as they walk threateningly to the ring. The surround the ring, but the champs are ready for them. The champs chase them off and the heels huddle outside the ring. Ryder’s had enough and planchas out hitting Ziggler. Miz and Del Rio attack Zack but the World Champs chase Miz and Del Rio up the ramp where they’re met by John Laurinaitis. He says to back off on both sides and reminds us that he’s the EVP of Talent Relations and blah blah and gave them all an opportunity last night. Because he’s creative, tonight’s main event will be Punk, Bryan and Ryder teaming up against Miz, Del Rio and Ziggler. In the words of Geese Howard, PREDICTABO! Ace says this is his Christmas gift to the superstars and the WWE Universe.
Coming up, Kane returns and Cena will talk about it, and a rematch from last night with Wade vs. Orton and it’s ugh, next.
Anyway, Orton arrives bland as you please, followed by the decidedly not-bland Wade Barrett in his new T-Shirt (AVAILABLE NOW AT WWESHOP.COM) and…I really don’t want to recap this. Orton bores the shit out of me. Anyway, we get a thumb to the eye right in front of the ref by Wade and LOLORTONWINS by DQ. Wade gets a table and WASTELAND on Orton THROUGH A TABLE.
Up next, Alicia and Beth are WALKING. Beth comes out first followed by Alicia Fox, who apparently has a furry gimmick. They tie up and but Fox attacks with kicks. Beth counters to a sidewalk slam. Beth goes for a slingshot suplex but Alicia BOTCHES and hits a reverse DDT and a moonsault legdrop. Alicia grabs the stick and wishes us a foxy holiday.
Sheamus arrives and he’s gonna squash someone isn’t he. He’s approaching Orton levels of unwatchability. And yep, they recap the Mahal mini-feud and here comes Kinder with a mic and says Sheamus has no class or honor. He says it’s about time someone puts him in his place. But yeah. Mahal eats a Celtic Cross and that’s it.
NEXT: We’ll hear Cena yelling about Kane attacking him. And here comes BRRRRRRAPPLEDOUGH to his usual boovation. He says what he’ll say will be shocking: some people out there don’t like him. And he reminds us that he’s gonna fight Rocky and he can understand those, but Kane targeted him without reason last week. He calls Kane out and if last week was an accident, they’ll let bygones be bygones. But if it wasn’t, they should handle that business. But wait! That’s Mark Henry’s music! He says the business Cena needs to be concerned about was him laying Cena out and if it wasn’t for Kane, he’d be in the Hall of Pain. He says Cena is out here doing jokes. He’s not in the mood because he lost his title last night. He’s out here to address his injuries and why he lost. He tells Cena to scram. Cena gets ready to fight, but BOOM. LIGHTS GO OUT. RED LIGHTS. IT’S KANE! In his swank Welder mask! Kane goes around and looks at Henry…but Kane looks at Cena and goes in the ring instead. He takes the Welder’s mask off and Cena unloads on Kane, but he lands on his feet and TOSSES CENA OVER THE ANNOUNCE TABLE. Kane brutalizes Cena and SMOTHERS CENA’S FACE WITH THE GLOVE until he passes out. Cena’s mouth is bleeding. Kane rips Cena’s Rise Above Hate shirt and takes it to the back.
In the ring, Primo and Epico are in the ring and Rosa’s shaking her glorious ass to their music. And on the ramp, Jimmy and Jey do the Siva Tau and INTIMIDATE. The Usos tag fast but Jey eats Epico’s dropkick. Primo tags in and keeps Jey out of his corner. Primo suplexes Epico into Jey. Nice. Epico grounds Jey but Jey fights out and tags Jimmy in. Jimmy hits Epico with a nice flying forearm and a FULL NELSON BUSTER. Epico rolls to the corner and eats a SAMOAN BUTTSPLASH shades of Daddy. Primo breaks up the count, eats a SUPERKICK, but EPICO WITH A BOTCHED BACKSTABBER wins Primo and Epico the match.
BACKSTAGE, Josh Mathews interviews Cody. He says the previous Santino Royal Rumble ad was ridiculous, almost as ridiculous as Booker T’s performance last night. Cody implies he’s going to win the Rumble, but Santino interrupts with a CHRISTMAS GIFT because they have a match tonight. IT’S A CHRISTMAS COBRA. Beware, Kobe, Santino warns.
Santino arrives and powerwalks his way to the ring. Cody follows with BEST THEME SONG OF 2011 and King and Cole are bickering over it. Goddammit. Cody pounds on Santino. Russian Leg Sweep and TAUNT. Cody focuses on Santino’s Cobra arm. Santino tries a rally and COBRA but Cody interrupts with ALABAMA SLAM and that’s it.
Backstage, the Bellas slut it up to Johnny Ace with Otunga in the background with a PURPLE TRAVEL MUG. Ace gets double kisses and VICKIE ARRIVES and wants a rematch for Dolph. Hornswoggle arrives with Mistletoe and kisses Vickie.
King and Cole recap last night’s wins for Punk, Bryan and Ryder, and they play Ryder’s dad’s reaction from WWE.com. Josh Mathews interviews Show backstage and asks him about Bryan cashing in. Show says he had it in his hands and says it took him nine years. He’s speechless, but says it’s his fault for encouraging Bryan to cash in on Henry. He gives Bryan credit, but Josh says it must be burning Show up inside that he has the shortest WHC reign in history. Show flashes a look of anger and walks away. Uh oh.
Miz arrives and he came to play. Dolph (and Vickie) arrive with terrible music and followed by EL PATRON (arriving in a swank 2009 Rolls Royce Phantom worth $300,000) and INTERRUPTED BY THE IT BEGINS PROMO. This time focusing on the girl, who says “I cannot help you anymore. Do you understand?”. And…Ryder COMES IN FROM THE CROWD! BRYAN DOES THE SAME AND SO DOES PUNK! TREMENDOUS! THE CHAMPIONS OF THE PEOPLE! The Champs pose in the ring and Cole’s spazzing on commentary. Punk starts with Miz. They tie up and Punk gets a head lock Punk with a quick elbow for two. ARMDRAG and Punk tags Bryan in. DOUBLE LEAP FROG AND DROP KICK BY BRYAN gets two. Miz manages to scramble to his corner and tag in Ziggler, who runs in and eats a drop toe hold. Bryan puts Dolph’s legs in a Surfboard position and stomps down. Ow. Bryan tags Ryder in and DOUBLE HIP TOSS to Dolph. Del Rio runs in but Ryder and Bryan sidestep them and then Miz gets tossed out by Bryan. Bryan with a suicide dive attempt but he sees the heels move, so he stops short, but Ryder with a PLANCHA hits Del Rio and Miz. Bryan runs on the apron and hits Dolph with FLYING KNEE to the outside, while Ryder positions Miz and Del Rio for a FLYING CROSSBODY FROM THE TOP ROPE and the Champs get in the ring to feed off the crowd as we go to break. Back from break, Bryan KICKS but Miz ducks and hits a DDT on Bryan for two. Miz tags in Del Rio and STOMPS A MUDHOLE on Bryan. Del Rio hits an running low dropkick to Bryan’s back for two. Ziggler tags in and HEADLOCK. Bryan gets out of it but Ziggler clotheslines Bryan. The heels keep Bryan out of his side of the ring until Bryan kicks Ziggler out of the corner. Bryan crawls his way and tags in Ryder, who hits FLYING FOREARM on Dolph and FACEBUSTER. FOREARM TO THE CORNER AND BROSKI BOOT then immediately clotheslines Miz and Del Rio off the apron. Ryder gets one. Ziggler gets a dropkick and two. Miz tags in and KNEES TO THE FACE and kneelift gets two. Headlock countered to a hiptoss but Miz carries Zack to his corner before he could tag in. Del Rio tags in and Ryder tosses his out of the ring. Ryder crawls to Punk and Del Rio tags in Miz! Punk with forearms and swinging neckbreaker. Knee/Bulldog combo! Punk climbs the ropes and hits a MACHO ELBOW and gets two. ANACONDA VICE but Ziggler breaks it up. Ryder drags him out of the ring and CLOTHESLINE to the outside. Punk tags Bryan in and Miz tags in Del Rio, who eats MISSILE DROPKICK! Miz kicks him in the head and PUNK ANSWETS WITH GTS! Del Rio pushes Punk out and tosses Bryan into the ringpost. Del Rio calls for the Cross Arm Breaker but BRYAN COUNTERS INTO THE LEBELL LOCK! DEL RIO HAS TO TAP AND IT’S OVER! What a match. The Champ pose with their titles and we’re…actually building new stars. Bryan, Ryder and Punk celebrate with the crowd and Cole sounds like he’s about to cry.
Final Thoughts: Pretty damn strong Raw tonight, and the Smarky crowd helped with the Indy/Internet darlings.
The Orton/Barrett rematch was the same old shit, but thank God, they’re building Wade up again.
Alicia/Beth was what Jim Ross would call bowling shoe ugly. Apparently Beth got banged up.
Don’t care about the Sheamus/Mahal squash.
Kane’s return is still being booked solidly. I loved that he tried smothering Cena with his glove instead of the usual Chokeslam. But Cena did telegraph what would happen with the shirt ripping with the damn cut in the neck of the shirt.
Primo/Epico vs. The Usos was pretty awesome. With Bourne back from suspension, the Tag division is back on track.
And yeah, Cody/Santino was just a fun squash. I do believe this is the first time the Alabama Slam has won a match in quite some time.
Yep, I think Show’s turning heel on Friday.
The Champs vs. The Heels was a very good match and the crowd’s reactions added to it. And the finish made you believe this IS a new era in the WWE. God, I hope it is.