LAST WEEK: The Ayatollah of Rock and Trollah returned to piss off the crowd by not saying anything.
THIS WEEK: We’re in Corpus Christi and I expect a dead crowd as per usual with CC. Goddammit. Anyway, Kane comes out to a dead crowd and uses AWESOME PROMO SKILLS. Kane says he sees the disapproving looks and hears the weak little whispers questioning him and why he embraces hate. He calls the crowd predictable and in denial. He reminds us all that we live our lives with pure hate, but don’t embrace it because you’re too cowardly or filled with delusions of hope like Cena. Cena represents hope, and everything they aspire to achieve but cannot. When people say “Cena sucks” they mean they suck because they can’t accept the hate. Kane calls the fans liars. He says the fans made Zack Ryder a star, but that proves nothing because Kane was seconds away from dragging him to hell. He says Cena only delayed the inevitable, Kane gets what he wants, and what he wants are consequences, the consequences of refusing to embrace hate. And HERE COMES CENA to spoil the show and Kane and Cena brawl and they head to the back through the crowd. Cena tries rallying with a tire iron but Kane throat thrusts him and…disappears?
Anyway, here comes Sheamus and he’s going to team with SANTINO, followed by the team of Wade Barrett and Jinder Mahal. Comedy Squash? Comedy Squash. Santino plays Damsel in Distress until the hot tag to Sheamus, hits his five moves ending in BROGUE KICK, tags Santino in and COBRA to Jinder ends it.
Backstage, Miz is angry at Johnny Ace for not doing anything about R-Truth attacking him. He doesn’t have any problem with Miz getting his own protection, though. He says he isn’t Little Jimmy, he’s Big Johnny. Otunga approves. Why? Why is Ace so funny?
The first inductee (aside from Mil Mascaras) to the HOF 2012 is Edge. Matt Hardy just wept. Apparently a second inductee will be announced tonight. Backstage, Mason Ryan refuses Miz. Eve finally accepts a date with Zack after her match with Beth. Zack looks spooked, though. And why not? Kane’s stalking him. Uh-oh.
Kofi has arrived because WWE.com had a segment with Bryan challenging him to a Champ vs. Champ match. They shake hands and lock up and CHAIN WRESTLING~. Kofi hits a pendulum kick and a springboard crossbody for two. Kofi tries Trouble in Paradise, but Bryan ducks and rolls Kofi up. Kofi reverses that rollup and rolls Bryan up at two. Kofi with a double springboard crossbody, but Bryan catches his arm and gets him in the LeBell Lock for the win. BUT HERE’S BIG SHOW for some reason. Show starts out, but Bryan interrupts by saying their match ended badly. Bryan’s a fighting champ and offers Show a title match whenever he wants. Show says Teddy Long says it’ll happen on SD, and it’ll be no DQ’s and no countouts. Bryan looks pensive, but accepts anyway. BUT NEXT: BRODUS CLAY!
FROM PLANET FUNK…the Funkasaurus, BRODUS CLAY! OH GOD. WHAT. WHAT. WHAT. WHY? Isn’t this Ernest Miller’s theme? SOMEBODY CALL MY MOMMA! OH GOD HE’S BUSTING A MOVE. THIS IS SO WORTH THE WEEKS OF HYPE. Curt Hawkins looks…what. They lock up and Brodus plays to the crowd and then kills Curt with some nice power moves. HUGE splash to the corner and a crossbody squashes Hawkins and that’s it. SHEEEEEEEE!
Backstage, Zack is brushing his teeth, but KANE STALKS HIM. Then he freaks out and runs. Epico, Primo and Rosa refuse Miz backstage, and Punk just laughs. Next: Punk/Swagger.
CHECK ONE TWO, AWW YEAH. Swagger is here and is flanked by Ziggler and Vickie. And IT’S TIME FOR CLOBBERING. AND HERE COMES JOHNNY ACE! He says he’s going to be fair. If Punk wins, Swagger and Vickie are going to be banned from ringside at the Ziggler/Punk match at the Rumble. AMATEUR WRESTLING~ and fuck this dead crowd. Ace is sitting in the commentary booth and actually prevents Ziggler from interfering in the match. The match goes pretty well considering who’s in the ring. Punk hits the Macho Elbow and…REF BOTCH! He counts to three! What. Yep, Punk’s pissed and the ref’s apologizing for screwing up the three count. Ace applauds the champ.
Backstage, Cena and Ryder TALK. Ryder says thank you again and Cena brings up Ryder surpassing Miz in Twitter Followers. Cena tells Ryder to keep it together but KANE’S STALKING RYDER.
ALSO BACKSTAGE, The Bellas have summoned RICARDO RODRIGUEZ all the way from Mexico give Alberto a message. But before they can tell him, MIZBLOCKED! Miz recruits Ricardo to call out Truth. Miz tells Ricardo to say the most offensive thing possible to draw Truth, and Miz will handle the rest. If not, Miz will make sure Ricardo joins Alberto on the injured list.
Our next inductee to the HOF…THE FOUR HORSEMEN! Fucking sweet. THIS THEME WILL BE FUCKING AWESOME FOREVER. The lineup being inducted will be Flair, Tully, Arn, Windham and JJ Dillon.
Ricardo is in the ring, looking very, very scared. He begs Truth to come out and insults his mother, his breath and everything he can think of. AND HERE COMES TRUTH. “OH LUCY, I’M HOME!” Tremendous. Truth says Hola and he doesn’t know why he wants to pick a fight with Truth. Truth says he isn’t a bad man. He’s the GOOD R-Truth. Little Jimmy said he should let bygones by bygones and let Ricardo go. He asks Little Jimmy if he should let Ricardo go, but the crowd says no. Well, you heard Little Jimmy. But Little Jimmy says Truth should turn Ricardo into a human piñata. Uh oh. Ricardo starts BEGGING for Miz to come out. Truth tells him to calm down because he’s bugging out like a little cockroach. Which reminds Truth…will Ricardo sing him and Little Jimmy a song? Oh god, this is glorious. Ricardo sings squakily at first, but Truth tells him to do it from the diaphragm and LITTLE JIMMY wants to hear it! Ricardo sings La Cucaracha with a little REMIX and Truth approves. Truth asks for it one more time, but Ricardo doesn’t want to do it, and accidentally knocks Truth’s mic down. He tries to apologize but LITTLE JIMMY. Poor Ricardo. Miz attacks FROMOUTTANOWHERE, and Truth finally gets some offense in and Miz runs the fuck away. Next: JERICHO.
Justin Roberts introduces THE ONLY MAN TO BEAT STONE COLD AND THE ROCK IN THE SAME NIGHT TO BECOME WITH FIRST UNDISPUTED WORLD CHAMPION…CHRIS JERICHO! And the lights go off, Swank Jacket turn on and the crowd goes wild. He’s pandering to the crowd again. Maybe he’ll wake this crowd up. Jericho asks for a mic and the Y2J chants begin. Jericho’s speechless, again. Hahahaha. Jericho’s teasing that he’s about to cry and asks the camera for a moment. He tries composing himself, but he’s about to cry as the boos start up. He mouths “Why are you doing this?”. He can’t talk and walks out of the ring. He slowly walks to the back, crying.
Back from the break, Eve arrives and I still don’t care. BUT IT’S KANE’S MUSIC INSTEAD OF BETH and Eve is scared to death. Zack arrives to take Eve away and they run to the back. They get to a car, but the tire’s flat. Zack tries quick-changing the tire. Nice. Anyway, next is the main event, Cena/Ziggler.
After the break, Zack’s still trying to change his tire and…uh oh, Dolph just got the Jobber entrance. And here comes Cuck Fena. Cena and Dolph lock up and Ziggler headlocks Cena. Rope run and Ziggler does it with STYLE. Ziggler hits a fameasser for two. Ziggler kicks a mudhole in Cena and RESTHOLD TIME. HEADSTAND HEADLOCK. Hilarious. Cena counters with PROTOBOMB but Ziggler tosses him to the turnbuckle. REPEATED ELBOWS and a final elbow misses. SHOULDERBLOCK SHOULDERBLOCK PROTOBOMB YOU CAN’T SEE…Kane attacking Zack! In the ring, Ziggler puts a Sleeperhold on Cena while Kane beats the shit out of Ryder. Kane CHOKESLAMS RYDER and Cena runs to the back after tossing Ziggler to the steps. Cena goes to check on Ryder, but Kane attacks Cena from behind and SMOTHERS CENA while Ryder’s knocked out on the pallet below. Kane stands tall as Raw goes off the air.
Final Thoughts: Pretty damn enjoyable Raw tonight.
Kane continues to chip away at Cena, and it’s pretty great. He’s forcing Cena to hate him. I don’t know about the line about “cena sucks” meaning “I suck” but eh, HE’S THE HEEL BOO THIS MAN and so forth.
The Sheamus/Santino vs. Jinder/Barrett was just to further the Barrett/Sheamus feud, so it’s a given Jinder would lose.
Edge for the HOF was an…odd choice. Way too early in my mind, but eh. It’s a nice shiny cap to his career.
I loved the Bryan/Kofi match. Bryan picked the best possible opponent he knew he could beat and beat him soundly with the LeBell Lock. I don’t know about the Smackdown main event reveal, though. I’m wondering where the Bryan heel turn is going, but it looks like he’s enjoying it.
Brodus Clay is your new Ernest Miller and it is AWESOME.
HORSEMEN, BABY. Long, long overdue, I say.
Man, Punk/Swagger was just getting good. Shame about the ref botch. Ace continues to be ACES in his role as Executive Vice President of Talent Relations and Interim Raw General Manager and also Special Guest Referee.
Truth and Ricardo had awesome interaction, and Miz attacking was icing on the cake. Batshit Insane Face Truth is Best Truth.
I wonder where the Jericho angle is going. The way he was crying at the end makes me think something else is behind his return.
And the main event segments (I’m including the aborted Women’s match here) were fine for what they are. They set up a reason for Cena to hate Kane, Ziggler came out looking like a million bucks, and Eve gets no title shot. Win win win!