LAST WEEK, everyone walked out on Triple H. At least 55 people out of the roster. Except, SHOCKINGLY, the main event faces.
THIS WEEK, Raw starts with no announcers (GOD is it so good not to hear Michael Cole), panning the crowd, and SUDDENLY BACKSTAGE Triple H looks around an empty backstage area and WALKS TO THE RING. Motorhead proclaims it is time to play the game, and Haitch walks out to the ring with a mic. He says he showed up and the crowd showed up. He says he’s bewildered by the walkout. Haitch claimed they walked out on the fans, and they’re all outside holding a solidarity rally. Haitch says they’re all whiners, and they won’t perform for the fans unless he steps down. He asks the fans what to do. He says he’s never been a quitter. He won’t be intimidated, blackmailed, coerced and he will not quit. He won’t care if he’ll wrestle a broomstick for two hours if he has to. Come hell or high water, he’s going to give the fans Raw tonight.
OH BOY HERE COMES CENA. I still don’t care! He grabs a stick and tells Haitch there was a reason he wasn’t among the walkees. He says every one of those 55 contacted him, but Haitch didn’t. But he says Haitch is the Boss, and he’s staying because he loves the unsafe workplace and chaos. He is loyal to the fans and will stay on Raw. Sheamus arrives and reminds Haitch that two years ago, he was making a name for himself for attacking him. But Haitch took it like a man and beat him. Sheamus has a lot of respect for him, and came to be part of Raw. Punk arrives ARMED WITH A PIPE BOMB and says this is all his fault. He says he made walking out look cool, but says the guys in the parking lot got it wrong. He didn’t break his contract or his word, his contract expired and he was making a point to the entire company, not just one man. If anyone has a reason to leave WWE, it’s him. Someone doesn’t want Punk to be WWE Champion. But the ring is where problems are solved. Punk rattles off matches that are unsafe working enviroments (HiaC, Elimination Chamber), and when Punk had a problem with authority, he dealt with things personally. He’s the last guy these three expect to see in the foxhole, but asks, what do they do now? Haitch says they should do what they do and fight.
Haitch announces Cena vs. Sheamus RIGHT FUCKING NOW with him as the ref. And Haitch offers Punk his blazer and commentary position. And rings the bell. Awesome. Cena and Sheamus have a pretty standard match when WAIT A FUCKING MINUTE THAT’S VINCE MCMAHON. He apologizes for interrupting the match but he needs to talk to Haitch. He thanks Punk, Cena and Sheamus, Haitch and everyone outside for standing up to what they believe in. He says he believes in Haitch and he enjoys Raw watching at home, the Board of Directors say they’re behind the walkout and they’re worried about the financial wellbeing of the company. Vince says the same thing Haitch did to him so many monthsd ago and apparently no-one from the McMahon family will run Raw. They say the Board is looking for a new permanent General Manager for Raw, but the interim GM for Raw is…OF COURSE, IT’S JOHNNY ACE! THE PLOT THICKENS.
Backstage, Johnny Ace welcomes everyone back. JoMo says Haitch is a narcissist, but Ace SUCKS. Christian sucks up to him and is coerced into being JoMo’s opponent. In the ring, JR, King and OH GOD WHY COLE arrive to call that match. Anyway, JoMo arrives in streetclothes and so does Christian…AND THE NEW COALITION, with Zig Swag and Cody. Christian takes advantage early and makes a mistake which JoMo capitalizes on. JoMo throws Chistian off the top rope, tries a Starship Pain but eats a Spear for THREEEEEEEE. The coalition hit their finishers on JoMo. Yeah, that’s what you get for wanting your contract to expire. Dohoho. Anyhoo, Ace has announced backstage that Punk vs. Del Rio is on, and so is Orton vs. Henry…which is NEXT.
Backstage, JOHNNY ACE IS ON THE PHONE…with his wife. Interrupted by Haitch! He says he’s loyal and he’s ready to make the sacrifices. Haitch simply asks Ace if he’s ever picked up his teeth with broken fingers.
AND HERE COMES HENRY. He grabs the stick and tells the production monkeys to run the footage from SD last week. Henry says he took all of Show’s punishment and he’s still here. And at Vengeance, Vengeance is his. Bur Orton arrives and says Vengeance is HIS. In the most boring way possible. Orton suckers Henry into the turnbuckle and dropkicks him. Orton tries KNEEEES but Henry moves away and drags Orton to the top turnbuckle. Orton gets SWATTED to the outside. Henry drags Orton in and hits the powerslam for TWOOOO. Henry goes for a legdrop but Orton moves out of the way. Orton finally hits the knee, clotheslines Henry and hits the second-rope DDT. Orton teases the RKO. Cody interrupts and DQ! Orton vs. Rhodes? I LIKE THIS. Orton tries hitting the RKO on Cody, but Cody pushes him into Henry’s WORLD’S STRONGEST SLAM. Henry hits it AGAIN and demands his championship. And leaves Cody to hit CROSSRHODES. He calls for a BAG BOY and BAGS THE SHIT OUT OF ORTON. “Cut the head off the Viper and the Venom goes with it” Cody says, and quips ”Would you like a receipt with your paper bag?” TREMENDOUS.
Kelly and Eve vs. Tamina and Rosa. Yep. Kelly yells like she’s being murdered. Jesus. Tamina manages to get some offense in until Kelly tags Eve in and she hits an unconvincing clothesline. Back in the ring, Tamina eats a kick from Eve, hits a shitty moonsault, and that is mercifully that. Backstage, the Divas of Doom LOOK ON. And HORY SHIET HERE COMES JOHNNY ACE.
He announces that Del Rio will defend the belt against John Cena at Vengeance. He says he’s a moral and ethical man, and he’s going to do the moral and ethical thing. He invites Jim Ross to enter the ring, and claims that by walking out on Haitch last week, and in his book, this makes Ross an ingrate. As the Executive VP and interim GM, he fires Jim Ross. FAKKEN BOOLSHEET. SHUT UP, COLE.
HERE COMES BATIS…uhh…MASON RYAN. And his teammates are AirBoom with NEW MUSIC. I kind of like it. Zig Swag and Otunga are their opponents. Evan starts out with Dolph. With KICKS. Tags Kofi in quickly and they DOUBLE DROPKICK Dolph in the corner for two. Dolph runs out of the ring, but gets tossed back in by Ryan. Kofi throws him back out, tags in Evan and SPLASH to Dolph on the outside. Swagger tagged in sometime in the commercial break and Ryan actually manhandles SWAGGER of all people and ties him into a TREE OF WOE in their corner. Kofi tags in and tries an aerial maneuver but Swagger gives Kofi the SPLITS. Otunga tags in and is boring until Dolph tags in. Ziggler with a TREMENDOUS dropkick to Kofi and tags in Swagger, who eats a FACEPLANT from Kofi, who tags the big man Ryan in, who runs Ziggler down and gets a TWOOOOOOO. Otunga breaks the count, Kofi hit Otunga, Swagger hit Kofi, Evan tries the KNEES but gets countered into a HUUUUUUGE POWERBOMB, Ryan clotheslines Swagger out of the ring and hits his finisher on Ziggler for the win, but Evan looks injured from the powerbomb. Hopefully it’s not serious.
Brodus Clay video package is selling me on him more than the constant squashes on Superstars and his entire tenure on NXT. OH BOY, a trailer for Cena’s new movie. Ricardo Rodriguez introduces EL PATRON, who arrives in a beautiful dark red BMW (worth $100,000), and yes, IT IS CLOBBERING TIME as Punk arrives. Punk chants fill the arena as the two lock up. Del Rio goes to work on Punk’s arm early, but Punk stomps the SHIT out of ADR. He gets of the ring and goads Del Rio to get back in. Del Rio gets the advantage and DROPKICK TO THE BACK. Punk counters with a backdrop for two. He catches Del Rio in a scissor headlock and MMA elbows to the face for TWOOOO. Del Rio suckers Punk to the corner and Punk spills out the ring as Johnny Ace STOPS THIS MATCH…because it’s now going to be a tag team match with Punk and Del Rio against two people he’s reinstated, AWESOMETRUTH. With their awesome entrance theme. I missed you so, awesome entrance theme.
And now people are actually cheering ADR after he kicks Miz out of the corner with an enziguiri but Truth takes advantage. Tags in Miz who keeps ADR away from Punk, but ADR telegraphed that, tags Punk in, who STOMPS THE SHIT out of Miz. Russian Legsweep gets two. Miz gets out of it and tags Truth in, who gets tripped and Punk punches the shit out of Truth, and tags in ADR. He dropkicks Truth for TWOOOOOOO. Truth gets out of a headlock by Del Rio, and tags in Miz. Del Rio apparently tweaks his hamstring and tags in Punk. ADR and Ricardo gets his “leg checked out” and Punk is on his own. Knees to Miz countered with a kick to the back by Truth behind the ref’s back and DDT on Punk for two. Truth tags in and Punk covers up from Truth’s offense. Truth puts Punk in a grapevine headlock, gets out but Truth regains control, tags in Miz and they hit a double shoulderblock for two. Miz with PUNCHES and Truth chokes Punk out behind the ref’s back. Punk tries fighting out of the corner, hits the KNEE+BULLDOG COMBO with CLOTHESLINE TO TRUTH. Top rope and Punk hits the MACHO ELBOW and calls for GTS, but Truth gets in and…yep, that’s a DQ and HERE COMES HAITCH, attacking Miz and Truth. Punk and Haitch clear the ring, with Haitch assaulting Miz an Punk on Truth. Punk throws Truth over the table, but Truth runs out through the crowd. Punk and Haitch stand tall in the ring.
BACKSTAGE, Johnny Ace and Otunga scheme for Haitch and Punk vs. AwesomeTruth for Vengeance. Punk and Haitch actually shake hands, and pander to the crowd as Raw ends.
Final Thoughts: Predictable move by the board to get John Laurinitis in a position of power. I’m not quite sure what he’ll bring to the table, but since this was his endgame all along, I wonder what crap he’ll put Haitch and Punk through at Vengeance.
Cena, predictably, is the company man in the beginning. I’m pleasantly surprised he didn’t show up for the rest of the show.
JoMo vs. Christian was just…there. Morrison’s been jobber to the stars lately, and with the end of his contract apparently looming, it makes sense.
Henry vs. Orton was by-the-numbers. If you’ve watched their matches, you knew what to expect. But I LOVE the Cody interference and mini-promo at the end. I still question Smackdown being on Raw, but seeing the pathetic half-empty arenas the brand’s been attracting…
Ugh, that Diva’s match. Ugh.
The 6-Man Tag was fun, but…that time could have been better spent with a regular tag match to promote the burgeoning tag division.
The main event was pretty fun until John Laryngitis arrived and pulled a Teddy Long on Punk and ADR. I missed AwesomeTruth, but eh…I’d rather have seen a Punk/ADR one-on-one match. It’s just a set-up for Haitch to run in at the end anyway.
I’m intrigued, but ugh…I don’t need Haitch on my screen wrestling. He was a great authority figure, but even then, he takes up waaaaaaaay too much screentime. With him wrestling again, yikes.