WWE Monday Night Raw Supershow, 10/31/2011

LAST WEEK: Awesome Truth annoyed Cena so much, he picked THE ROCK to be his partner for Survivor Series…and spat a little in the process.

THIS WEEK: It’s time to play the music. It’s time to light the lights. It’s time to BURN IT TO THE GROUND TONIGHT because the Muppets are guest starring on MONDAY NIGHT RAW. Aww yeah. It’s like it’s my birthday or something.

We start out with…ROCKY’S MUSIC…and there he is, LIVE…via satellite! And he does confirm that he will NOT be Cena’s tag team partner. Fruit Loop Troop. Tremendous. But…Rocky thought about it, and Team Bring It hates Awesome Truth. He’s going to give the people what they want…yep, Rocky’s going to be at Survivor Series. And there’s another reason why: he wants Cena to witness a taste of what he’s going to get at Wrestlemania. He’s still got it, man. He’s still got it.

ANNOUNCED: Cena vs. Miz. BUT RIGHT NOW HERE COMES CM PUNK. And it is time for clobbering. And his opponent for tonight is…oh shit, Mark Henry. They replay the ring implosion from Vengeance. And it is good times. AND HERE COMES JOHNNY ACE, reminding us that Punk will get his title match against Alberto Del Rio if he can beat Henry. Immediately, Henry manhandles punk, tries MMA elbows while piggybacking but gets driven to the canvas for two. Punk tries for kicks but Henry tosses him…but PUINK SKINS THE CAT and FLYING CLOTHESLINE gets Henry down. Punk goes for the Macho Elbow and HITS IT for TWOOOOOO. Del Rio and Ricardo appear and Ricardo assaults Henry to DQ Punk so he doesn’t get his Survivor Series match. SMART BY EL PATRON. But he gets assaulted by Punk, who tosses Ricardo to WORLD’S STRONGEST SLAM. Well. Shit.

Punk chases ADR to the back and Henry steps over Ricardo. Michael Cole Challenge is teased. Ugh. Well anyway, the MUPPETS are next. Aww yeah. AND HERE THEY ARE. At least just Miss Piggy and Kermit. They have their own announce desk…oh god, here comes Vickie and Swaggie. Swagger threatens Kermit and Miss Piggy with eating. Kermit calls Vickie Swagger’s mom and EXCUSE ME war between Miss Piggy and Vickie. Oh god. Santino has arrived and says John Laryngitis (HIS WORDS, NOT MINE) has booked him vs. Swagger for later tonight. Swagger shuts Kermit by the mouth and says he isn’t worried since he’s a former World Champ and Ziggler is in his corner…but Ziggler has a match with ZACK RYDER and OH MY GOD KERMIT AND MISS PIGGY DO WWWKYI. MY HAPPY IS SO MUCH. Kelly arrives in a white pirate outfit and I still don’t care. She kisses Kermit and leaves, with Miss Piggy indignant. Diva’s Halloween Costume Battle Royal is next to apparently determine the #1 contender.

Participating are Eve as Girl-Robin, Rosa as a Cavewoman, AJ as KITANA from Mortal Kombat, Kaitlyn as Dog the Bounty Hunter (TREMENDOUS), Kelly as Pirate, Alicia Fox as a Sailor, The Bella Twins as Mario and Luigi (ALSO TREMENDOUS), Nattie is the QUEEN OF H(E)ARTS, Tamina as Cleopatra and Aksana as Morticia Addams (TRIPLEMENDOUS) and Beth is on commentary as Queen of the Ring. But yeah, the introductions will be longer than the match. Eve wins and the Divas of Doom step in the ring to confront her until Kelly and Alicia make it 3-on-2 as the DoD walk away. Yep, still don’t care.

BACKSTAGE, Beaker and Bunsen Honeydew have created a Muppet Lab Energy Drink to be delivered to Santino, but Christian bumps into him and spills the drink…but behind him is SHEAMUS who is apparently related to Beaker. TREMENDOUS.

AIR BOOM have arrived and they’re gonna fight against Cody Rhodes and Wade Barrett. Kofi gets the upper hand on Rhodes in the early going, hits a pendulum kick, kicks Wade off the apron but KICK brings Kofi off of his springboard. Wade tags in and TILT-A-WHIRL SIDEWALK SLAM gets two. Wade BARE KNUCKLE punches Kofi for two, tags Cody in and BARRAGE on the corner. Cody grounds Kofi (say that five times fast) with a REST HOLD but Kofi PELE KICKS his way out of it. But Cody manages to tag Wade in. They isolate Kofi until the MONKEY FLIP tosses Cody. Evan tags in, WASTELAND countered into DDT. Evan goes for the SSP, but eats a Cody-assisted WASTELAND for Three. Christian arrives to attack Kofi…and here comes Sheamus to FELLATACK, BROGUE KICK on Cody and OH MY GOD RANDOM STATLER AND WALDORF.

BACKSTAGE, JOHNNY ACE IS TEXTING. Punk is behind him and reminds him that Del Rio and Ricardo screwed him out of the match at Survivor Series and asks what else should he do to get the match. Ace tells him he has the match IF Del Rio agrees to it, and says he has some business to deal with. Seems fair enough, says Punk. NEXT UP: Big Show vs. Del Rio. I smell Henry Shenanigans.

NEXT WEEK: Brodus Clay is gonna rape things. THIS WEEK…EL PATRON arrives in a 2004 Porche Carrera ($100,000), and Justin Roberts announces because Ricardo got World’s Strongest Slammed at the beginning of the evening. Big Show arrives. Early on, ADR gets Show in a Sleeper, bringing him down. But Show manages to toss ADR over, catching his breath. Show rams into ADR on the outside, and WORLD’S LOUDEST CHOP to ADR’s chest. ADR moves out of the way of a Show attack and ENZIGUIRI. Back in the ring, Del Rio kicks the shit out of Show’s head, tries for a pin but Del Rio gets tosses out. Del Rio with a facelock on a kneeling Show. DUELING DEL RIO/LET’S GO BIG SHOW chants. Nice. Del Rio keeps a sleeper on but BACK BODY DROP counter. Del Rio and Show slap each other silly on their knees. Show clotheslines ADR out of the ring. After the commercial break, Del Rio has locked Show’s leg in a hold and is punishing the knee with punches. Show TOSSES ADR out of the ring. Nice. ADR goes for the Enziguiri, but Show with the WMD on ADR out of NOWHERE for Three. Wait, what?

HOLD THE FUCK ON, HERE COMES CM PUNK. ADR is OUT COLD. He grabs the mic and a water bottle and gets in the ring. He sits next to an unconscious Del Rio and wakes him up with the water (OH YES) and PUTS HIM IN THE ANACONDA VICE until Del Rio agrees to the match at Survivor Series. HE SAID YES proclaims Punk. Tremendous.

BACKSTAGE, Fozzy and Gonzo run into Vickie, Dolph and Swagger. Genzo gets his arms wrapped around him and warns the Muppets not to interfere in their matches. Our special guest time-keeper is ANIMAL. OH GOD. Here comes Swagger with Vickie. AND HERE COMES SANTINO. Santino gets clotheslined right at the beginning ans Swagger MME ELBOWS Santino’s stomach. Swagger runs into Santino’s boot, but Swagger overpowers him quickly. Santino TOSSES Swagger and the SALUTE HEADBUTT gets two. Swagger tries for an Anklelock, but gets countered and BEAKER GIVES SANTINO THE ENERGY DRINK and SPITS IT ON SWAGGER, rollup and THAT’S IT.

AWW SHUCKY DUCKY, WOO WOO WOO YOU KNOW IT, Ryder has arrived. And so does Dolph. Wait, why does Vickie have to come out with him too and not just stay at ringside? Oh well. Ryder and Ziggler lock up, shoulderblock on Ryder, HIPTOSSES by Ryder but Dolph derails Ryder’s flurry with DROPKICK. Zigger takes advantage, but gets tossed to the ropes and CLOTHESLINE. Ryder with a MISSILE DROPKICK. RYDER PLANCHA to the outside and the Crowd is firmly behind Ryder. Back from Commercial, Ziggler has Ryder in a submission hold and there’s a LET’S GO RYDER/WOO WOO WOO chant going on. NICE. Ziggler hits an elbow to Zack’s back and gets TWO. Neckbreaker and a nice kip-up by Ziggler. Ziggler stalks Ryder, but Ryder counters into a TOSS TO THE CORNER. Ryder with a FLAPJACK on Ziggler and eats a BROSKI BOOT on the corner for two. Ziggler counters with a Jawbreaker, but KNEES gets two and Ziggler gets his foot on the rope. Ziggler runs to the outside, Vickie grabs Ryder’s leg, and Ryder eats a BOOT TO THE FACE. Ziggler calls for Zig Zag, but Zack GRABS THE ROPE and ROUGH RYDER FOR THREE OH MY GOD THIS IS AWESOME. WWWKYI!

Triple H will apparently be out of action for the next five weeks, and Kevin Nash gets re-signed by John Laurinitis. Go, Ace! And…ugh, here’s Cole. Apparently, Jim Ross isn’t here and Cole claims JR has Irritable Bowel Disease and says JR should be here next week. AND HERE’S STATLER AND WALDORF and The only thing worse than listening to Michael Cole is…NOTHING. DOHOHOHO.

Backstage, Miss Piggy is macking on John Morrison. But he has plans, so he pawns Piggy off on Hornswoggle, who gets DICKPUNCHED by Miss Piggy. CODY has arrived and BAGS KERMIT. TREMENDOUS.

HERE COMES THE MIZ. Stalter and Waldorf appear and since Cena’s wrestling Miz, they consider themselves lucky THEY CAN’T SEE IT. DOHOHOHOHO. Here’s Cena with his camouflage jorts. And ugh, damn it, Cena. Stop being boring. Miz hits a nice big boot and starts kicking the shit out of Cena. Oh god, Kids are chanting CENA SUCKS. TREMENDOUS. Miz kicks Cena RIGHT IN THE FACE and hits the Corner Clothesline. Miz goes up top and hits the double axe-handle for two. Knees to Cena’s face and HEADLOCK. Cena gets out and FIVE MOVES OF DOOM. SHOULDERBLOCK SHOULDERBLOCK PROTOBOMB YOU CAN’T SEE ME FIVE KNUCKLE SHUFFLE and Miz counters the AA with a reverse DDT for two. STF attempt countered into REALITY CHECK for TWOOO. Cena with a clothesline turning Miz inside-out for two. Cena goes up top but gets intercepted by Miz. Miz calls for the Superplex but Cena breaks the grip bringing Miz down enough for the TOP ROPE FAMEASSER for two. Cena goes for the AA, but counters it into a DDT for two. Miz stalks Cena but gets tossed to the outside. Cena follows and tosses Miz into the barricade. TRUTH IN A SCREAM MASK grabs Cena from the stands and Miz capitalizes. Skull Crushing Finale attempt countered into the STF and LOLCENAWINS. But TRUTH IN THE SCREAM MASK gets AA’d in the middle of the ring and gets unmasked. Really, with this crap, does Cena even need Rocky?

Final Thoughts: The Muppets were tremendous in their roles tonight. Pretty enjoyable Raw aside from LOLCENAWINS.

Punk/Henry at the beginning was just a setup for the stuff following. Him forcing ADR to agree to the match at Survivor Series was pretty great, even though the ADR/Show match served ADR nothing but look like a chickenshit heel. Which was terrible.

Pretty Meh about the Divas Match (except AJ’s Fan Lift attempt was pretty awesome), and the Air Boom/Cody & Wade match was just there. But it served its purpose and set up at least a 3-on-3 match with Christian and Sheamus at the end. Add two more guys on each side and we have a traditional Survivor Series match.

Swagger/Santino was just pure comedy and Ziggler/Ryder stole the show for me.

Cena/Miz was just useless, especially the LOLCENAWINS finish, and it didn’t elevate Miz and Truth as a threat at all. After that, why does Cena need to team with Rock if he can beat Awesome Truth by himself? Jesus.

At the very least, the Muppets were used very well. Better than what I expected.

Random Comics, 10/26/2011

DC:

Green Lantern: New Guardians #2 – So, Kyle finds himself in a conundrum: Lantern Rings from the spectrum choose him as a host, and he doesn’t know why. Representatives from each Corps fight him. At least until Saint Walker arrives and they head for Oa to seek Ganthet’s counsel…but Munk, Arkillo, Bleez and Fatality are in hot pursuit. The rings finally attach themselves to Kyle and…oh boy.

Aquaman #2 – So, some weird shit. Sea-Men (HAH) are crawling up from the deep to eat puny humans, and Aquaman and Mera reminisce until a cop calls for their expertise to find the missing half of a seaside town (attacked by the creatures). The Aqua-couple discover a cocoon full of these creatures, and after some fighting, say something about the Trench. DECOMPRESSION~

Marvel:

Amazing Spider-Man #627 – Spider-Island comes to a rip-roaring conclusion as Steve Rogers, freshly un-Spidered teams up with Venom while Peter and Kaine Parker (I love typing that) figure out a way to stop the Queen. With a dash of powered Mary Jane Watson to save the day. And it’s pretty awesome. This is an event done right and that’s a tall order. I enjoyed this more than Fear Itself, even. Well, there’s still a Spider-Island epilogue coming, but STILL.

FF #11 – The War of the Four Cities rages on as Ben Grimm arrives with the Avengers to help turn the tide. Ronan intends to use the two captured Evil Reeds to restore the Kree Empire…by turning them into the Supreme Intelligence. And with him comes the Kree Army. Oh shit. Hickman, you glorious bastard. Next: FANTASTIC FOUR #600.

Wolverine & The X-Men #1 – So, the dawn of a new era. Wolverine opens up the Jean Grey School for Higher Learning. Doop is heading Student Registry. Beast made the School. Iceman is the Bookkeeper. Gladiator sends the school Tech along with his delinquent son. Kade Kilgore introduces himself as the new Black King of the Hellfire Club and causes Logan grief by siccing a gigantic rock thing, and all on the Board of Education inspection day. Yep, the X-Men are FUN again.

Pick of the Week:

Daredevil #5 - I love how Waid’s making this Superhero thing fun again. A lot of Marvel writers are doing it right now (Hickman, Slott, Aaron, etc.) but not to the extent Waid is with Daredevil. Matt Murdock’s new client is blind, and he gets saved by Murdock’s senses. Murdock leads him to his hideout and recreates the conditions of his client’s work (including the tea he drank) to evoke memories. They stumble onto a Hydra (AND OTHERS) plot and Foggy sets Matt up on a date. Nice. I love this book so much.

WWE Monday Night Raw Supershow, 10/24/2011

LAST NIGHT…Awesome Truth cost Cena the championship.

TONIGHT…we start with Haitch NOT IN SUIT. And boy, he angry. He says Kowalski told him you can make friends, or you can make money. Trips says he had both, and names Shawn Michaels, Sean Waltman and Nash. He says Nash was one of those friends but saw that he changed into someone who wanted money more than friends. Haitch throws up the Kliq symbol. He says Nash broke his heart last night. He wants to take his anger out on Nash and tells him to get his ass in the ring. He says he’ll kick his ass if the last 20 years of friendship meant nothing. Johnny Ace arrives and says Nash is at home on his couch and Haitch says he’s not in the mood for this crap and tells him to shut up. Repeatedly. Ace interrupts him until Haitch reminds him that he’s still COO and tells Ace to find Nash and bring him a contract. Haitch says he’s willing to get arrested and embarrass the company…and as he walks up the ramp, Nash attacks Haitch with a sledgehammer TO THE BACK and Ace tells him to go to the back. Weird. Officials check Haitch out and NASH WALKS BACKSTAGE. Haitch is taken backstage and refuses help. Haitch collapses and the officials call for paramedics. IT’S SUPER-EFFECTIVE!

We got into somber Owen Mode while they replay the attack. They try load Hunter on to the Ambulance, but Nash stops them and props Haitch up and hits him in the face with the Sledgehammer. They officials finally get in between them and get Hunter up and he’s OUT. Ace says he’s sorry for some reason and they finally get him on to the ambulance.

Uh oh, tag team match. Orton’s here and I’m bored already. His partner is Sheamus. Their opponents are Christian and Cody (SANS Bag Boys!) and Randy and Christian start off. Randy throws Christian into an launching Shoulderblock by Sheamus and runs away to tag Cody, who eats CHEST PUNCHES and knocks Christian off the apron. Sheamus rams Christian on the outside and Cody catches Sheamus with kicks and hits a Russian Leg Sweep for two. Cody locks on a headlock. Back from the commercial break. Christian’s choking Sheamus on the ropes, but Sheamus fights off. Killswitch attempt counters into a PROTOBOMB and Sheamus tags Orton and CLOTHESLINE, CLOTHESLINE, POWER SLAM, Gutwrench side slam for two. Orton hits the second rope DDT, Cody distracts Randy and Christian hits the Pendulum Kick and SHORYUKEN for two. Cody tags and hits a beautiful dropkick on Orton. Christian isolates Randy until FLYING DROPKICK by Orton. Sheamus tags in and BRUTALITY ENSUES. Irish Curse backbreaker gets two. Sheamus calls for the Celtic Cross, missed a brogue Kick and BEAUTIFUL DISASTER by Cody. Christian spears Sheamus behind the Red’s back and Orton unloads on Cody. Orton hits the RKO on Christian, but gets dumped out by Cody. Cody gets caught and CELTIC CROSS by Sheamus gets the three.

BACKSTAGE, Steph is on the phone with Ace and Otunga’s in the background, and tells Ace that Steph’s just upset. Cena arrives and Otunga leaves. He demands a match against Awesome Truth and gets it…but Ace will pick his partner. Cena leaves and…ACE TEXTS~

The Muppets guest star on next weeks’ Raw. Aww yeah, it IS my birthday, isn’t it. IN THE RING, SANTINO IS HERE AND YOU ARE ALL ON THE NOTICE. And here comes Ziggler, with Swagger and Vickie. Santino tries some very easily avoided kicks and actually snapmares Dolph and threatens Ziggler with the COBRA. Dolph hits Santino in the face and stomps a mudhole in him. DROPKICK and taunt the crowd. Santino counters a clothesline with a split and hiptoss and headbutts Ziggler’s sternum. Swagger distracts Santino, who gets ZIG ZAGGED for three. Swagger gets in and Anklelocks Santino until Mason Ryan comes in for the save, kicking Swagger’s head off.

Backstage, ZACK RYDER is Cena’s partner. WWWKYI, Ryder is main eventing! And ADR is going to make a victory speech. Tremendous.

EL PATRON arrives in a black 2009 Maserati ($140,000) and calls everyone idiots for thinking Cena would win. He says he’s done with Cena and will move on to new challenges. But there’s no-one better than him…uh oh. AND HERE COMES PUNK with a PIPE BOMB! Punk says he hates interrupting and says he says he beat Del Rio multiple times, reminding Del Rio that he beat ADR four weeks ago. And he never received a 1-on-1 title match after cashing in MitB. He asks if Del Rio has the balls. Del Rio says Punk isn’t worthy and losers don’t deserve title shots. Del Rio says to come see him when he gets a victory he says Punk is in the back of the line. Punk retorts that maybe he doesn’t deserve a title shot and maybe if Del Rio doesn’t give him a title shot, he’ll put ADR to sleep anyway. SPEAKING OF PUTTING PEOPLE TO SLEEP HERE COMES JOHNNY ACE and says both of them make good points. He books ADR vs. Punk at Survivor Series for the championship, but Punk asks what’s the catch. Ace says Punk only has to tell Laurinitis he respects him. Punk says respect is earned, and says Raw isn’t any better with Ace is in charge. Punk says he respects Ace in Ace’s voice. Tremendous. Ace says to give it another try. Punk relents and says he respects Ace for going live with the deer-in-the-headlights look. He respects Ace for wrestling in a mullet and finding new levels of brown nosery and respects Ace for doing so little to get to the top. Ace says Punk isn’t suitable for a title shot and will make a decision next week. Punk says to think about this: and MME ELBOWS on Del Rio until Ricardo interrupts and GTS on Ricardo. Aww yeah. Loved Punk’s tirade on Johnny Ace. LOVE IT.

Nattie is up against Alicia Fox and her horrible new generic music. Alicia actually gets some offense before getting chop blocked by Nattie. Nattie cinches in a submission on Nattie and Alicia gets out of it and reverses the Submission and Nattie has to grab the bottom rope. Fox hits a random sunset flip in the corner for the win, but Nattie attacks her, but Alicia escapes both Beth and Nattie. What the hell.

Anyway, here comes John Morrison about to job out against Wade Barrett. JoMo gets some offense and avoids Barrett for awhile. Barrett walks outside for awhile until JoMo attacks Wade. Wade throws JoMo into the guard rail. Wade rams JoMo onto the apron and gets a two count. JoMo uppercuts Wade and FLIPPY SHIT EVERYWHERE and knee to Wade’s jaw for two. JoMo with a crucifix sunset flip for two, and Wade counters it into a sidewalk slam. Wade sets up for Wasteland but JoMo counters away into a russian leg sweep. Wade gets out of the way of Starship pain but couldn’t capitalize. JoMo springboards right into Wade’s shoulders (after a botch) and WASTELAND ends it.

Recap of the Haitch injury angle and apparently Haitch has suffered a concussion, a neck injury and possibly a broken neck. Cole grabs the stick and asks for attention. He brings up JR on the WWE live chat and puts up doctored JR photos. I THINK THIS IS A SHOOP. Cole says he’s had enough of JR and challenges JR to the Michael Cole Challenge (whose rules are under wraps of course) and if JR wins, Cole will quit and give JR his announce job back.

BACKSTAGE, Mathews introduces Zack Ryder and he’s excited about being in the main event, but Awesome Truth are mugging our boy Zack. ARE YOU SERIOUS, BRO?! Awesome Truth come out and…cut their own music off? Miz says the Awesome Truth revolution was derailed by Haitch. Truth says Haitch got what he deserved. Miz says their rose up to the conspiracy. Truth says the party’s just getting started. He says nothing is going to save Cena until he GETS GOT. These two have grown into their tag team. I love it.

Cena arrives and oh boy he’ll overcome the odds, won’t he. And he poses in front of the guy wearing the We Hate Cena shirt and directs him to give the shirt he’s wearing to the kid next to him instead. Nice. Cena starts off with Miz and beats him down in the corner, and hits him with the Fisherman’s Suplex. Miz tags Truth in and snapmare/elbow combo. Truth tags Miz in but Miz gets hiptossed. Truth distracts Cena and Miz DDT’s him. Miz tags in Truth and he gets Cena in a headlock, Cena backdrops him and Truth tags Miz in, who punches Cena and introduces him to the BOOT. Miz calls for his corner clothesline and hits it. Miz hits a top rope for a double axe handle. Truth tags in and knocks Cena silly for two. Truth stomps a mudhole on Cena, but Cena kicks him off and hits a Protobomb. Miz tags in but SHOULDERBLOCK, SHOULDERBLOCK, PROTOBOMB, YOU CAN’T SEE ME, FIVE KNUCKLE SHUFFLE, AA attempt but WATER BOTTLE TO THE FACE gets a DQ and Awesome Truth don’t care. Skull Crushing Finale by Miz and Truth hits the Little Jimmy on Cena. Awesome Truth grab steel chairs and JOHNNY ACE ARRIVES TO STOP ANY ACTION TO EXCITE THE CROWD WHATSOEVER. Ace says Awesome Truth disrespected him like Punk did and tell them to leave the ring. But Ace tells Cena to choose his own partner at Survivor Series to face Awesome Truth. Cena grabs the mic, but goes on a tirade about the partners Ace chooses. Triple H gets deported out of Mexico, Ryder gets attacked. But Cena just got that HE would choose who his partner is and chooses THE ROCK and the crowd buzzes!

Final Thoughts: Well. That was a weird way to write Haitch off for awhile. And BAD WWE. Teasing me with Ryder in the main event. Stop playing with my heart, guys.

Still don’t care for Smackdown guys on Raw. Or the lackluster Diva’s match after the actual decent one last night.

I can’t wait for Del Rio/Punk one-on-one, if they indeed pull the trigger on it.

I don’t know why we’re still having this Cole/JR feud, but if it gets JR and Lawler back together without Cole? I’m for it.

That last segment…huh. I’m not sure this is better than the original Traditional Survivor Series 5-on-5 match with Rock and Cena on one team, but it’s got Awesome Truth so it could be good. It may still end up as a 5-on-5 provided they can get Ryder back and two other guys. You can throw Nash and two other guys (maybe Zig Swag?) on the other team. But a STRAIGHT-UP TAG TEAM MATCH? Man, that’s just lazy. And Teddy Long-ish.

WWE Vengeance, 10/23/2011

We start off with a recap of the feuds at the top of the show, which is always great even with terrible booking errywhere.

Our opening contest is for the WWE Tag Team Championships as Vickie introduces Zig Swag. I love how they have matching AMERICAN tights. Also having matching tights are Air Boom with red and white. I’m not so sure about Air Boom’s new theme song, but Kofi and Ziggler are starting out with HEADLOCKS. Kofi gets out of it and MONKEY FLIP on Ziggles gets two. Evan tags in and DOUBLE TEAM FLIPPY SHIT DROPKICK on Ziggler for another two. Ziggler manages to tag in Swagger who eats a double team leapfrog stomp for two. Evan tags in Bourne tags Kofi in and hits DOUBLE DROPKICK for two. Kofi tags in and DOUBLE BULLDOG to Swaggie and botches because Evan tried for a pin when Kofi was the legal man. Oops. Kofi hits elbows and tries a springboard crossbody but Swagger catches him mid-air and hits a World’s Strongest Slam-esque maneuver which looked pretty sweet. Dolph tags in for the pin attempt and gets twoooo. REST HOOOOOOLD and Swagger gets tagged in. And continues REST HOOOOOOLDS. Kofi gets out of the headlock and avoids Swagger to tag in Bourne, who hits a nice leg scissors, kicks to the legs and KNEE TO THE TEMPLE, gets Ziggler some time in the flurry and KICK TO THE FACE of Swagger for TWOOOOOOOO. Evan calls for the Shooting Star, Ziggler tries intercepting but Bourne lands on his feet and DROPKICKS Swagger into Ziggler and hits a BEAUTIFUL Shooting Star Press…right onto Swagger’s KNEES. Ziggler tags in, tries a pin and KOFI PIN BREAKUP OUT OF FUCKING NOWHERE. Ziggler slows the pace down with a submission hold that Bourne countered into a pin attempt for TWOOOOO, countered into a pin attempt by Ziggler for also two. Swagger tags in and gives Evan the VADERBOMB for two. Swagger attempts to attack Kofi but eats forearm and a rollup for two. Swagger gets countered out of an Anklelock attempt that throws him to the outside and Ziggler distracts the ref so Swagger can pull Kofi off the apron. Ziggler tags in and keeps Bourne away from Kofi. Swagger tags in and attempts another Vaderbomb and eats FEET TO THE CHIN. HOT TAG~ to Kofi and Swagger tags Ziggler in who eats a lot of offense until a RANHEI counter, PENDULUM KICK to Ziggles and a dropkick to Swagger on the apron leads to Kofi hitting a HUGE top rope crossbody for a very near count. Kofi hits the Boom Drop and calls for Trouble in Paradise, which Ziggler avoided. He couldn’t avoid the RANHEI though, and Ziggles eats Two until Swagger broke up the pin (hitting Ziggler in the process) and ANKLELOCK on Kofi, but Evan’s on the top rope and hits KNEES. Ziggler tries a rollup but eats TROUBLE IN PARADISE, Evan tags in and hits the Shooting Star for the WIN.

…AND HERE COMES ZACK RYDER. AWW SHUCKY DUCKY. Ryder starts with a flurry, hits an elbow for two (Swagger and Air Boom are sticking around, BTW.) LET’S GO RYDER chants. TREMENDOUS. Ziggler rolls out the ring, but Air Boom toss him back in…which gets them TOSSED OUT! ARE YOU SERIOUS, BRO?! Ryder continues with MOMENTUM, but Ziggler rolls out of the way as Zack hits the ropes. Ow. Zigger hits an elbow for two. Ziggler RESTHOLDS with a shoulder lock. Ziggler releases it and hits another elbow for two. Ziggler hits a STINGER SPLASH, tries another one but Zack escapes. BROSKI BOOT attempt was scouted and Ziggler got out of the way. Ziggler hits the FAMEASSER for two. Ziggler tries some sort of attack but Zack avoids it and hits the BROSKI BOOT. Ryder calls for the Rough Ryder, but Swagger trips him up while Vickie distracts the ref. Ziggler attempts ZIG ZAG but RYDER HAS THE ROPES and DROPKICKS Swagger on the outside! But Zack turns around and eats the SUPERKICK and that’s it. ARE YOU SERIOUS?! Tremendous match anyway and Zack has a great reason to ask for a rematch without Vickie and Swagger around. But this was a great night for Ziggler with that huge Tag match.

BACKSTAGE…Punk and Ted DiBiase talk and Haitch arrives to clear the air with Punk. Punk promises to make sure Awesome Truth gets their unsafe working environment tonight. BUT HERE COMES BETH PHOENIX and the Butterfly Belt. WWE.com exclusive shows Kelly being attacked by Nattie and Beth. Eve attacks Beth and HERE COME THE AGENTS. Someone’s screaming like she’s been raped. Probably Kelly. Eve has terrible new music. Anyway, Nattie and Kelly have been banned from ringside. Eve and Beth just go at each other. Eve sunset flips eve from the top rope for two. Beth flurries and some actual good athleticism from Eve. Eve hits an Enziguiri and actually HANDCUFFS BETH with her own outfit. Eve kicks Beth in the back. WHAT A HEEL. Beth gets out of it and eats a forearm. Eve gets chop blocked and gets military pressed into the guard rail. Nice. Beth covers Eve for two and gets her in a submission hold. Eve attacks but eats an over-the-shoulder stomachbreaker. Beth legscissors Eve in the stomach and SLAPS THE BACK OF HER HEAD telling her tro cry. Eve gets out of it, hits a bulldog and a senton for two. Eve hits a weird legscissor shoulderbreaker submission. Geez, that looks like it hurts. Beth uses her legs to get to the bottom rope. I’m impressed with both Eve and Beth so far. Eve drives Beth’s face into the ringpost, but Beth hangs her up on the ropes. In the ring, Beth attempts a Glam Slam, but Eve counters it into a flip which gets Beth into the 619 position into a rollup for a very close two. Beth kicks Eve in the face and tosses her to the turnbuckle. Eve hits a kick and tries a moonsault, misses and eats a GLAM SLAM and GOOD NIGHT. That…was actually pretty good. Good on Eve for actually improving in-ring.

Backstage, Matt Striker interviews Big Show and asks him if he’s prepared. Show says Henry found out the hard way that bigger isn’t better, better is better. He says Henry’s House of Pain will crumble like a house of cards. Show says Vengeance will be his and so will the world championship. Show’s improved significantly on the mic recently. It’s jarring, but in a good way.

Christian arrives in his terrible shirt. Sheamus arrives with his awesome pendant. Christian slaps Sheamus right at the start and Sheamus BRUTALIZES Christian and hits a scoop slam. Christian hits another slap and eats a shoulderblock. Sheamus kicks a mudhole in Christian’s chest. Christian slides under Sheamus, slaps him, and Christian gets caught for the CHEST PUNCHES. Sheamus with a DELAYED VERTICAL SUPLEX (haven’t seen that in awhile). Christian hits a couple of neckbreakers to get Sheamus down. Christian gets tossed into the turnbuckle and avoids Sheamus’ battering ram, tying him up on the ringpost. Christian actually keeps Sheamus down and HEADLOCK countered into BACKDROP. Sheamus pushes Christian, but Christian counters with ROPE CHOKE, UPPERCUT and SHORYUKEN for two. Christian calls for a missile dropkick and hits it. Christian goes up top again but Sheamus moves out of the way of the Headbutt. Sheamus looks ANGRY and DOUBLE AXE CLOTHESLINES Christian’s face off. Christian leaps right into Sheamus’ arms, and gets a two off a Fall Away Slam. Christian hangs Sheamus off the ropes and uses his momentum to get him out of the ring. Sheamus counters into a shoulderblock and FLYING SHOULDERBLOCK for two.Sheamus military presses, but counters into SLAP and reverse DDT for two. Christian calls for the Killswitch, but eats a Celtic Cross attempt and just RUNS AWAY. Pendulum Kick attempt gets countered into a huge stomp. Killswitch attempt countered into a CELTIC CROSS but Christian gets out of it and hits two Pendulum Kicks. Sheamus hits the Irish Curse backbreaker for two. Sheamus calls for the Brogue Kick but it gets countered into a SPEAR FOR TWO. I fucking thought he had it there. Sheamus counters and gets up top for a Flying Shoulderblock attempt. Christian cuts him down, and hits the Hurricanrana. Spear attempt countered into a BROGUE KICK OUT OF NOWHERE and that’s IT. Tremendous match.

BACKSTAGE, Otunga and Johnny Ace are backstage and AWESOMETRUTH kiss up to Ace. They ask why they got reinstated…and Ace tells them they’re great suck-ups. And they say Punk and Trips suck. And also the state of Texas. Oh god, these two are great together. Pretty great video package as always. AwesomeTruth arrive with the GREATEST ENTRANCE EVER, now with 100% more AWESOME at the beginning. Punk has arrived, and yes, IT IS TIME FOR CLOBBERING. Haitch arrives and he should wear a suit while wrestling. Punk starts out with Miz. They play cat-and-mouse for a bit until Haitch slaps the back of Miz’s head, distracting him long enough for KICKING by Punk. Haitch and Truth tag in, and Haitch tries to punch Miz but he ducks out of the way. Turnbuckle gymnastics by Truth? Punch by Haitch. DX chop to Truth, ram into Punk’s boot and tag to Punk. Truth tags Miz in, goes for a clothesline but eats a drop toe hold. Surfboard attempt turns into a mongolian chop to the back and Miz gets rammed into Haitch’s boot for and a tag. Double suplex for a one count. Haitch puts Miz in the figure four and HEEL TACTICS, grabs Punk’s arms for leverage while Scott Armstrong’s back is turned. Tremendous. Punk tags in and WISHBONE for two. Punk locks up Miz’s arm and Punk grabs Haitch’s hand for leverage while Truth is freaking out on the apron. I love this, it’s Heel Tag 101. Punk with an irish whip to the corner, Miz elbows his way out and Punk walks his way right into a Truth knuckle sammich. Miz stomps a mudhole in Punk and tags Truth in. HEADLOCK grounds Punk, but Punk reverses into a back body drop. Tag to Haitch and KNEE to Truth, tosses Miz in, Spinebuster to Truth, KNEE LIFT to Miz and Double Clothesline sends Awesome Truth outside. Makes you almost forget Haitch’s growing love handles. Almost. Haitch tosses Truth in, Miz interrupts but eats a punch, and Haitch eats a baseball slide by Truth. Awesome Truth isolate Haitch, double shoulderblock and Truth gets two off it. LIE DETECTOR by Truth gets two. Miz tags in and hits a nice knee on Haitch for two. VINTAGE MIZARD OF OZ for Two. Truth tags in, double boot to the face for two. Truth locks Haitch into a headscissors. Haitch uses brute strength and reverses into an ELECTRIC CHAIR. Miz tries for his running clothesline and eats a clothesline from Haitch. Truth tags in, misses a scissor kick and Haitch plants Truth with a DDT. Punk FINALLY tags, HE’S FLYING with a Clothesline on Miz, Bulldog/Clothesline combo on Awesome Truth, scoop slam on Punk, Macho Elbow gets interrupted by Truth who gets taken out by Haitch. Punk hits the MACHO ELBOW. Punk calls for GTS but FROM THE OUTSIDE, IT’S KEVIN NASH OUT OF NOWHERE taking Haitch out. Punk tries for GTS, Truth runs in and LITTLE JIMMY/SKULL CRUSHING FINALE COMBO called LITTLE JIMMY’S FINALE and that’s IT. But outside, Nash is still beating on Haitch, throwing him into the steps. Nash throws him into the ring, clothesline’s Haitch’s head off and JACNKNIFE POWERBOMB. SHUCKY DUCKY QUACK QUACK. Nash walks off into the crowd.

BACKSTAGE, Johnny Ace: General Manager talks to Alberto Del Rio and Ricardo (with black eye) and complains about Last Man Standing. Ace tells him he’s never been in a HiaC match and he won that. ADR gets his point and walks of ACE TEXTS~

Recap of the Orton/Rhodes feud. Orton arrives first, Blandly. Cody arrives with Bag Boys and RETRO IC TITLE. Orton blandly clotheslines Cody, Cody tries a bulldog and gets tossed. Orton blandly attacks Cody, avoiding all of his offense and clothesline. Cody headbutts Randy outside the ring. Cody hits an exposed KNEEEE to Randy’s face. Cody elbows Orton in the corner Orton fights back, but eats an clothesline. HEADLOCK ON ORTON (how weird) but Orton gets out of it with a back body drop. Dropkick by Cody. This is pretty back and forth aside from Orton avoiding all Cody’s offense at the beginning. Cody with a Booston Crab on Orton, Orton fights out of it and kicks Cody in the face. Cody and Orton brawl for a bit and ALAFUCKINGBAMA SLAM gets two. Cody goes for a moonsault, but Orton gets out of the way. Orton with bland clotheslines and a powerslam. Cody fights out and goes to the top rope but gets intercepted with a dropkick for two. Orton with a gutwrench but Cody counters out and hits BEAUTIFUL DISASTER kick for two. Orton tosses Cody out on the apron and gets out of the DDT, countered into an Orton backbreaker for two. Orton hits a gutwrench sidewalk slam for two. Randy drags Cody to the top rope and tries a superplex, Cody hits a HEADBUTT and MOONSAULT…for two. Cody climbs up the ropes and misses a move and eats an Orton uppercut. BAG BOY distracts Orton, CROSS RHODES and…two?! FUCK THIS. Cody mocks Orton by calling for the RKO, but he eats a dropkick. Second rope DDT by Orton, and Orton calls for the RKO. The other Bag Boy distracts Orton, but Cody hits the Bag Boy instead, Cody eats an RKO and that’s it. What the fuck, man. LOLORTONWINS.

Huge hype for Rocky’s first match back on Survivor Series. Hype video for the Big Show/Henry feud. Tremendous. WWE’s video editing crew can make a mundane feud like this seem important. Show arrives first, then AWW SHUCKY DUCKY, here comes Mark Henry. Huge lockup and this is pretty much a brawl with Show getting the upper hand early on. Henry’s on the outside and recomposes himself. Show tosses Henry in and Show hits a kick. Henry goes out to recover again. Henry grabs his title to leave, but Henry gets tosses back in and HENRY WITH A CHOP BLOCK OUT OF NOWHERE, scoop slams Show and ELBOW to Show’s back. Henry targets the leg he Pillmanized with elbows and locks the leg in with some sort of submission maneuver. Henry drags Show back to the middle of the ring and keeps on the submission. Show uses his other leg to kick Henry’s face. tries a scoop slam but the leg buckled and Henry falls on top of him for two. Henry keeps on the leg, but Show uses the other leg to throw Henry off of him. DOUBLE FUCKING CLOTHESLINE and they’re both down. They brawl on their knees. Show gets on his feet first and HEADBUTTMANIA, clotheslines and butt splash/shoulder block combo gets Henry down. SCOOP SLAM by Show and calls for the chokeslam, hits it and HENRY KICKS OUT. Show calls for the WMD Punch, but eats a WORLD’S STRONGEST SLAM for TWOOOOOOOOO. Henry goes to the…wait…top rope, but Show goozles him and CHOKELSAM FROM THE TOP ROPE gets…TWOOOOOOO! Show with a look of disbelief, goes to the top rope, but Henry intercepts with a…SUPERPLEX AND HOLY SHIT LESNAR FLASHBACK AND THE RING JUST COLLAPSED HOLY SHIT! THAT’S IT, NO CONTEST! FECAL CHANTS FROM THE CROWD FOR THE FIRST TIME IN FOREVER! I LOVE THIS SPOT SO MUCH. They’re calling for stretchers and the stretcher won’t fit Show. They cart out the flatbed they used to get Taker out of the arena at Wrestlemania, and Teddy Long and Johnny Ace appear to see what the hell they’re gonna do. Both guys seem okay and the crowd shows respect for both men. They drive Show out to the back, And Henry refuses help, but he can’t stand up. He finally allows people to walk him out to the back.

John Laurinitis grabs the stick and tells them that even with the state of the ring and the injuries sustained by Show and Henry, the Last Man Standing match will continue. Recap of the ADR/Cena feud and…nah, not even the WWE Editing Crew can save this one. Anyhoo, EL PATRON arrives and is angry at the state of the ring. Here comes Cena, thrilling your screaming demographic…and uh oh, he has new merch on that says “RISE ABOVE HATE” and poses with a guy wearing a WE HATE CENA shirt. Tremendous. I mean, Cena’s a bro, but the way he’s booked is terrible. Anyway, they get in the busted ring. Chioda rings the bell. Rodriguez gets thrown into Cena, who goes for an AA and Del Rio kicks him in the gut. Del Rio brutalizes Cena and hits a suplex and the ref counts to three. Del Rio kicks Cena in the face then the back. Del Rio throws Cena face-first into a leaning ring post and gets five. Del Rio gets tossed and a flurry by Cena derailed by a kick to the kidney. Cena gets backdropped thrice and keeps Cena down for seven, and Cena hits a clothesline. DOUBLE COUNT. Cena goes for an AA but Del Rio counters it with BACK CRACKER which keeps Cena down for 5. Suplex by ADR on Cena twice, but Cena counters into a suplex of his own. DOUBLE COUNT AGAIN. FIVE MOVES OF DOOM COUNTDOWN. Shoulderblocks, Check. Protobomb, Check. You can’t see me, check. Five Knuckle Shuffle sans running, Check. AA, no check because GERMAN SUPLEX. Gutwrench Suplex by Cena gets EL PATRON down for Four. TILT-A-WHIRL BACKBREAKER gets Cena down for a bit. Del Rio uses the ring post to his advantage, drags it on top of Cena and stomps on it, keeing Cena down for Eight. ADR runs in and eats an Attitude Adjustment, keeping them both down for eight. Cena tries another one, Ricardo sacrifices himself and Del Rio gets a sleeper on Cena. Cena’s out and COUNT…to eight. Cena tosses ADR into the barricade. Del Rio gets counted to seven. Cena slams him into the barricade again, but ADR tosses Cena into steps displaced by the ring implosion. Ricardo gets hung up by Cena on the ringpost (NOT THE JUEVOS), Cena drop toe-holds ADR onto the ringpost injuring the Juevos further. Well, he’ll have to announce ADR an octave higher. ADR gets out of the way of the ring steps thrown by Cena, and kicks Cena down. He tosses Cena to the steps. ADR throws more steps on Cena and COUNTDOWN. EIGHT and Cena’s up, flurry on ADR and they go backstage. Cena tosses ADR over the drink table. Cena uses LOL SUPERHUMAN STRENGTH to toss a utility container over ADR, but ADR gets out of the way and scoop slams Cena on top of said container. Cena’s down for seven. They battle to the interview area and drops the steel backdrops over Cena. but only keeps Cena down for eight. They battle back out and Rodriguez distracts Cena enough for ADR to toss him into the Vengenace V on the entrance way. El Patron sets up a table, climbs up the scaffolding but gets tossed into the table by Cena for a count of eight. They battle into the crowd and back on the ringside area. Del Rio tosses Cena over the announce tables. Del Rio takes apart the Spanish Announce Table and tries to toss Cena over it, but Cena tosses ADR into the guard rail. Ricardo tries to hit Cena with the belt, but gets intercepted. Del Rio tries for an enziguiri but hits the ring post instead. Cena sets up the ring steps and AA’S DEL RIO THROUGH THE SPANISH ANNOIUNCE TABLE BUT HERE COMES AWESOMETRUTH AND THEY’RE MUGGING CENA. SKULL CRUSHING FINALE. LITTLE JIMMY. CENA IS DOWN! DOUBLE COUNT! ADR is up at FOUR and Cena’s up for NINE. ADR BELTS CENA. DOUBLE COUNT AGAIN. ADR is up at Seven with the help of a couple guys in the front row and THAT’S IT ADR WINS! HOLY SHIT!

Final Thoughts: The final match was just a BRAWL and I don’t know where the Awesome Truth angle is going. ADR retaining is the best thing that could have happened since Cena’s gonna be focusing on Rocky now.

The Orton match was just unnecessary.

Gotta give props to Dolph, he wrestled a marathon tonight AND retained the US belt…but for how long?

I rag on Eve a lot, but she did step it up tonight and her and Beth delivered a better match than Orton. Amazing.

I think we’re finally leading up to Punk/Nash soon, with the ending of the Haitch/Punk vs. Awesome Truth match.

Christian and Sheamus delivered a good match, but enough of this feud already.

Mark Henry and Big Show’s ending was tremendous, and that’s a spot you should not see often so when it does happen, it’s special. Tonight, it figured into the Cena/ADR main event and sets Henry and Show up for a bigger match at Survivor Series or somewhere.

Random Comics, 10/19/2011

DC:

Justice League #2 – So yeah, Flash, Batman and Green Lantern fight Superman for half the issue. Oh, and there’s the Mother Box. At least it’s better than the incredibly decompressed first issue, yes? Shockingly, the Mother Box does something bad.

Red Hood & The Outlaws #2 – LAST ISSUE: CONTROVERSY! This issue…umm…backstory about Jason. And “let’s-put-more-clothes-on-Starfire-so-the-internet-gets-off-our-back” was hilarious. Come on, DC. Oh, and there’s Zombies. Ha.

Marvel:

Fear Itself #7 – EVERYTHING ENDS. The Avengers have all been given Asgardian weapons to counter the Serpent’s hammers. And I gotta say, I like a lot of the Mighty’s redesigns. There’s an insanely awesome moment with Cap, and the final battle claims a heavy casualty. This event has been pretty…spotty to say the least, but I can’t wait to read the aftermath.

Uncanny X-Men #544 – The end of an era, the last vol. 1 Uncanny X-Men issue. and it’s drawn by Greg Goddamn Land. I really do love the Kirby recap page from Uncanny #1 to serve as a send-off to the series, though. The rest of the issue…? Mr. Sinister a has a douchey pornstache. Iceman and Cyclops reminisce before Bobby leaves for Westchester, And Sinister threatens. Ooooh. Scary.

Pick of the Week:

X-Factor #226 – As much as I rag on Peter David’s propensity to cause drama for his pet characters, I really dig this actual investigation into a murder mystery. I mean sure, there’s still DRAMA, but there’s a lot less of it this issue and it works out.

WWE Monday Night Raw Supershow, 10/17/2011

LAST WEEK…WWE Dropped the ball. THIS WEEK…we’re in Mexico!

I’m a little disappointed we didn’t get a Spanish version of Burn It To The Ground. JUSTIN ROBERTS introduces the most exciting man in sports entertainment, JOHNNY ACE, who reminds us that he’s the EVP of talent relations and Interim Raw GM, teases Rey…going to San Diego for rehab. Oh, you cad. He says he won’t let the board down and the fans down. He said he made a mistake in firing JR. He flubs his line…and asks the crowd to welcome back JIM ROSS! Ace invites JR in the ring to apologize personally and gives him a big old hoss hug. He apologizes, BUT…he didn’t bring JR back to commentate. He shows off-the-air footage of Michael Cole, Alberto Del Rio and Ricardo Rodriguez singing goodbye to JR. Johnny Ace makes the main event of Cole and ADR vs. Jim Ross and John Cena. JR taunts Cole from the ring. TREMENDOUS.

And HERE COMES THE VIPER AWW SHUCKY DUCK…oh wait, Booker isn’t here. Orton arrives for a six-man tag match. His partners are JoMo (oh boy.) and Sheamus and they’re up against Christian, Cody Rhodes (WITH BAG BOYS) and YOUR WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION Mark Henry. During ring intros, Cody/Orton is announced for Vengeance. Christian starts out with Orton, and Orton dominates early. European uppercut grounds Christian as Orton tags in Sheamus, Christian IMMEDIATELY tags Cody in, who eats a shoulderblock from Sheamus. and gets a mudhole stomped in him in the corner. Cody telegraphs an irish whip, hits Orton, and tags in HENRY. Outside, Orton returns the favor to Cody and chases him to the ramp. Back from commercial, Christian and JoMo are the legal men as Cody and Orton are missing. Christian eats the C4 from JoMo and kicks out. Christian hits a backbreaker and tags in Henry, who headbutts the SHIT out of JoMo, drags him to the rope and STANDS ON JOMO’S CHEST. Christian tags in and keeps JoMo grounded, but he fights out, PELE KICK on Christian, who tags in Henry, who intercepts Morrison and eats a BEAR HUG from Mark. JoMo tries to fight out, but gets driven into the corner. Henry goes for a slplash, but JoMo tries getting out, tries a tornado DDT, but Henry’s too strong. JoMo hangs him up on the ropes, tries for a tag, but Christian prevents Sheamus from tagging. Uh oh, Christian and Sheamus brawl outside like Cody and Orton, leaving JoMo alone to try and slay the beast. JoMo hits a springboard kick, and tries something, but GETS TOSSED UP, CAUGHT INTO A WORLD’S STRONGEST SLAM and that’s it. They’re just gonna job JoMo out until his contract runs out, and it’s sad. Punk vs. Miz is announced for tonight. Sweet.

Another Brodus Clay package. I wonder which brand he’s going to. BACKSTAGE…the Bellas whore themselves out to Johnny Ace. Ace calls someone, but Ricardo quietly announces Del Rio. Ace says the winner of the match will pick the stip for Vengeance.

OH BOY, IT’S KELLY AND EVE. Eve’s gonna fight, and gets a Diva’s championship match at Vengeance. Nattle’s her opponent for tonight. Nattie overpowers Eve in the early going and gets put in the octopus stretch. Natte spanks Eve, thrilling YOUR TEEN DEMOGRAPHIC. Eve finally get the advantage, hits the SHITTY MOONSAULT. Yep, Beth’s keeping the belt at Vengeance.

CM Punk Has arrived and YES, IT IS TIME FOR CLOBBERING. Miz and Truth arrive to their TREMENDOUS THEME SONG. Miz reminds Punk that AwesomeTruth gave him a beatdown and cost Punk the championship, and that they did what he could never do: get Haitch out of power. AwesomeTruth threaten Punk this Sunday and OH BOY IT’S TIME TO PLAY THE GAME. In a suit, for some reason. Wait, he’s still COO, but no power over Raw. Huh. I wish they’d, y’know, CLAIRIFIED that last week. Back from commercial, Haitch is in Punk’s corner, and Punk and Miz CHAIN-WRESTLE. Miz and Punk go through a rope-run sequence, hits a dropkick to get Miz out of the ring and SUICIDE DIVE to the outside. Punk tries the Knee/Bulldog combo, but Miz gets out of the way, knocking Punk outside. Haitch stares Truth down to prevent him from assaulting Punk. Punk recovers and hangs Miz from the ropes, and hits the springboard clothesline for two. Punk kicks Miz in the back and gets two. Miz battles out of the corner and kicks Punk while he’s down. Punk counters with kicks and MONGOLIAN CHOP. Punk tries a kick, gets caught by Truth, Haitch tries getting in and the Ref is distracted while AwesomeTruth double team Punk. Miz takes the advantage and hits the AWESOMEclothesline in the corner. Miz putz Punk in a Camel Clutch-ish manouver which Punk counters into a back body drop. Miz counters Punk’s high knee, Miz goes for a double axe handle and KICKS MIZ in the stomach. Miz throws Punk to the outside and distracts the ref while Truth attacks Punk with a water bottle. Haitch chases Truth to the ramp where JOHNNY ACE produces DOCUMENTS with IMMIGRATION PROBLEMS that only Haitch can solve (someone probably needs burying) and has to leave. And hits Truth in the face anyway. Punk is left alone to the mercy of AweswomeTruth, but Punk rallies and hits a swinging neckbreaker and hits the HIGH KNEE/BULLDOG combo. Punk hits the MACHO ELBOW and calls for the GTS. Miz counters into the Skull Crushing Finale, which is countered by throwing Miz into Truth on the apron, and Punk rolls Miz up for THREEEEEE! Except post-match, AwesomeTruth beat Punk down but HERE COME THE REFS and AwesomeTruth back off…for a bit until Truth runs in and hits the LITTLE JIMMY on Punk. While the Refs take Truth away, Miz hits the SCF on Punk.

WWE.com polls hype WWE Network’s reality show, a reality show with the legends living under one roof. That will be fucking awesome. ZIG SWAG arrive with Vickie Guerrero, clad in a senorita dress. Vickie says she’s considered the Angelina Jolie of Mexico City, and she says she’s more than just a pretty face. Vickie announces that Johnny Ace allowed her to book Zig Swag to a Tag Title match on Sunday. Ziggler taunts the Mexican crowd with AMERICA, but they’ll be honored by Swagger in action. Swagger threatens to sing the American National Anthem. Oh god, he’s going through it. Someone interrupt this. Well, the crowd did. OH SHIT HERE COMES ZACK RYDER. Swagger picks Ryder apart early, but Swagger turns his back on Zack, ALWAYS A WRONG MOVE, Ryder hits knees to Swagger’s face and the ROUGH RYDER AND THAT’S IT! Zig Swag try to double team Zack, but HERE COMES MASON RYAN. Dude’s a big broski. Ryan grabs the stick and tells Ziggler that their match is NEXT.

Back from commercial, Ryan clotheslines Ziggler’s head off. Ziggler gets scoop slammed and HIGH VELOCITY KICK throws Ziggler to the outside. He’s hiding behind Vickie, who slapped Ryan. Ryan runs back in the ring and BRUTALIZES Ziggler and gets DQed for ignoring the five count. Ryan takes out Swagger, who ran in, and hits the tilt-a-whirl powerslam on Ziggler. Ryan walks to the back, Ryder in tow.

BACKSTAGE, JR and Cena talk. JR says he doesn’t want to be the weak link…but wants to put his hands on Cole anyway. Cole wants our attention, and says he’ll punish JR and might even pin Cena. He says his wife is Mexican, so the crowd should cheer for him. Cole’s tremendous as a heel, but in small doses. He should be a manager.

Josh Mathews replaces Cole while he’s getting ready for his match. Ricardo introduces EL PATRON (in a sweet black $150,000 Aston Martin) and also introduces Cole, in his stupid orange outfit from Wrestlemania. BOOMER SOONER hits and heeeeeeeere comes JR and he’s gonna kick your fucking head in. And of course, John Cena, but who cares about him. Cole starts off, but wants to fight JR. Cena tags JR in, and Ross SOCKS Cole in the face, and tags ADR in. JR quickly tags in Cena. The two lock up and EL PATRON gets taken for a ride quickly and eats a hip toss. ADR returns it in kind and shockingly, the crowd is 50/50 on ADR and Cena. Cena headlocks ADR, but ADR backdrops Cena for two. Cena goes for ADR on the corner, but ADR sidesteps and Cena hits the turnbuckles. ADR kicks Cena’s side and drags him to his corner, getting cheapshotted by Cole, who taunts Cena while he’s down. ADR climbs the top rope and hits a double axe handle for two. Del Rio taunts Cena with YOU CAN’T SEE ME while he’s down. ADR hits the snap suplex for two. ALBERTO chants from the crowd. I love it. Cena gets out of a headlock and tries an AA, but gets BRIDGING GERMAN SUPLEXED for two. Del Rio kicks Cena in the back to ground him again. Cena counters with an STF attempt but TILT-A-WHIRL BACKBREAKER interrupts Cena’s offense. EL PATRON hits a HUGE Shining Wizard for two. ADR climbs the ropes and misses a Senton. Cena hits the FIVE MOVES OF DOOM (Shoulderblockshoulderblockprotobombfiveknuckleshuffle) but ADR TAGS IN MICHAEL COLE, who Cena tosses in the ring. Cole tries begging off, but eats an AA to finish the Five Moves. He goes for the STF but tags JR in, who returns the favor from Wrestlemania and ANKLELOCK wins it for JR and Cena. BUT ADR attacks Cena from behind. Except, he eats an Attitude Adjustment. Cena smashes the ring steps into ADR’s face, and announces the stip for Vengeance by counting to ten. Yep, it’s a Last Man Standing match.

Final Thoughts: So-so Raw, aside from Ryder squashing Swagger. So far, Johnny Ace’s reign is just like any other heel GM reign, but with a subtle “I’m not a heel, really, wink wink” feel to it by making some fan-friendly decisions.

John Morrison’s just treading water until his contract runs out (apparently soon). I think he knows it, too.

Why is Diva’s Match?

Punk/Miz was the best match of the night, but the immigration papers angle was completely stupid to get Haitch out of ringside.

I love the Ziggler/Ryder feud. Mason Ryan as Ryder’s backup gives the big guy at least SOMETHING to do. I just wish it was Michael McGillycutty instead. Dude needs something to do to build him up. Maybe hype up the Hennig name more.

The Cena/JR vs. ADR/Cole match was just to get the Last Man Standing stip, and give JR a proper send-off. I’d like to see the Last Man Standing match, mostly because they’ve been giving ADR creative ways of winning lately. What I hope for? Duct tape on Cena.

WWE Friday Night Smackdown, 10/14/2011

So…we start with John Laryngitis and TEDDEH, and they announce a clusterfuck 41-man Battle Royal with the winner facing whoever champ he wants and…let’s face it, this is just a bullshit excuse to keep Orton strong so let’s just skip it. Orton vs. Henry is set up for later tonight.

Apparently Smackdown has overtaken Gunsmoke in episodes. Anyway, backstage Del Rio is getting ready to leave because Orton chose Henry. Teddy puts him in a match with Sheamus anyway.

The Sisters of Salvation have arrived in Red and Pink and spiky black. Kelly (in a pandering Dallas jersey) and Eve arrive to kiss up to the crowd. This is just to highlight Kelly’s new aggressiveness, but her headscissors gets lovingly sidewalk slammed by Beth. The K’s eat a shockingly quick Glam Slam (considering how much offense Kelly has had in this entire goddamn feud) for the three, and all is right with the world.

We’re treated to a new, different edit of Sin Cara’s theme as BACKSTAGE, BLACK SIN CARA attacks the shit out of Blue Sin Cara and steals his mask…and WEARS IT. Justin Gabriel arrives with his generic theme…and Hunicara’s new epic Evil theme song arrives with Hunicara-with-Misticara’s-mask in tow. Hunicara dropkicks Gabriel from midair, which is NICE. Gabriel counters a headscissors into a falling powerbomb, but gets taken out of the top rope 450 Splash attempt and Hunicara hits the Swanton Bomb for the win. Geez, these matches are fast.

BACKSTAGE, Air Boom is being told Evan Bourne can’t wrestle tonight because of his welfare. Vickie says she wants a tag title match for Zig Swag. ZACK RYDER suggests he sub for Evan, TEDDEH makes it official because of his insane addiction to Tag Team Matches.

But anyway, Ricardo Rodriguez introduces EL PATRON (in a swank black $280,000 Audi R8) and HERE COMES MAYO…I mean SHEAMUS. Welcome to a clash in styles. EL PATRON eats the chest punches and a shitty short clotshesline for one. Sheamus eats a missile dropkick from ADR and he focuses on Sheamus’ arm. Sheamus gets out due to CLUBBING BLOWS and CLUBBING DOUBLE ARM CLOTHESLINES and a CLUBBING…uhh…scoop slam. Irish Curse backbreaker earns Sheamus two. Ricardo blocks the top rope shoulderblock and while he distracted the ref, CHRISTIAN FROM OUT OF NOWHERE pulls Sheamus’ legs out from under him, leaving him open for EL KICK TO THE FACE x2 for three. Christian finally gets in the ring and hits TWO SPEARS on an already…umm…selling Sheamus.

Vickie Guerrero brings Zig Swag out with nuclear heat. Kofi arrives with Evan with his old theme song. New WWWYKI intro for Zack Ryder’s theme. TREMENDOUS. And he’s filming Z!TLIS, of course. Zack starts out with Swagger and he hits a FACEPLANT, which gets responded to with BELLEH TO BELLEH. Ziggler tags in and hits a Neckbreaker for two. I love how Ziggler and Ryder have continued their feud on the Internet. Zack tags Kofi in and hits the BOOM DROP and calls Trouble in Paradise until Swagger gets Ziggler out of the ring…which is followed by a FLYING KOFI. Unfortunately, back from commercial, Ziggler has control of Kofi until he fights out of an armlock. Ziggler hits a leg lariat (HEY!) for two and tags Swagger in. Kofi stomps Swagger’s foot, but gets taken to the corner turnbuckle. Swagger gets SLAPPED from the top and hits a Tornado DDT! HOT TAG to Ryder and Ziggler and Zack is on FIRE and hits the BROSKI BOOT for TWO #areyouseriousbro. Ziggler hits Ryder on the chin, and Ryder counters with KNEES and a ROUGH RYDER attempt countered into a SLEEPER HOLD. Zack is fading fast, but he desperately counters Ziggler into the ringpost. Swagger runs in and TAKES KOFI OUT. Kofi gets back in and TROUBLE IN PARADISE on Ziggler while the Ref is distracted with Swagger, rolls Ryder on top of Ziggler and that’s it. Air Broskis celebrate in the ring. WWWYKI!

BACKSTAGE, Matt Striker interviews Sheamus, and he regales us about a troll in Ireland who bites people in the arse until a great white bull threw the troll off the bridge. He promises to boot Christian’s skull off. We’re treated to a recap of Big Show’s return. Mark Henry arrives to kick ass and split wigs. Orton arrives to bore the shit out of me. Yes, this is the same fucking match we’ve seen for months. Cody costs Orton the championship after knocking Henry down with a dropkick. Rhodes causes the DQ and after a mini-beatdown, attempts to bag Orton but BIG SHOW ARRIVES to knock Henry down, throw Cody into an RKO from Randy, and chokeslams Henry. Show and Randy brofist in the ring and dear god Orton bores me.

Final Thoughts: I’m so tired of Orton. He’s Smackdown’s Cena, but he doesn’t have awesome faces like Punk surrounding him to minimize his air time. Big Show ain’t cutting it. But at least he’s going to work with Cody Rhodes, who has been improving since before Wrestlemania so it won’t be as bad.

The quick Divas and Sin Cara match don’t help this show.

ZigSwag vs. Air Broskis was pretty good but it can’t save the Orton show.

Random Comics, 10/12/2011

DC:

Green Lantern #2 – So yeah, from last issue, Sinestro gives Hal a ring that he controls. Of course, our impulsive Hal goes off and tries to save a collapsing bridge, but Sinestro actually repairs it while saving lives, outclassing Jordan. After a brief, surprise battle, Sinestro lays out details of the plan and…wait…that’s it?! That was a really short issue. Geez.

Marvel:

Amazing Spider-Man #671 – Spider-Island continues and this is the reason why Slott is the best writer they could ever hope for. Mary Jane gains Spider-Powers, J. Jonah Jameson takes a bite out of crime (and Alistair Smythe), and more hell breaks loose. Oh, and Number 6 is revealed, and it’s not who you think. This issue is just jam-packed with action as the end is in sight. I’m pretty damn excited.

X-Men Regenesis (One Shot) – The way they’re dividing the X-Men makes sense (except Shadowcat and Colossus. She just got BACK.). I’m not exactly sure about the caveman framing story/analogy, but it serves its purpose. I’ll be sad to see the old UXM go, but I’m excited to see what both X-Teams do from here on in, which Is what Marvel’s banking on, anyway.

S.H.I.E.L.D. #3 – So, you’ve got a raging Celestial kid on your hands, driven insane by math. What do you do? Throw SCIENCE at it. It usually works. God, I love the concepts of this book. Hickman, you glorious bastard.

Pick of the Week:

FF #10 – The War of the Four Cities continues! As much as I’d love for Crystal and Quicksilver to get back together, I love what Marvel has done bringing her and Ronan together as a couple. Speaking of couples, I LOVE the scene with Reed and Sue. You may be the smartest man alive, but your wife is still smarter, Reed. It’s character moments like these (and the big concepts) that make FF the best Marvel book out there. Hickman GETS these characters. And I’m loving this entire storyline leading up to Fantastic Four #600.

WWE Monday Night Raw Supershow, 10/10/2011

LAST WEEK, everyone walked out on Triple H. At least 55 people out of the roster. Except, SHOCKINGLY, the main event faces.

THIS WEEK, Raw starts with no announcers (GOD is it so good not to hear Michael Cole), panning the crowd, and SUDDENLY BACKSTAGE Triple H looks around an empty backstage area and WALKS TO THE RING. Motorhead proclaims it is time to play the game, and Haitch walks out to the ring with a mic. He says he showed up and the crowd showed up. He says he’s bewildered by the walkout. Haitch claimed they walked out on the fans, and they’re all outside holding a solidarity rally. Haitch says they’re all whiners, and they won’t perform for the fans unless he steps down. He asks the fans what to do. He says he’s never been a quitter. He won’t be intimidated, blackmailed, coerced and he will not quit. He won’t care if he’ll wrestle a broomstick for two hours if he has to. Come hell or high water, he’s going to give the fans Raw tonight.

OH BOY HERE COMES CENA. I still don’t care! He grabs a stick and tells Haitch there was a reason he wasn’t among the walkees. He says every one of those 55 contacted him, but Haitch didn’t. But he says Haitch is the Boss, and he’s staying because he loves the unsafe workplace and chaos. He is loyal to the fans and will stay on Raw. Sheamus arrives and reminds Haitch that two years ago, he was making a name for himself for attacking him. But Haitch took it like a man and beat him. Sheamus has a lot of respect for him, and came to be part of Raw. Punk arrives ARMED WITH A PIPE BOMB and says this is all his fault. He says he made walking out look cool, but says the guys in the parking lot got it wrong. He didn’t break his contract or his word, his contract expired and he was making a point to the entire company, not just one man. If anyone has a reason to leave WWE, it’s him. Someone doesn’t want Punk to be WWE Champion. But the ring is where problems are solved. Punk rattles off matches that are unsafe working enviroments (HiaC, Elimination Chamber), and when Punk had a problem with authority, he dealt with things personally. He’s the last guy these three expect to see in the foxhole, but asks, what do they do now? Haitch says they should do what they do and fight.

Haitch announces Cena vs. Sheamus RIGHT FUCKING NOW with him as the ref. And Haitch offers Punk his blazer and commentary position. And rings the bell. Awesome. Cena and Sheamus have a pretty standard match when WAIT A FUCKING MINUTE THAT’S VINCE MCMAHON. He apologizes for interrupting the match but he needs to talk to Haitch. He thanks Punk, Cena and Sheamus, Haitch and everyone outside for standing up to what they believe in. He says he believes in Haitch and he enjoys Raw watching at home, the Board of Directors say they’re behind the walkout and they’re worried about the financial wellbeing of the company. Vince says the same thing Haitch did to him so many monthsd ago and apparently no-one from the McMahon family will run Raw. They say the Board is looking for a new permanent General Manager for Raw, but the interim GM for Raw is…OF COURSE, IT’S JOHNNY ACE! THE PLOT THICKENS.

Backstage, Johnny Ace welcomes everyone back. JoMo says Haitch is a narcissist, but Ace SUCKS. Christian sucks up to him and is coerced into being JoMo’s opponent. In the ring, JR, King and OH GOD WHY COLE arrive to call that match. Anyway, JoMo arrives in streetclothes and so does Christian…AND THE NEW COALITION, with Zig Swag and Cody. Christian takes advantage early and makes a mistake which JoMo capitalizes on. JoMo throws Chistian off the top rope, tries a Starship Pain but eats a Spear for THREEEEEEEE. The coalition hit their finishers on JoMo. Yeah, that’s what you get for wanting your contract to expire. Dohoho. Anyhoo, Ace has announced backstage that Punk vs. Del Rio is on, and so is Orton vs. Henry…which is NEXT.

Backstage, JOHNNY ACE IS ON THE PHONE…with his wife. Interrupted by Haitch! He says he’s loyal and he’s ready to make the sacrifices. Haitch simply asks Ace if he’s ever picked up his teeth with broken fingers.

AND HERE COMES HENRY. He grabs the stick and tells the production monkeys to run the footage from SD last week. Henry says he took all of Show’s punishment and he’s still here. And at Vengeance, Vengeance is his. Bur Orton arrives and says Vengeance is HIS. In the most boring way possible. Orton suckers Henry into the turnbuckle and dropkicks him. Orton tries KNEEEES but Henry moves away and drags Orton to the top turnbuckle. Orton gets SWATTED to the outside. Henry drags Orton in and hits the powerslam for TWOOOO. Henry goes for a legdrop but Orton moves out of the way. Orton finally hits the knee, clotheslines Henry and hits the second-rope DDT. Orton teases the RKO. Cody interrupts and DQ! Orton vs. Rhodes? I LIKE THIS. Orton tries hitting the RKO on Cody, but Cody pushes him into Henry’s WORLD’S STRONGEST SLAM. Henry hits it AGAIN and demands his championship. And leaves Cody to hit CROSSRHODES. He calls for a BAG BOY and BAGS THE SHIT OUT OF ORTON. “Cut the head off the Viper and the Venom goes with it” Cody says, and quips ”Would you like a receipt with your paper bag?” TREMENDOUS.

Kelly and Eve vs. Tamina and Rosa. Yep. Kelly yells like she’s being murdered. Jesus. Tamina manages to get some offense in until Kelly tags Eve in and she hits an unconvincing clothesline. Back in the ring, Tamina eats a kick from Eve, hits a shitty moonsault, and that is mercifully that. Backstage, the Divas of Doom LOOK ON. And HORY SHIET HERE COMES JOHNNY ACE.

He announces that  Del Rio will defend the belt against John Cena at Vengeance. He says he’s a moral and ethical man, and he’s going to do the moral and ethical thing. He invites Jim Ross to enter the ring, and claims that by walking out on Haitch last week, and in his book, this makes Ross an ingrate. As the Executive VP and interim GM, he fires Jim Ross. FAKKEN BOOLSHEET. SHUT UP, COLE.

HERE COMES BATIS…uhh…MASON RYAN. And his teammates are AirBoom with NEW MUSIC. I kind of like it. Zig Swag and Otunga are their opponents. Evan starts out with Dolph. With KICKS. Tags Kofi in quickly and they DOUBLE DROPKICK Dolph in the corner for two. Dolph runs out of the ring, but gets tossed back in by Ryan. Kofi throws him back out, tags in Evan and SPLASH to Dolph on the outside. Swagger tagged in sometime in the commercial break and Ryan actually manhandles SWAGGER of all people and ties him into a TREE OF WOE in their corner. Kofi tags in and tries an aerial maneuver but Swagger gives Kofi the SPLITS. Otunga tags in and is boring until Dolph tags in. Ziggler with a TREMENDOUS dropkick to Kofi and tags in Swagger, who eats a FACEPLANT from Kofi, who tags the big man Ryan in, who runs Ziggler down and gets a TWOOOOOOO. Otunga breaks the count, Kofi hit Otunga, Swagger hit Kofi, Evan tries the KNEES but gets countered into a HUUUUUUGE POWERBOMB, Ryan clotheslines Swagger out of the ring and hits his finisher on Ziggler for the win, but Evan looks injured from the powerbomb. Hopefully it’s not serious.

Brodus Clay video package is selling me on him more than the constant squashes on Superstars and his entire tenure on NXT. OH BOY, a trailer for Cena’s new movie. Ricardo Rodriguez introduces EL PATRON, who arrives in a beautiful dark red BMW (worth $100,000), and yes, IT IS CLOBBERING TIME as Punk arrives. Punk chants fill the arena as the two lock up. Del Rio goes to work on Punk’s arm early, but Punk stomps the SHIT out of ADR. He gets of the ring and goads Del Rio to get back in. Del Rio gets the advantage and DROPKICK TO THE BACK. Punk counters with a backdrop for two. He catches Del Rio in a scissor headlock and MMA elbows to the face for TWOOOO. Del Rio suckers Punk to the corner and Punk spills out the ring as Johnny Ace STOPS THIS MATCH…because it’s now going to be a tag team match with Punk and Del Rio against two people he’s reinstated, AWESOMETRUTH. With their awesome entrance theme. I missed you so, awesome entrance theme.

And now people are actually cheering ADR after he kicks Miz out of the corner with an enziguiri but Truth takes advantage. Tags in Miz who keeps ADR away from Punk, but ADR telegraphed that, tags Punk in, who STOMPS THE SHIT out of Miz. Russian Legsweep gets two. Miz gets out of it and tags Truth in, who gets tripped and Punk punches the shit out of Truth, and tags in ADR. He dropkicks Truth for TWOOOOOOO. Truth gets out of a headlock by Del Rio, and tags in Miz. Del Rio apparently tweaks his hamstring and tags in Punk. ADR and Ricardo gets his “leg checked out” and Punk is on his own. Knees to Miz countered with a kick to the back by Truth behind the ref’s back and DDT on Punk for two. Truth tags in and Punk covers up from Truth’s offense. Truth puts Punk in a grapevine headlock, gets out but Truth regains control, tags in Miz and they hit a double shoulderblock for two. Miz with PUNCHES and Truth chokes Punk out behind the ref’s back. Punk tries fighting out of the corner, hits the KNEE+BULLDOG COMBO with CLOTHESLINE TO TRUTH. Top rope and Punk hits the MACHO ELBOW and calls for GTS, but Truth gets in and…yep, that’s a DQ and HERE COMES HAITCH, attacking Miz and Truth. Punk and Haitch clear the ring, with Haitch assaulting Miz an Punk on Truth. Punk throws Truth over the table, but Truth runs out through the crowd. Punk and Haitch stand tall in the ring.

BACKSTAGE, Johnny Ace and Otunga scheme for Haitch and Punk vs. AwesomeTruth for Vengeance. Punk and Haitch actually shake hands, and pander to the crowd as Raw ends.

Final Thoughts: Predictable move by the board to get John Laurinitis in a position of power. I’m not quite sure what he’ll bring to the table, but since this was his endgame all along, I wonder what crap he’ll put Haitch and Punk through at Vengeance.

Cena, predictably, is the company man in the beginning. I’m pleasantly surprised he didn’t show up for the rest of the show.

JoMo vs. Christian was just…there. Morrison’s been jobber to the stars lately, and with the end of his contract apparently looming, it makes sense.

Henry vs. Orton was by-the-numbers. If you’ve watched their matches, you knew what to expect. But I LOVE the Cody interference and mini-promo at the end. I still question Smackdown being on Raw, but seeing the pathetic half-empty arenas the brand’s been attracting…

Ugh, that Diva’s match. Ugh.

The 6-Man Tag was fun, but…that time could have been better spent with a regular tag match to promote the burgeoning tag division.

The main event was pretty fun until John Laryngitis arrived and pulled a Teddy Long on Punk and ADR. I missed AwesomeTruth, but eh…I’d rather have seen a Punk/ADR one-on-one match. It’s just a set-up for Haitch to run in at the end anyway.

I’m intrigued, but ugh…I don’t need Haitch on my screen wrestling. He was a great authority figure, but even then, he takes up waaaaaaaay too much screentime. With him wrestling again, yikes.

Taking a wee break.

An ear infection is currently beating me up like Mark Henry to a jobber.

I'll return to proper duties this Monday.

Have Sin Cara as Spider-Man instead.

Random Comics, 10/5/2011

DC:

Red Lanterns #2 – Last time, Bleez was talking Revolt. This issue, Atrocitus metes out punishment. I like that they’re fleshing out his character more. I see they’re turning him into Ghost Rider, except with blood vomit instead of hellfire.

Justice League International #2 – Yes, we get it, Godiva is horny. The JLI’s first mission is a bust, they regroup and Guy Gardner is angry that Ice got injured. This is pretty much a get-your-shit-together issue with Booster actually getting votes of confidence from his team.

Marvel:

X-Men: Schism #5 – Knock-down drag-out three-way fight between the Sentinel, Wolverine and Cyclops that was pretty damned brutal. The X-Kids actually did more good than Cyclops and Wolverine and forced them to work together. After the battle, they finally decide to part ways, and where Logan and his team of X-Men end up will brighten up a classic X-fans’ day. Certainly did mine.

Secret Avengers #17 – Got this a week late and by God, was it worth the wait. Warren Ellis is at his batshit insane best here, AND playing with the Avengers and super-spies. And a cyborg kidnapping Truck. Yep, it’s like Optimus Prime, without the Robot mode.

Pick of the Week:

Spider-Island: The Deadly Hands of Kung-Fu #2 – For some reason, the Bride of Nine Spiders attacked Shang-Chi last issue (probably something to do with the Spider control thing by the Queen) and he got saved by our old gal Silver Sable. I love this book so far. Exciting Kung-Fu action, SPIDERS, and everything ties in to the main storyline. And THAT LAST PAGE. Nnng. So awesome.

WWE Monday Night Raw Supershow, 10/3/2011

Raw opens cold, and Jerry Lawler is still injured. Tonight, 12-man tag team main event with Cena, Punk, Sheamus, Mason Ryan and AirBoom are up against Del Rio, Cody Rhodes, Christian, Otunga and Zig Swag. And we start off with Orton for some reason. And oh boy, Drew McIntyre gets the Jobber Entrance. Poor Drew, from being a promising talent, hand-picked by Vince McMahon…to curtain-jerking Raw to be fed to someone who doesn’t need to be built up.

Orton of course gets the early advantage and dropkicks Drew out of the ring, and Orton throws him into the barriers. DrewMac gets dragged into the ring and eats ten punches in the corner. DrewMac cleanly BOOTS Orton in the face. He actually gets some pretty good offense until an ill-advised top rope attempt earns him boots to the face. POWERSLAM and LOLVOICES. Second-rope DDT, and he calls for the RKO, hits it, and it’s done. PAR-EE’S OVAR. Geez, Orton’s more Orange than usual. Orton hits another RKO on DrewMac for no reason at all…but HERE COMES MARK HENRY. OOOOOOOH MAH GOODNESS. He just stares and taunts Orton and Orton attacks. The two brawl and Security tries separating the two. Here comes Johnny Ace, and that’s the cue for everything to break down. Both men break free of security and wail on each other. Orton tosses Henry over the guard rail. I still blame Johnny Laryngitis for this.

Henry remains in the ring, ANGRY, and I believe he’s ready for a match. Recap video of the Hall of Pain induction of the Big Show. And they announce Big Show’s return on Friday…and here comes poor JoMo. He’s really been Jobber to the Stars lately. And it’s JoMo’s birthday! Happy Birthday, JoMo. have a SQUASH. JoMo tries to get Henry off his feet, but he gets thrown around like a rag doll. JoMo lands on his feet once, and eats a CLOTHESLINE. WSS attempt countered and KICKS send Henry down! JoMo hits Starship Pain, but TWOOOOOOO! JoMo eats a BOOT and World’s Strongest Slam ends it. Henry hits another WSS. Booker questions that, but Cole mentions that Booker didn’t protest the second RKO to DrewMac…nice one, Cole. Henry grabs the stick and says he’s DONE with Orton. He says if Show wants him, he’s not hard to find. Henry threatens to put Big Show back on the shelf and put him back in the Hall of Pain. That’s nice and all, but we’re a half hour in and we haven’t had any actual Raw storyline…

UNTIL NOW. Johnny Ace asks the Otunga with the Vickie Coalition (Del Rio, Cody Rhodes, Christian and Zig Swag) if he had anything to do with the lawsuit Miz and Truth filed this morning. Otunga counters that people have legitimate grievances. Vickie quips that they’ll have to air those grievances in public…and they WALK TO THE RING.

IN THE RING, One half of the main event awaits the arrival of the WWE champion, ALBERTO DEL RRRRRIIIIIOOOOOOOOOOOO. And lord help me, Vickie looks SLIM. Del Rio grabs the stick, and he couldn’t celebrate properly because AwesomeTruth attacked him. Only one man had the power to raise and lower the Cell (letting Cena and AwesomeTruth in) and that is Haitch. Christian says Raw is an unsafe place to work since Haitch took power. Cody says this isn’t a conspiracy, but a fact: everyone in the ring is a victim of his reckless actions. Dolph says Haitch’s actions have gone unsupervised, and they’re gonna take action. Swagger says his friends and family are concerned for him. EXCUSE VICKIE, she says as a woman, she feels especially vulnerable. Otunga says there are only two options: They keep working and risk harm, or band together and contemplate legal action…AND HERE COMES HAITCH. It’s burying time.

He questions what happened to WWE? It used to be that WWE was about MEN fighting in the ring. No whining, no lawsuits, just fighting like men. He doesn’t give a damn about lawsuits, he cares about the main event tonight. He tells the guys in the ring to not whine or sue, just do what the fans paid to watch them to do: Shut up and fight.

They recap AwesomeTruth’s actions from last night and show a tweet from the Miz, apologizing on behalf of Truth. Kelly and Eve walk to the ring for a tag team match. The Divas of Doom arrive with their Demolition shoulderpads and the Divas Championship. Beth starts out with Kelly, and Beth immediately throws Kelly out. But Kelly smashes Beth onto the announce table and it breaks down. Yep, it’s a DQ. Kelly smashes Beth on the side of the announce table and she’s being restrained by Eve. Geez. Angry Kelly is Angry.

BACKSTAGE, Haitch is on the phone but is interrupted by Johnny Ace. He demands an apology from Haitch for punching him. He tells Haitch to ask the locker room to ask for a vote of confidence. He grabs Ace by the scruff and wonders if ace is manipulating things. He tells Ace to gather the roster in the ring and Haitch will look them all in the eye and as them for a vote of confidence and tells Ace to be there, too.

IN THE RING, Jinder Mahal yells at everyone and HOLY SHIT HERE COMES SANTINO, back from injury! He grabs the mic and insults Mahal with YAHTZEE. JR says the closed captioning person just walked off the job. Mahal takes advantage early and tosses Santino to the corner. Santino gets out of the way and COBRAAAAA ends it. Goddamn, I missed that man.

We then get a Brodus Clay video package, and I love these little vignettes. They then show the AwesomeTruth chaos from last night in its entirety. They then show Truth and Miz on Youtube, and they say they just made a statement to get their jobs back. Miz and Truth have filed assault charges on Haitch for attacking them while they’re handcuffed and a wrongful termination suit. They apologize to the fans, but not to Haitch.

AND HERE COMES PUNK. With Ice Cream shirt. And it is clobbering time. Cena comes out next to the delight of the children and the chagrin of the smarks. A quick commercial break and we’re back and everyone’s in. Christian starts off with Christian, backdrops him and Otunga tags in and gets Clotheslined. Ziggler gets tagged in and Mason Ryan gets tagged in and gets slapped by Ziggler. Ryan presses Ziggler and tosses him into Swagger on the outside. Ziggler gets back in and eats a powerslam. Sheamus tags in and Ziggler gets out and tags Swagger and they just club each other to bits with Sheamus getting the upper hand. Sheamus eats an elbow and Swagger chopblocks Sheamus, but Sheamus gives Swagger an Irish Curse backbreaker. Punk tags in and Swagger escapes a Macho Elbow attempt to tag in Rhodes. Rhodes takes advantage of a battered Punk and keeps him in the corner. Punk manages to leg lariat Cody and hits the Knee/Bulldog combo. GTS attempt and THINGS ALMOST BREAK DOWN as everyone piles in the ring. Kofi is apparently tagged in during the break and eats Beautiful Disaster for two. Del Rio tags in and DROPKICKS THE BACK OF KOFI’S HEAD. Fuck Ow. Christian tags in and eats Kofi’s boots. Christian regains the advantage and hits the neckbreaker for two. Christian grounds Kofi, taunts Punk in and WHAT A HEEL, Swagger gets in without a tag behind the Ref’s back and punches Kofi. Ziggler tags in and dropkicks Kofi for two. Cody tags in and throws Kofi out. Swagger stomps him on the ground and Cody gets COUNTERED by Kofi into the guard rail. Cody tags in Christian and prevents Kofi from tagging. Swagger tags and double teams with Ziggler. Ziggler tags in Otunga and yeah, greener than goose shit. Tags Ziggler back in and DOUBLE CROSS BODY. Kofi FINALLY tags Bourne in and KICKS EVERYWHERE. NICE TIGER KNEE into the Shooting Star, Vickie gets ejected for getting caught putting Swagger’s leg on the rope. The faces wave Vickie goodbye as the heels regroup. After the break, Christian’s isolating Bourne. Del Rio tags in and hits a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker for two. Bourne counters with a DDT after being thrown into the corner, Cena gets tagged in and shoulder blocks on Del Rio, Powerbomb, Five Knuckle Shuffle, AA attempt and ARM BREAKER. Cody tags in and the heels stomp on Cena. Cody tags in Christian, who uses the ropes to stomp on Cena’s throat. Del Rio begs for the tag and taunts Cena and puts him in a headlock. Swagger tags and hits the Vaderbomb for TWOOOOOOO. Swagger goes for another vaderbomb, but, Cena gets out of the way. Cena tags Sheamus and Swagger tags Ziggler, who eats BRUTALITY from Sheamus. Sheamus tries the top rope shoulderblock bot gets shoved off by Del Rio. Sheamus then eats the Zig Zag by Ziggler, the Spear by Christian, who eats KNEES by Bourne, who eats Cross Rhodes, Ryan gets taken out by Swagger and Cody, who get taken out by a Kofi splash, and Kofi eats a German by Del Rio, who eats a GTS from Punk, who gets a Neckbreaker by Otunga, who eats an AA by Cena, who eats a Zig Zag from Ziggler, who eats a Brogue Kick by Sheamus, that pinned the Ziggler, that got the three, that lay in the ring that Vince built. Oh god, my brain.

The Smackdown roster (HEY THERE’S BLACK CARA), the Divas, the Refs and the Raw roster have all arrived for the Vote of Confidence. Hey, here comes Lawler! Nnng, dat Kaitlyn. Here comes Haitch, and apparently it is time to play the game. Haitch says the job’s a lot more difficult than he thought it would be. Haitch says AwesomeTruth should apologize to the audience…which they did. Haitch says he’s old school, and that he loves the chaos that is WWE and everyone beating each other up, and he bets the audience likes that too, and reminds the roster that they work for the audience. Haitch says it’s his responsibility to make sure Raw is good, and he works his ass off for them. Wade Barrett was selected to speak for the…heels I guess (well, he is the best talker)? He says that WWE is now an unsafe environment. He says that the reason everyone came to WWE was because they’re all competitors, and like to adhere to rules and that doesn’t include getting attacked by outside individuals. He also says Haitch isn’t capable of controlling the talent. He is also incapable of keeping his own hands off the talent, and all this chaos is because of Hunter.

Hunter reminds everyone that Wade, last year, led the Nexus into tearing the ring up, beat half the roster and beat officials himself. He says Wade’s jealous because all the chaos isn’t because of him. Hunter then asks for more opinions, and Mike Chioda steps up and says he hasn’t seen this much abuse towards the refs in years. He mentions Chad Patton got clobbered by Ricardo Rodriguez, who wasn’t punished. In the 23 years he’s been a ref, he’s afraid to come to work. Beth Phoenix says all the bedlam, she’s afraid, and so are the divas. Lawler gets in the ring, and speaks for himself. He agrees with some of it, and says the show is spiraling out of control. He disagrees that it’s Haitch’s fault. He thinks it’s what Punk says: Someone’s sabotaging Haitch’s job, and the roster’s paying the price for it. Someone doesn’t want Haitch in charge, and it’s only going to get worse if he stays. Christian and the heels vote no confidence. Chioda and the Refs concur, and so does Beth and the Divas. Lawler says no confidence, too. And since actions speak louder than words, he’s walking out…and the crowd around the ring slowly thins as the SD roster, the Raw roster, the Divas and the Refs walk back. Michael Cole walks to the back as well as a few stragglers. Booker walks back. The Cameramen and crew also walk out. All that’s left is Jim Ross, who stands up and finally, walks out, leaving Triple H alone in the ring.

It’s a remarkable visual. The fans are still applauding as Triple H looks dumbfounded. Finally, Johnny Ace walks out, looks at Haitch in the ring, and turns his back and walks back through the curtains.

Final Thoughts: Wow, that last segment was pretty powerful. Triple H looked powerless as the entire roster walked out on him.

I didn’t like Smackdown dominating the first half hour of the show, and the main event 12-man tag was just a clusterfuck.

The less said about the Divas match, the better.

But hey, Zack Ryder was on Raw and so was Santino. It’s a win, right?

But the entire show was built on that last segment. And they pulled it off brilliantly. I can’t wait for Smackdown and next week’s Raw to see what happens.

I really dig what they’re doing with Miz and Truth being huge players in this storyline. Just gotta wonder what Johnny Ace’s real endgame is, if he is indeed the guy pulling strings.

WWE Hell in a Cell, 10/2/2011

AAAH THE CELL IS TALKING oh wait, it’s just crappy narration. Michael Cole’s voice and generic rock. Yep, we’re in hell.

Anyway, Christian is curtain-jerking after being in the main event for months. CONSPIRACY. FELLA arrives and dear god, Booker’s incoherent rambling is incoherent as usual. Christian’s just getting tossed around like a ragdoll. Christian fights out of the chest punches and runs away from Sheamus, but Sheamus caught him. NOW we get the chest punches, which gets Sheamus twoooooooo. Sheamus hits a fallaway slam and goes for the shoulder block but gets tossed off the top. Christian finally gets the advantage and gets a sleeper on the big man, but Sheamus falls back onto Christian for a nice counter. Christian’s got Sheamus down on his knees and pounds on Mr. Mayo. Christian wastes time taunting the crowd and Sheamus gets some offense in, but Christian hits a missile dropkick to keep the big man down…at least for a bit. Sheamus finally gets though Christian’s defense and BRUTALIZES Christian. Sheamus tries for the Irish Curse backbreaker, but COUNTER AFTER COUNTER. Killswitch attempt but ELBOWS. Sheamus finally hits the Irish Curse, but gets TWO. Sheamus calls for the Celtic Cross, but Christian gets out of it. Christian tries a top rope move but gets intercepted by Sheamus. Christian fights out of it, hits a Pendulum Kick and TORNADO DDT gets…zero. Christian calls for the Killswitch, but gets pushed into the turnbuckle. More offense by Sheamus until a kick to the knees brings the big man down. Sheamus SKINS THE CAT from a sitdown position and hits the shoulderblock, calls for the Brogue Kick but Christian avoids it. They go outside, and CHRISTIAN HITS THE SPEARSPEARSPEAR for Seven. Another SPEAR inside the ring for TWOOOOOOOO. Christian climbs the turnbuckle, goes for the headbutt, but NOOOOO. Sheamus picks Christian up for the Celtic Cross, Killswitch attempt countered, Christian sent to the ringpost and BROGUE KICK ends it. Awesome, awesome match.

Backstage, Striker interviews Mark Henry (wearing Gold and Black). Henry mocks Striker, and doesn’t care where they fight, Orton is joining the Hall of Pain.

Sin Cara arrives (Misticara) and actually doesn’t botch his entrance. Hunicara comes out to a darker remix of the Sin Cara theme, which is AWESOME. I like Hunicara’s theme better. In the ring, each point to themselves as the real Cara. Hunicara gets a submission on Misticara, but Misticara flips over for a splash. LIGHTNING QUICK moves by both Caras and yeah, this is pretty much a Lucha match. Both Caras avoid each other’s offense and both Caras trade legscissors to the delight of the crowd. Misticara counters Hunicara’s offense into an arm drag to the outside. Mistico tries a Moonsault but Hunicara counters with boots to the face to get the advantage. Misticara tries a springboard, but eats a dropkick to the back. Hunicara has full control of the match, tries a drive and hits Misticara. Is it just me or does Misticara have a better showing with someone who actually knows the Lucha style? Assholes chant boring when this is actually pretty exciting. Misticara with the headscissors and gets Hunicara outside and a HUUUUUUGE splash to Hunicara. Drags him back in the ring. SUPERKICK to Hunicara, but Hunicara counters with a powerbomb. Hunicara tries a top rope move but gets intercepted and eats an ARM DRAG. Misticara tries a Senton, Hunicara gets out of the way, and then a SUNSET FLIP POWERBOMB ends it.

Backstage, Punk meets Otunga. Otunga approaches Punk about representation since he’s representing the entirety of WWE now. Punk says he has his own voice, and that he hates lawyers. He shoos Otunga away. AND HERE COMES AIR BOOM. They’re defending against Zig Swag, introduced by Vickie, who obviously gets nuclear heat. This doesn’t look good for an impromptu Ryder US Title match. Kofi starts off with Swagger. Kofi hits a somewhat aerial version of the X-Factor, tags Evan in and hits Swagger in the stomach (with assist by Kofi) with STOMP. Swagger tags Ziggler in and AirBoom is dismantling Dolph. Frequent tags by the duo, with a nice assisted headscissors to Ziggler by Bourne. Ziggler gets the advantage and tags Swagger in, and they keep Evan out of his corner. Ziggler tries a splash and Evan tags Kofi in. Kofi tries to run the ropes by Swagger tosses Kofi out. Dolph gets a headlock on Kofi to slow down the match and takes control. Swagger and Ziggler control the ref, which I’ve missed in tag matches. Swagger tags in, but Kofi’s struggling to get out of Swagger’s underhook hold. Swagger throws Kofi to Ziggler, who stomps Kofi behind the Ref’s back. Ziggler tags in, taunts Evan, and hits COCKY ELBOW for twooooo. Swagger tags in, Kofi tries go get to Evan under Swagger, but eats an Anklelock, quickly countered and DDT to Swagger. Evan and Swagger both gets tags, and Evan’s just FLYING around the ring. Kicks Swagger off the apron, KNEEEEEEES from the top rope and gets two. Evan with a standing moonsault for TWOOOOOOO. Swagger with an Anklelock, attacked by Kofi who eats a Zig Zag, and CHAOS. Swagger and Ziggler try an assisted Powerbomb on Evan from the top rope, but Evan counters the Powerbomb into a HURRICANRANA, Ziggler gets taken out of the ring by Kofi, and that’s ALL. So much action, it was hard to keep up. Excellent tag match.

Speaking of Excellent, recap of the Henry/Orton feud. Henry arrives and tests the integrity of the cage. Orton arrives in his usual manner. Loooooong entrance sequence for these two. Big match intros. Poor Scott Armstrong. He’s probably going to get a painful bump. Orton tries to take it to Henry in the early going. Henry blocks a cell spot, but is unsuccessful. Orton gets the advantage early and attacks Henry’s joints. Orton tries the second rope DDT but Henry headbutts out of the predicament. Outside, Henry focuses on Orton’s glass collarbones until Orton suckers Henry into the Ringpost. Orton jumps from the Apron riiiiiiiiiiiight into Henry’s arms and gets ragdolled from the Cell corners and into the ringpost. In the ring, RUNNING POWERSLAM gets twooooooooo. Henry headbutts Orton out of the ring, Orton gets overpowered and gets slammed to the outside. Henry unbuckles the top of the steel steps and rams Orton’s head on the side of the Cell. Henry tosses the steps to Orton, but Orton dodges. Geez. Orton tries fighting, but gets lawn darted to the side of the cell. Henry yells at Orton “Welcome to my Hell!” and rubs Orton’s face on the Cell. In the ring, Orton eats a SPLASH after an irish whip attempt and CHOCOLATE DROP gets two. Henry teases a World’s Strongest Slam, but KNEE instead, twice. And gets a two again. Henry tries a bear hug (since he weakened Orton’s back with the knee drops) but Orton fights out with headbutts…which just prompts Mark to ram Orton into the turnbuckle. Henry goes for another Bear Hug, and just RAGDOLLS Orton. Every time Orton tries some offense, Henry headbutts his shoulder to stop it. Orton finally punches his way out, but eats another headbutt and throws Orton outside. Henry drags Orton on top of the steps and attemps a World’s Strongest Slam off the steps but CLIMBS THE CELL and hits Henry with kicks to the face and DDT on the steel. Orton drives Henry to the ringpost and drags him in the ring. Thesz press on Henry. Orton drops Henry with the second-rope DDT and LOL VOICES. RKO, but HENRY KICKS OUT. HOLY SHIT. Orton then attempts the PUNT, but Henry counters it with a WORLD’S STRONGEST SLAM and Henry WINS. YES!

But Henry comes back in and grabs a steel chair from under the ring to induct Orton into the Hall of Pain. WSS drops Orton. Henry attempts a Pillmanization, but Orton gets his foot out of the way. Orton now has the chair and hits Henry in the back. Henry tries to get out of dodge, but Orton still has the chair. Gotta keep Orton strong, LOL. Henry kicks Orton in the gut and gets away.

Backstage, Josh Mathews is joined by ADR. He says this isn’t fair, and he shouldn’t be in this match. But he says he is vicious, and warns them that they’ll see a different Del Rio in the Cell.

WHOOOOOAAAAAA announces the arrival of YOUR INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION, Cody Rhodes. And the bag boys. Cody announces that there are many in New Orleans that need bagging. Cody puts the IC title in the paper bag and produced the CLASSIC Intercontinental belt (in white leather), and rattles off such names who held the belt (Steamboat, Bret, Macho and Stone Cold) and says he’ll defend it any time, any place…and Johnny Ace interrupts and as per orders of Triple H tells Cody he’ll be defending the belt RIGHT NOW…against John Morrison.

Cody’s gonna fight in a suit. JoMo tries a quick rollup for two. JoMo hits Cody with a shoulderblock and Cody gets out of the ring. JoMo goes after him, and tosses him in…and Cody gets out of the ring. Tremendous. JoMo goes after him, but Cody hugs the ringpost, BEGGING for a countout and Cody suckers JoMo into some nice offense. Cody hits JoMo in the face with his Gucci’s and takes advantage. Cody hits a Hardcore Holly-esque guillotine kick and an Alabama Slam attempt gets countered. FIGURE FOUR LEGLOCK (to Woos from the crowd) but JoMo grabs the rope. Cody continues attacking JoMo in the face, and JoMo tosses Cody into the turnbuckle, lays on some clotheslines and kicks, and C4 for TWOOOOOOOOo. Cody goes for CrossRhodes, but PELE KICK to the Acrylic Mask gets Cody down. Cody counters a JoMo springboard kick mistake into a rollup for THREE.

Backstage, Haitch and Ace find AwesomeTruth attacking AirBoom and threatens to fire Ace if this happens again as AwesomeTruth get dragged off.

The Divas of Doom arrive with the Demolition-esque shoulderpads and Beth looks ready to kick Kelly’s face off. I hope. Speaking of the female John Cena, she’s accompanied by Goddamn Eve. Kelly goes and hits two Thesz presses early and splashes Beth. Kelly tries for her airplane headscissors, but Beth counters into a SIDEWALK SLAM. Beth ties Kelly up into a TREE OF WOE and dropkicks Double K right in the implants. Beth gets KK into a Dragon Sleeper. Kelly rotates out of it, but Beth yanks her hair. Beth spanks the K’s, and arches her in a submission. Kelly escapes and tries a rollup for two. Beth with a NICE classic Slingshot Suplex for two. Beth goes for the Glam Slam, but gets countered into a sunset flip for two. Beth is ANGRY and starts brutalizing the K’s. Beth gets tied up on the ropes and eats a neckbreaker. Kelly tries another flip, COUNTER AFTER COUNTER. Kelly tries a backslide, but Beth backs Kelly to the corner. Beth tries a splash, but gets countered. Handspring back elbow hits Beth and Kelly tries a bulldog from the top rope for TWO. Nattie distracts the ref, Eve tries to attack her but eats a guard rail. Kelly gets caught in the Reverse Surfboard, but she gets to the rope. Nattie taunts her with the mic, HITS KELLY WITH THE MIC while the Ref’s back is turned and Kelly eats the GLAM SLAM and it’s OVER. Thank GOD. Oh, but Kelly’s getting a rematch. Eh. Anyway, GO BETH AND NATTIE.

AWESOME Vengeance ad with Mark Henry. And AWW SHUCKY DUCKY. Dat sound can only mean the Hell in a Cell is being lowered. Recap of the ADR/Cena/Punk feud. ADR is introduced by the incomparable Ricardo Rodriguez. IL PATRON, ALBERTOOOOOOO DEL RRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIOOOOOOOOOOOOO. The crowd chants for CM Punk and gets him. And yes, my lovelies, it is indeed Clobbering Time. And here comes Cena, to a lovely chorus of boos. And cheers from the girls and kids. Big Match Intros, of course. Hahaha, Ricardo’s locked out. Punk goes after ADR immediately, but ADR runs away. He gets in the ring and Cena goes after him and he runs again. Cena gets out to attack ADR, and ADR gets in but Punk intercepts. Finally, they get to ADR and push each other away to stomp Del Rio. Punk has had enough and rolls Cena up for two. Punk and Cena trade finish counters. Punk gets Cena out, ADR tries to sneak up on Punk, but Punk throws ADR to Cena, who tries an AA but Punk suicide dives the both of them. Punk gains control and grabs a chair from under the ring, but Cena attacks him. Punk gets away and taunts Cena but Del Rio pushes him into the side of the Cell. Del Rio and Cena go after the chair in the ring, it gets tossed out, and ADR gets another chair. He sets it up in the corner and Cena pummels Del Rio with the usual. He hits the powerbomb, five knuckle shuffle, AA attempt but Del Rio counters into a Cross Arm Breaker, Del Rio gets kicked in the face by Punk. Punk counters both Del Rio and Cena and drops them both for a nearfall on both of them. Punk tosses ADR outside and focuses on Cena. Punk goes for a TABLE, sets it up outside. He hits the running knee on Cena on the apron, but Cena throws him into the cell. ADR hits Cena out of nowhere with the chair. Del Rip backdrops Cena into the chair (which BUCKLED) and gets two. ADR mocks Cena in the corner and puts him in the tree of woe. Cena pulls himself up and Del Rio eats RINGPOST. Cena tries the Fameasser but Punk OUT OF NOWHERE tosses him off and gets some offense on ADR for a couple of pin attempts. Del Rio gets a clothesline out of nowhere and puts Punk in a headlock and gets the advantage. OUT OF NOWHERE, Cena hits the Fameasser on Del Rio and gets nearfalls on both Punk and ADR. Cena goes for the AA, but Del Rio hits Cena with the Back Cracker. Punk hits Del Rio with a kick, and Cena punishes Punk and everyone’s DOWN. Punk and Cena in the ring with a nice BOO YAY sequence. GTS attempt, but Del Rio hits Punk and Cena with the chair. ADR punishes Cena with the chair, sandwiches the chair between two and SENTON and now ADR gets nearfalls on both. Nice. ADR calls for the Cross Arm Breaker, but Punk tosses ADR into the stairs outside. Ow. In the ring, AA on Punk but ADR OUT OF NOWHERE saves the belt for himself. ADR hits Cena with the running Enziguiri for two. CROSS ARM BREAKER but Cena’s blocking it. Punk hits a springboard senton into Del Rio, who he kicks out of the ring. GO TO SLEEP, but ADR pulls Punk out and throws Punk over the stairs. Del Rio finds another chair and TOSSES it into Punk’s KNEEEEEE. Del Rio tries attacking Cena, INSIDE CRADLE for two and Del Rio kicks Cena out and tosses him around the Cell. Punk gets attacked but he gets some momentum and hits Del Rio with two quick clotheslines. He climbs to the top rope, hits the Macho Elbow RIGHT INTO DEL RIO for TWOOOOO. Cena out of nowhere with shoulder blocks and powerbomb. You can’t see me interrupted with KICK TO THE FACE and scoop suplex. Punk tries another Macho Elbow but GETS THROWN INTO THE TABLE by ADR. Cena gets ADR into the STF, but RICARDO KNOCKS THE REF OUT WITH THE STEEL POPE, GETS THE KEY FROM THE REF, gets AA’d by Cena, steel Pipe to Cena by ADR and HE LOCKS CENA OUT OF THE CELL. TREMENDOUS. Del Rio throws Punk in the ring, goes for a bridging German Suplex for two. Punk counters another German with a rollup. Punk tries a top rope move, but ADR hits Punk with a FLYING ENZIGUIRI for TWO. Del Rio counters a Cross Arm Breaker attempt with a nice flurry of offense. Punk Bulldogs ADR and Cena’s realized he’s knocked out. Flying clothesline by Punk for two. Cena’s trying to break the door. ADR hits Punk with the STEEL PIPE and taunts Cena. But Punk tries a GTS, PIPE TO THE STOMACH and ADR WINS THE CHAMPIONSHIP!

The Cell is raised, Cena attacks ADR, but HOLY SHIT AWESOMETRUTH are attacking Cena and the officials. Haitch and Johnny Ace try to get in, and the entire locker room tries breaking the Cell down. They can’t raise the Cell and AwesomeTruth are just assaulting EVERYONE including ADR and the Cameramen! They finally get the bolt cutters to cut the chain and AwesomeTruth…surrender to the cops immediately? Haitch ATTACKS the handcuffed AwesomeTruth and hits Johnny Ace for trying to interfere! They get Haitch away from AwesomeTruth and the duo get dragged backstage as the PPV ends.

Final Thoughts: CHAOS EVERYWHERE. I’m really digging what they’re doing with Miz and Truth. And don’t you forget that Laurinitis prevented the Cell from being raised. Mmmhmm.

Both Cell matches were tremendous, and both had pretty Smark-friendly winners. Mark getting the win is the right move right now and won in decisive fashion against Orton. Cena/Punk/ADR had an amazing finish with ADR and Ricardo outsmarting Cena out of the championship.

I wish the Christian/Sheamus feud ends tonight. I don’t care much for it.

I DID dig the Cara vs. Cara match, and it went off without much botching. Misticara benefits from someone who knows how to fight the Lucha style. I don’t think we’ve seen the last of Hunicara, however.

ZigSwag vs. AirBoom was pretty fun, but I’d like to see more Tag Teams for AirBoom to play with.

Beth finally wins the Divas Championship. I wonder what shenanigans Kelly and Eve will do in order to get the belt pack. Or if they can, anyway.

Cody and JoMo put on something entertaining, and BAH GAWD, the classic IC Belt. I missed that thing. They need to do that with the WWE Championship belt too while they’re at it. Have ADR come out tomorrow on Raw without the Spinner belt and have him bring back the Winged Eagle.

I’m excited for Raw. Haitch losing it and attacking two former employees and generally losing any semblance of control over WWE should be a nice impetus for the Law Offices of David Otunga to get Haitch out of the way so Johnny Ace can take over. And what of Nash? AwesomeTruth? The Kliq tweeting each other teasing the return of the nWo? Mick Foley working the Internet again? Punk and Cena’s rematch clauses? Oh, we’re heading into a loaded Vengeance build-up.