So…we start with John Laryngitis and TEDDEH, and they announce a clusterfuck 41-man Battle Royal with the winner facing whoever champ he wants and…let’s face it, this is just a bullshit excuse to keep Orton strong so let’s just skip it. Orton vs. Henry is set up for later tonight.
Apparently Smackdown has overtaken Gunsmoke in episodes. Anyway, backstage Del Rio is getting ready to leave because Orton chose Henry. Teddy puts him in a match with Sheamus anyway.
The Sisters of Salvation have arrived in Red and Pink and spiky black. Kelly (in a pandering Dallas jersey) and Eve arrive to kiss up to the crowd. This is just to highlight Kelly’s new aggressiveness, but her headscissors gets lovingly sidewalk slammed by Beth. The K’s eat a shockingly quick Glam Slam (considering how much offense Kelly has had in this entire goddamn feud) for the three, and all is right with the world.
We’re treated to a new, different edit of Sin Cara’s theme as BACKSTAGE, BLACK SIN CARA attacks the shit out of Blue Sin Cara and steals his mask…and WEARS IT. Justin Gabriel arrives with his generic theme…and Hunicara’s new epic Evil theme song arrives with Hunicara-with-Misticara’s-mask in tow. Hunicara dropkicks Gabriel from midair, which is NICE. Gabriel counters a headscissors into a falling powerbomb, but gets taken out of the top rope 450 Splash attempt and Hunicara hits the Swanton Bomb for the win. Geez, these matches are fast.
BACKSTAGE, Air Boom is being told Evan Bourne can’t wrestle tonight because of his welfare. Vickie says she wants a tag title match for Zig Swag. ZACK RYDER suggests he sub for Evan, TEDDEH makes it official because of his insane addiction to Tag Team Matches.
But anyway, Ricardo Rodriguez introduces EL PATRON (in a swank black $280,000 Audi R8) and HERE COMES MAYO…I mean SHEAMUS. Welcome to a clash in styles. EL PATRON eats the chest punches and a shitty short clotshesline for one. Sheamus eats a missile dropkick from ADR and he focuses on Sheamus’ arm. Sheamus gets out due to CLUBBING BLOWS and CLUBBING DOUBLE ARM CLOTHESLINES and a CLUBBING…uhh…scoop slam. Irish Curse backbreaker earns Sheamus two. Ricardo blocks the top rope shoulderblock and while he distracted the ref, CHRISTIAN FROM OUT OF NOWHERE pulls Sheamus’ legs out from under him, leaving him open for EL KICK TO THE FACE x2 for three. Christian finally gets in the ring and hits TWO SPEARS on an already…umm…selling Sheamus.
Vickie Guerrero brings Zig Swag out with nuclear heat. Kofi arrives with Evan with his old theme song. New WWWYKI intro for Zack Ryder’s theme. TREMENDOUS. And he’s filming Z!TLIS, of course. Zack starts out with Swagger and he hits a FACEPLANT, which gets responded to with BELLEH TO BELLEH. Ziggler tags in and hits a Neckbreaker for two. I love how Ziggler and Ryder have continued their feud on the Internet. Zack tags Kofi in and hits the BOOM DROP and calls Trouble in Paradise until Swagger gets Ziggler out of the ring…which is followed by a FLYING KOFI. Unfortunately, back from commercial, Ziggler has control of Kofi until he fights out of an armlock. Ziggler hits a leg lariat (HEY!) for two and tags Swagger in. Kofi stomps Swagger’s foot, but gets taken to the corner turnbuckle. Swagger gets SLAPPED from the top and hits a Tornado DDT! HOT TAG to Ryder and Ziggler and Zack is on FIRE and hits the BROSKI BOOT for TWO #areyouseriousbro. Ziggler hits Ryder on the chin, and Ryder counters with KNEES and a ROUGH RYDER attempt countered into a SLEEPER HOLD. Zack is fading fast, but he desperately counters Ziggler into the ringpost. Swagger runs in and TAKES KOFI OUT. Kofi gets back in and TROUBLE IN PARADISE on Ziggler while the Ref is distracted with Swagger, rolls Ryder on top of Ziggler and that’s it. Air Broskis celebrate in the ring. WWWYKI!
BACKSTAGE, Matt Striker interviews Sheamus, and he regales us about a troll in Ireland who bites people in the arse until a great white bull threw the troll off the bridge. He promises to boot Christian’s skull off. We’re treated to a recap of Big Show’s return. Mark Henry arrives to kick ass and split wigs. Orton arrives to bore the shit out of me. Yes, this is the same fucking match we’ve seen for months. Cody costs Orton the championship after knocking Henry down with a dropkick. Rhodes causes the DQ and after a mini-beatdown, attempts to bag Orton but BIG SHOW ARRIVES to knock Henry down, throw Cody into an RKO from Randy, and chokeslams Henry. Show and Randy brofist in the ring and dear god Orton bores me.
Final Thoughts: I’m so tired of Orton. He’s Smackdown’s Cena, but he doesn’t have awesome faces like Punk surrounding him to minimize his air time. Big Show ain’t cutting it. But at least he’s going to work with Cody Rhodes, who has been improving since before Wrestlemania so it won’t be as bad.
The quick Divas and Sin Cara match don’t help this show.
ZigSwag vs. Air Broskis was pretty good but it can’t save the Orton show.