WWE Smackdown Holiday Special, 11/29/2011

LAST WEEK: WWE teased a Daniel Bryan title run, and Teddy Long took it away. But then he won a title opportunity…

THIS WEEK: FOR TONIGHT! And MICK FOLEY HAS ARRIVED in a Santa Suit! Foley says it might be a month away from Christmas, but he is a Christmas fanatic. He welcomes us to this special Smackdown Live Holiday event RIGHT HERE IN CHARLOTTE, NORTH CAROLINA. And in St. Mick’s bag of goodies? Daniel Bryan vs. Mark Henry for the WHC in a STEEL CAGE. Also for tonight, A Miracle on 34th Street Fight, an All I Want For Christmas Over The Top Rope Battle Royal (winner gets their special wish granted by Santa Claus). Sadly, Michael Cole is here despite Mick’s best efforts (due to lawyers) BUT the lawyers didn’t dictate how Cole would dress. So Mick brings out Cole, in a REINDEER OUTFIT. Cole’s not happy. Mathews is dressed as an elf. And Mick brings out Booker T, who is in full Santa regalia! Booker doesn’t look happy. Mick says he wants to be all-inclusive and requests Booker spin around like a Dreidel, who complies while the Dreidel song plays in the background. Glorious. But Booker can dig the holiday spirit…until Cody Rhodes arrives (with awesome new music).

Rhodes says in the past, he’d allow this to go on, but he’s not bound by the mask anymore. He sees in the ring a lowly announcer making a fool of him and taking time from people like him who still has the skills. Booker says he has no beef with Cody, but don’t think for a minute that Booker doesn’t still have it. Cody says Booker is a liar and he DOES have a beef with Cody. Cody thinks Booker can’t hold a new title. Foley interrupts and says Cody is ruining his spirit. Foley books a Cody/Booker match for later, and starts things off with a Divas match.

Foley explains the match is a Mistletoe-on-a-Pole match. Whoever wins, can cash the Mistletoe to cash it in until Christmas. And Brie wins the match. But what does she win? The opportunity to kiss any Superstar of her choice from now till Christmas. I’m gonna guess she’ll cash in on Alberto.

Back from commercial, the long-lost Justin Gabriel arrives via Jobber entrance. AND HERE COMES JINDER MAHAL and no-one cares. He says Christmas is what’s wrong with this country, using money they don’t have to buy gifts for people they barely stand, to mask the insecurities and contempt for each other. Mahal says we’re all living a lie. Mahal starts off with a knee lift to Gabriel, pops a double underhook suplex and suplexes Gabriel on the ropes. He chokes Gabriel out on the ropes AND HERE COMES TED DIBIASE with a bag and gives out WWE Action Figures at ringside. Mahal gets distracted and KICKTOTHEFACE, 450 Splash and that’s it for Jinder.

BACKSTAGE, the Usos try teaching Mick the Siva Tau. Roddy Piper says he wants a new Straitjacket…and Mick leaves. Hornswoggle hands out Eggnog which Maxine refuses and HERE COMES DUSTY RHODES and Hornswoggle refuses Dusty’s gift of a picture of Lady Gaga eating a corned-beef sandwich and GOLDUST ARRIVES to say hi to his dad and both of them notice how weird people are backstage. Mick continues talking about how the Usos cried so much about one of the times Rikishi was busted open. Roddy talks to Trent Barretta about the fine art of using eye drops as laxatives and David Otunga, ever the spoilsport, recommends Trent not do that, as it is in direct violation of the WWE Rulebook. He calls for attention and says he has a message from Johnny Ace and he says to use Christmas Songs that are in the public domain, but recommends to shut the party down right now anyway. Foley says since Otunga is a Smackdown talent, he can put him in the Miracle on 34th Street Fight. Roddy Piper is excited about this for some reason. And Otunga’s opponent? Randy Orton. Oh boy.

BUT NEVERMIND THAT SHIT, THAT KANE RESURRECTED PROMO AIRED AGAIN.

They recap Cody throwing water on Booker’s face two weeks back. Backstage, ELF STRIKER interviews Booker, who gets assaulted by Cody, hitting Booker in the arm with the title. IN THE RING WITH JOBBER ENTRANCE is Tyson Kidd and here comes Kofi still sans Evan. They announce that due to the assault on Booker, the Cody/Booker match won’t happen. Kidd actually gets some offense, hits an elbow and gets two. Tyson gets a dragon sleeper on Kofi, then turns around into a headlock. Irish whip and both guys clothesline each other and Kofi gets his comeback. BOOM DROP and calls for Trouble in Paradise, but Tyson rolls outside. Tyson goes for a clothesline, but Kofi hits a dropkick on the outside. Kofi insults Cole and takes the Rudolph hat off. Tyson tries to attack from from behind and gets tossed back in the ring. Kofi wears the Rudolph hat and nose and hits a huge crossbody and that’s it. REINDEERS CAN FLY~

BACKSTAGE, Hornswoggle is trying to put an ornament on the tree, and Kaitlyn tells him to ask Santa to be taller this year. Teddy and Sheamus watch him storm off, and Sheamus asks what the All I Want For Christmas Battle Royal’s prize is. Teddy says only Foley knows, but it should be worth it. SOFTCORE PORN MUSIC HAILS THE ARRIVAL OF AKSANA and asks Sheamus to leave them alone. Aksana says they didn’t get parties in Lithuania, just new shovels. She asks about the Mistletoe tradition, and Teddy says to do what comes naturally. Teddy moves in for the kiss but Aksana eats the Mistletoe. Uhh.

Backstage, RANDY WALKS. And he enters the arena, and the crowd is still dead. Ugh. And here comes Otunga. Yeah, this is a squash. Orton tosses Otunga into two small Christmas trees. Otunga actually gets some offensw with shoulderblocks to the ring apron. He takes some Christmas Cookies, eats one, then waffles Otunga in the back with the pan. Then throws Otunga to the third tree. Otunga takes andvantage and throws Randy to the steps, then suplex to the concrete. Otunga grabs a candy striped kendo stick from under the ring, but Orton counters with a spear and hits Otunga with the cane. Otunga tries to get away but Randy manages to get Otunga in the head with one of the gift boxes. On the stage. Orton throws Otunga to the Christmas Trees. Orton tosses Otunga to the ring, and HANGING DDT FROM THE APRON TO THE CONCRETE but HERE COMES WADE and throws Orton to the ringpost, BIG BOOT and tosses Otunga in the ring. Otunga crawls and gets two on Orton. Otunga ambushes Orton in the corner, but Orton counters an irish whip with FIVE MOVES OF DOOM. CLOTHESLONE CLOTHESLINE SCOOP SLAM TAUNT RKO and Otunga’s done.

BACKSTAGE, Henry is angry because he’s defending his title while he’s injured, but he’s in the spirit of giving. Giving Daniel Bryan the beating of his life.

In the ring, there are a lot of people for the All I Want For Christmas Battle Royale. Hunico and Sheamus get entrances. And oh god why is Hornswoggle here? He’s in this? Why? He’s going to win this, isn’t he. Anyway, he goes under the ring and BRAWL. Order of tossage: Darren Young, Jimmy Uso, JTG, Curt Hawkins, Ezekiel Jackson, Johnny Curtis, Jey Uso, Kofi Kingston, Yoshi Tatsu, Ted DiBiase, Tyson Kidd, Percy Watson (During the break), Justin Gabriel, Titus O’Neil, Tyler Rex, Hunico, Jinder Mahal and Heath Slater. Sheamus and Hornswoggle are the last two. Sheamus and Hornswoggle each tell each other to go out of the ring. Sheamus tries tossing Jornswoggle out, but he hangs on from the top rope. They get on the apron and Sheamus tells Hornswoggle to get down. They negotiate a bit and Hornswoggle pushes Sheamus down. SHEAMUS IS ANGRY…at first, but congratulates Hornswoggle. So what is he going to wish for?

BACKSTAGE SHENANIGANS, The Bellas tell Ricardo to get them sone Eggnog. Dusty and Piper talks about Cena, and SANTA IS HERE and Hornswoggle’s wish is to talk normally. After a hug from Santa, he can talk. Twins (The Bellas), The Tree, Grandma…wait, that’s Vickie. EXCUSE ME. Foley asks why Hornswoggle can talk, SANTA DISAPPEARS and Dream and Piper toss their eggnog back in the bowl as Goldust declares this a Christmas Miracle.

ALSO BACKSTAGE. Daniel Bryan prepares for his big match. AJ kisses him for luck, and Matt Striker interviews him. Bryan says holding the belt is the greatest feeling in the world. Bryan knows Henry isn’t 100%, and sooner or later, everyone taps. Striker wishes him luck.

Bryan enters the cage, and here comes Henry. They play up that you can win the championship via Submission in the cage. Our ref is Lil’ Naitch, and AWW SHUCKY DUCKY HERE WE GO. Big match intros. Bryan quickly tries escaping, but Henry catches him. Bryan kicks the bum leg, but Henry pushes him off. Henry continues working the leg, but Henry tosses Bryan into the side of the cage. Bryan get squished by Henry. Back from the break, Henry vices Bryan’s shoulder. Bryan kicks his way out of it but he runs into a clothesline by Henry. Henry yells for the cage door to be opened, but Bryan hits a dropkick. Henry counters with a clotheline, and gets two. Open door, but Bryan hangs on to the injured ankle. CHOP BLOCK gets Henry down. Bryan stomps on the ankle and BRYAN TRIES ESCAPING THE CAGE but Henry grabs Bryan and hangs him up on the ropes and hits a clothesline. Bryan STILL hangs on to the ankle and gets kneelifted and clotheslined again. Henry grabs his leg in pain and gets Henry up for a World’s Strongest Slam, but DROPKICK TO THE LEG. LEBELL LOCK LOCKED IN but Henry’s way too big and tries slamming Bryan, but BRYAN GETS THE ANKLELOCK IN. Henry kicks Bryan off. While Henry’s down, Bryan tries to escape, Henry drags Bryan down. Henry tries CLIMBING THE CAGE but Bryan CLIMBS OVER HENRY. Henry grabs Bryan’s arm, but Bryan counters with a headbutt. Bryan tries a hurricanrana, but CLIMBS OVER HENRY but Henry grabs Bryan’s arm again. Henry headbutts, gets Bryan in the WSS position and HITS IT FROM THE SECOND ROPE and that’s it.

Final Thoughts: My God, was this crowd dead. The Divas Match was…eh, as usual.

The Mahal/DiBiase feud continues and no-one cares.

Otunga/Orton was what it was.

The Battle Royal was just a setup to get Hornswoggle to talk and get Sheamus over as a babyface, as usual.

Backstage insanity segments are always fun. Goldust steals the show once again.

And THAT MAIN EVENT. Bryan tried his very best but one mistake ended it. Great main event and it finally woke the crowd up before killing them again with the ending. We all knew Bryan wouldn’t win, but did you hear that reaction with his almost-escapes, LeBell Lock and the Ankle Lock? They just need to push Bryan more and he’ll be huge.

WWE Friday Night Smackdown, 10/14/2011

So…we start with John Laryngitis and TEDDEH, and they announce a clusterfuck 41-man Battle Royal with the winner facing whoever champ he wants and…let’s face it, this is just a bullshit excuse to keep Orton strong so let’s just skip it. Orton vs. Henry is set up for later tonight.

Apparently Smackdown has overtaken Gunsmoke in episodes. Anyway, backstage Del Rio is getting ready to leave because Orton chose Henry. Teddy puts him in a match with Sheamus anyway.

The Sisters of Salvation have arrived in Red and Pink and spiky black. Kelly (in a pandering Dallas jersey) and Eve arrive to kiss up to the crowd. This is just to highlight Kelly’s new aggressiveness, but her headscissors gets lovingly sidewalk slammed by Beth. The K’s eat a shockingly quick Glam Slam (considering how much offense Kelly has had in this entire goddamn feud) for the three, and all is right with the world.

We’re treated to a new, different edit of Sin Cara’s theme as BACKSTAGE, BLACK SIN CARA attacks the shit out of Blue Sin Cara and steals his mask…and WEARS IT. Justin Gabriel arrives with his generic theme…and Hunicara’s new epic Evil theme song arrives with Hunicara-with-Misticara’s-mask in tow. Hunicara dropkicks Gabriel from midair, which is NICE. Gabriel counters a headscissors into a falling powerbomb, but gets taken out of the top rope 450 Splash attempt and Hunicara hits the Swanton Bomb for the win. Geez, these matches are fast.

BACKSTAGE, Air Boom is being told Evan Bourne can’t wrestle tonight because of his welfare. Vickie says she wants a tag title match for Zig Swag. ZACK RYDER suggests he sub for Evan, TEDDEH makes it official because of his insane addiction to Tag Team Matches.

But anyway, Ricardo Rodriguez introduces EL PATRON (in a swank black $280,000 Audi R8) and HERE COMES MAYO…I mean SHEAMUS. Welcome to a clash in styles. EL PATRON eats the chest punches and a shitty short clotshesline for one. Sheamus eats a missile dropkick from ADR and he focuses on Sheamus’ arm. Sheamus gets out due to CLUBBING BLOWS and CLUBBING DOUBLE ARM CLOTHESLINES and a CLUBBING…uhh…scoop slam. Irish Curse backbreaker earns Sheamus two. Ricardo blocks the top rope shoulderblock and while he distracted the ref, CHRISTIAN FROM OUT OF NOWHERE pulls Sheamus’ legs out from under him, leaving him open for EL KICK TO THE FACE x2 for three. Christian finally gets in the ring and hits TWO SPEARS on an already…umm…selling Sheamus.

Vickie Guerrero brings Zig Swag out with nuclear heat. Kofi arrives with Evan with his old theme song. New WWWYKI intro for Zack Ryder’s theme. TREMENDOUS. And he’s filming Z!TLIS, of course. Zack starts out with Swagger and he hits a FACEPLANT, which gets responded to with BELLEH TO BELLEH. Ziggler tags in and hits a Neckbreaker for two. I love how Ziggler and Ryder have continued their feud on the Internet. Zack tags Kofi in and hits the BOOM DROP and calls Trouble in Paradise until Swagger gets Ziggler out of the ring…which is followed by a FLYING KOFI. Unfortunately, back from commercial, Ziggler has control of Kofi until he fights out of an armlock. Ziggler hits a leg lariat (HEY!) for two and tags Swagger in. Kofi stomps Swagger’s foot, but gets taken to the corner turnbuckle. Swagger gets SLAPPED from the top and hits a Tornado DDT! HOT TAG to Ryder and Ziggler and Zack is on FIRE and hits the BROSKI BOOT for TWO #areyouseriousbro. Ziggler hits Ryder on the chin, and Ryder counters with KNEES and a ROUGH RYDER attempt countered into a SLEEPER HOLD. Zack is fading fast, but he desperately counters Ziggler into the ringpost. Swagger runs in and TAKES KOFI OUT. Kofi gets back in and TROUBLE IN PARADISE on Ziggler while the Ref is distracted with Swagger, rolls Ryder on top of Ziggler and that’s it. Air Broskis celebrate in the ring. WWWYKI!

BACKSTAGE, Matt Striker interviews Sheamus, and he regales us about a troll in Ireland who bites people in the arse until a great white bull threw the troll off the bridge. He promises to boot Christian’s skull off. We’re treated to a recap of Big Show’s return. Mark Henry arrives to kick ass and split wigs. Orton arrives to bore the shit out of me. Yes, this is the same fucking match we’ve seen for months. Cody costs Orton the championship after knocking Henry down with a dropkick. Rhodes causes the DQ and after a mini-beatdown, attempts to bag Orton but BIG SHOW ARRIVES to knock Henry down, throw Cody into an RKO from Randy, and chokeslams Henry. Show and Randy brofist in the ring and dear god Orton bores me.

Final Thoughts: I’m so tired of Orton. He’s Smackdown’s Cena, but he doesn’t have awesome faces like Punk surrounding him to minimize his air time. Big Show ain’t cutting it. But at least he’s going to work with Cody Rhodes, who has been improving since before Wrestlemania so it won’t be as bad.

The quick Divas and Sin Cara match don’t help this show.

ZigSwag vs. Air Broskis was pretty good but it can’t save the Orton show.

WWE Friday Night Smackdown, 9/30/2011

We actually start off cold on Smackdown with OH MAH GOODNESS Booker T coming out to interview Mean Mark Henry. Sheamus vs. Cody is announced for tonight FOR THE INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP and as per Triple H’s orders from Monday, yet another Orton/Christian match. Booker introduces YOUR WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION, Mark Henry. Booker says he was one of the first to congratulate Mark when he won the championship, and as a 6-time world champ himself, he knows how hard it is to get there. Booker offers a handshake of congratulations, which Mark refuses. Mark then says that Booker’s implying he’s six times better than him. Mark asks how can Booker kiss his ass AND insult him in the same sentence? Which of course Booker denies. Mark threatens to WSS Booker anyway, but he’s not out there for Booker, he’s there for Orton, and he wants to deliver a message: NoC was about the WHC. But at HiaC, the full induction to the Hall of Pain will occur. He says Kane, Big Show and Jerry Lawler’s heads are mounted on his wall, but Orton has a special place, right above his mantle. Booker asks if Mark knows how much influence he has over the WWE Universe…but Henry reminds Booker that for 15 years, he’s been on the straight and narrow and it got him nowhere. This is about domination, and Henry will be the most dominant WHC in history. Henry claims Orton can’t beat him, just like Khali won’t beat him tonight. He demands that Khali come out and Booker leaves the ring. Tremendous interview segment.

Khali comes out and yeah…he’s getting squashed. Khali’s actually getting SOME offense with a couple Khali chops finally brining Henry down. But Henry CARRIES KHALI TO THE CORNER and brutalizes him. Henry drags Khali to the middle of the ring and CHOCOLATE DROP x2 for the two! Henry looks angry, but that moment of hesitation is seized by Khali with a two-handed goozle signaling for the Tree Chokeslam but Henry kicks out of it, hits the World’s Strongest Slam and it’s OVER. Oh, but Mark’s not done yet. He grabs a chair and PILLMANIZES Khali’s leg. Henry walks out with the title. TREMENDOUS.

Backstage, Teddy Long is with Khali, who gets taken to the Local Medical Facility™ but Jinder Mahal yells at him for a little bit before TEDDEH steps in and sends him away. Anyway, here comes AirBoom, and Evan Bourne is gonna be in action. Huge hometown reaction for Bourne, and he’s up against Jack Swagger…who for some reason comes out to Ziggler’s music. Well, at least Ziggler’s there too. Wait…didn’t I watch these two have a months-long feud? Geez. Anyway, Swagger tries a Vaderbomb but eats Evan’s boots, followed up by a dropkick. KNEEEES gets a two-count and Vickie’s angry and gets on the apron, distracting the Ref. Ziggler hangs Evan up (like Swagger did for Dolph on Monday) and Swagger hits the Gutwrench Powerbomb for…COUNTER! Kofi intercepts Ziggler, which distracts the Ref, too, allowing Vickie to push off Evan’s Shooting Star Press attempt and the Anklelock by Swagger ends it. Could we see a SwaggLer tag team? Oh I’d Love it.

Sin Cara vs. Sin Cara is announced for HiaC, but WHICH SIN CARA IS THIS? This one has hair coming out the back, so I’m guessing this is Hunicara. And he’s up against Heath Slater and his horrible entrance music. AWESOME KICK from the outside to Slater inside followed up by a Swanton Bomb for three. Wait, that’s it?!

BUT. On the Titantron! Sin Cara takes off his mask to reveal…ANOTHER Mask! This time Black with Red Trim and White. This one says the other Cara stole his identity as Mistico, and this time it’s his turn. This Sunday, we’ll find out who is worthy of the name. Recap from Monday about the IC Title match and Christian’s distraction.

Another recap, this time of the COO/lawsuit angle from Monday. Backstage, Johnny Ace, Otunga, Vickie, Dolph, Swagger, Christian and Cody discuss the lawsuit. Ace says he can’t contact Haitch. Monday, STUFF WILL HAPPEN.

Oh Boy, here’s John Cena Kelly Kelly. In the ring, Natalya gets the Jobber intro. Ugh. Beth is on commentary. Nattie hits wonderful power moves on Kelly and gets the advantage early on, but a sudden sunset flip and LOL KELLY WINS. Beth gets up from commentary and runs Kelly over and hits her with a GLAM SLAM and Nattie locks in the Reverse Surfboard submission. Beth says Kelly’s screams of pain will be what the fans will hear when Beth wins the championship from the “Underserving Barbie Doll”. Nice.

Here comes Cody and the Bag Boys, and complains about WWE Management to force him to defend the championship twice this week. He’s going to defend the title under protest. And HERE COMES THE HUMAN JAR OF MAYONNAISE THE GREAT WHITE SHEAMUS. I still love how some fans actually put the paper bags on. Anyway, Cody is actually getting offense in. Sheamus then turns things around and BRUTALIZES Cody. Sheamus tries the chest punches but Cody counters with an elbow. Sheamus softens him up just a tiny bit and tries the chest punches successfully this time. Rhodes counters with a masked headbutt and an arm wrench. BEAUTIFUL DISASTER nets Cody a two. More mask headbutts! Sheamus gets out of the corner with kicks, but Cody keeps the advantage and keeps ups the attack of the left arm Cody wrenched earlier in the match. Excellent arm hold on Sheamus keeps him down for quite awhile until Sheamus tries grabbing the mask, causing Cody to try to throw him into the ringpost, but countered. Sheamus with a nice flurry of offense. Sheamus hits his flying shoulderblock for TWOOOOOOOO. Sheamus calls for the Brogue Kick, but Cody ducks, tries for Beautiful Disaster, but eats DOUBLE AXE HANDLE right in the…mask. Sheamus calls for the Celtic Cross, but Christian runs in for the DQ, hits Sheamus with the Killswitch.

NEVERMIND THAT SHIT, HERE’S ZACK RYDER. WWWKYI! He’s up against JTG this week on Zackdown. Yeah, Zack’s a full-fledged face. Cole’s calling him a goof. JTG hits Zack with a nice cradle Roll of the Dice for two. JTG’s got Zack in a submission. Zack tries getting out and JTG makes the mistake of throwing him to the corner, and Zack hits double knees. Zack gets a flurry of offense and hits a huge Broski Boot for two. ARE YOU SERIOUS, BRO?! asks Zack. JTG tries a clothesline but ROUGH RYDER OUT OF NOWHERE for the WIN.

Backstage, Johnny Ace is TEXTING SOMEBODY and behind him is Haitch! Ace is of course trying to cover his ass and oh god Haitch is wearing Pink what is this world coming to…anyway, the hometown hero is being interviewed by Matt Striker for GENERIC INTERVIEW #33853583235. Blah blah ending Henry’s run as champion.

Heeeeeeeeere’s Christian with his horrible T-Shirt. And here’s Orton with his generic wrestling. Jesus Christ, did he shower in baby oil? ORTON POSE. “One of the most even rivalries”? Really, Mathews? Didn’t Orton dominate the goddamn feud because WWE needed an unbeatable Cena figure at the expense of the heels? Christ. Anyway, Christian hits a niiiice dropkick and uses closed fists on Orton. Christian SPINEBUSTERS Orton for two. Yeah, this is the usual heel-gets-most-of-the-offense-then-LOLORTONWINS. Yeah, here we go. Orton fights out of the corner and Thesz Press. Christian tries…something but gets dropkicked in the face. Orton with the 10-punch in the corner, whips Christian to the other corner but PENDULUM KICK. Orton counters and hits a gutwrench sidewalk slam for two. Christian scouted Orton’s DDT, but a QUICK ROLL UP by Orton gets two. Orton Powerslam for two as well. Christian fights our of the corner, tries a crossbody but misses. RKO attempt into a back suplex. Christian calls for the spear, CONNECTS for TWOOOOOOOOOOO. Christian can’t believe it. Christian calls for the Killswitch, but Orton counters into the DDT. Orton calls for the RKO but Christian runs away. Orton follows him but DOUBLE COUNTOUT and that’s IT. Yeah, Orton don’t care, have to keep Orton strong. Orton pulls off the table’s cover, signals for the RKO on top of the table, but CODY RHODES INTERRUPTS, returning the favor from earlier. Rhodes and Christian beat up Orton for awhile and Cody eats the BROGUE KICK from Sheamus, who chases Christian into the crowd.

NEVERMIND THAT SHIT, here comes Henry. Orton tries an RKO but WORLD’S STRONGEST SLAM. Henry tries to Pillmanize Orton, but eats an RKO out of nowhere. Yawn. Yeah, Mark’s retaining this Sunday.

Final Thoughts: I’m tired of Orton, but I am enjoying Henry beating the shit out of him. LOVE the evil Sin Cara costume. It’s so awesome. And I hear rumblings of Ryder breaking through the top 10 merch sales. I guess that’s why he’s finally getting attention. Good on you, Zack. Hopefully there’s an impromptu US Title Match for you this Sunday.

WWE Friday Night Smackdown, 9/23/2011

We start with Johnny Ace in the middle of the ring, and the entire SD locker room is out for a special address, because Haitch isn’t here. He talks about how HHH has lost control of Raw, but after AwesomeTruth got fired, Johnny Ace says he regains control. And he introduces Mark Henry. The locker room just parts ways in awe of the World Champ. Johnny Ace shakes Mark’s hand, hands him the mic, and gets out of the ring. Smart move.

Mark says it took him 15 years to win the belt, and it’ll take 15 more for anyone to take it from him. He points the finger at Zeke and Teddy Long for not believing in him…but HO MAH GOODNESS, here comes HHH. He asks Mark Henry for the mic, but Mark refuses. At least long enough to add tension. Before Haitch talks, Christian has a mic and says to hold on. He says on behalf of himself and the roster, thanks him for the good job he’s done so far. Yep, he’s kissing ass to get a title shot. He says Mark Henry isn’t a marketable champion, and Christian deserves to be the face of Smackdown. Haitch tells the locker room that he’s in complete control of Raw, Smackdown and WWE. Haitch tells Christian it’s great to see him take the initiative and lead by example and sets up a Lumberjack Match for the World Championship match against Mark Henry. And the winner faces Orton at HiaC. Christian looks about ready to shit himself. Nice. And of course Henry stares Christian down and scares him out of the ring.

BACKSTAGE, Sheamus gets ready for his match against Heath Slater. Guess who’s getting squashed. I bet it’s the redhead. Anyway, Slater gets brutalized, eats the chest punches/knee combo which really looks painful. Slater actually hits some offense like a swinging neckbreaker, finally gets the big man down for awhile trying to keep Sheamus grounded and I have no fucking idea what Booker T is saying. Slater makes the big mistake of slapping the back of Sheamus’ head and HOOOO MAH GOODNESS, Sheamus runs him down. Flying shoulderblock and Sheamus calls for the Brogue Kick, hits it and that’s all she wrote.

BACKSTAGE, Christian goes Raw 2 and tries manipulating Khali. Khali says he understands Christian’s small. The piped-in crowd goes WILD.

Back in the ring, Wade Barrett w/ Jacket is up against former Corre/Nexus comrade Justin Gabriel w/ Shitty Theme Song. Wade quickly takes advantage and hits a big boots, throwing Gabriel out of the ring. Wade gets a two, but headscissors Wade outside and SUICIDE DIVE~ takes him out. This is surprisingly back and forth. Gabriel tries for a 450 splash, but gets kicked in the face by Wade and eats a Wasteland for the win. Go Wade!

Announced is Orton/Rhodes, who have always have great chemistry. If you’ve read the spoilers, there will be blood. Backstage, Orton cuts a boring promo. A better promo, the Hell in a Cell Highlight promo, airs afterward. Backstage, MORE manipulation by Christian, this time on Big Zeke.

In the ring, my favorite Chickbusters are in the ring and they’re gonna go up against Beth and Natalya. My god, the stupid booking. Anyway, Nattie vs. Kaitlyn and Kaitlyn hits a nice dropkick until a quick kick by Beth while the Ref’s back is turned. Kaitlyn eats a double suplex. Kaitlyn fights out and AJ gets the tag and hits a SHINING WIZARD on Beth. Kaitlyn intercepts Nattie, but AJ eats a Glam Slam for three. Aww, poor AJ.

Orton comes out to the delight of the PG crowd. And here comes Cody and the Bag Boys. Nice recap of Cody’s huge win against Orton two weeks ago. Orton blandly attacks Cody, and Cody tries going for Orton’s kneeee. Even wraps it around the ring post a few times. Cody loosens a turnbuckle, and while the Ref’s distracted, hits Orton in the face with the facemask for TWOOOOO. Orton’s angry and hits Cody with the Mask for the DQ. Orton attacks Cody repeatedly in the face with the mask. Outside, Orton grabs the ringpost and Cody is busted open. IS THIS PG YET? Orton hits a bleeding Rhodes with an RKO on top of the table. Interesting to actually see blood on WWE PG.

BACKSTAGE more Christian manipulation shenanigans, this time on Sheamus. As a peace offering, Christian gives Sheamus a potato. Sheamus eats it, but spits it out because it’s not an Irish potato, it’s from Idaho. TREMENDOUS.

Khali arrives with his Bollywood music, and it looks like he’s back to his old jolly Punjabi self. Jinder Mahal comes out and he’s pissed. And yeah, this is a squash. Khali tries for the Tree Slam but Mahal counters into a DDT. But yeah, Khali with the Tree Slam and humiliates Mahal with a cocky pin for the win.

Sin Cara is out and the crowd doesn’t know what to make of him. Recap of the Cara vs. Cara situation, and then Daniel Bryan comes out and he looks pretty angry. Excellent wrestling, of course, and Daniel Bryan puts Cara in the Surfboard. They actually mention Bryan’s losing streak, huh. Kick in the face and a crossbody earns Cara with a nearfall. Cara gets Bryan outside and headscissors him into the steps. A second Cara throws the first Cara off the ropes, Moonsaults Bryan for the three and WHICH IS WHICH? And when will Bryan win again? Where is this going?!

Backstage, Christian tries manipulating Zack Ryder, but Ryder’s cellphone goes off. HUGH JACKMAN is on and Ryder walks off. WWWYKI!

AirBoom is out and MAH GOODNESS we’re in for some Tag Team action. And this week, they’re up against the Usos, who have the awesome Siva Tau intro. Usos with a blind tag quickly and the twins have awesome tag moves. They frequently tag and isolate Evan, but he fights back with a kneeling headscissors to get Kofi in. Josh and Cole are just STEALING Booker’s lines as one of the Usos superkicks Kofi’s head off for the two. Trouble in Paradise/Shooting Star Press combo wins it for AirBoom and this was really fun.

Next up, the Lumberjacks fill ringside as Christian comes out. Dear God, Darren Young is pretty much Cena with a spray tan. Mark comes out and WIG-SPLITTERY IMMINENT. Big match intro, of course. Oh boy, Heel vs. Heel. The piped-in reactions will be terrible in this match. Christian tries running early but the Lumberjacks are in the way. Christian tries catching Henry but Christian eats an elbow and a throw into the turnbuckle. Christian tries a flurry of offense, but gets tossed out. Zeke gently places his knee into Christian’s gut and throws him in the ring. Henry tosses Christian upward and ow. Mark squeezes Christian’s shoulders in a vise grip. Christian kicks his way out and tries a springboard…into a Bear Hug. Chriatian gets out of the way of a splash and hits Mark with a nice flurry of offense and tries several clotheslines to take Henry down. It takes two missile dropkicks to take Henry down, but just for two. Killswitch attempt blocked into a clothesline for two for Mark. Christian tries a sunset flip on Henry and tries to sit down on Christian but he gets out of the way. The locker room tries to fight Henry, but uses Trent Barretta as a rocket into the entire roster. Christian tries running, but Sheamus catches him, throws him right into Mark for a World’s Strongest Slam for the win. Orton comes out to confront Henry and gets dropkicked out of the ring. Orton stands tall alone in the ring as the show ends.

Final Thoughts: Ugh, I really hope they don’t hotshot the title on Orton at HiaC. I’m really digging Henry’s title run so far.

I don’t know where they’re going with the Cara vs. Cara storyline, but one of them better dress differently or people will just get confused. But the biggest thing I learned on SD?

Never, EVER give Sheamus an Idaho Potato.

WWE Friday Night Smackdown, 9/16/11

It’s Edge Appreciation Night on SD, along with being the Night od Champions go-home show. I’m ready for horribly piped-in audience reactions.

We start with Edge, who gets an amazing reaction from the hometown crowd. Captions say his last match took place last April in Romania. Tremendous. Edge says how great it is to be back in Toronto. He says he misses wrestling, the friendships, the theme song, and of course the fans. Which is kind of funny since he shows up as often as Ric Flair did during HIS “retirement”. Anyway, Edge says he’ll host a special Cutting Edge with guests Mark Henry and Randy Orton. He gets interrupted by Cody Rhodes, who has his mask back.

Rhodes accuses Edge of sucking up to the fans, who all need paper bags. Edge counters that Cody should look in the mirror. Cody says he’s triumphant because he won against Randy on Monday and is the IC champ, making Edge the tragedy. He hands Edge a Paper Bag, and asks him to take it home, put it on the mantle as a reminder that Cody is the new face of Smackdown. Edge hands it back and says if Cody’s the face of Smackdown, Smackdown needs the Paper Bag. And leaves. Cody’s left in the ring, ignored, and bitches that no one is better than him and goes around the crowd, telling them they need paper bags…and is hit by someone with a paper bag. Who turns out to be Ted DiBiase! He drags Cody in the ring, and hits Dream Street to the delight of the crowd. He nabs a paper bag to put on Cody but Cody ran away. Now THIS is how you turn Ted face.

Next up is the Sin Cara/Daniel Bryan rematch. Bryan IMMEDIATELY goes after Cara and they start out brawling. Cara takes advantage of a slight mistime by Bryan, who gets tossed out. Back in the ring, Cara has Bryan in a leglock and Bryan gets out of it with STIFF ELBOWS but Cara keeps Bryan down with a dropkick to the head. Cara gets Bryan with a springboard headbutt. Cara tries a Springboard Moonsault but Bryan counters with feet right to Cara’s face. Bryan takes advantage with VINTAGE KICKS but Cara kicks out. VICIOUS kicks in the corner but Cara counters and gets Bryan in a tree of woe and kicks Bryan in the head but gets DQed…when Cara’s music hits? A second Cara comes out and confronts the other Sin Cara. Oh boy, Hunicara vs. Misticara. CARA WARS, BABY. I am excite.

Zack Ryder and Teddy Long are backstage! Teddy invokes a no-contact rule again for the Cutting Edge, and sends Zack to tell Randy and Henry that fact. Cue Aksana’s porn music and offers to massage Teddy. This isn’t very PG. Anyhoo, Trish Stratus comes in for a cameo.

In the ring are our lovely Chickbusters, AJ and Kaitlyn. AJ’s set for battle against Beth Phoenix. Oh boy. Apparently Beth can bench press more than AJ weighs. Geez. So yeah, Beth just military presses AJ. AJ tries to fight back with some pretty good offense before a quick and painful Glam Slam ends it. Kaitlyn comes in to get AJ out of there before the Divas of Doom kill them. Beth grabs the mic and tells the Divas that their fairytale is over.

Pretty great video package for Sheamus. Since he’s face now. Pretty awesome song choice, too.
Trish is teaching Edge some Yoga. Christian tries to make amends with Edge. Cause, Bros before everything. But Christian tries manipulating Edge into asking Teddy to give Christian another title shot, and reminds Edge that he was in his corner at Wrestlemania and runs off in a huff after Edge gives a disapproving look. Zack Ryder runs in and asks Edge to tell Randy and Mark about the no-contact rule. Trish is confused.

But nevermind that shit, Wade Barrett is here, teaming with Christian against Sheamus and Justin Gabriel. Sheamus grabs the stick and yep, Irish tales. Gabriel and Barrett face off, tries to go for a drop toe hold but Barrett maintains his balance and just punches Justin. Don’t see that every day. Sidewalk slam by Wade gets us the first pinfall attempt and Christian comes in. You can tell WWE production just tried to edit out Christian’s hometown crowd cheers. Just noticed Wade and Christian have matching Purple tights/trunks. Nice. Wade and Christian are isolating Gabriel and taunting Sheamus. For a really long time. Gabriel FINALLY hits a legsweep and gets the tag. Sheamus vs. Barrett. Aww yeah slobberknocker. I like Sheamus and Barrett’s chemistry. Sheamus hits the flying shoulderblock, tosses Christian out and counters the Wasteland into a Brogue Kick. Gabriel tags in, hits the 450 Splash and that’s all. Pretty exciting match, but the Hot Tag sequence went on way too long. Sheamus dares Christian to fight him but Christian backs off yet again.
Khali comes out to face the new Jobber to the Stars Heath Slater. This won’t end well for Slater. Pretty much a continuation of the Mahal/Khali storyline. Mahal comes out and just rants while Slater tries to mount some offense. Mahal comes in the ring and that’s a DQ. Slater and Mahal try to double team Khali, but Khali’s way too powerful and fights them off, hits Slater with the Chokebomb and Mahal runs away.

Next up is Truth vs. Bourne and Awesome Truth (as Truth dubs him and Miz) comes out to a classic Truth rap/rant. TREMENDOUS. You have to watch it. And of course, Michael Cole ejaculates all over it. Miz and Kofi are on commentary and they’re detracting from the pretty damn awesome action. Evan’s got some awesome counters, like the knees to Truth’s head during a delayed suplex attempt. SSP attempt got delayed with kicks and the Little Jimmy for the win. Have I mentioned how great Awesome Truth is? Cause they’re so great.

Next up, the Cutting Edge. Edge recounts how great Toronto is to him, having watched Warrior win the championship at WM6, and winning the IC belt in Toronto, so he’s proud to interview the current champion. But first, here comes Mark Henry. Orton arrives and stares a hole into Big Mark. Edge reminds the two of the no-contact rule, and then tells Randy that Henry has demolished pretty much everyone. Why does Randy think he can win, asks Edge.

Randy tells everyone that all the beatings he’s administered were after matches. Edge agrees, and says Mark’s career hasn’t been all that good, and questions Mark’s desire to win. And…Mark agrees? For the past 15 years, he’s seen people smaller and weaker than him win championships. People tell him backstage to come out and smile. He’s through smiling, so he’ll take what he wants from Orton, and declares he’s taking that championship. Orton calls Henry the World’s Strongest Failure. Oh boy.

Edge reminds the two that the no-contact rule is in place until the end of the Cutting Edge…and he slowly backs out the ring and says the Cutting Edge is over. Tremendous. Teddy comes out and calls in the entire Smackdown midcard to stop Henry and Orton from killing each other. The two fight the midcarders to get at each other until Mark powers out and hits Orton with a World’s Strongest Slam, a splash, and another WSS. Henry clears the ring of everyone with the exception of Orton and hit yet ANOTHER World’s Strongest Slam and poses with the World Heavyweight Championship as Smackdown ends.

Final Thoughts: I’m firmly behind Henry winning this Sunday. He’s long, long overdue for a major title, and I’m tired of Orton as champion. The Cara Wars have begun, and I’m excited as it frees up Bryan to actually get some wins under his belt. I’m excited about Ted DiBiase’s face turn and the Awesome Truth are always awesome. Can’t wait till Sunday.

WWE Friday Night Smackdown, 9/9/11

We join Smackdown, because we know our enemy. Rah-hey.

Mark Henry comes out. Wig-Splittery imminent. He tells us about the Hall of Pain, and that people have underestimated him because of his tenure. He claims Orton will be inducted at NoC.

NEVERMIND THAT SHIT, HERE COMES ZACK RYDER!

WWWKYI likes the Hall of Pain, and informs Mark that Teddy made a no-contact rule between him and Orton in their respective matches. Sadly, our Internet Champ gets squashed. Are you serious, Mark?

Big Zeke arrives and it’s Domination vs. Wig-Splittery. Vince must be touching himself right now. Zeke tries a torture rack, but falls victim to Henry’s brute strength. Boring match, but Booker T’s insane commentary is worth it.

Orton vs. Rhodes is announced. Gee, who’s winning tonight? Anyway, Teddy’s not as broken up about his assistant being broken, but Aksana, looking hot as always, gets the sax treatment. Are they really playing up another Teddy Long romance?

Sin Cara appears, and so does his trampoline. Recap of Bryan/Cara match and his heel turn. Tyson Kidd is his opponent for tonight and this should be pretty good. Tyson vs. Misticara was pretty great, let’s see how he fares against Hunicara. Springboard crossbody almost gets Kidd the pin from the momentum. Cara’s new double springboard finisher ends a quick, but good match. Josh Mathews interviews Cara, and he…speaks English?

Cara says he’s an intense competitor. He claims he’s held back, but no longer, that this is the real Sin Cara. But here comes Daniel Bryan, and he looks pissed. He challenges Cara for a rematch on SD next week. Cara drops Bryan and…applies the LeBell Lock on Bryan. Oh boy, this is gonna be gooooooood.

Sheamus vs. Wade Barrett is announced. There will be stiff hitting.

Nice little video package for Cody Rhodes. I like these little video packages they’ve been doing recently. Now that the recent Supershows aren’t doing the midcard any famous, these little packages remind people of who they’ve missed these past few weeks. Orton does the usual boring interview.

And I can’t believe Kelly’s entrance is welcome. Damn it, Orton. Get it together.

K-Squared faces Natalya next. Dat pendant. Shucky Ducky, says Booker T. Glorious. Dear God, Kelly’s pretty orange tonight. She’s reaching Hogan levels of orangeocity. Brother. Nattie’s just owning KK in this match, going for a Sharpshooter. Kelly reverses it into a small package and that’s it. Again, kudos to Goldust for working with the Divas. That match was actually watchable.

Here comes Christian with the usual bitching about not getting another shot and about getting beaten by Orton last week. Yep, he wants another title shot but gets interrupted by Sheamus, who says this is getting embarrassing and relates another hilarious Irish tale about a dog who farted out hot air. Sheamus intimidates Christian into getting out of the ring so his match with Wade can start.

God, I missed that jacket. Still needs yet another revision to his theme song, though. This is hard hitting as expected. These guys are just MAULING each other. Pretty much back-and-forth. Chest punch/running knee combo before Christian runs in and eats some white knuckle for his troubles. Wade and Christian beat down Sheamus until he gets his second wind and Brogue Kicks Barrett’s head off. Christian almost got caught in the Celtic Cross but escapes. A Christian/Sheamus program? I’m intrigued.

Another WWE Network commercial. I am excite.

Edge’s Haven appearance gets hyped with a clip. Air Boom comes out and their opponents for this week are Khali & Mahal again. I still can’t believe Khali, Bourne and Kingston are carrying Mahal to a watchable match. They’re teasing another Khali face turn as he pushes Mahal into Trouble in Paradise for the win. So yeah, don’t piss off the 7’4” giant who can cave your skull in.

Cody Rhodes arrives with the Bag Boys and the environmentalists get angry. Cody resents being called unstable, and points to Orton himself. Orton comes out to the usual monster pop. Mostly piped in, but who’s counting.

Next week, Edge returns as a special guest. Probably to hype up his Haven appearance, partially to yell at Christian some more, maybe.

Anyway, Cody and Orton actually have a good, long match playing up their familiarity with each other, with nearfalls on each other. Cody goes for a bulldog and Orton tosses him off, hits the powerslam. After getting hit with the second rope DDT, Rhodes wisely slips out of the right, almost hits CrossRhodes, goes for the Beautiful Disaster, misses and RKO out of nowhere gets the win…but here comes Mark Henry. No Contact rule is not in effect because it’s after the match and Mark brutalizes Orton with two World’s Strongest Slams. Mark grabs a chair and sits on it ON TOP OF ORTON for great visual to end the show.

Final Thoughts: Eh, this seems like the usual Smackdown with very little story progress aside from the Bryan/Cara program. The Orton/Rhodes match was a highlight of the show, with a great finishing sequence before the Henry run-in. By God, I’m actually buying Henry as a threat now more than his old program with Taker a few years back.