LAST WEEK: Awesome Truth annoyed Cena so much, he picked THE ROCK to be his partner for Survivor Series…and spat a little in the process.
THIS WEEK: It’s time to play the music. It’s time to light the lights. It’s time to BURN IT TO THE GROUND TONIGHT because the Muppets are guest starring on MONDAY NIGHT RAW. Aww yeah. It’s like it’s my birthday or something.
We start out with…ROCKY’S MUSIC…and there he is, LIVE…via satellite! And he does confirm that he will NOT be Cena’s tag team partner. Fruit Loop Troop. Tremendous. But…Rocky thought about it, and Team Bring It hates Awesome Truth. He’s going to give the people what they want…yep, Rocky’s going to be at Survivor Series. And there’s another reason why: he wants Cena to witness a taste of what he’s going to get at Wrestlemania. He’s still got it, man. He’s still got it.
ANNOUNCED: Cena vs. Miz. BUT RIGHT NOW HERE COMES CM PUNK. And it is time for clobbering. And his opponent for tonight is…oh shit, Mark Henry. They replay the ring implosion from Vengeance. And it is good times. AND HERE COMES JOHNNY ACE, reminding us that Punk will get his title match against Alberto Del Rio if he can beat Henry. Immediately, Henry manhandles punk, tries MMA elbows while piggybacking but gets driven to the canvas for two. Punk tries for kicks but Henry tosses him…but PUINK SKINS THE CAT and FLYING CLOTHESLINE gets Henry down. Punk goes for the Macho Elbow and HITS IT for TWOOOOOO. Del Rio and Ricardo appear and Ricardo assaults Henry to DQ Punk so he doesn’t get his Survivor Series match. SMART BY EL PATRON. But he gets assaulted by Punk, who tosses Ricardo to WORLD’S STRONGEST SLAM. Well. Shit.
Punk chases ADR to the back and Henry steps over Ricardo. Michael Cole Challenge is teased. Ugh. Well anyway, the MUPPETS are next. Aww yeah. AND HERE THEY ARE. At least just Miss Piggy and Kermit. They have their own announce desk…oh god, here comes Vickie and Swaggie. Swagger threatens Kermit and Miss Piggy with eating. Kermit calls Vickie Swagger’s mom and EXCUSE ME war between Miss Piggy and Vickie. Oh god. Santino has arrived and says John Laryngitis (HIS WORDS, NOT MINE) has booked him vs. Swagger for later tonight. Swagger shuts Kermit by the mouth and says he isn’t worried since he’s a former World Champ and Ziggler is in his corner…but Ziggler has a match with ZACK RYDER and OH MY GOD KERMIT AND MISS PIGGY DO WWWKYI. MY HAPPY IS SO MUCH. Kelly arrives in a white pirate outfit and I still don’t care. She kisses Kermit and leaves, with Miss Piggy indignant. Diva’s Halloween Costume Battle Royal is next to apparently determine the #1 contender.
Participating are Eve as Girl-Robin, Rosa as a Cavewoman, AJ as KITANA from Mortal Kombat, Kaitlyn as Dog the Bounty Hunter (TREMENDOUS), Kelly as Pirate, Alicia Fox as a Sailor, The Bella Twins as Mario and Luigi (ALSO TREMENDOUS), Nattie is the QUEEN OF H(E)ARTS, Tamina as Cleopatra and Aksana as Morticia Addams (TRIPLEMENDOUS) and Beth is on commentary as Queen of the Ring. But yeah, the introductions will be longer than the match. Eve wins and the Divas of Doom step in the ring to confront her until Kelly and Alicia make it 3-on-2 as the DoD walk away. Yep, still don’t care.
BACKSTAGE, Beaker and Bunsen Honeydew have created a Muppet Lab Energy Drink to be delivered to Santino, but Christian bumps into him and spills the drink…but behind him is SHEAMUS who is apparently related to Beaker. TREMENDOUS.
AIR BOOM have arrived and they’re gonna fight against Cody Rhodes and Wade Barrett. Kofi gets the upper hand on Rhodes in the early going, hits a pendulum kick, kicks Wade off the apron but KICK brings Kofi off of his springboard. Wade tags in and TILT-A-WHIRL SIDEWALK SLAM gets two. Wade BARE KNUCKLE punches Kofi for two, tags Cody in and BARRAGE on the corner. Cody grounds Kofi (say that five times fast) with a REST HOLD but Kofi PELE KICKS his way out of it. But Cody manages to tag Wade in. They isolate Kofi until the MONKEY FLIP tosses Cody. Evan tags in, WASTELAND countered into DDT. Evan goes for the SSP, but eats a Cody-assisted WASTELAND for Three. Christian arrives to attack Kofi…and here comes Sheamus to FELLATACK, BROGUE KICK on Cody and OH MY GOD RANDOM STATLER AND WALDORF.
BACKSTAGE, JOHNNY ACE IS TEXTING. Punk is behind him and reminds him that Del Rio and Ricardo screwed him out of the match at Survivor Series and asks what else should he do to get the match. Ace tells him he has the match IF Del Rio agrees to it, and says he has some business to deal with. Seems fair enough, says Punk. NEXT UP: Big Show vs. Del Rio. I smell Henry Shenanigans.
NEXT WEEK: Brodus Clay is gonna rape things. THIS WEEK…EL PATRON arrives in a 2004 Porche Carrera ($100,000), and Justin Roberts announces because Ricardo got World’s Strongest Slammed at the beginning of the evening. Big Show arrives. Early on, ADR gets Show in a Sleeper, bringing him down. But Show manages to toss ADR over, catching his breath. Show rams into ADR on the outside, and WORLD’S LOUDEST CHOP to ADR’s chest. ADR moves out of the way of a Show attack and ENZIGUIRI. Back in the ring, Del Rio kicks the shit out of Show’s head, tries for a pin but Del Rio gets tosses out. Del Rio with a facelock on a kneeling Show. DUELING DEL RIO/LET’S GO BIG SHOW chants. Nice. Del Rio keeps a sleeper on but BACK BODY DROP counter. Del Rio and Show slap each other silly on their knees. Show clotheslines ADR out of the ring. After the commercial break, Del Rio has locked Show’s leg in a hold and is punishing the knee with punches. Show TOSSES ADR out of the ring. Nice. ADR goes for the Enziguiri, but Show with the WMD on ADR out of NOWHERE for Three. Wait, what?
HOLD THE FUCK ON, HERE COMES CM PUNK. ADR is OUT COLD. He grabs the mic and a water bottle and gets in the ring. He sits next to an unconscious Del Rio and wakes him up with the water (OH YES) and PUTS HIM IN THE ANACONDA VICE until Del Rio agrees to the match at Survivor Series. HE SAID YES proclaims Punk. Tremendous.
BACKSTAGE, Fozzy and Gonzo run into Vickie, Dolph and Swagger. Genzo gets his arms wrapped around him and warns the Muppets not to interfere in their matches. Our special guest time-keeper is ANIMAL. OH GOD. Here comes Swagger with Vickie. AND HERE COMES SANTINO. Santino gets clotheslined right at the beginning ans Swagger MME ELBOWS Santino’s stomach. Swagger runs into Santino’s boot, but Swagger overpowers him quickly. Santino TOSSES Swagger and the SALUTE HEADBUTT gets two. Swagger tries for an Anklelock, but gets countered and BEAKER GIVES SANTINO THE ENERGY DRINK and SPITS IT ON SWAGGER, rollup and THAT’S IT.
AWW SHUCKY DUCKY, WOO WOO WOO YOU KNOW IT, Ryder has arrived. And so does Dolph. Wait, why does Vickie have to come out with him too and not just stay at ringside? Oh well. Ryder and Ziggler lock up, shoulderblock on Ryder, HIPTOSSES by Ryder but Dolph derails Ryder’s flurry with DROPKICK. Zigger takes advantage, but gets tossed to the ropes and CLOTHESLINE. Ryder with a MISSILE DROPKICK. RYDER PLANCHA to the outside and the Crowd is firmly behind Ryder. Back from Commercial, Ziggler has Ryder in a submission hold and there’s a LET’S GO RYDER/WOO WOO WOO chant going on. NICE. Ziggler hits an elbow to Zack’s back and gets TWO. Neckbreaker and a nice kip-up by Ziggler. Ziggler stalks Ryder, but Ryder counters into a TOSS TO THE CORNER. Ryder with a FLAPJACK on Ziggler and eats a BROSKI BOOT on the corner for two. Ziggler counters with a Jawbreaker, but KNEES gets two and Ziggler gets his foot on the rope. Ziggler runs to the outside, Vickie grabs Ryder’s leg, and Ryder eats a BOOT TO THE FACE. Ziggler calls for Zig Zag, but Zack GRABS THE ROPE and ROUGH RYDER FOR THREE OH MY GOD THIS IS AWESOME. WWWKYI!
Triple H will apparently be out of action for the next five weeks, and Kevin Nash gets re-signed by John Laurinitis. Go, Ace! And…ugh, here’s Cole. Apparently, Jim Ross isn’t here and Cole claims JR has Irritable Bowel Disease and says JR should be here next week. AND HERE’S STATLER AND WALDORF and The only thing worse than listening to Michael Cole is…NOTHING. DOHOHOHO.
Backstage, Miss Piggy is macking on John Morrison. But he has plans, so he pawns Piggy off on Hornswoggle, who gets DICKPUNCHED by Miss Piggy. CODY has arrived and BAGS KERMIT. TREMENDOUS.
HERE COMES THE MIZ. Stalter and Waldorf appear and since Cena’s wrestling Miz, they consider themselves lucky THEY CAN’T SEE IT. DOHOHOHOHO. Here’s Cena with his camouflage jorts. And ugh, damn it, Cena. Stop being boring. Miz hits a nice big boot and starts kicking the shit out of Cena. Oh god, Kids are chanting CENA SUCKS. TREMENDOUS. Miz kicks Cena RIGHT IN THE FACE and hits the Corner Clothesline. Miz goes up top and hits the double axe-handle for two. Knees to Cena’s face and HEADLOCK. Cena gets out and FIVE MOVES OF DOOM. SHOULDERBLOCK SHOULDERBLOCK PROTOBOMB YOU CAN’T SEE ME FIVE KNUCKLE SHUFFLE and Miz counters the AA with a reverse DDT for two. STF attempt countered into REALITY CHECK for TWOOO. Cena with a clothesline turning Miz inside-out for two. Cena goes up top but gets intercepted by Miz. Miz calls for the Superplex but Cena breaks the grip bringing Miz down enough for the TOP ROPE FAMEASSER for two. Cena goes for the AA, but counters it into a DDT for two. Miz stalks Cena but gets tossed to the outside. Cena follows and tosses Miz into the barricade. TRUTH IN A SCREAM MASK grabs Cena from the stands and Miz capitalizes. Skull Crushing Finale attempt countered into the STF and LOLCENAWINS. But TRUTH IN THE SCREAM MASK gets AA’d in the middle of the ring and gets unmasked. Really, with this crap, does Cena even need Rocky?
Final Thoughts: The Muppets were tremendous in their roles tonight. Pretty enjoyable Raw aside from LOLCENAWINS.
Punk/Henry at the beginning was just a setup for the stuff following. Him forcing ADR to agree to the match at Survivor Series was pretty great, even though the ADR/Show match served ADR nothing but look like a chickenshit heel. Which was terrible.
Pretty Meh about the Divas Match (except AJ’s Fan Lift attempt was pretty awesome), and the Air Boom/Cody & Wade match was just there. But it served its purpose and set up at least a 3-on-3 match with Christian and Sheamus at the end. Add two more guys on each side and we have a traditional Survivor Series match.
Swagger/Santino was just pure comedy and Ziggler/Ryder stole the show for me.
Cena/Miz was just useless, especially the LOLCENAWINS finish, and it didn’t elevate Miz and Truth as a threat at all. After that, why does Cena need to team with Rock if he can beat Awesome Truth by himself? Jesus.
At the very least, the Muppets were used very well. Better than what I expected.