AAAH THE CELL IS TALKING oh wait, it’s just crappy narration. Michael Cole’s voice and generic rock. Yep, we’re in hell.
Anyway, Christian is curtain-jerking after being in the main event for months. CONSPIRACY. FELLA arrives and dear god, Booker’s incoherent rambling is incoherent as usual. Christian’s just getting tossed around like a ragdoll. Christian fights out of the chest punches and runs away from Sheamus, but Sheamus caught him. NOW we get the chest punches, which gets Sheamus twoooooooo. Sheamus hits a fallaway slam and goes for the shoulder block but gets tossed off the top. Christian finally gets the advantage and gets a sleeper on the big man, but Sheamus falls back onto Christian for a nice counter. Christian’s got Sheamus down on his knees and pounds on Mr. Mayo. Christian wastes time taunting the crowd and Sheamus gets some offense in, but Christian hits a missile dropkick to keep the big man down…at least for a bit. Sheamus finally gets though Christian’s defense and BRUTALIZES Christian. Sheamus tries for the Irish Curse backbreaker, but COUNTER AFTER COUNTER. Killswitch attempt but ELBOWS. Sheamus finally hits the Irish Curse, but gets TWO. Sheamus calls for the Celtic Cross, but Christian gets out of it. Christian tries a top rope move but gets intercepted by Sheamus. Christian fights out of it, hits a Pendulum Kick and TORNADO DDT gets…zero. Christian calls for the Killswitch, but gets pushed into the turnbuckle. More offense by Sheamus until a kick to the knees brings the big man down. Sheamus SKINS THE CAT from a sitdown position and hits the shoulderblock, calls for the Brogue Kick but Christian avoids it. They go outside, and CHRISTIAN HITS THE SPEARSPEARSPEAR for Seven. Another SPEAR inside the ring for TWOOOOOOOO. Christian climbs the turnbuckle, goes for the headbutt, but NOOOOO. Sheamus picks Christian up for the Celtic Cross, Killswitch attempt countered, Christian sent to the ringpost and BROGUE KICK ends it. Awesome, awesome match.
Backstage, Striker interviews Mark Henry (wearing Gold and Black). Henry mocks Striker, and doesn’t care where they fight, Orton is joining the Hall of Pain.
Sin Cara arrives (Misticara) and actually doesn’t botch his entrance. Hunicara comes out to a darker remix of the Sin Cara theme, which is AWESOME. I like Hunicara’s theme better. In the ring, each point to themselves as the real Cara. Hunicara gets a submission on Misticara, but Misticara flips over for a splash. LIGHTNING QUICK moves by both Caras and yeah, this is pretty much a Lucha match. Both Caras avoid each other’s offense and both Caras trade legscissors to the delight of the crowd. Misticara counters Hunicara’s offense into an arm drag to the outside. Mistico tries a Moonsault but Hunicara counters with boots to the face to get the advantage. Misticara tries a springboard, but eats a dropkick to the back. Hunicara has full control of the match, tries a drive and hits Misticara. Is it just me or does Misticara have a better showing with someone who actually knows the Lucha style? Assholes chant boring when this is actually pretty exciting. Misticara with the headscissors and gets Hunicara outside and a HUUUUUUGE splash to Hunicara. Drags him back in the ring. SUPERKICK to Hunicara, but Hunicara counters with a powerbomb. Hunicara tries a top rope move but gets intercepted and eats an ARM DRAG. Misticara tries a Senton, Hunicara gets out of the way, and then a SUNSET FLIP POWERBOMB ends it.
Backstage, Punk meets Otunga. Otunga approaches Punk about representation since he’s representing the entirety of WWE now. Punk says he has his own voice, and that he hates lawyers. He shoos Otunga away. AND HERE COMES AIR BOOM. They’re defending against Zig Swag, introduced by Vickie, who obviously gets nuclear heat. This doesn’t look good for an impromptu Ryder US Title match. Kofi starts off with Swagger. Kofi hits a somewhat aerial version of the X-Factor, tags Evan in and hits Swagger in the stomach (with assist by Kofi) with STOMP. Swagger tags Ziggler in and AirBoom is dismantling Dolph. Frequent tags by the duo, with a nice assisted headscissors to Ziggler by Bourne. Ziggler gets the advantage and tags Swagger in, and they keep Evan out of his corner. Ziggler tries a splash and Evan tags Kofi in. Kofi tries to run the ropes by Swagger tosses Kofi out. Dolph gets a headlock on Kofi to slow down the match and takes control. Swagger and Ziggler control the ref, which I’ve missed in tag matches. Swagger tags in, but Kofi’s struggling to get out of Swagger’s underhook hold. Swagger throws Kofi to Ziggler, who stomps Kofi behind the Ref’s back. Ziggler tags in, taunts Evan, and hits COCKY ELBOW for twooooo. Swagger tags in, Kofi tries go get to Evan under Swagger, but eats an Anklelock, quickly countered and DDT to Swagger. Evan and Swagger both gets tags, and Evan’s just FLYING around the ring. Kicks Swagger off the apron, KNEEEEEEES from the top rope and gets two. Evan with a standing moonsault for TWOOOOOOO. Swagger with an Anklelock, attacked by Kofi who eats a Zig Zag, and CHAOS. Swagger and Ziggler try an assisted Powerbomb on Evan from the top rope, but Evan counters the Powerbomb into a HURRICANRANA, Ziggler gets taken out of the ring by Kofi, and that’s ALL. So much action, it was hard to keep up. Excellent tag match.
Speaking of Excellent, recap of the Henry/Orton feud. Henry arrives and tests the integrity of the cage. Orton arrives in his usual manner. Loooooong entrance sequence for these two. Big match intros. Poor Scott Armstrong. He’s probably going to get a painful bump. Orton tries to take it to Henry in the early going. Henry blocks a cell spot, but is unsuccessful. Orton gets the advantage early and attacks Henry’s joints. Orton tries the second rope DDT but Henry headbutts out of the predicament. Outside, Henry focuses on Orton’s glass collarbones until Orton suckers Henry into the Ringpost. Orton jumps from the Apron riiiiiiiiiiiight into Henry’s arms and gets ragdolled from the Cell corners and into the ringpost. In the ring, RUNNING POWERSLAM gets twooooooooo. Henry headbutts Orton out of the ring, Orton gets overpowered and gets slammed to the outside. Henry unbuckles the top of the steel steps and rams Orton’s head on the side of the Cell. Henry tosses the steps to Orton, but Orton dodges. Geez. Orton tries fighting, but gets lawn darted to the side of the cell. Henry yells at Orton “Welcome to my Hell!” and rubs Orton’s face on the Cell. In the ring, Orton eats a SPLASH after an irish whip attempt and CHOCOLATE DROP gets two. Henry teases a World’s Strongest Slam, but KNEE instead, twice. And gets a two again. Henry tries a bear hug (since he weakened Orton’s back with the knee drops) but Orton fights out with headbutts…which just prompts Mark to ram Orton into the turnbuckle. Henry goes for another Bear Hug, and just RAGDOLLS Orton. Every time Orton tries some offense, Henry headbutts his shoulder to stop it. Orton finally punches his way out, but eats another headbutt and throws Orton outside. Henry drags Orton on top of the steps and attemps a World’s Strongest Slam off the steps but CLIMBS THE CELL and hits Henry with kicks to the face and DDT on the steel. Orton drives Henry to the ringpost and drags him in the ring. Thesz press on Henry. Orton drops Henry with the second-rope DDT and LOL VOICES. RKO, but HENRY KICKS OUT. HOLY SHIT. Orton then attempts the PUNT, but Henry counters it with a WORLD’S STRONGEST SLAM and Henry WINS. YES!
But Henry comes back in and grabs a steel chair from under the ring to induct Orton into the Hall of Pain. WSS drops Orton. Henry attempts a Pillmanization, but Orton gets his foot out of the way. Orton now has the chair and hits Henry in the back. Henry tries to get out of dodge, but Orton still has the chair. Gotta keep Orton strong, LOL. Henry kicks Orton in the gut and gets away.
Backstage, Josh Mathews is joined by ADR. He says this isn’t fair, and he shouldn’t be in this match. But he says he is vicious, and warns them that they’ll see a different Del Rio in the Cell.
WHOOOOOAAAAAA announces the arrival of YOUR INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION, Cody Rhodes. And the bag boys. Cody announces that there are many in New Orleans that need bagging. Cody puts the IC title in the paper bag and produced the CLASSIC Intercontinental belt (in white leather), and rattles off such names who held the belt (Steamboat, Bret, Macho and Stone Cold) and says he’ll defend it any time, any place…and Johnny Ace interrupts and as per orders of Triple H tells Cody he’ll be defending the belt RIGHT NOW…against John Morrison.
Cody’s gonna fight in a suit. JoMo tries a quick rollup for two. JoMo hits Cody with a shoulderblock and Cody gets out of the ring. JoMo goes after him, and tosses him in…and Cody gets out of the ring. Tremendous. JoMo goes after him, but Cody hugs the ringpost, BEGGING for a countout and Cody suckers JoMo into some nice offense. Cody hits JoMo in the face with his Gucci’s and takes advantage. Cody hits a Hardcore Holly-esque guillotine kick and an Alabama Slam attempt gets countered. FIGURE FOUR LEGLOCK (to Woos from the crowd) but JoMo grabs the rope. Cody continues attacking JoMo in the face, and JoMo tosses Cody into the turnbuckle, lays on some clotheslines and kicks, and C4 for TWOOOOOOOOo. Cody goes for CrossRhodes, but PELE KICK to the Acrylic Mask gets Cody down. Cody counters a JoMo springboard kick mistake into a rollup for THREE.
Backstage, Haitch and Ace find AwesomeTruth attacking AirBoom and threatens to fire Ace if this happens again as AwesomeTruth get dragged off.
The Divas of Doom arrive with the Demolition-esque shoulderpads and Beth looks ready to kick Kelly’s face off. I hope. Speaking of the female John Cena, she’s accompanied by Goddamn Eve. Kelly goes and hits two Thesz presses early and splashes Beth. Kelly tries for her airplane headscissors, but Beth counters into a SIDEWALK SLAM. Beth ties Kelly up into a TREE OF WOE and dropkicks Double K right in the implants. Beth gets KK into a Dragon Sleeper. Kelly rotates out of it, but Beth yanks her hair. Beth spanks the K’s, and arches her in a submission. Kelly escapes and tries a rollup for two. Beth with a NICE classic Slingshot Suplex for two. Beth goes for the Glam Slam, but gets countered into a sunset flip for two. Beth is ANGRY and starts brutalizing the K’s. Beth gets tied up on the ropes and eats a neckbreaker. Kelly tries another flip, COUNTER AFTER COUNTER. Kelly tries a backslide, but Beth backs Kelly to the corner. Beth tries a splash, but gets countered. Handspring back elbow hits Beth and Kelly tries a bulldog from the top rope for TWO. Nattie distracts the ref, Eve tries to attack her but eats a guard rail. Kelly gets caught in the Reverse Surfboard, but she gets to the rope. Nattie taunts her with the mic, HITS KELLY WITH THE MIC while the Ref’s back is turned and Kelly eats the GLAM SLAM and it’s OVER. Thank GOD. Oh, but Kelly’s getting a rematch. Eh. Anyway, GO BETH AND NATTIE.
AWESOME Vengeance ad with Mark Henry. And AWW SHUCKY DUCKY. Dat sound can only mean the Hell in a Cell is being lowered. Recap of the ADR/Cena/Punk feud. ADR is introduced by the incomparable Ricardo Rodriguez. IL PATRON, ALBERTOOOOOOO DEL RRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIOOOOOOOOOOOOO. The crowd chants for CM Punk and gets him. And yes, my lovelies, it is indeed Clobbering Time. And here comes Cena, to a lovely chorus of boos. And cheers from the girls and kids. Big Match Intros, of course. Hahaha, Ricardo’s locked out. Punk goes after ADR immediately, but ADR runs away. He gets in the ring and Cena goes after him and he runs again. Cena gets out to attack ADR, and ADR gets in but Punk intercepts. Finally, they get to ADR and push each other away to stomp Del Rio. Punk has had enough and rolls Cena up for two. Punk and Cena trade finish counters. Punk gets Cena out, ADR tries to sneak up on Punk, but Punk throws ADR to Cena, who tries an AA but Punk suicide dives the both of them. Punk gains control and grabs a chair from under the ring, but Cena attacks him. Punk gets away and taunts Cena but Del Rio pushes him into the side of the Cell. Del Rio and Cena go after the chair in the ring, it gets tossed out, and ADR gets another chair. He sets it up in the corner and Cena pummels Del Rio with the usual. He hits the powerbomb, five knuckle shuffle, AA attempt but Del Rio counters into a Cross Arm Breaker, Del Rio gets kicked in the face by Punk. Punk counters both Del Rio and Cena and drops them both for a nearfall on both of them. Punk tosses ADR outside and focuses on Cena. Punk goes for a TABLE, sets it up outside. He hits the running knee on Cena on the apron, but Cena throws him into the cell. ADR hits Cena out of nowhere with the chair. Del Rip backdrops Cena into the chair (which BUCKLED) and gets two. ADR mocks Cena in the corner and puts him in the tree of woe. Cena pulls himself up and Del Rio eats RINGPOST. Cena tries the Fameasser but Punk OUT OF NOWHERE tosses him off and gets some offense on ADR for a couple of pin attempts. Del Rio gets a clothesline out of nowhere and puts Punk in a headlock and gets the advantage. OUT OF NOWHERE, Cena hits the Fameasser on Del Rio and gets nearfalls on both Punk and ADR. Cena goes for the AA, but Del Rio hits Cena with the Back Cracker. Punk hits Del Rio with a kick, and Cena punishes Punk and everyone’s DOWN. Punk and Cena in the ring with a nice BOO YAY sequence. GTS attempt, but Del Rio hits Punk and Cena with the chair. ADR punishes Cena with the chair, sandwiches the chair between two and SENTON and now ADR gets nearfalls on both. Nice. ADR calls for the Cross Arm Breaker, but Punk tosses ADR into the stairs outside. Ow. In the ring, AA on Punk but ADR OUT OF NOWHERE saves the belt for himself. ADR hits Cena with the running Enziguiri for two. CROSS ARM BREAKER but Cena’s blocking it. Punk hits a springboard senton into Del Rio, who he kicks out of the ring. GO TO SLEEP, but ADR pulls Punk out and throws Punk over the stairs. Del Rio finds another chair and TOSSES it into Punk’s KNEEEEEE. Del Rio tries attacking Cena, INSIDE CRADLE for two and Del Rio kicks Cena out and tosses him around the Cell. Punk gets attacked but he gets some momentum and hits Del Rio with two quick clotheslines. He climbs to the top rope, hits the Macho Elbow RIGHT INTO DEL RIO for TWOOOOO. Cena out of nowhere with shoulder blocks and powerbomb. You can’t see me interrupted with KICK TO THE FACE and scoop suplex. Punk tries another Macho Elbow but GETS THROWN INTO THE TABLE by ADR. Cena gets ADR into the STF, but RICARDO KNOCKS THE REF OUT WITH THE STEEL POPE, GETS THE KEY FROM THE REF, gets AA’d by Cena, steel Pipe to Cena by ADR and HE LOCKS CENA OUT OF THE CELL. TREMENDOUS. Del Rio throws Punk in the ring, goes for a bridging German Suplex for two. Punk counters another German with a rollup. Punk tries a top rope move, but ADR hits Punk with a FLYING ENZIGUIRI for TWO. Del Rio counters a Cross Arm Breaker attempt with a nice flurry of offense. Punk Bulldogs ADR and Cena’s realized he’s knocked out. Flying clothesline by Punk for two. Cena’s trying to break the door. ADR hits Punk with the STEEL PIPE and taunts Cena. But Punk tries a GTS, PIPE TO THE STOMACH and ADR WINS THE CHAMPIONSHIP!
The Cell is raised, Cena attacks ADR, but HOLY SHIT AWESOMETRUTH are attacking Cena and the officials. Haitch and Johnny Ace try to get in, and the entire locker room tries breaking the Cell down. They can’t raise the Cell and AwesomeTruth are just assaulting EVERYONE including ADR and the Cameramen! They finally get the bolt cutters to cut the chain and AwesomeTruth…surrender to the cops immediately? Haitch ATTACKS the handcuffed AwesomeTruth and hits Johnny Ace for trying to interfere! They get Haitch away from AwesomeTruth and the duo get dragged backstage as the PPV ends.
Final Thoughts: CHAOS EVERYWHERE. I’m really digging what they’re doing with Miz and Truth. And don’t you forget that Laurinitis prevented the Cell from being raised. Mmmhmm.
Both Cell matches were tremendous, and both had pretty Smark-friendly winners. Mark getting the win is the right move right now and won in decisive fashion against Orton. Cena/Punk/ADR had an amazing finish with ADR and Ricardo outsmarting Cena out of the championship.
I wish the Christian/Sheamus feud ends tonight. I don’t care much for it.
I DID dig the Cara vs. Cara match, and it went off without much botching. Misticara benefits from someone who knows how to fight the Lucha style. I don’t think we’ve seen the last of Hunicara, however.
ZigSwag vs. AirBoom was pretty fun, but I’d like to see more Tag Teams for AirBoom to play with.
Beth finally wins the Divas Championship. I wonder what shenanigans Kelly and Eve will do in order to get the belt pack. Or if they can, anyway.
Cody and JoMo put on something entertaining, and BAH GAWD, the classic IC Belt. I missed that thing. They need to do that with the WWE Championship belt too while they’re at it. Have ADR come out tomorrow on Raw without the Spinner belt and have him bring back the Winged Eagle.
I’m excited for Raw. Haitch losing it and attacking two former employees and generally losing any semblance of control over WWE should be a nice impetus for the Law Offices of David Otunga to get Haitch out of the way so Johnny Ace can take over. And what of Nash? AwesomeTruth? The Kliq tweeting each other teasing the return of the nWo? Mick Foley working the Internet again? Punk and Cena’s rematch clauses? Oh, we’re heading into a loaded Vengeance build-up.