Thursday, December 29, 2011
Aquaman #4 – So Aquaman and Mera have found the creatures’ nest, which is apparently an old Atlantean ship. Aquaman and Mera find the missing townspeople stored in cocoons to feed the creatures’ queen. So what does Aquaman do? Trigger a volcanic eruption in the trench and seal it off, of course. The people are saved, Aquaman gets a dog, and the next issue blurb promises, no THREATENS to reveal why Atlantis sank. So, that's our first arc and it was...not what I'd expect out of Geoff Johns. Basically, it was all people don't take Aquaman seriously even though he does all this amazing stuff, and it took four issues to establish that...why?
Green Lantern – New Guardians #4 – Larfleeze and Sayd have arrived and you best believe it’s Clobbering Time. The fight doesn’t have a clear winner, but Sayd promises to Kyle to help him find out why the rogue rings chose him. Munk teleports everyone out but Arkillo refuses to leave the fight. Saint Walker uses the blue ring to give Arkillo his tongue back. He tries to give Bleez her mind back, but she flees. Sayd tells Rayner of the force that tried to steal the rings and drew them to him, and it led her to a massive solar system-sized ship called the Orrery and that’s our destination for the next issue. I'm still in this for the long haul, especially Sayd's new motivation to get the old Ganthet back. I like this rainbow team with the exception of Saint Walker, who we know of already. Why not Brother Warth? He hasn't been established all that well.
FF #13 – Val and Evil Reed open up the way to the former Council of Reeds and now headquarters of some very angry Celestials. Kristoff, Doom, Evil Reed, the Kids and Nathaniel go through the portal and Evil Reed finally frees Doom. Franklin tries to heal the Celestials with his powers but manages to mark himself a threat. Everyone escapes through the portal, but Doom remains to make sure Evil Reed pulls the trigger on the Ultimate Nullifier. I love how this is basically a .5 issue to the FF series, filling in the blanks yet still retaining its identity as the Smart Kids book. I really love how Hickman has been writing Doom, especially with the last page giving us a glimpse of the old Doom we know and love, and yet retaining that air of arrogance even while concerned about his goddaughter Valeria.
Secret Avengers #20 – So, Steve Rogers, War Machine and Sharon Carter die and Rhodey leaves Black Widow with a time-traveling device. Oh boy. So we time-jump all over the place, finding out where Black Widow’s time-travel device came from and preventing Steve, Rhodey and Sharon’s deaths.While I hate Time Travel stories, I like this because I'm biased towards Ellis' writing. It's a clever way to play into Black Widow's slowed aging and the whole changing-history-while-NOT-changing-history thing Warren did this issue. Fun, fun issue. It's just sad next issue is his last, but since he's limiting his Comic projects for now, it's nice to get more Ellis.
Pick of the Week:
Avengers – The Children’s Crusade #8 – Dr. Doom gets Wanda’s reality-warping powers though SHENANIGANS. Doom refuses to give the power up and sends Wanda and the kids home. The X-Men and Avengers debate Wanda’s fate and Wiccan throws the hypocrisy of harboring Magneto and former criminals in their faces and yet wanting to kill Wanda for what she did. Doom arrives and offers everyone what they want as long as they bow to him. So yes, FIGHTY TIME. Wanda and Wiccan open up a portal and Victor’s power drains. He flees, but not before hinting that he’s behind No More Mutants. And there is a casualty. I wasn't sold on Children's Crusade for the first six issues (way too slow a build) but once Doom goes all Beyonder on us again, things kicked into high gear. Wiccan's speech about the hypocrisy of both the Avengers and the X-Men was brilliant and goes to show Heinberg really knows these characters in and out. As for the casualty...well, never say die in the Marvel Universe. But with next issue being the last and it leading directly to the Avengers vs. X-Men event next year, you never know.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
PUNK’S MUSIC FILLS THE ARENA AND…out comes Johnny Ace with a Best in the World shirt on top of his suit. Glorious. He calls himself EXECUTIVE VICE PRESIDENT OF TALENT RELATIONS AND INTERIM GM OF MONDAY NIGHT RAW AND MR. EXCITEMENT. People say he brought about the new Golden Era. This era will continue tonight at the home of the WWE Champion. Ace says he’s a Punk believer. AND HERE COMES PUNK to the approval of the hometown crowd. Punk says Ace is antagonizing him wearing his shirt. He says there are some questions…like what’s stopping him from kicking Ace in the face. Ace says he’s Punk’s boss and has taken management classes and learned to empower his talent. Oh god, Ace is funnier when he’s trying to be serious. Since it’s the holiday season, Ace would like to give Punk a holiday gift: The night off…PSYCH! See? Ace can be unpredictable. Punk and Chicago make fun of Ace’s predictability. Ace says he listens to the fans and they want to see Punk in action. Ace books Punk in a Gauntlet (uh oh) against three opponents of his choosing. And if one of them wins against Punk, he’ll get a WWE Championship match next week on the first Raw of 2012. Punk’s up for a challenge and asks what happens if he beats all three? Ace says he hadn’t given it much though, which of course Punk predicted. Punk says Ace isn’t a forward thinker. Luckily, Punk has an idea. WHEN he beats Ace’s three guys, he wants to give Chicago a fourth match: Punk vs. Ace. Ace says “You don’t want any of this”. Oh god. First of all, it’d be totally unfair to Punk. After wrestling thrice, there won’t be much there and it won’t look good for Ace to beat the World Champ. But, Ace DID say he listens to the WWE universe, so Punk polls the fans and asks them if they want to see Punk vs. Johnny Ace and they approve. Ace accepts! OH SHIT! MY BALLS! BUT NEVERMIND THAT SHIT, END OF THE WORLD PROMO. THE POWERS THAT BE WILL BE SHAKEN. THE END BEGINS NEXT MONDAY. BUT NEXT! Booker T Vs. Cody Rhodes!
WE CAN DIG IT SUCKAAAAAA! Booker arrives and they recap his feud with Rhodes. And here comes Cody to the delight of one girl in the crowd. Booker and Cody lock up and Booker still has it. Booker gets some nice offense and gets 2 off of a scoop slam. But Cody takes over and smashes Booker in the turnbuckle. Booker counters and hits a suplex for two. Cody ducks the Scissors Kick and gets a neckbreaker. He throws Booker out. Back from break, Booker takes over after a nice cop to Cody’s chest, but eats an elbow from Cody. Kneedrop gets two. Cody wears Booker with a bodyscissors neck lock, but Booker gets out of it but Cody telegraphs it with a Goldust dropdown throat thrust followed by a clothesline for two. Boo/Yay punch sequence gets derailed by a Cody dropkick for two. Booker builds momentum and hits a slide slam for two. Booker rolls Cody up after avoiding his charge and gets two, Cody counters with a rollup of his own for two. Cody avoids another Scissors Kick and rolls Booker up for two. Cody hits BEAUTIFUL DISASTER FOR TWO! Cody tries for CrossRhodes but Booker counters with REVERSE KICK. Booker irish whips cody to the ropes but Cody avoids the kick. Cody kicks Booker in the gut, but Booker counters and HITS THE SCISSORS KICK! BOOKER GETS IT! CELEBRATION SPINAROONIE!
Backstage, Ryder thanks Cena, but Cena says it’s all Zack. Zack asks about Kane, and Cena replies he’s going out to confront him.
Lawler announces Punk’s Gauntlet Match opponents: Jack Swagger, Dolph Ziggler and Mark Henry. Uh-oh.
Backstage, Scott Armstrong interrupts Show getting beauty tips from Kelly Kelly’s iPad. He says Laurinaitis wants Show in his office now.
Back from break, Otunga threatens lawsuit about Show’s punch from SD. Show says he could beat Otunga with one arm tied behind his back. Ace books Otunga vs. Show for tonight with Show’s arm tied behind his back in exchange for Otunga not filing charges.
Swagger and Ziggler bicker and Vickie says either one of them can beat Punk and win a match against Punk for the title. Mark Henry EXCUSES HIMSELF and leaves.
EVE HAS ARRIVED and I don’t care. But her partner for tonight is Zack Ryder, which makes me care. Nattie and Tyson get the jobber entrance so yeah, Zack and Eve win with ROUGH RYDER.
Cena arrives to BOOS. Cena panders to Chicagoans and then calls Kane out, but gets The Miz instead. Miz wants a match with Cena instead because he didn’t win the main event at WM because of Rocky. He wants to prove that he doesn’t need Rocky to win against Cena. Cena wants a ref and here we go.
They tie up and everyone boos everyone in the ring. It’s hilarious. LET’S GO CENA/CENA SUCKS dueling chants and Miz rolls out of the ring and grabs a mic. He says the crowd’s chanting the wrong guy’s name and says screw this match. Miz gets counted out but continues on his rant and OH SHIT HERE COMES TRUTH! Truth throws Miz to the barricade and BRAWL TIME. Truth grabs a mic and tells Miz he could finish this right now, but there’s no fun in that. That’s the problem with Christmas. You open your presents and it’s over. Truth says he’ll take his time getting to Miz. LITTLE JIMMY SAYS IT’S OKAY! You glorious, insane bastard.
Next up, Show vs. Otunga with Show’s arm tied behind his back. Yep, one-armed Squash. BUT MARK HENRY ARRIVES and decimates Show BUT HERE COMES DANIEL BRYAN who distracts Henry enough for Show to get his arm loose and Chokeslam to Otunga.
OH SHIT, HERE COMES EL PATRON…in a WHEELCHAIR (according to King, a Nova 500 Series Wheelchair worth $200). And Ricardo’s still introducing him as he pushes the wheelchair. Glorious. Alberto announces he has a groin injury. He gets disgusted at the crowd’s delight in seeing him in pain. But it doesn’t matter. Here comes the Bellas and they slut it up. Alberto’s annoyed and yells at them to stop and begs them to leave. Alberto promises that his new year’s resolution will be to be more vicious and aggressive in 2012 and he will be WWE champ again. Ricardo pushes him to the back.
Next up: THE GAUNTLET. Swagger comes out first with Vickie and Punk arrives with TIME FOR CLOBBERING. Semi-glorified squash, Punk wins with the GTS. Ziggler arrives immediately but SWAGGER ATTACKS FROM BEHIND. Ziggler zeroes in on Punk’s attacked leg. At one point, Punk gets Ziggler in the GTS position but SWAGGER DISTRACTS THE REF WHILE VICKIE GRABS PUNK’S LEG and Ziggler gets a Fameasser. ACE ARRIVES and says there’s been an injustice and PUNK KICKS ZIGGLER’S HEAD OFF and covers him, but Ace distracts the ref by telling him about Vickie and Swagger’s distraction…while Punk covers Dolph. Ace distracts Punk and ZIGGLER WITH THE ZIG ZAG! ZIGGLER HAS A MATCH NEXT WEEK THANKS TO ACE!
Kane arrives (WITH WELDING MASK) and he has something to say. Kane says what the fans see is the real him. He may wear a mask, but it’s all of them who spend every second living a lie. Cena interrupts but KANE GOT HIS PYROKINESIS BACK and stops Cena with a wall of fire! Kane says he didn’t come out to pick a fight with him. Kane says he chose Cena to attack because Cena led all the fans astray. He says Cena tells them to rise above hate, but that’s a fallacy. He says the world is a dark, dark place and it’s okay to hate. Humans are hateful by nature and that deep down, everyone hates. Why rise above it when the natural impulse is to embrace it and let it consume you? People hate their bosses and neighbors and spouses and their miserable existence. Rise above is a myth perpetuated by Cena. Hate is the seed from which we are all born. It motivates us, fuels our impulses and Kane knows Cena feels it. Once you embrace the hate, you become honest with yourself. You become free. What John fails to realize, is that with his denial, he grows weaker by the moment. And until Cena embraces the Hate, he can never be truly free. DUELING LET’S GO CENA/CENA SUCKS chants fill the arena. Kane says he’s going to help Cena embrace the hate. And everyone will help Cena with his path to enlightenment. The last thing Cena will see this year is everyone chanting the words that tear his soul apart: “CENA SUCKS”. Cena looks like he’s about to cry while the chants fill the arena. Kane smiles in the ring as this is happening.
Final Thoughts: That opening segment was hilarious. Johnny Ace has been great in his role.
Booker vs. Cody was great. Booker still has it.
Eve/Ryder vs. Nattie/Tyson was just meh. Not even Ryder can save it.
R-TRUTH RETURNS and so does Little Jimmy! HE SAYS IT’S OKAY! I love Insane Truth. Insane Face Truth? EVEN MORE AWESOME.
Otunga/Show was just to plug that plot hole from last SD.
The Gauntlet wasn’t all that great aside from Vickie shenanigans. I’m all for a good Ziggler/Punk match next week, though.
The final segment was gold, though. Kane retains his glorious promo ability and regained his pyrokinesis. And my God, is he going to push Cena to Hate, just in time for Cena/Rocky at WM? HMM. I’m intrigued.
Raw was meh, wrestling-wise. But Kane saved the entire show with that glorious promo.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Green Lantern Corps #4 – Last time, a handful of Lanterns (including John Stewart) were left behind to fend off the Keepers while Guy Gardner tries to interrogate one of them. Luckily, his old pal (although they don’t know each other anymore DAMN YOU NEW52!) Martian Manhunter lends a helping hand and we learn that the Power Batteries have Keepers, who are these fellows. And they’re coming for the central power battery on Oa. Oh dear.
Red Hood & The Outlaws #4 – So Jason and Roy get arrested for a bar fight, having been led to that town by clues to The Untitled. Starfire tries watching over them but gets attacked by someone who looks like an alien named Crux. Meanwhile, Jason and Roy subdue the female police officer only to find that SHE is an Untitled and yay fighty time. Back with Starfire, Crux explains his origins a little too long and Starfire gets the upper hand, but is blasted by an attack by Crux’s Tameran technology which apparently gives her human emotion. Jason prepares for another round with the Untitled.
Daredevil #7 – So, Murdock’s taking some blind kids to a lodge and they get into an accident and we flash back to the Christmas party days earlier, and we’re back to Murdock Daredeviling it up and leading the kids away from the accident. In the cold. In the course of the trek, Daredevil passes out and the kids build a sled and take him to a nearby farmhouse where he calls the cops and they’re all rescued. What a nice feel-good ending until the ominous last page.
Amazing Spider-Man #676 – THE SINISTER SIX ASSEMBLE. Doc Ock is on his last legs and gets a major tech upgrade to pull off one final job. And for that job, they need to steal the Intelligencia’s Zero Cannon (which can hurl anything into orbit). And it’s an all-out Supervillain brawl as the Six battle the Intelligencia. And it’s not going well for the Intelligencia as the Six outmaneuver them and DESTROY the Zero Cannon. Ock promises to take over the world in 2012.
Pick of the Week:
Fantastic Four #601 – We get our feel-good moment when Johnny Storm arrives and THROWS THE CLASSIC FOUR SYMBOL IN THE AIR. Everything’s gonna be all right. Supremor readies the Nega-Bombs as Ronan refuses to go with it and leaves with Crystal. The Fantastic Four reunite and Johnny uses the Cosmic Control Rid to summon the Annihilation Wave to try and stop the Kree armada. And the Inhumans drop by to help even the odds a bit and the earth-bound heroes have a new crisis: Debris. Reed Richards calculates that winning may be moot because if it keeps up, there won’t BE an Earth to come back to. Oh boy.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
LAST NIGHT: NEW CHAMPS!
TONIGHT: We start off…with a drumroll? Punk from offscreen introduces Philly as the entertainment capital of this state, and welcomes us to Raw. On behalf of Ace, Punk announces the results of TLC: He announces himself as the winner. He comes out and the crowd goes wild. Punk heads to the ring and grabs a pipe bomb. He says that much to the chagrin of Ace and shenanigans, he retains his championship. He says he’s beat up and sore, but he believes the title is something a lot of people thought he’d never hold, which brings him to the next match, the US Title Match. Drumroll, and Zack Ryder comes out to the delight of the crowd. HUGE Ryder chants. Punk continues with the biggest, the World Heavyweight Championship…Show won, but then, THE UNTHINKABLE HAPPENED. Daniel Bryan comes out with the WHC and the Philly crowd loves it. Bryan shakes hands with Ryder and he and Punk share a friendly hug. DANIEL BRYAN chants fill the arena as the three champs soak it in. Punk continues saying if any city would appreciate this scene, it would be Philly, a city entrenched in PRO WRESTLING HISTORY. And that’s Philly’s cue for ECW chants. Punk says it trips him out because ten years ago, he and Bryan fought at the Murphy Rec Center and now they’re both standing in a WWE ring as the top two champions in the company. Of course, this takes nothing away from Zack Ryder, who leads the crowd to a WOO WOO WOO. Punk says tonight’s celebration isn’t about him, it’s about Zack and Bryan. Punk says they both started from the bottom, watched them break their backs for the love of Pro Wrestling and he wants to hear from the new champs.
Punk hands Ryder the stick and Ryder says he can’t believe he’s champ and even called his dad to confirm, who said WWWYKI! He hands Bryan the mic and cue the appreciative crowd. He says Punk said no one expected him to become WWE Champ, but people never expected him to even get to WWE. There’s people like Cole who say he shouldn’t even be here, but he’s not only here, he’s the World Heavyweight Champion. Bryan says it’s unbelievable, but Punk directs Bryan to the stage, where Miz, Ziggler and Del Rio have appeared and apparently have formed some sort of alliance as they walk threateningly to the ring. The surround the ring, but the champs are ready for them. The champs chase them off and the heels huddle outside the ring. Ryder’s had enough and planchas out hitting Ziggler. Miz and Del Rio attack Zack but the World Champs chase Miz and Del Rio up the ramp where they’re met by John Laurinaitis. He says to back off on both sides and reminds us that he’s the EVP of Talent Relations and blah blah and gave them all an opportunity last night. Because he’s creative, tonight’s main event will be Punk, Bryan and Ryder teaming up against Miz, Del Rio and Ziggler. In the words of Geese Howard, PREDICTABO! Ace says this is his Christmas gift to the superstars and the WWE Universe.
Coming up, Kane returns and Cena will talk about it, and a rematch from last night with Wade vs. Orton and it’s ugh, next.
Anyway, Orton arrives bland as you please, followed by the decidedly not-bland Wade Barrett in his new T-Shirt (AVAILABLE NOW AT WWESHOP.COM) and…I really don’t want to recap this. Orton bores the shit out of me. Anyway, we get a thumb to the eye right in front of the ref by Wade and LOLORTONWINS by DQ. Wade gets a table and WASTELAND on Orton THROUGH A TABLE.
Up next, Alicia and Beth are WALKING. Beth comes out first followed by Alicia Fox, who apparently has a furry gimmick. They tie up and but Fox attacks with kicks. Beth counters to a sidewalk slam. Beth goes for a slingshot suplex but Alicia BOTCHES and hits a reverse DDT and a moonsault legdrop. Alicia grabs the stick and wishes us a foxy holiday.
Sheamus arrives and he’s gonna squash someone isn’t he. He’s approaching Orton levels of unwatchability. And yep, they recap the Mahal mini-feud and here comes Kinder with a mic and says Sheamus has no class or honor. He says it’s about time someone puts him in his place. But yeah. Mahal eats a Celtic Cross and that’s it.
NEXT: We’ll hear Cena yelling about Kane attacking him. And here comes BRRRRRRAPPLEDOUGH to his usual boovation. He says what he’ll say will be shocking: some people out there don’t like him. And he reminds us that he’s gonna fight Rocky and he can understand those, but Kane targeted him without reason last week. He calls Kane out and if last week was an accident, they’ll let bygones be bygones. But if it wasn’t, they should handle that business. But wait! That’s Mark Henry’s music! He says the business Cena needs to be concerned about was him laying Cena out and if it wasn’t for Kane, he’d be in the Hall of Pain. He says Cena is out here doing jokes. He’s not in the mood because he lost his title last night. He’s out here to address his injuries and why he lost. He tells Cena to scram. Cena gets ready to fight, but BOOM. LIGHTS GO OUT. RED LIGHTS. IT’S KANE! In his swank Welder mask! Kane goes around and looks at Henry…but Kane looks at Cena and goes in the ring instead. He takes the Welder’s mask off and Cena unloads on Kane, but he lands on his feet and TOSSES CENA OVER THE ANNOUNCE TABLE. Kane brutalizes Cena and SMOTHERS CENA’S FACE WITH THE GLOVE until he passes out. Cena’s mouth is bleeding. Kane rips Cena’s Rise Above Hate shirt and takes it to the back.
In the ring, Primo and Epico are in the ring and Rosa’s shaking her glorious ass to their music. And on the ramp, Jimmy and Jey do the Siva Tau and INTIMIDATE. The Usos tag fast but Jey eats Epico’s dropkick. Primo tags in and keeps Jey out of his corner. Primo suplexes Epico into Jey. Nice. Epico grounds Jey but Jey fights out and tags Jimmy in. Jimmy hits Epico with a nice flying forearm and a FULL NELSON BUSTER. Epico rolls to the corner and eats a SAMOAN BUTTSPLASH shades of Daddy. Primo breaks up the count, eats a SUPERKICK, but EPICO WITH A BOTCHED BACKSTABBER wins Primo and Epico the match.
BACKSTAGE, Josh Mathews interviews Cody. He says the previous Santino Royal Rumble ad was ridiculous, almost as ridiculous as Booker T’s performance last night. Cody implies he’s going to win the Rumble, but Santino interrupts with a CHRISTMAS GIFT because they have a match tonight. IT’S A CHRISTMAS COBRA. Beware, Kobe, Santino warns.
Santino arrives and powerwalks his way to the ring. Cody follows with BEST THEME SONG OF 2011 and King and Cole are bickering over it. Goddammit. Cody pounds on Santino. Russian Leg Sweep and TAUNT. Cody focuses on Santino’s Cobra arm. Santino tries a rally and COBRA but Cody interrupts with ALABAMA SLAM and that’s it.
Backstage, the Bellas slut it up to Johnny Ace with Otunga in the background with a PURPLE TRAVEL MUG. Ace gets double kisses and VICKIE ARRIVES and wants a rematch for Dolph. Hornswoggle arrives with Mistletoe and kisses Vickie.
King and Cole recap last night’s wins for Punk, Bryan and Ryder, and they play Ryder’s dad’s reaction from WWE.com. Josh Mathews interviews Show backstage and asks him about Bryan cashing in. Show says he had it in his hands and says it took him nine years. He’s speechless, but says it’s his fault for encouraging Bryan to cash in on Henry. He gives Bryan credit, but Josh says it must be burning Show up inside that he has the shortest WHC reign in history. Show flashes a look of anger and walks away. Uh oh.
Miz arrives and he came to play. Dolph (and Vickie) arrive with terrible music and followed by EL PATRON (arriving in a swank 2009 Rolls Royce Phantom worth $300,000) and INTERRUPTED BY THE IT BEGINS PROMO. This time focusing on the girl, who says “I cannot help you anymore. Do you understand?”. And…Ryder COMES IN FROM THE CROWD! BRYAN DOES THE SAME AND SO DOES PUNK! TREMENDOUS! THE CHAMPIONS OF THE PEOPLE! The Champs pose in the ring and Cole’s spazzing on commentary. Punk starts with Miz. They tie up and Punk gets a head lock Punk with a quick elbow for two. ARMDRAG and Punk tags Bryan in. DOUBLE LEAP FROG AND DROP KICK BY BRYAN gets two. Miz manages to scramble to his corner and tag in Ziggler, who runs in and eats a drop toe hold. Bryan puts Dolph’s legs in a Surfboard position and stomps down. Ow. Bryan tags Ryder in and DOUBLE HIP TOSS to Dolph. Del Rio runs in but Ryder and Bryan sidestep them and then Miz gets tossed out by Bryan. Bryan with a suicide dive attempt but he sees the heels move, so he stops short, but Ryder with a PLANCHA hits Del Rio and Miz. Bryan runs on the apron and hits Dolph with FLYING KNEE to the outside, while Ryder positions Miz and Del Rio for a FLYING CROSSBODY FROM THE TOP ROPE and the Champs get in the ring to feed off the crowd as we go to break. Back from break, Bryan KICKS but Miz ducks and hits a DDT on Bryan for two. Miz tags in Del Rio and STOMPS A MUDHOLE on Bryan. Del Rio hits an running low dropkick to Bryan’s back for two. Ziggler tags in and HEADLOCK. Bryan gets out of it but Ziggler clotheslines Bryan. The heels keep Bryan out of his side of the ring until Bryan kicks Ziggler out of the corner. Bryan crawls his way and tags in Ryder, who hits FLYING FOREARM on Dolph and FACEBUSTER. FOREARM TO THE CORNER AND BROSKI BOOT then immediately clotheslines Miz and Del Rio off the apron. Ryder gets one. Ziggler gets a dropkick and two. Miz tags in and KNEES TO THE FACE and kneelift gets two. Headlock countered to a hiptoss but Miz carries Zack to his corner before he could tag in. Del Rio tags in and Ryder tosses his out of the ring. Ryder crawls to Punk and Del Rio tags in Miz! Punk with forearms and swinging neckbreaker. Knee/Bulldog combo! Punk climbs the ropes and hits a MACHO ELBOW and gets two. ANACONDA VICE but Ziggler breaks it up. Ryder drags him out of the ring and CLOTHESLINE to the outside. Punk tags Bryan in and Miz tags in Del Rio, who eats MISSILE DROPKICK! Miz kicks him in the head and PUNK ANSWETS WITH GTS! Del Rio pushes Punk out and tosses Bryan into the ringpost. Del Rio calls for the Cross Arm Breaker but BRYAN COUNTERS INTO THE LEBELL LOCK! DEL RIO HAS TO TAP AND IT’S OVER! What a match. The Champ pose with their titles and we’re…actually building new stars. Bryan, Ryder and Punk celebrate with the crowd and Cole sounds like he’s about to cry.
Final Thoughts: Pretty damn strong Raw tonight, and the Smarky crowd helped with the Indy/Internet darlings.
The Orton/Barrett rematch was the same old shit, but thank God, they’re building Wade up again.
Alicia/Beth was what Jim Ross would call bowling shoe ugly. Apparently Beth got banged up.
Don’t care about the Sheamus/Mahal squash.
Kane’s return is still being booked solidly. I loved that he tried smothering Cena with his glove instead of the usual Chokeslam. But Cena did telegraph what would happen with the shirt ripping with the damn cut in the neck of the shirt.
Primo/Epico vs. The Usos was pretty awesome. With Bourne back from suspension, the Tag division is back on track.
And yeah, Cody/Santino was just a fun squash. I do believe this is the first time the Alabama Slam has won a match in quite some time.
Yep, I think Show’s turning heel on Friday.
The Champs vs. The Heels was a very good match and the crowd’s reactions added to it. And the finish made you believe this IS a new era in the WWE. God, I hope it is.
Monday, December 19, 2011
AWW SHUCKY DUCKY. We’re starting off with a Night Before Christmas-esque poem and Kasabian for some reason.
And Vickie Guerrero destroys our eardrums with a Merry Christmas and introduces Dolph Ziggler (with terrible music), and RYDER ARRIVES to THUNDEROUS applause and of course filming Z!TLIS. Ziggler and Ryder pull off some nice sequences until Ryder catches Ziggler’s legs and slingshots him to the turnbuckle, followed by a clothesline to the outside. Ryder follows up with a plancha to hit Ziggler and lands on his feet. WWW! He slams Ziggler’s face into the apron then they battle on there. Ziggler hits a DDT on the apron and rolls in. Ryder almost gets counted out. Ziggler hits a neckbreaker then SHOWS OFF with eight consecutive elbow drops. He hits another elbow drop, this time to the back of Ryder’s head, and gets two. Ziggler gets Ryder in a headlock as LET’S GO RYDER WOO WOO WOO chants fill the arena. Ziggler takes Ryder down and gets two. Ziggler hits an ANGLE SLAM for two. Ziggler drags Ryder up the top rope, but Ryder socks Ziggler and hits a Missile Dropkick for two. Ziggler rushes Ryder, but runs into an elbow TWICE and telegraphs a facebuster. Ryder hits a flying forearm on the corner and BROSKI BOOT. COVER, but Vickie puts Dolph’s leg on the ropes BUT THE REF CAUGHT HER AND SHE GETS EJECTED! VICKIE IS INCENSED. Rollup by Ryder gets two, countered into a rollup of his own by Dolph assisted by the ropes but Ryder manages to kick out. Dolph rolls out to the apron and hangs Ryder up on the ropes. Ziggler goes for the Fameasser but Ryder counters into a rollup for two. Ziggler gets the Fameasser for two. Ziggler goes for the sleeper hold but Ryder gets the ropes and throws him off immediately, but DROPKICK OUT OF NOWHERE BY ZIGGLER gets TWO. Ziggler goes up top but gets interrupted by Ryder. HURRICANRANA by Ryder gets two. Ryder calls for the Rough Ryder but Ziggler with SNAKE EYES into the Turnbuckle, rolls up with tights and GETS TWOOOO. Ziggler runs into Ryder’s KNEES and ROUGH RYDER GETS IT! RYDER WINS THE BELT! RYDER WINS THE BELT! WWWYKI! I’M BROING OUT, MARK! RYDER’S DAD AND THE BIG O ARE CELEBRATING IN THE CROWD! COLE LOOKS LIKE HE’S ABOUT TO CRY! ZACK AND BIG O ARE HUGGING ZACK! THE BROHOOD DREAM HAS COME TRUE!
Backstage, Booker T is attacked by Cody Rhodes while he’s talking to Alicia Fox. Dat’s not cool, dawg.
Next up, AirBoom are back from suspension to defend against Primo and Epico, the new Colons. Dat Rosa dance. Epico and Bourne start off as a lone smark chants for Carlito. Quick rollup by Epico is answered by a rollup by Bourne. They tie up and Epico eats a Sunset Flip by Bourne for one. Epico tries a snapmare, but Bourne lands on his feet and tries a kick. Epico dodges and eats a headscissors by Bourne. Bourne tags in Kofi and double leapfrog into a dropkick by Kofi gets two. Epico tags Primo in and they eat a double dropkick from Kofi. Primo tries to monkey flip Kofi, but Kofi lands on his feet and delivers a monkey flip of his own for two. Kofi tags Evan in and hit an assisted headscissors for two. Primo hits a back kick and tags Epico in, and they catch Evan’s flying crossbody and they toss him out of the ring through the second rope. Nice. Primo throws Bourne back in and Epico gets two. Epico tags Primo in and they vault out and in the ring respectively and frequent tags by the cousins ground Bourne. Primo hooks Bourne’s leg up and gets two. Bourne fights out of Primo’s headlock and almost reaches Kofi, but Primo carries him to his corner. Primo tags Epico in and irish whips Evan into Epico’s dropkick which gets two. Epico hits a beautiful (epic?) double backdrop into a German for two. Epico mocks Kofi’s BOOM taunt and I’m sold on him immediately. Epico calls for and gets a Gory Special, but Bourne sunset flips through for for two. He hits the KNEES and gets the tag (and so does Epico) and Kofi hits him with a leaping clothesline. FLURRY. Boom Drop and Kofi calls for Trouble in Paradise, but Primo ducks out of the way, and Kofi hits a double jumping crossbody from the corner for two until Epico saves it. Epico eats a kick from Bourne and rolls out of the ring. Bourne hits a high crossbody from the top rope to Epico outside, and Kofi hits Trouble in Paradise and that’s IT.
Backstage, Josh Mathews says Booker is being evaluated by the doctors and Cody just walked by with a huge smile on his face.
STILL BACKSTAGE, Teddy Long is wearing a Santa outfit and Hornswoggle is wondering why he’s dressed as an elf. Teddy gives Hornswoggle an Ebonics Rosetta Stone for Christmas. Swoggle responds by pulling Teddy’s Santa beard down and stomping on his foot. Teddy threatens to kick Swoggle right in his Christmas ornament.
Next is a Tables match and oh god Orton is out and I’m bored out of my mind already. Wade can’t save this crap. Fuck this bullshit, LOLORTONWINS with an RKO through the table countering Wade’s splash from the second rope. Well, Wade’s leg hit the table first and it splintered before the RKO, but whatever.
Backstage, the Bellas are on Teddy’s lap and he gives them his number as a present. Swagger makes fun of Teddy and complains about Mark Henry hitting him with a chair. He says he’s a former world champ…and is interrupted by Sheamus, who wishes Teddy and Swagger a Merry Christmas. Swagger calls Sheamus a good, and Sheamus regales us with an old irish tale about how Swagger is an idiot or something. Anyway, Teddy makes this a match. GEE, GUESS WHAT HAPPENS IN THAT ONE.
Anyhoo, here’s Beth Phoenix, followed by the K’s and her dead eyes. Beth offers Kelly the first shot. Kelly doesn’t take it so Beth tries to slap Kelly, who avoids it and slaps Beth. Who…laughs? Beth charges Kelly and Kelly dodges sending Beth to the outside. Kelly faceplants Beth from the apron and hits Beth’s face on the apron a couple of times. Kelly hits a headstand reverse headscisssors submission on the ropes, but gets broken up by the ref. Beth tries a clothesline, but Kelly reverses into a headscissors to the corner. Kelly tries a splash, but Beth catches her and hangs up up on the ropes. Beth stomps a mudhole in Kelly, who screams like a goddamn rape victim once again. Beth gets two then grabs Kelly by the hair and yanks it and her neck through the second rope, then steps on Kelly on the bottom rope. Beth then puts Kelly in a Camel Clutch then uses her hips to attack Kelly’s back. Kelly rolls Beth up for two. Beth gets Kelly up on her shoulders but she fights back and hits a bulldog on Beth and smashes her head on the canvas multiple times while screaming like a goddamn rape victim. Kelly tries a crossbody but Beth catches her and hits a Spinebuster for two. Beth goes up top and tries a legdrop, but Kelly rolls out of the way. Kelly calls for the K2, but Beth counters into the GLAM SLAM but Kelly reverses, which Beth then reverses. Kelly tries a Hurricanrana, but gets caught and Beth hits an alley-oop for THREE.
Backstage, Del Rio is angry at Ricardo for not having his car ready. He yells at Ricardo to get him some food. Miz arrives and tells Del Rio that their alliance is dead. Del Rio concurs and they insult each other, with Del Rio saying Miz couldn’t even take on Ricardo. Oh, dem’s fightin’ words. Ricardo arrives with food, which Miz then promptly smashes in Ricardo’s face. Del Rio then pushes Ricardo down.
ROYAL RUMBLE PROMO WITH SANTINO AS A FORTUNE TELLER.
BUT NEVERMIND THAT SHIT, CAN YOU DIG IT, SUCKA? Booker arrives for his match with Cody and CODY ATTACKS FROM BEHIND, ONCE AGAIN. The Refs, the Doctor and a couple Agents (I SEE STEAMBOAT!) check on Booker.
HERE COMES NASH AND ROCKHOUSE. Hey, Nash has new gear. Nash looks up at the Sledgehammer and throws up the Wolfpac/Kliq sign. And here comes Trips. It’s burying time. And apparently, Haitch is still COO. Spotlight fail on Haitch’s spit spot and someone’s getting fired. They brawl for a good while until Haitch clotheslines Nash out of the ring and…is that a gut I see forming on ol’ Haitch? He smashes Nash’s face on the announce table and grabs a ladder, but Nash kicks Haitch right into the ladder. Nash rams the ladder into Haitch’s face. Haitch recovers and hits a flying clothesline off the announce table on Nash. Haitch clotheslines Nash over the barricade. Haitch runs into Nash’s elbow. Nash hits Snake Eyes on the guard rail and then smashes Haitch’s face on the steel steps. Nash tries to send Haitch to the ringpost, but Haitch countered (horribly) and sends Nash into the ringpost instead. Haitch goes for Nash’s leg and throws him in the ring. He then rams the ladder to attack Nash’s leg a few times. What’s this? Haitch puts Nash’s leg through the ladder. He can’t be doing what I think he’s gonna do. OH GOD. HE IS. A FIGURE FOUR THROUGH THE LADDER! DEM QUADS HURTING. Haitch backdrops the ladder onto Nash. Nash manages to irish whip Haitch face first into the ladder and he tumbles out of the ring. Nash wedges a ladder in the turnbuckle and attacks Haitch with elbows on the apron. Nash hits a SIDE SLAM on the ladder then throws him under the wedged ladder. Haitch gets slingshotted face-first into it. Ow. Nash goes to the outside and dismantles the announce tables. Haitch somehow counters Nash’s powerbomb and Nash is thrown over the table. Haitch sets the ladder up and ALMOST gets the Sledgehammer when Nash out of nowhere hammers Haitch’s back. Nash irish whips Haitch into the ladder in the corner and chokeslams Haitch. Nash grabs a table from under the ring. Nash sets it up and tries hitting a powerbomb on Haitch through the table but gets thrown into the ladder. Haitch and Nash both on top of the ladder and the Hammer isn’t in play. Haitch uses the Sledgehammer and swings it in Nash’s face, SENDING NASH THROUGH THE TABLE. Haitch unhooks the Sledgehammer and attacks Nash’s knees with the Sledgehammer. Haitch throws the ladders out of the ring, throws the Sledgehammer away and hits the Pedigree. The crowd chants for one more Pedigree but Haitch gets the Hammer instead. Nash tries to back away and throws up the Wolfpac/Kliq sign, but Haitch DX chops as an answer and hits the Sledgehammer for three. Nash is strapped to the gurney and taken away, mirroring what Nash did to Haitch.
BACKSTAGE, Matt Striker interviews Punk about Miz and Del Rio’s attack. Punk says he saw something more painful than Michael Cole’s commentary, Johnny Ace accepting his Superstar of the Year award. Speak of the devil, he says Punk’s slammy is in the mail. Ace wishes him luck, and Punk says luck’s for losers.
AND HERE COMES JACK SWAGGER, about to job to Sheamus. Yeah, why do we have a squash on a PPV again? Won’t even bother recapping this, Sheamus wins with the Brogue Kick.
Backstage, Josh Mathews interviews Show and I’m bored. Generic face promo 101, plus Chairs.
Show comes out and I still don’t care about this feud. Henry arrives and we get big match intro from Lilian. Show goes outside and tosses a dozen chairs in and Mark tries walking away. He asks for his title and says “this ain’t happening”. Show chases after him and hits Henry with a chair. Henry’s angry and headbutts Show and waffles him with a chair on the steel steps. Henry attacks Show’s right hand, effectively killing the WMD. Henry continues attacking Show with a chair swatting down his offense. Henry stomps on the injured hand as he stacks some chairs up in the middle. Show HITS THE WMD and Henry is OUT. Uhh…it’s over. Show won WITH A BROKEN FREAKIN’ HAND. Henry attacks Show with the chair anyway and DDTs SHOW ON THE CHAIRS.
OH SHIT DANIEL BRYAN’S MUSIC! HE’S CASHING IN!
BRYAN PINS SHOW! IT’S OVER!
DANIEL BRYAN IS YOUR NEEEEEEWWWWWW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION!
He rubs it in Cole’s face! NICE. Show’s in the ring looking incredulous. Bryan looks at the camera and thanks the fans who have supported him for these past 12 years, and he celebrates with the crowd. King FORCES Cole to call the replay. Show just smiles, looking like he can’t believe it and walks up the ramp as Bryan continues celebrating with the crowd. He walks to the back as the crowd roars in approval.
Backstage, Josh Mathews interviews Booker T, who still wants to compete for the Intercontinental Championship even after two attacks by Cody Rhodes.
Cody comes out first, all smiles. AND WE ARE GOING TO DIG IT AGAIN SUCKAAAAAA. Booker comes out and HE ANGRY. Booker’s attacking Cody with his signature stuff immediately. The crowd’s chanting YOU’VE STILL GOT IT. Booker tosses Cody out of the ring and chops him to hell. Cody finally gets some offense when he gets Booker on the apron with a forearm. Cody grounds booker with a full nelson. Booker breaks out of it and DOUBLE CLOTHESLINE. They get up before a 10 count and BOO YAY punch sequence until Cody goes for an irish whip. Booker counters with USUAL BOOKER FLURRY. Booker SPINAROONIES but he looks woozy, selling the attack to the head in the second attack. He goes for the Scissors Kick, but Cody hits a Beautiful Disaster for two. Another Beautiful Disaster ends it.
Recap of Ryder winning the US Title, and Bryan winning the WHC. Ricardo, looking worse for wear, professionally introduces EL PATRON who didn’t arrive in a swanky car tonight. Miz is next, followed by IT’S TIME FOR CLOBBERING.
Punk attacks Miz first, but Miz and Del Rio team up on Punk fast. Punk battles out, but runs into Miz’s boot. Punk and Del Rio continue teaming up and double suplex Punk. They stomp on Punk then both of them leave the ring to get ladders. But Miz was just faking and tries running in the ring. Ricardo distracts him long enough for Del Rio to attack him with a chair. Del Rio grabs a ladder and PUNKOUTOFNOWHERE Suicide Dives into Del Rio, smashing the ladder into EL PATRON. Punk then throws Miz in and grabs a chair, but Miz has recovered enough and attacks Punk with STOMPS. He sets up Punk in the corner and USES THE CHAIR TO JUMP AT PUNK but Punk moves out of the way and Miz eats turnbuckle. Punk sets the chair up for KNEE! BULLDOG ON THE CHAIR…but NO! MIZ COUNTERS INTO A BACKDROP ON THE CHAIR! FUCKING OW! Miz rolls out to get a ladder but Del Rio runs in and TOSSES MIZ INTO THE LADDER. Del Rio tries to get the Ladder in the ring, but Punk tries baseball sliding. Del Rio raises the ladder, tries hitting Punk with it, but Punk kicks the ladder into ADR’s face. Punk then tosses Del Rio to the barricade. Punk sets the table up and threatens to suplex ADR into it, but Del Rio reverses it into a German attempt. Punk reverses THAT into a Neckbreaker…and RUNS INTO A CHAIR TO THE GUT FROM MIZ. Miz tries Waffling Punk with the chair, but hits the Ringpost instead. Punk punishes Miz with Chair shots to the back. Punk sits Miz up on the barricade and sets the back of the chair up against Miz’s leg. Punk uses the chair as a stepping stone to KNEE MIZ OVER THE GUARD RAIL. Punk then gets the ladder in the ring and climbs it. But RICARDO HAS HIS ARM! RICARDO HANCDUFFS PUNK TO THE LADDER! ARD RUNS IN AND SUPERKICKS PUNK! Del Rio continues beating Punk up and climbs the ladder but Punk BREAKS THE SAFETY STRUT OF THE LADDER AND GETS HIMSELF FREE. The Ladder is pushed down and Punk uses the Handcuffs as a weapon! Punk sets the ladder against the rope and FLAPJACKS DEL RIO ONTO IT. From behind, Miz has another ladder as Punk gets out to grab another Ladder. He sees Lawler pointing to Miz and goes after him, but Miz hits Punk in the ribs with the ladder instead. Miz climbs but Punk grabs in and GTS POSITION but Miz fights out of it to the corner. Punk tosses Miz, but Miz hangs on the apron. Punk gets Miz up for a Superplex position and threatens to put Miz through the table, but ADR IS HERE and ENZIFUCKINGGUIRI TO PUNK ON THE TOP ROPE. PUNK FALLS THROUGH THE TABLE! DEL RIO GOES AFTER MIZ and tosses him to the table near the entranceway. Del Rio brutalizes Miz on the entranceway and USES THE LADDER TO PUT THE CROSS ARM BREAKER ON MIZ. Ricardo reminds Del Rio that Punk is down and he grabs a couple of chairs. He hits Punk with one of the chairs, puts the chair around Punk’s arm and CROSS ARM BREAKER THROUGH THE CHAIR! Del Rio climbs the ladder but PUNK AND MIZ ARE IN THE RING CRAWLING WITH ONE ARM EACH! They use their good arms to PUSH THE LADDER and Del Rio gets hung up on the ropes and finally falls down to the floor! Punk and Miz are on their knees and hammer each other with their good arms. They fight their way to their feet and DOUBLE CLOTHESLINE! OH BUT WHAT’S THIS? Ricardo’s climbing the ladder! DO IT, KID! MAKE YOURSELF FAMOUS! PUNKA ND MIZ TIP THE LADDER OVER AND RICARDO GOES THROUGH A TABLE ON THE OUTISDE. HOLY SHIT, HE’S BROKEN IN HALF. Fecal chants fill the arena and Ricardo just got the spot of the night. Miz and Punk recover and Punk tries a GTS. Miz wriggles out of it and tries a Skull Crushing finale, but Punk drives Miz back into the turnbuckles. Punk threatens a shoulderblock, but Miz moves and eats Ringpost instead. MIZ TAKES ADVANTAGE OF THIS AND HANDCUFFS MIZ TO THE MIDDLE TURNBUCKLE! Punk looks scared as he’s effectively lost his title. Miz stares him down smiling and taunts him right out of arm’s reach. BUT NOT KICK’S REACH, and Punk KICKS THE SHIT OUT OF THE BACK OF MIZ’S HEAD AND TIMBEEEEEEEERRRRRRR. But Punk’s still trapped. Punk then hurriedly dismantles the turnbuckle as Del Rio throws another ladder in the ring. He’s unscrewing the turnbuckle as Del Rio’s setting up his ladder. Miz is waking up and sets up HIS ladder. Miz and Del Rio climb the ladders but PUNK HAS UNSCREWED THE TURNBUCKLE AND GETS FREE AS THE CROWD GOES FUCKING NUTS! Punk climbs the smaller ladder Del Rio brought in and punches the shit out of Miz and Del Rio and Punk manages to slam Miz’s head onto the ladder. Punk goes to the other ladder while Del Rio’s trying to get the belt and PUNK KICKS DEL RIO’S HEAD OFF AND DOWN HE GOES. Miz grabs Punk’s leg and pulls him down. Miz scrambles up the ladder but Punk yanks him down and GTS! GOODNIGHT MIZ! PUNK SCRAMBLES UP THE LADDER AND RETAINS HIS TITLE! Holy shit, that was a great match. Punk poses on top of the ladder as we end this PPV.
Final Thoughts: What a show.
Ryder finally wins the US Championship and Ziggler can move on to the main event…I hope.
The Tag Title match was actually pretty entertaining. The New Colons hung with the Tag Champs and looked good doing it.
Orton’s win is just there because Cena isn’t on the card. Meh.
Beth actually pulled a semi-good match out of Kelly. I’m impressed.
Nash and Haitch put on a pretty good brawl. Much better than the trainwreck I expected.
The Show/Henry match was ridiculously short due to Henry’s injury, but Daniel Bryan’s title win made it worthwhile. I can’t wait for either Show or Bryan to turn heel. Either way would be good to build up till Wrestlemania.
Cody/Booker was pretty much built on Cody attacking Booker. Nice, logical finish with Booker getting woozy after the attacks to the head and the Spinaroonie.
And what a main event. Punk, Miz and Del Rio pulled out all the stops. Hell, even Ricardo, who took that insane bump through the table. Punk being smart and dismantling the turnbuckle was a clever twist to the handcuff scenario and Punk winning didn’t weaken Del Rio or Miz.
All in all a great night for wrestling. Probably my favorite PPV of 2011 aside from MitB.
Monday, December 12, 2011
LAST WEEK: WWE scrambles to get the Internet community to like John Cena by giving the Internet a BRO-TASTIC RAW.
THIS WEEK: The Envelope please…
Yep, immediately. “TELL ME I DID NOT JUST SEE THAT” Moment of the Year Slammy is going to be presented by Booker T and Hornswoggle. And for some reason, Hornswoggle has a fake Afro on. The Nominees are:
JR Dancing, Santino becomes the Royal Rumble Runner-Up, Little Jimmy tosses water in Truth’s Face and Miz in a Rocky Skullcap.
The winner is: JIM ROSS! Boomer Sooner blares and accepts the Slammy. JR thanks the fans and never thought he’d get the Slammy for getting jiggy with it. And Cole gets in the ring and gets jealous and says this is a sham. Booker calls Cole a loser and bets tonight, JR can beat Cole in a rap-off. Oh boy.
JR, Booker and Swoggle walk to the ring to Boomer Sooner. Booker suggests Cole go first. Oh god, this will be painful. I’m not giving this rap the dignity of being transcribed. Booker says it was the worst rap he’s ever heard. JR doesn’t need music.
Michael Cole is a damn fool, The King beat you like a government mule. Michael Cole has no Talent, So KISS JR’S ASS. JR walks away with the Slammy. Booker stops JR. Oh god, I don’t like where this is going. Booker demonstrates the Spinaroonie and calls for the JR-Roonie. Oh god. Cole’s spazzing at ringside.
BACKSTAGE: MICK FOLEY IS WALKING.
Mick Foley and Ted DiBiase Sr. are presenting the next Slammy RIGHT HERE IN VIRGINIA to present the HOLY SHIT Moment of the Year. The Nominees are:
Sheamus powerbombs Sin Cara into Wellness, ORTONWINSLOL vs. Christian at Extreme Rules, Big Show and Mark Henry implode the ring and Evan Bourne with a SHOORING STAR PRESS TO EVERYONE at Money in the Bank.
The winner is: Big Show and Mark Henry. Show accepts and would like to put the Slammy next to the World Heavyweight Championship. He’s not much of a talker, so he’ll do his talking in the ring. His opponent? Wade Barrett. This won’t end well.
Barrett has a mic and says the award is a tad premature to give Show the award with what he’s going to do to Orton on Sunday. He says he’s coming for the title and WALKS TO THE RING. Show is in control back from the break (and there are Tables, Ladders and Chairs. Outside the ring, Barrett gains control of show after a big boot and positions Show on a table. Barrett goes to the second rope to try to splash Show, but Show recovers and breaks the table in half with his bare hands. Show throws Barrett back in the ring, but Wade has a chair and gets DQed.
Announced for tonight is Mark Henry vs. John Cena.
OH YOU DIDN’T KNOW? THE ROAD DOGG JESSE JAMES HAS ARRIVED. WELCOME TO THE DOGG HOUSE. He’s trying to be PG and presents Pipe Bomb of the year! The Nominees are:
…no nominees, just random funny moments. Some really good ones, like REALLY REILLY JIMMY and a lot of Truth moments, Punk’s sister’s text message, Cena’s Lady Parts and inane Booker T Commentary, and of course, Ice Cream Bars.
And of course, Punk wins. He…brings a mannequin with him wearing a Mullet wig and a Dynamic Dudes t-shirt. He’d like to inappropriately thank Johnny Ace. Hilarious. Oh god. A tribute to John Laurinaitis, set to THE TOUCH.
Old clips of him in the Dynamic Dudes and random stuff of his current GM gimmick. Oh god, this is so funny. LIFETIME ACHEIVEMENT AWARD!
Unfortunately, Ace is in the back watching Point Break and he accepts in Ace’s stead. Oh god, my lungs. Punk, you glorious bastard.
LITA IS BACK (from jail) and she’s presenting the Divalicious Moment Slammy. Nominees:
Nattie with the double Sharpshooter on Layla and Eve, Kelly wins the Diva’s Championship, Kharma debuts and KILLS BITCHES DEAD, and Beth Phoenix with the Super Glam Slam from Survivor Series.
The Winner is LOLKELLYWINS. Ugh. AND PINUP STRONG HAVE ARRIVED. Beth tries stealing the Slammy, but Kelly takes it back. Uh.
Saitino and the Bellas present the OMG Moment of the year. Or as Santino called it, the AAHMG Moment. Nominees:
Triple H tombstones Undertaker, The Rock Rock bottoms Cena, The Walkout and Punk takes the WWE Title at MitB
The Winner: Undertaker kicks out of the Tombstone. Bullshit, the Walkout and Punk Winning at MitB are better moments. Haitch’s music blares and here he is, with the Sledgehammer. He makes a beeline for the ring. He says the real OMG moment was Taker not leaving out of the ring on his own power. Triple H says the Streak came to an end that night because Taker is gone. Haitch plays the attack by Nash on the Titantron. He said Nash should have finished the job. Haitch says the friendship may have been based on lies, but this Sunday, Might makes Right and he will use the Sledgehammer because he is right. He says Nash is done.
Otunga WITH COFFEE MUG and Tony Atlas are presenting the Trending Star of the year. One wonders if Tony Atlas smelled any feet backstage. Oh god, Tony Atlas is laughing while Otunga tries to continue with his introduction. Atlas says he’s laughing at Otunga. The four nominees (Cody Rhodes, Daniel Bryan, Dolph Ziggler and Zack Ryder) will compete in a Fatal Four-Way and at the conclusion of the match, they will announce the winner of the Slammy, who will probably not be the winner of the match.
Zack Ryder arrives first, followed by Cody Rhodes, Daniel Bryan and Ziggler (with Vickie). And my god, this crowd is DEAD. Apparently, the first man to trend worldwide will win the Slammy. Ryder and Bryan clear the ring and SUICIDE DIVES to the outside as we go to break. Bryan and Ryder tie up in the ring. Ryder hits Bryan with KNEES and the Broski Boot. Bryan kicks out at two. Bryan moonsaults out of the corner and DOUBLE CROSSBODY. Ow. Cody runs in and tries pinning both guys but they’re still kicking out. Ziggler and Cody make a pact to attack their rivals. Ziggler tosses Ryder out and Cody and Ziggler show off. They argue for a bit until Bryan tries rolling Bryan up. Ryder gets back in the ring while Bryan and Cody do an insanely awesome pin sequence. Bryan gets tossed out and Cody and Ziggler double team Ryder. Rhodes and Ziggler finally go at it. Cody hits the Alabama Slam for two as we go to break. Back from the break, Ryder gets out of Cody’s Figure Four. Cody runs into Ryder’s knees. HE goes for the Broski Boot, but Ziggler intercepts with a clothesline from the Apron. Ryder rolls Ziggler up, and Ryder gets rolled up by Ryder. And TRIPLE CLOTHESLINE. HOLY SHIT. Cody’s the only one alive after that. Cody hits Beautiful Disaster but Bryan breaks up the three count. Bryan BRUTALIZES Cody and DROPKICK in the corner. Bryan climbs the top rope, but hangs Bryan up. On the other side of the ring, Ryder avoids a Ziggler clothesline and climbs the rope. Ziggler catches him and ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE RING THE SAME THING HAPPENS. Ziggler suplerplexes Ryder and Cody superplexes Bryan. Cody and Ziggler wake up first and slug each other. RYDER HITS ZIGGLER WITH THE ROUGH RYDER OUT OF NOWHERE. AND CODY HITS THE CROSS RHODES ON RYDER AND BRYAN GETS THE LEBELL LOCK ON CODY AND ZIGGLER GETS THE SLEEPER ON BRYAN. Ziggler hits the Zig Zag on Bryan and wins. But who is trending?
Lawler gets in the ring and announces that…ZACK RYDER WINS THE SLAMMY, BRO! WWWYKI! But ZIG ZAG! Dolph steals the Slammy! Are you serious, Bro?
Christian is presenting the Slammy for Game Changer of the Year…in CRUTCHES and NECK BRACE. He’s presenting himself with the courageous moment of the year for showing up with various injuries. And he asks why he’s not nominated for the Game Changer of the Year or Superstar of the Year. THE NOMINEES ARE:
Vince is relieved of his duties, Edge Retires, Nash Returns/Del Rio cashes in and Rocky vs. Cena is announced.
The Winner is: Rock challenges Cena. Cena comes out to the usual boovation as Christian hobbles to the back. Cena says this award isn’t his alone and he introduces Rocky…who of course isn’t there. Oh boy. Well, he is. Via Satellite. Which of course, Rocky isn’t there either. Tonight he’s having fun, and he does the hard sell for Wrestlemania.
Ricardo Rodriguez introduces EL PATRON, driving in in a beautiful 1960 Rolls Royce Silver Cloud 2 series worth $125,000. Miz follows as his tag partner. They’re fighting against Randy Orton and CM Punk (and yes it is time for Clobbering). Punk and Miz start off and Miz tries running away from Punk’s kicks. Punk hits a scoop slam leg drop combo and tags in Orton. Orton hits a suplex for one. Miz hits a kneeling DDT for two then drags Orton to tag in Del Rio. ADR and Miz tag in frequently to keep Orton from Punk. Orton fights out of Miz’s headlock with a back suplex and tags in Punk. Del Rio tags in and eats FLYING CLOTHESLINE for two. Punk hits the Knee/Bulldog combo for two. Punk calls for the GTS. Del Rio fights out of it and distracts the ref while Miz hangs Punk up. Del Rio takes the advantage as we go to break. Punk backslides Miz for two back from the break, but Miz with a sudden clothesline for two. Del Rio tags in and kicks the shit out of Punk. He works the arm but Punk reverses into a neckbreaker. Miz tags in and kkeeps Punk from Orton. Ha, Ricardo’s fanning Alberto with the scarf. Hilarious. Miz misses a boot and Punk gets two. Miz punishes Punk and ADR tags in and hits a jumping arm breaker for two.ADR hammer throws Punk to the comer and springboard kicks his ribs. Miz hits his running clothesline for two. Miz hits his boot and calls for the Skull Crushing Finale, reversed into the GTS position. Miz counters and hits the first part of the reality Check but PUNK HITS A HUGE KICK TO THE SIDE OF MIZ’S HEAD. The crowd is FINALLY alive but Del Rio grabs Punk as WADE BARRETT RUNS IN AND YANKS ORTON OFF THE APRON while Charles Robinson is busy getting ADR back to his corner. Miz tries for another running corner clothesline, but misses and Punk gets Del Rio as well. Punk tries the GTS, but SKULL CRUSHING FINALE finishes Punk off.
Orton runs after Wade as Miz and ADR celebrate in the ring. ADR tells Ricardo to bring in the ladder as they attack Punk with it. Del Rio stomps on the Ladder with Punk underneath and Miz calls for the mic as ADR APPLIES THE CROSS ARM BREAKER THROUGH THE LADDER as Miz taunts Punk. And now I’m sold on the TLC Match.
NEW KANE RESSURECTED PROMO. NEW MASK. I can’t wait.
Vickie Guerrero and GOLDUST are presenting A-Lister of the Year. Goldust says Vickie’s already won for wearing more makeup than him. The Nominees:
Hugh Jackman, The Muppets (if they don’t win this, WE RIOT), Snooki and Cee Lo.
The Winner: Snooki?! WHAT. Well, prerecorded message and says the Slammy is frickin’ awesome. She shouts out Zack Ryder and wishes him luck. WWWYKI!
BACKSTAGE…Josh Mathews interviews Mark Henry about competing tonight against Cena six days before his match with Show. Mark says the title is going nowhere. And Cena embarassed him, so Mark says Cena shouldn’t worry about Wrestlemania, he should worry about getting inducted into the Hall of Pain.
WELP, HERE COMES THE WHITE. Sheamus arrives and Jinder Mahal follows suit. Yeah. This is a squash. Sheamus hits a Brogue Kick and the match doesn’t even start.
Rey Mysterio is presenting Superstar of the Year. The nominees are:
Orton, Miz, Punk, Del Rio, Mark Henry and John Cena.
The winner is…CM PUNK! Awesomesauce. But of course, Punk’s been attacked so Johnny Ace comes out to accept on Punk’s behalf. And he reminds us that he is the EVP of Talent Relations and Interim GM. Also reminds us that Punk is going to defend the belt.
Mark Henry is walking backstage but interrupted by SHE HOLDS THE MYSTERY OF MY ARRIVAL. 1/2/2012. It will be the end of the world as we know it. OH SHIT.
MARK HENRY HAS ARRIVED. Shit just got real. Cena comes out and BOOVATION. Henry’s ankle’s still wrapped up. Henry throws Cena like a ragdoll just before the break. Back from the break, Henry squishes Cena in the corner and gets two. Henry with CHOCOLATE DROP attempt, but Cena rolls out of the way. Cena LEAPFROGS off Henry, goes for a scoop slam, but Henry’s too heavy and squashes Cena. Henry wreches Cena’s neck. Cena backdrops Henry. Cena takes the opportunity to YOU CAN’T SEE ME FIVE KNUCKLE SHUFFLE Mark while he’s down. Cena threatens an Attitude Adjustment but Henry squashes him AGAIN. Henry gets two. Henry corners Cena and puts all his weight on Cena’s throat. Henry goes for a running powerslam, but Cena wriggles out of it. He tries a shoulderblock, but Henry catches him in a BEAR HUG. Cena manages to wrench Henry’s grip, but runs into the WORLD’S STRONGEST SLAM. BUT…
LIGHTS GO OFF.
KANE’S THEME REMIXED! OH SHIT! OH SHIT! HE HAS A NEW MASK ON. AND A NEW COSTUME ON. OH MY GOD I’M MARKING MY BALLS OFF. Kane CHOKESLAMS THE SHIT OUT OF CENA. PYRO! Kane takes off the Hockey-esque mask to reveal the half-mask and HAIR. OH SHIT.
Final Thoughts: They always end these three-hour shows with a bang. This one doesn’t disappoint.
Enough of Cole. I’m sick of him.
Wade/Show was just an advertisement for their matches at TLC.
The Tribute to Johnny Ace was GLORIOUS. I hope they put that up soon.
Ziggler/Bryan/Cody/Ryder was the best match of the night. For a half-second there, I thought Bryan would win, but alas.
Orton/Punk vs. Miz/ADR was pretty good, but formulaic.
And then there was the Henry/Cena match. But who cares about the match, KANE. With HAIR. And MASK. And Noose-inspired costume. Oh god, I’m marking out.
The Slammy crap was worth it just for Kane killing Cena.
Friday, December 9, 2011
Justice League International #4 – So, the villain of our first arc is called Peraxxus. Very 90’s DC. Although I expected a new, more New52ish design for Manga Khan. Alas. Guy Gardner fights him while the entire team has been captured. Peraxxus teleports the entire team underground and Godiva’s still a whore while using her hair to look for Batman’s Laser. Peraxxus is a miner who wants to break Earth apart to take its minerals. That’s when Godiva stops molesting Batman and frees the team with the laser…and they’re too late as Peraxxus starts the fragmentation process. Well, that’s that.
Red Lanterns #4 – So, after getting memories of Bleez telling Skallox, Ratchet and Zilius to “Kill Atrocitus. We Must”. So, Atrocitus throws the three into the sea of blood for them to relive their memories and they ask for clemency and gain some level of intelligence. Atrocitus still distrusts Bleez and goes to speak to Krona’s Corpse…which has now mysteriously disappeared. Also, the subplot of Earth’s Red Lantern continues.
Defenders #1 – When last we saw the Defenders, they were She-Hulk, Krang, Damion Hellstrom and Nighthawk. Supposedly their mini would lead into something huge, but it never panned out. Here, Nul, the Asgardian being who possessed Hulk, is free from the Hammer and causing much chaos. Dr. Strange recounts Hulk visiting him, needing help. Strange and Hulk seek out Namor and the Surfer. Hulk says he can’t fight Nul because he can’t risk merging with it again. He recommends Red She-Hulk. Once they convince her, they enlist Iron Fist’s help. Nul is heading for Wundagore Mountain and that’s never good news. And yep, Iron Fist’s plane blows up and Prester John and the Ani-Men appear. Uh-oh.
X-Factor #228 – So, uhh…Peter David just killed Madrox last issue. Well, BLOODBATH did, but we really know who did it. And he’s been pwning our merry team pretty hard. Except he jumps in Jamie Madrox’s dead body and Layla performs an exorcism taught to her by Doom. But it’s too late, because she can’t bring Jamie back to life. Why? HE’S IN THE FUTURE~
Pick of the Week:Amazing Spider-Man #675 – Carlie and Peter (as SPIDER-MAN) break into the Morgue so Carlie can examine the Vulture Gang’s victims. Speaking of the Vulture Gang, Adrian Toomes and the gang plan a mid-air heist of a valuable coin collection. Too bad their hideout is a nightclub where Mary Jane is in. Carlie and Peter do some good detective work and links the three victims to a nightclub. Peter gets MJ’s call and confirms the nightclub’s name as the Wake, as in Wake of Vultures. Spidey heroes off and Carlie follows him on foot. Spidey saves one of the Vultures who pocketed two coins from the heist and heeeeeeeere we go. Spidey, with Carlie’s help, brings down the Vulture Gang with magnetic webs. Toomes gets away and Carlie starts to talk to MJ. Exes talk. Oh boy. this does not bode well for Pete.
Monday, December 5, 2011
LAST WEEK: Punk Retains! JoMo leaves! WWWYKI!
THIS WEEK: Cena arrives to a chorus of MIXED REACTION. Cena recaps the Piper’s Pit segment from last week, telling the audience that’s exactly how Piper’s feeling. Cena does the usual crowd ass-kissing, and says the crowd has earned the right to boo him or cheer him. Cena says he’s been dealing with those reactions for years, but the biggest deal was the slap. Not the one Piper gave him, it was the slap of the ref for three of Punk successfully defending against Del Rio, and interjects himself as a number one contender, because Cena/Rock may be big, but Cena/Rock for the championship would be bigger. DEL RIO INTERRUPTS and says that the championship match is his. He reminds Cena that Ace said that if Punk DQ’s himself, Del Rio would win. Del Rio shows us the Exposed Turnbuckle GTS on the Titantron, and claims Punk cheated on purpose. It’s not his fault the Ref didn’t see it and he should be Champ right now. BUT EXCUSE ME, Vickie has arrived with Dolph Ziggler. She says neither one of them deserve a championship match. But Ziggler does. Ziggler says he beat Orton last week on Raw, and is the current longest-reigning champion. He claims he’ll be both US and WWE Champ and he puts on the best matches each week on purpose. Cena says Show-Off isn’t exactly what Ziggler is, but he came up with something else: Jerk-Off, but Ziggler counters that he can back it up any night. Cena says Ziggler claims to back his skills up, but he refuses to defend the US Championship against someone who deserves it: Zack Ryder. And the crowd goes WOO WOO WOO. Ziggler says the title shot goes to WAIT HERE COMES THE MIZ. And he asks the obvious question: Really. He has some news: THE SLAMMYS ARE NEXT WEEK, He had a title reign longer than a month (looking at Alberto), and he doesn’t need Vickie Guerrero to get a reaction (looking at Ziggler). Miz claims he’s going to be 2011’s Superstar Of The Year and next WWE Champion.
BUT HERE COMES JOHNNY ACE and yes he is still Executive VP of Talent Relations and Interim GM of Monday Night Raw. He says he’s been falsely accused by CM Punk of being a boring corporate figurehead incapable of making decisions creatively. And he’ll shatter that perception NIGHT NOW. Each of the four guys in the ring will face a Smackdown guy and whoever wins joins the WWE Championship match at TLC. AND there will be a contract signing with Punk! Cena, though, is the exception. Ace calls it the “Social Experiment” and tells Cena to see him in his office to find out who he’ll face. Miz’s match is next, and it’s against RANDY ORTON. And the smile leaves Miz’s face.
Miz and Orton lock up and takes Miz down early. Miz kicks Orton’s knee and attacks Orton mercilessly. Orton reverses and gains the advantage. Clothesline brings Miz down and Orton attacks Miz’s joints. Miz telegraphs and takes advantage of Orton. Miz headlocks Orton and Orton tries rallying but REALITY CHECK gets Miz two. Orton counters Miz’s headlock into a backdrop. Miz tries his corner clothesline but FIVE MOVES. CLOTHESLINE CLOTHESLINE SCOOP SLAM DDT…GETS INTERRUPTED by a Backdrop! BUT MIZ GETS SCOOP SLAMMED ON THE FLOOR BUT HERE COMES WADE! And he walks slowly toward Orton. Orton gives chase and MIZ WINS VIA COUNTOUT. Wade Barrett, you glorious bastard. Miz gets into the match! BUT ORTON IS ANGRY and goes for Miz, but Barrett hits Orton from behind!
WWE Network’s video shows off WWE’s brilliant editing team. I’m pumped. Zack Ryder is backstage with Johnny Ace! And Ace is saying Ziggler is complaining that an online petition does no grant title shots…and Ace agrees. But here comes Cena in full Broski regalia (headband/Wig, Sunglasses) and asks what the Social Experiment is. Ace is going to put Cena in a match against a very popular superstar…Zack Ryder?! What a tweest. Zack and Cena refuse, but Ace sweetens the pot: If Zack wins, he’ll get a US Title shot against Ziggler. AWKWARD BROSKI LOOKS. OTUNGA IS BACKSTAGE and talking to…Kevin Nash! A Sledgehammer Ladder match is signed. A Sledgehammer will be hanging above the ring and whoever gets it first can use it until the match ends. Nash also has a match tonight. I like Otunga being Laurinaitis’ gofer.
EL PATRON ARRIVES in a beautiful red 2012 Maserati Grand Turismo worth $160,000. And his opponent? DANIEL BRYAN. This will be so good. Bryan’s ribs are taped up after that top rope World’s Strongest Slam from last week. Also shut up, Cole. Del Rio immediately goes after the ribs. Hammer Throw to the turnbuckle hits Bryan hard, but Bryan counters with a moonsault flip and some kicks. Bryan gets a guillotine in before being thrown into the ropes. Del Rio puts Bryan in the Cross Arm Breaker and Bryan taps quick.
Backstage, ALICIA FOX, KELLY KELLY AND EVE WALK. IT’s just Eve and Kelly against Beth and Nattie. a Pinup Strong video plays but INTERRUPTED BY MYSTERIOUS PROMO ABOUT JANUARY 2, 2012 about a “prophet” emerging to destroy the weak. And it says LOOK WITHIN…and the Pinup Strong promo continues. Odd. Double Russian Leg Sweep brings Kelly down. Beth scoop slams Kelly and puts her in a headlock. And…uhh…Kelly rolls Beth up randomly. Yeah. What.
WWWYKI! Zack Ryder arrives and he’s filming for Z!TLIS. He awaits Cena, who arrives to another mixed reaction. Cena and Ryder shake hands as the match starts. They tie up and they’re actually chain wrestling. They rin the ropes and Ryder hits a flying elbow on Cena. Another rope sequence, Cena gets a hiptoss on Ryder and headlocks him. Ryder rolls Cena over and gets a FLAPJACK for one. Back on a headlock, Cena tries for an AA but Ryder fights out of it and puts on a headlock. Cena gets out of it with his strength, but Ryder telegraphed the irish whip into a neckbreaker. Cena backdrops Ryder, but KNEES TO THE FACE, MISSILE DROPKICK and gets two. Ryder climbs up top, but Cena intercepts with an AA position. Ryder counters into a TORNADO DDT and gets TWOOOOOOOO. Ryder calls for the Rough Ryder, but Cena ducks and SHOULDERBLOCK SHOULDERBLOCK PROTOBOMB YOU CAN’T SEE ME FIVE KNUCKLE SHUFFLE AA position Ryder gets out of it, Cena‘s head hits the turnbuckle and RYDER HITS THE BROSKI BOOT. WWW! Ryder calls for the Rough Ryder again, but Cena catches him with the AA and that’s it. Cena helps Ryder up, but Ryder goes ARE YOU SERIOUS BRO and TENSION MOUNTS. Cena gets out of the ring to talk to Ace.
BACKSTAGE, Cena tells Ace to listen to the people. He tells Ace that Zack worked his ass off and he deserves a US title shot. Ace says there’s one condition: For Zack to get another shot at the US Title, Cena should give up his newly-won title shot. Cena says he’s a ten-time champion and he worked his ass off. Ryder worked HIS ass off as well and Cena gives his title shot up. Ryder’s got a match next. If he wins, he gets a title shot.
NEW KANE RESURRECTED PROMO and I am EXCITED. He…he’s putting the mask back on. Oh god. I am marking my balls off.
IN THE RING, Ryder’s match will be No Countouts and No DQ. And his opponent is…Mark Henry. Oh shit. Are you fucking serious, Bro? Henry’s still got a bandaged ankle. Henry brings Zack down and manhandles him pretty quickly. Henry vice grips Zack’s shoulder, but ZACK STEPS ON HENRY’S FOOT and tries a rally, but ELBOW TO THE FACE. Henry throws Zack around. ZACK KCISK HENRY IN THE FACE and ANKLE TO THE TURNBUCKLE. BROSKI BOOT! Henry throws Ryder out! CENA ARRIVES and Henry blocks the Rough Ryder. CENA RUNS IN! NO DQ! ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT ON HENRY! CENA DRAGS RYDER ON TOP OF HENRY! THAT’S IT! HE HAS HIS SHOT, BRO! Cena raises Ryder’s hand!
BACKSTAGE! Vickie can’t reverse the Ref’s decision because it was no DQ. Ace DID tell her who Ziggler’s opponent is: SHEAMUS. Swagger offers his services, but Ziggler refuses. NEXT: NASH IS WALKING BACKSTAGE. Be careful of your Quad, Kev.
Nash arrives with a SLEDGEHAMMER and wait, is that his TNA gear? HA. He puts the Sledgehammer on the announce table. And his opponent? Uh oh, it’s Santino. And he threatens Kev with the Cobra. Yeah, this is a squash. Sidewalk slam gets Kev two. Kev boots Santino’s face off, pulls the straps down and POWERBOMBS SANTINO. That’s IT. He grabs the Sledgehammer and…wait, he isn’t going to beat Santino up with it, is he? Santino’s begging off but Kev simply poses with it and walks away.
BACKSTAGE, Punk is talking with Evan Bourne (probably not about synthetic marijuana). HERE COMES ZIGGLER WITH HIS CRAPPY NEW (old?) THEME! AND HERE COMES SHEAMUS WITHOUT SKIN PIGMENT! Ziggler avoids Sheamus’ offense at first but they finally lock up and Sheamus pours on the pressure with a hard headlock and forearm plant. Sheamus hits a shoulderblock, but Ziggler hits a dropkick for one. Ziggler drags Sheamus to the corner ans slaps him but SHEAMUS ANSWERS with a forearm. Sheamus hits the Chest Punches on the reps, snap suplex and gets two. Sheamus eats a European uppercut and a neckbreaker and TWO. Ziggler continues putting pressure on Sheamus and gets a headlock on. Sheamus tosses him off and Ziggler counters with a FAMEASSER for two. Ziggler puts a headlock on Sheamus, who hits a throwaway slam. ACHE HANDLE AXE HANDLE AXE HANDLE. HEADBUTTS IN THE CORNER. CLOTHESLINE. Sheamus calls for the Celtic Cross, but Ziggler gets out of it and tosses Sheamus into the ring post. BUT ZACK RYDER ARRIVES TO DISTRACT DOLPH. He runs to the ring but stops before getting in and BROGUE KICK OUT OF NOWHERE GETS THREE!
Back in the ring, ROUGH RYDER ON ZIGGLER. Ryder poses with the US Title and fist pumps with the crowd. WWWYKI! Up Next, Del Rio, Miz and Punk SIGN CONTRACTS~
IN THE RING. MIZ AND DEL RIO ARE IN SUITS. And heeeeeeeeeere’s Johnny Ace! Ace says it’s exciting time to be a fan, because of the STILL FORTHCOMING debut of Brodus Clay, The Slammy’s next week and next week’s main event, Mark Henry vs. John Cena. It is Ace’s pleasure to introduce YOOOUR WWE CHAMPION, CM Punk. Without a Suit. Punk doesn’t sit down and just rearranges furniture. Ace asks what he’s doing, and Punk says this is WWE’s biggest cliché, a contract signing. It always, ALWAYS ends in a Pier 6 Brawl (which he hopes will trend tonight) and since Ace is devoid of Charisma, Punk wants a peaceful contract signing for the first time since Wrestlemania 3. Ace can be Jack Tunney, they can just sign the contract and they can all fight. Ace calls himself Mr. Excitement (oh lord) and since he IS Mr. Excitement, it won’t be a normal Triple Threat. It’s going to be a Triple Threat TLC Match. Punk says he’s OK with that. Miz says he took JoMo and Truth out. Like on a date, Punk asks. Based on his fauxhawk and prima-donna attitude, he must have taken them out to the new Twilight movie. NOT THAT THERE’S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT. Punk, you glorious bastard. Miz says he injured JoMo so bad, Ace released him, which is the cue for Ace to wish JoMo all the best in his future endeavors. My god, Ace has been funny the past few weeks. Miz says he doesn’t regret it. Those two were once his friends, imagine what he’ll do to Punk and Del Rio, both of whom he doesn’t like. With Tables, Ladders and Chairs, he’ll take the title back. Punk says he agrees with one thing Miz said: they don’t like each other. Punk says he doesn’t concern himself with hanging out in Hollywood and TMZ, he concerns himself at being the best wrestler in the world. Del Rio says the both of them are crying like little girls. He says HE is the best in the world. This year, he won everything: Royal Rumble, MitB, and the WWE Championship and there’s nothing anyone can do about it. You know why? asks ADR. Punk interrupts and says if ADR says it is his Destiny, he swears to Jebus that he’ll start drinking. GLORIOUS. Miz has had enough. Him an Del Rio aren’t friends and at TLC they’ll tear each other apart. But one thing they can agree on, no matter what happens, Punk isn’t walking out the WWE Champion. Miz signs the contract. Del Rio agrees and signs as well. Punk signs and the Triple Threat TLC Match is ON. Ace wishes them good luck and he’s looking forward to the match. He calls for a WWE.com photographer to take a picture for the front page. Punk scoffs at this and says contract signings are supposed to end in brawls. He says if you want anything done right, you have to do it yourself and CLOCKS MIZ WITH THE MIC. Del Rio and Punk brawl in the ring, but Ricardo is the X-Factor and Del Rio takes advantage of Punk. Del Rio sets up the table and calls for a powerbomb, but Miz from behind gets Del Rio in the Skull Crushing Finale position, but PUNKOUTOFNOWHERE hits Del Rio in the corner and BULLDOGS HIM THROUGH THE TABLE. Miz eats a GTS and Punk poses in the ring. Nice.
Final Thoughts: I like Cena NOT being in the title picture. I did like the stips of the contenders fighting top Smackdown guys. The Miz/Orton match was pretty good and it furthered the Orton/Barrett feud.
The Bryan/Del Rio match could have been amazing, but they had to sell Bryan’s injuries.
The Divas segment was just…there. At least the 1/2/2012 teaser looked goooooood.
I liked the Cena/Ryder match, especially Ryder’s reaction at the end. And the whole Cena being selfless to get Ryder a shot was handled well, although that still won’t win over the Smarks.
The Ryder/Henry match was tremendous, although I do question the World Heavyweight Champion brought down by one Attitude Adjustment. They could have built up an Attitude Adjustment, THEN a Rough Ryder, but alas. At least Zack has his shot.
Nash/Santino was just a squash. Just shaking Nash’s ring rust off, nothing to see here.
Dolph/Sheamus was a brawl, and it showed Dolph as smart to use different offense against a brawler like Sheamus. Big night for Zack as he had ANOTHER segment here, distracting Dolph and setting up their feud.
The contract signing was ridiculous, and Ace and Punk saved it with their humor. My God, why is Ace FUNNY just playing up his blandness? Anyway, it’s rare to see the face come up on top in a contract signing brawl, except if you’re Cena.