LAST WEEK: ACE SNAPS!
THIS WEEK: We’re promised THE HIGHLIGHT REEL. But before that, HERE COMES CM PUNK. He reminds us of his match on Sunday with Ziggles and describes Ace as: Failure. Punk says Ace sucks at life. Punk said Ace actually told the truth for once and plays Ace snapping from last week. But Punk has an idea, and it involves having two broken arms so it’ll be impossible for Ace to referee. He then invites Ace to tell him to his face that he’ll screw him. And…no Ace. Punk’s gonna go to the back instead, but is interrupted by…Cena? BOOVATION. Punk says he wanted a company man named John, but he expected Ace. Cena says he wants Kane tonight and wants Ace to grant Ryder a rematch and wants Ace to resign. Punk concurs and HERE COMES ACE. Ace says he stands by what he said last week and he won’t be intimidated by either of them. Punk wants Ace to come in the ring, but Ace says no dice. Ryder has Kane tonight in a Falls Count Anywhere match, and if Cena interferes, Ryder won’t ever get a US title rematch. Ace forces Cena and Punk in a tag team match against ZIG-SWAG! Ziggler says Punk should worry about him and not Ace, because he doesn’t need Ace. Swagger’s angry at Cena for the beating he gave him. And it’s OOOOON.
And Ace is sitting in with Lawler and Cole. Cena and Ziggler start off and Cena gets a quick bulldog for two. Punk gets in and he’s wrestling in shorts. THROWBACK! Ziggler counters a Suplex by Punk but Punk gets him in the GTS position and Ziggler wriggles out and rolls out the ring. ACE IS TEXTING as we go to break. Back from break Ziggler shows off and tags Swagger in, takes Swagger down, and mocks Ziggler. And knocks him off the apron. Ha. Swagger takes advantage of the distraction and Ziggler gets in a cheap shot too. Swagger gets Swagger in a RESTHOLD and Cena counters with a back suplex. Swagger tags Ziggler in and hits a dropkick and MULTIELBOW followed by SITUPS and nonchalant cover for two. Ziggler kicks Cena to his corner and distracts the ref for Swagger to kick Cena. Swagger tags in and hits the VADERBOMB For two. Jack gets Cena in a bearhug. Cena hits the Attitude Adjustment out of nowhere and both Swagger and Cena are down. Ziggler tags in and HOT TAG to Punk, FLYING CLOTHESLINE SWINGING NECKBREAKER KNEE BULLDOG COMBO and Punk calls for GTS but Ziggler counters, but Punk with KICK and Swagger breaks up the count. Outside, Cena puts Swagger in the STF, and Punk is about to hit the MACHO ELBOW but ACE DISTRACTION! ZIGGLER ROLLS PUNK UP! IT’S OVER!
Punk grabs the stick and says it’s fine for Ace to screw him on Sunday because he’ll beat Ace anyway. Punk says for one night, Punk challenges Ace to be a WWE Superstar. He wants Ace in the ring. He says he’ll make Ace famous. And Ace…ACCEPTS?! HOLY SHIT.
BACKSTAGE: JERICHO IS HAPPY
LIGHTS OUT. JACKET ON. BREAK THE WALLS DOOOOOOOOWN! And Lawler says Jericho will a) be in the Rumble this sunday and b) will give ANSWERS. Maybe. Jericho stands in the ring with the Highlight Reel set and asks the crowd to be quiet as the boos grow. He goes to the back and grabs the T-Shirt cannon! He asks the crowd if they want the shirt, and plays to the crowd. He grabs the camera and sets the cannon down, shooting the crowd. Finally, he grabs the Mic again and asks for quiet because COUTNDOWN TO THE MILLENNIUM! Jericho plays highlights of his career from his debut to his last match, to his re-debut a few weeks ago. And he asks for quiet again as the boos grow even more. HE FINALLY SPEAKS! “This Sunday at the Royal Rumble, it’s gonna be the end of the world as you know it.” And the lights go out. Jacket on. Aww yeah.
FALLS COUNT ANYWHERE: ZACK VS. KANE. Also announced: Miz vs. Truth! Awesome video package about the Rumble. Backstage, Zack tells Eve he’s OK. FOLEY tells him he can do this, but Eve is still concerned. Cena arrives and Ryder tells Cena to keep out of it. AND HERE HE COMES. And I like to sing with the radio and Zack is in the ring. PYRO and…lights go out. And here’s Kane, with his awesome welder mask. And Ryder looks like he’s about to shit himself. Ryder goes on the attack first and Kane tosses Zack off and kicks him in the ribs. Ryder HOTSHOTS but BOOT TO RYDER sends Ryder flying to the announce table. Kane BRUTALIZES Ryder, slamming his back on to the ring post and scoop slams him. Ryder is then thrown into the ring steps. EVE ARRIVES and Kane drives Ryder into the announce table as we go to break. Back from break, Kane tosses Zack to the barricade, and the apron and back to the barricade. Kane snake-eyes’ Zack to the ring steps for two. Kane tosses Ryder over the barricade through the crowd. Ryder tries to attack Kane with a briefcase which is on CONVENIENTLY PLACES BOXES on the side of the stage. Kane tosses him up the ramp near the WWE Logo and continues kicking Zack’s ribs. Kane slams Ryder’s face on the WWE Logo and continues kicking Zack’s ribs. Ryder’s continuing to kick out. LET’S GO RYDER/WOO WOO WOO Chants, but Zack is out of it. Ryder’s trying to fight back, but a choke thrust ends that offense. Kane CHOKESLAMS ZACK THROUGH THE STAGE and Kane turns his attention to Eve. Uh-oh. But here’s Cena…and Kane runs away through the crowd as Cena and Eve check on Zack. The refs strap him on a board as Cena looks on helpless.
Back from break, Zack is on a stretcher and Cole and Lawler put on their serious voices. They finally wheel him out to the back, Eve and Cena in tow. They load Zack up to the ambulance and LOCAL MEDICAL FACILITY TIME. Eve says it’s all Cena’s fault before getting in the ambulance. Oh boy. Time for HATE CENA. Oh boy, Josh Mathews says John must feel awful about this, but ANGER BUILDS in Cena and tosses Josh’s mic away and ANGERFACE.
After the break, we’re still in Owen Mode as Jinder Mahal gets the Jobber entrance and he’s up against Sheamus. and Wade Barrett shows up to do commentary while Jinder’s being squashed. Yep, Wade’s putting himself over while Sheamus wins with a Brogue Kick. Sheamus dares Wade to go in the ring and Wade teases but backs off. Sheamus gets on the stick and claims he’ll win the Rumble.
BACKSTAGE, Mathews interviews the Miz. Miz reminds us that everyone that crossed him and turned on him became irrelevant. He claims he’s the number one everything. CRAZYTRUTH arrives claiming to be Eric Fleischer of WWE Market Research and according to his data, Miz IS number one…annoying, whining, nincompoop and…uhh…W.E.I.O. Which stands for, whenever people see Miz, they go What Else Is On. Without questions, Miz is WWE’s #1 Jackass. Miz starts on a tirade calling Truth out, but Truth wigs out and continues calling himself Flescher. ACE INTERRUPTS and he’s pissed off about Miz and Truth yammering on about number one this and number one that that he can’t concentrate on getting ready for his match. He books Miz vs. Truth and the loser gets the #1 spot at the Rumble. DON’T MESS WITH ACE! BUT NEXT…IT’S THE FUNKASAURUS!
Back from break, the Brodus intro, REGAL IS CON COMMENTARY and Funk is on an Roll as brodus and the girls arrive. And his opponent is the One Man Squash Band, Heath Slater. Laugh it up, Heath. Yep, HEath eats a shoulderblock, but he kits a dropkick, then Brodus hits the headbutt, SHEEWAHSUPLEX, SPLASH, WHAT THE FUNK, and it’s over. Somebody call Heath’s Momma and Regal espouses his own dancing skills.
The loser of the next match gets the #1 spot in the Rumble. Miz vs. Truth! Truth has a Little Jimmy Says shirt. Hilarious. The two tie up and Miz goes for brutal attack but Truth hits an elbow and Miz takes a breather on the outside. Truth incercepts and throws Truth in. Truth gets beat down by Miz, but Truth takes him down with a Thesz press. Miz spears Truth outside for the break. Back from break, Miz continues to have the advantage an puts Truth in the Octopus stretch. Truth gets out and SHOULDERBLOCK SHOULDERBLOCK JUMPING SUNSET FLIP for two. But Miz gets the Reality Check for two. Miz calls for SCF but Truth rolls him off. Tries for the Little Jimmy but Miz grabs the ropes and Miz DDTs Truth for two. LITTLE JIMMY OUT OF NOWHERE and Truth wins! Miz is #1!
And apparently, Ryder has a broken back, update from LOCAL MEDICAL FACILITY. BACKSTAGE, ACE is in a robe and OTUNGA is there…with a Fax! And Ace doesn’t like what he’s reading! NEXT: PUNK VS. ACE! IT’LL BE GNARLY!
Punk has arrived and IT IS TIME FOR CLOBBERING. But…Ace isn’t coming out, even after being announced three times. And here he is in his Future Endeavored shirt! With Otunga! Ace has some unfortunate news. The fax from the board of directors will be read by Otunga: The Board has become concerned and Ace’s status as Interim GM will be under review. Next week, there will be an evaluation. And the evaluation will be conducted by Triple H…and Punk says this means if Ace screws Punk, he’ll be fired. Ace says he’d like to extend an apology to him and the WWE Universe, and puts Foley in the Rumble. And he claims he’ll call the match on Sunday down the middle. Punk says if Triple H inherits any traits from his Father-In-Law, it’s Vince’s YOU’RE FIRED. Ace says he won’t be able to participate in this match tonight, but Otunga is his substitute. Otunga attacks, but gets put in the ANACONDA VICE which takes him out. Punk stares Ace down, but Otunga attacks again and gets taken down. Ace offers a handshake, which Punk gladly takes and GO TO SLEEP TO ACE. BUT ZIGGLER WITH THE ZIG ZAG FROM OUT OF NOWHERE! Ziggler stands alone!
Final Thoughts: Solid go-home show for the Rumble this year.
The opening segment was very Teddy Long. Ha. Tag match was fun but quick to set up the Ace/Punk match.
JERICHO FINALLY SPEAKS! And really, not all that much! But what he said spoke volumes and I’m excited to see what he has in store at the Rumble.
Kane finally gets his ring-rust off and gives Ryder the Muhammad Hassan treatment and Cena gets ANGRY. And Ryder is Batman, because KANE BROKE HIS BACK.
The less said about Mahal/Sheamus, the better.
Truth/Miz was fun as expected from those two.
The final segment was just a big tease. I really want to see Punk/Ace in a strong-style Japanese match. But it made me want to watch the Rumble, so they accomplished what they needed to.