LAST WEEK: Jericho wept. Zack got chokeslammed. Cena just got choked.
THIS WEEK: FOLEY IS HERE! Bryan/Punk vs. Henry/Ziggler is booked while Foley walks and so is Ryder vs. Swagger. Foley says he’s here for two reasons: one, he couldn’t bypass an opportunity spending the day at Disneyland RIGHT HERE IN ANAHEIM CALIRONIA. Second, he says he was content in a non-physical role the past couple months, but he already lived out most of his dreams like when he headlined Wrestlemania RIGHT HERE IN THIS VERY ARENA, but he has two kids that didn’t see him wrestle in his prime. He wants to be in the Rumble this year! BUT EXCUSE ME, Vickie and Dolph have arrived, THANKFULLY with no terrible fuck theme song. Ziggler says there are only 30 golden tickets to WM’s main event, but Ziggler says if this is one of his stand-up jokes and mimes Foley’s kids watching Mick being eliminated, but Mick loves that unpredictability and he MIGHT have the chance to win. Mick wants to win the Rumble. He says Cena ran away from him and beat Punk two weeks in a row and it would be horrific when he won the Championship from Punk and defend it against Foley at Wrestlemania. Ziggler tells Foley to go away but HERE’S PUNK in a swank-ass hoodie. Punk says it’s good to see Mick RIGHT HERE IN ANAHEIM and Ziggler interjects that of course they like each other, they get their clothes from the same homeless person down the street. Punk says he and Mick are a lot alike: They don’t look or talk like everyone else. And they don’t hide behind a woman. He says both of them also earned everything they’ve achieved unlike Dolph who has the an ACE in his pocket as a special ref at the Rumble. Punk will still be the champ because he’s the best wrestler in the world and it’d be awesome for it to be Punk vs. Foley at WM. BUT JOHNNY ACE IS HERE AND HE HAS AN ANNOUNCEMENT. First off, HE IS THE EXECUTIVE blah blah poop and he will be completely unbiased. And speaking of fair, he thought about Foley in the Rumble and says…NO. How can you say no to Mick Foley? :( And cue Vickie laughing. NEXT: Epico & Primo vs. Bourne & Kofi for the titles after last night’s title change!
And…uhh…both teams get the Jobber entrance. This should be short. And yep, Epico hits the Backstabber on Bourne to retain.
BACKSTAGE, Johnny Ace is approached by Otunga, who says SOMEBODY is outside. Ace rebooks the Main Event into a six-man tag with Ziggler, Henry and Otunga and vs. Punk, Daniel Bryan and…CHRIS JERICHO! Who smiles and turns the lights off so he can turn his jacket on. AWESOME.
BACKSTAGE ALSO, Ryder is not medically cleared but he’s gonna go to the ring anyway so he won’t forfeit his title. Eve will accompany him. Recap of Zack Ryder failing to change the tire on time.
CHECK ONE TWO, AWW YEAH. Swagger arrives with Vickie, followed by Ryder and Eve. Swagger gets a ton of offense on Ryder targeting Zack’s taped ribs. Swagger hits a Vaderbomb to Ryder’s back for two. Swagger hits the GUTWRENCH POWERBOMB and…TWO! Holy shit, Swagger tries it again and KICKS OUT AGAIN! GUTS! Swagger hits Ziggler’s multiple elbows, ANOTHER Gutwrench Powerbomb and finally, Swagger wins. And we now have the ALL AMERICAN AMERICAN UNITED STATES CHAMPION. Boo this man! They reiterate the main event, TEAM BEST IN THE WORLD vs. HenryTungGler…nah, Team Best In The World has the better team name.
BACKSTAGE, Zack is beat and Ace says he’s sorry for letting Zack compete and tells Eve to shut up.
And here’s Perez Hilton to a chorus of boos. He introduces Kelly/Alicia vs. The Bellas and I still don’t care. Bellas try Twin Magic but Perez Hilton pulls the fresh Bella out and Kelly with the ROLLUP! THE ROLLUP! THE ROLLUP! And the Bellas push Perez down and they’re instantly my favorite divas.
THE TRUTH HAS SET US ALL FREE and here comes CrazyTruth. But before he can say anything, BARRETT INTERRUPTUS. “Pardon the interruption, R-Truth IF THAT IS YOUR REAL NAME.” Wade, you tremendous bastard. He says this year, he will be named the winner of the Rumble, and thanks god that Foley won’t be in. Wade calls Truth a lunatic. Truth calls him GUVNA and Jimmy asks Wade why he talks funny. Truth says they’re near Disneyland and he misses Wade’s smile. He shows horrible Photoshops of him at Disneyland. And Pinocchio said he was gonna win the Rumble, but he lied and his nose got longer. He believes a Mouse can talk and an Elephant can fly, but he doesn’t believe Wade will win the Rumble. BUT HERE COMES MIZ and Miz and Barratt attack Truth. Sheamus arrives and OF COURSE TEDDY LONG IS HERE because he smells a Tag Team match! But oh wait, he calls an over-the-top rope challenge instead. I see what you did there, Teddy. Draw us in with the promise of a Tag match and SWERVE. Wade gets eliminated by Miz, Truth and Sheamus. Truth eliminates both Sheamus and Miz for the win. Dance, Crazy Truth, Dance! And Sheamus brogue kicks Miz on the outside anyway. Sheamus points at Truth with GRUDGING RESPECT.
ACE IS BACKSTAGE is interrupted by YELLING CENA and Ace says he made a mistake. Ace books Cena vs. Kane at the Rumble, then books Cena vs. Swagger NEXT…wait, what?
Swagger gets JOBBER ENTRANCE. Followed by Cena. Guess who fucking wins. Heh, he just assaulted Swagger. GIVE IN TO THE HATE, CENA. Scott Armstrong tries to separate them, but Cena gives him the evil eye. Cena continues beating Swagger, throwing him to the ring steps. Cena dismantles the ring steps and continues beating Swagger on it. EMBRACE THE HATE, JOHN. Cena is about to stomp on Swagger’s head, but he wants to use the ring steps to crush Swagger’s head instead…but PYRO! KANE IS BACKSTAGE and says by the time they face at the Rumble, Cena will have embraced the hate.
FUNKASAURUS TIME! SOMEBODY CALL MY MOMMA! Who will feel the Funk of Humanity today? His dancers are Naomi and the first elimination from Tough Enough. And it’s gonna be JTG. STILL EMPLOYED! And Brodus is shaking his ass. Brodus no-sells JTG’s offense and HEADBUTT. He asks the crowd if HE SHOULD GET HIM. SHEEPLEX, MY BAD and SPLASH followed by AWW FUNK IT and it’s over.
Back from break, and we get a replay of Smackdown Shenanigans and AJ getting run over. AND HERE COMES BRYAN! People are booing him and says people think of Show as a lovable giant, but he is really an uncontrollable freak and says AJ will never be the same. He says Show wasn’t sorry and those were fake tears. He say Show shouldn’t show up on SD and if he does, Bryan will make him pay. He plays up his match with Henry and dedicates that match to AJ. Bryan continues walking for his match.
LIGHTS OFF! SPARKLY JACKET! BREAK THE WALL DOOOOOOOWN! And Jericho kisses babies and shakes hands all around the crowd. Back from break, the Heels are here and Jericho’s STILL celebrating with the crowd and IT IS TIME FOR CLOBBERING! I love how Henry’s giving Ziggler a pep talk. Punk starts off with Ziggler. Amateur wrestling sequence, Scoop Slam, Kick on the gut by Punk and Snap Suplex for two. Bryan tags in and HEADLOCK. HMMMMMBOTCH jumping over Ziggler and he takes advantage with a leg lock and tags Otunga in for some offense. Ziggler tags in and the crowd chants for Y2J. Ziggler puts Bryan in a single leg crab. Bryan gets to the ropes to break the hold. Ziggler misses a splash and Punk tags in. Ziggler tags in Otunga and YOU CAN’T WRESTLE chants toward Otunga. Hahahaha. Otunga telegraphs and kicks Punk and tags Ziggler in. Ziggler with a neckbreaker, and Punk hits Ziggler with a knee to the spine. Otunga tags in and keeps Punk out of his corner. Otunga tries for a Superplex, but Punk headbutts Otunga and MACHO ELBOW! Jericho tags in and…plays to the crowd! And…tags Bryan in and WALKS TO THE BACK. HAHAHA. Jericho, you glorious bastard.
Back from break, Bryan and Punk are alone. Ziggler EATS A KICK FROM BRYAN. Bryan tags Punk and CLOTHESLINE CLIOTHESLINE NECKBREAKER KNEE/BULLDOG I’M FLYING CLOTHESLINE for two until Henry walks in. Henry catches Bryan and Bryan ANGERS THE GIANT and gets tossed up the stage by Henry and they fight to the back. OH SHIT HERE’S FOLEY! OH SHIT! Mick claims Johnny Ace says he’s in the match. Ziggler hits the fameasser on Punk for two. Two neckbreakers on Punk get two. KICKTOTHEFACE by Punk and Punk tags in Foley and here we go! Foley hammers Otunga and KNEE TO THE FACE. Foley’s calling for DOUBLE ARM DDT and hits it. SOCKO! SOCKO! MANDIBLE CLAW ON OTUNGA AND IT’S OVER! BUT HERE COMES ACE! He says he never gave him permission and reverses the decision. Boo this man! Punk grabs the stick and tells Ace to shut up and tells him to man up and tells him the people don’t know who Ace is. He tells the fans that Ace’s brother was Animal and he never amounted to anything and traded in his lame-ass tights for the lame-ass suit. He tells Ace that in the last year, he’s accomplished everything Ace hasn’t in his entire career so he’s gonna screw Punk but it doesn’t matter. He’ll still be better than Ace. But if Ace screws Punk, he’ll kick Ace’s ass and make him relevant. Punk feigns a punch and Ace flinches! Ace looks ANGRY. Foley gives Ace the thumbs up but Ace won’t have any of it. Ace grabs the mic and reiterates that he’s the EVP and Interim SOON TO BE Permanent GM of Raw and he’s not pathetic and won’t be intimidated. Foley says Ace should admit he’s going to screw Punk and tells Ace TO HIS FACE that he’s a kiss-ass. Ace looks like he’s about to explode and yells that he will and he’s sick and tired of being disrespected and pushed around and bullied. Each week he puts on great shows and he’s not appreciated. He says he’s sick and tired of it and CLOCKS Foley with the mic and walks away to end the show.
Final Thoughts: Solid Raw tonight with a great opening segment.
The Tag Title match was what it was, and it establishes the Tag Champs as a threat. I would like to see the Usos challenge the Colons 2.0 for the belts at the Rumble.
I don't know where they’re going with Ryder losing the title, but they did tell a story and Swagger had to use his finisher THREE TIMES to do it.
Don’t care about Perez Hilton OR the Divas match.
I would have bet money on Teddy Long making the Truth/Miz/Barrett/Sheamus segment a tag match, but oh well. I love them getting behind CrazyTruth.
Swagger/Cena never started, but I did like Cena’s beatdown and EMBRACING THE HATE.
Brodus Clay looks to be having fun with his new gimmick, god bless him.
The main event was fast, great action and Jericho was brilliant in his new Troll-ish gimmick. Bryan and Henry was just a tease for their match. Foley looked great in the ring.
But the big news here is John Laurinatis finally snapping and showing more personality than he’s shown in his entire career. I want to see a hard-hitting Japanese-style match between him and Punk.