LAST WEEK: Punk Retains! JoMo leaves! WWWYKI!
THIS WEEK: Cena arrives to a chorus of MIXED REACTION. Cena recaps the Piper’s Pit segment from last week, telling the audience that’s exactly how Piper’s feeling. Cena does the usual crowd ass-kissing, and says the crowd has earned the right to boo him or cheer him. Cena says he’s been dealing with those reactions for years, but the biggest deal was the slap. Not the one Piper gave him, it was the slap of the ref for three of Punk successfully defending against Del Rio, and interjects himself as a number one contender, because Cena/Rock may be big, but Cena/Rock for the championship would be bigger. DEL RIO INTERRUPTS and says that the championship match is his. He reminds Cena that Ace said that if Punk DQ’s himself, Del Rio would win. Del Rio shows us the Exposed Turnbuckle GTS on the Titantron, and claims Punk cheated on purpose. It’s not his fault the Ref didn’t see it and he should be Champ right now. BUT EXCUSE ME, Vickie has arrived with Dolph Ziggler. She says neither one of them deserve a championship match. But Ziggler does. Ziggler says he beat Orton last week on Raw, and is the current longest-reigning champion. He claims he’ll be both US and WWE Champ and he puts on the best matches each week on purpose. Cena says Show-Off isn’t exactly what Ziggler is, but he came up with something else: Jerk-Off, but Ziggler counters that he can back it up any night. Cena says Ziggler claims to back his skills up, but he refuses to defend the US Championship against someone who deserves it: Zack Ryder. And the crowd goes WOO WOO WOO. Ziggler says the title shot goes to WAIT HERE COMES THE MIZ. And he asks the obvious question: Really. He has some news: THE SLAMMYS ARE NEXT WEEK, He had a title reign longer than a month (looking at Alberto), and he doesn’t need Vickie Guerrero to get a reaction (looking at Ziggler). Miz claims he’s going to be 2011’s Superstar Of The Year and next WWE Champion.
BUT HERE COMES JOHNNY ACE and yes he is still Executive VP of Talent Relations and Interim GM of Monday Night Raw. He says he’s been falsely accused by CM Punk of being a boring corporate figurehead incapable of making decisions creatively. And he’ll shatter that perception NIGHT NOW. Each of the four guys in the ring will face a Smackdown guy and whoever wins joins the WWE Championship match at TLC. AND there will be a contract signing with Punk! Cena, though, is the exception. Ace calls it the “Social Experiment” and tells Cena to see him in his office to find out who he’ll face. Miz’s match is next, and it’s against RANDY ORTON. And the smile leaves Miz’s face.
Miz and Orton lock up and takes Miz down early. Miz kicks Orton’s knee and attacks Orton mercilessly. Orton reverses and gains the advantage. Clothesline brings Miz down and Orton attacks Miz’s joints. Miz telegraphs and takes advantage of Orton. Miz headlocks Orton and Orton tries rallying but REALITY CHECK gets Miz two. Orton counters Miz’s headlock into a backdrop. Miz tries his corner clothesline but FIVE MOVES. CLOTHESLINE CLOTHESLINE SCOOP SLAM DDT…GETS INTERRUPTED by a Backdrop! BUT MIZ GETS SCOOP SLAMMED ON THE FLOOR BUT HERE COMES WADE! And he walks slowly toward Orton. Orton gives chase and MIZ WINS VIA COUNTOUT. Wade Barrett, you glorious bastard. Miz gets into the match! BUT ORTON IS ANGRY and goes for Miz, but Barrett hits Orton from behind!
WWE Network’s video shows off WWE’s brilliant editing team. I’m pumped. Zack Ryder is backstage with Johnny Ace! And Ace is saying Ziggler is complaining that an online petition does no grant title shots…and Ace agrees. But here comes Cena in full Broski regalia (headband/Wig, Sunglasses) and asks what the Social Experiment is. Ace is going to put Cena in a match against a very popular superstar…Zack Ryder?! What a tweest. Zack and Cena refuse, but Ace sweetens the pot: If Zack wins, he’ll get a US Title shot against Ziggler. AWKWARD BROSKI LOOKS. OTUNGA IS BACKSTAGE and talking to…Kevin Nash! A Sledgehammer Ladder match is signed. A Sledgehammer will be hanging above the ring and whoever gets it first can use it until the match ends. Nash also has a match tonight. I like Otunga being Laurinaitis’ gofer.
EL PATRON ARRIVES in a beautiful red 2012 Maserati Grand Turismo worth $160,000. And his opponent? DANIEL BRYAN. This will be so good. Bryan’s ribs are taped up after that top rope World’s Strongest Slam from last week. Also shut up, Cole. Del Rio immediately goes after the ribs. Hammer Throw to the turnbuckle hits Bryan hard, but Bryan counters with a moonsault flip and some kicks. Bryan gets a guillotine in before being thrown into the ropes. Del Rio puts Bryan in the Cross Arm Breaker and Bryan taps quick.
Backstage, ALICIA FOX, KELLY KELLY AND EVE WALK. IT’s just Eve and Kelly against Beth and Nattie. a Pinup Strong video plays but INTERRUPTED BY MYSTERIOUS PROMO ABOUT JANUARY 2, 2012 about a “prophet” emerging to destroy the weak. And it says LOOK WITHIN…and the Pinup Strong promo continues. Odd. Double Russian Leg Sweep brings Kelly down. Beth scoop slams Kelly and puts her in a headlock. And…uhh…Kelly rolls Beth up randomly. Yeah. What.
WWWYKI! Zack Ryder arrives and he’s filming for Z!TLIS. He awaits Cena, who arrives to another mixed reaction. Cena and Ryder shake hands as the match starts. They tie up and they’re actually chain wrestling. They rin the ropes and Ryder hits a flying elbow on Cena. Another rope sequence, Cena gets a hiptoss on Ryder and headlocks him. Ryder rolls Cena over and gets a FLAPJACK for one. Back on a headlock, Cena tries for an AA but Ryder fights out of it and puts on a headlock. Cena gets out of it with his strength, but Ryder telegraphed the irish whip into a neckbreaker. Cena backdrops Ryder, but KNEES TO THE FACE, MISSILE DROPKICK and gets two. Ryder climbs up top, but Cena intercepts with an AA position. Ryder counters into a TORNADO DDT and gets TWOOOOOOOO. Ryder calls for the Rough Ryder, but Cena ducks and SHOULDERBLOCK SHOULDERBLOCK PROTOBOMB YOU CAN’T SEE ME FIVE KNUCKLE SHUFFLE AA position Ryder gets out of it, Cena‘s head hits the turnbuckle and RYDER HITS THE BROSKI BOOT. WWW! Ryder calls for the Rough Ryder again, but Cena catches him with the AA and that’s it. Cena helps Ryder up, but Ryder goes ARE YOU SERIOUS BRO and TENSION MOUNTS. Cena gets out of the ring to talk to Ace.
BACKSTAGE, Cena tells Ace to listen to the people. He tells Ace that Zack worked his ass off and he deserves a US title shot. Ace says there’s one condition: For Zack to get another shot at the US Title, Cena should give up his newly-won title shot. Cena says he’s a ten-time champion and he worked his ass off. Ryder worked HIS ass off as well and Cena gives his title shot up. Ryder’s got a match next. If he wins, he gets a title shot.
NEW KANE RESURRECTED PROMO and I am EXCITED. He…he’s putting the mask back on. Oh god. I am marking my balls off.
IN THE RING, Ryder’s match will be No Countouts and No DQ. And his opponent is…Mark Henry. Oh shit. Are you fucking serious, Bro? Henry’s still got a bandaged ankle. Henry brings Zack down and manhandles him pretty quickly. Henry vice grips Zack’s shoulder, but ZACK STEPS ON HENRY’S FOOT and tries a rally, but ELBOW TO THE FACE. Henry throws Zack around. ZACK KCISK HENRY IN THE FACE and ANKLE TO THE TURNBUCKLE. BROSKI BOOT! Henry throws Ryder out! CENA ARRIVES and Henry blocks the Rough Ryder. CENA RUNS IN! NO DQ! ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT ON HENRY! CENA DRAGS RYDER ON TOP OF HENRY! THAT’S IT! HE HAS HIS SHOT, BRO! Cena raises Ryder’s hand!
BACKSTAGE! Vickie can’t reverse the Ref’s decision because it was no DQ. Ace DID tell her who Ziggler’s opponent is: SHEAMUS. Swagger offers his services, but Ziggler refuses. NEXT: NASH IS WALKING BACKSTAGE. Be careful of your Quad, Kev.
Nash arrives with a SLEDGEHAMMER and wait, is that his TNA gear? HA. He puts the Sledgehammer on the announce table. And his opponent? Uh oh, it’s Santino. And he threatens Kev with the Cobra. Yeah, this is a squash. Sidewalk slam gets Kev two. Kev boots Santino’s face off, pulls the straps down and POWERBOMBS SANTINO. That’s IT. He grabs the Sledgehammer and…wait, he isn’t going to beat Santino up with it, is he? Santino’s begging off but Kev simply poses with it and walks away.
BACKSTAGE, Punk is talking with Evan Bourne (probably not about synthetic marijuana). HERE COMES ZIGGLER WITH HIS CRAPPY NEW (old?) THEME! AND HERE COMES SHEAMUS WITHOUT SKIN PIGMENT! Ziggler avoids Sheamus’ offense at first but they finally lock up and Sheamus pours on the pressure with a hard headlock and forearm plant. Sheamus hits a shoulderblock, but Ziggler hits a dropkick for one. Ziggler drags Sheamus to the corner ans slaps him but SHEAMUS ANSWERS with a forearm. Sheamus hits the Chest Punches on the reps, snap suplex and gets two. Sheamus eats a European uppercut and a neckbreaker and TWO. Ziggler continues putting pressure on Sheamus and gets a headlock on. Sheamus tosses him off and Ziggler counters with a FAMEASSER for two. Ziggler puts a headlock on Sheamus, who hits a throwaway slam. ACHE HANDLE AXE HANDLE AXE HANDLE. HEADBUTTS IN THE CORNER. CLOTHESLINE. Sheamus calls for the Celtic Cross, but Ziggler gets out of it and tosses Sheamus into the ring post. BUT ZACK RYDER ARRIVES TO DISTRACT DOLPH. He runs to the ring but stops before getting in and BROGUE KICK OUT OF NOWHERE GETS THREE!
Back in the ring, ROUGH RYDER ON ZIGGLER. Ryder poses with the US Title and fist pumps with the crowd. WWWYKI! Up Next, Del Rio, Miz and Punk SIGN CONTRACTS~
IN THE RING. MIZ AND DEL RIO ARE IN SUITS. And heeeeeeeeeere’s Johnny Ace! Ace says it’s exciting time to be a fan, because of the STILL FORTHCOMING debut of Brodus Clay, The Slammy’s next week and next week’s main event, Mark Henry vs. John Cena. It is Ace’s pleasure to introduce YOOOUR WWE CHAMPION, CM Punk. Without a Suit. Punk doesn’t sit down and just rearranges furniture. Ace asks what he’s doing, and Punk says this is WWE’s biggest cliché, a contract signing. It always, ALWAYS ends in a Pier 6 Brawl (which he hopes will trend tonight) and since Ace is devoid of Charisma, Punk wants a peaceful contract signing for the first time since Wrestlemania 3. Ace can be Jack Tunney, they can just sign the contract and they can all fight. Ace calls himself Mr. Excitement (oh lord) and since he IS Mr. Excitement, it won’t be a normal Triple Threat. It’s going to be a Triple Threat TLC Match. Punk says he’s OK with that. Miz says he took JoMo and Truth out. Like on a date, Punk asks. Based on his fauxhawk and prima-donna attitude, he must have taken them out to the new Twilight movie. NOT THAT THERE’S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT. Punk, you glorious bastard. Miz says he injured JoMo so bad, Ace released him, which is the cue for Ace to wish JoMo all the best in his future endeavors. My god, Ace has been funny the past few weeks. Miz says he doesn’t regret it. Those two were once his friends, imagine what he’ll do to Punk and Del Rio, both of whom he doesn’t like. With Tables, Ladders and Chairs, he’ll take the title back. Punk says he agrees with one thing Miz said: they don’t like each other. Punk says he doesn’t concern himself with hanging out in Hollywood and TMZ, he concerns himself at being the best wrestler in the world. Del Rio says the both of them are crying like little girls. He says HE is the best in the world. This year, he won everything: Royal Rumble, MitB, and the WWE Championship and there’s nothing anyone can do about it. You know why? asks ADR. Punk interrupts and says if ADR says it is his Destiny, he swears to Jebus that he’ll start drinking. GLORIOUS. Miz has had enough. Him an Del Rio aren’t friends and at TLC they’ll tear each other apart. But one thing they can agree on, no matter what happens, Punk isn’t walking out the WWE Champion. Miz signs the contract. Del Rio agrees and signs as well. Punk signs and the Triple Threat TLC Match is ON. Ace wishes them good luck and he’s looking forward to the match. He calls for a WWE.com photographer to take a picture for the front page. Punk scoffs at this and says contract signings are supposed to end in brawls. He says if you want anything done right, you have to do it yourself and CLOCKS MIZ WITH THE MIC. Del Rio and Punk brawl in the ring, but Ricardo is the X-Factor and Del Rio takes advantage of Punk. Del Rio sets up the table and calls for a powerbomb, but Miz from behind gets Del Rio in the Skull Crushing Finale position, but PUNKOUTOFNOWHERE hits Del Rio in the corner and BULLDOGS HIM THROUGH THE TABLE. Miz eats a GTS and Punk poses in the ring. Nice.
Final Thoughts: I like Cena NOT being in the title picture. I did like the stips of the contenders fighting top Smackdown guys. The Miz/Orton match was pretty good and it furthered the Orton/Barrett feud.
The Bryan/Del Rio match could have been amazing, but they had to sell Bryan’s injuries.
The Divas segment was just…there. At least the 1/2/2012 teaser looked goooooood.
I liked the Cena/Ryder match, especially Ryder’s reaction at the end. And the whole Cena being selfless to get Ryder a shot was handled well, although that still won’t win over the Smarks.
The Ryder/Henry match was tremendous, although I do question the World Heavyweight Champion brought down by one Attitude Adjustment. They could have built up an Attitude Adjustment, THEN a Rough Ryder, but alas. At least Zack has his shot.
Nash/Santino was just a squash. Just shaking Nash’s ring rust off, nothing to see here.
Dolph/Sheamus was a brawl, and it showed Dolph as smart to use different offense against a brawler like Sheamus. Big night for Zack as he had ANOTHER segment here, distracting Dolph and setting up their feud.
The contract signing was ridiculous, and Ace and Punk saved it with their humor. My God, why is Ace FUNNY just playing up his blandness? Anyway, it’s rare to see the face come up on top in a contract signing brawl, except if you’re Cena.