LAST WEEK…WWE Dropped the ball. THIS WEEK…we’re in Mexico!
I’m a little disappointed we didn’t get a Spanish version of Burn It To The Ground. JUSTIN ROBERTS introduces the most exciting man in sports entertainment, JOHNNY ACE, who reminds us that he’s the EVP of talent relations and Interim Raw GM, teases Rey…going to San Diego for rehab. Oh, you cad. He says he won’t let the board down and the fans down. He said he made a mistake in firing JR. He flubs his line…and asks the crowd to welcome back JIM ROSS! Ace invites JR in the ring to apologize personally and gives him a big old hoss hug. He apologizes, BUT…he didn’t bring JR back to commentate. He shows off-the-air footage of Michael Cole, Alberto Del Rio and Ricardo Rodriguez singing goodbye to JR. Johnny Ace makes the main event of Cole and ADR vs. Jim Ross and John Cena. JR taunts Cole from the ring. TREMENDOUS.
And HERE COMES THE VIPER AWW SHUCKY DUCK…oh wait, Booker isn’t here. Orton arrives for a six-man tag match. His partners are JoMo (oh boy.) and Sheamus and they’re up against Christian, Cody Rhodes (WITH BAG BOYS) and YOUR WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION Mark Henry. During ring intros, Cody/Orton is announced for Vengeance. Christian starts out with Orton, and Orton dominates early. European uppercut grounds Christian as Orton tags in Sheamus, Christian IMMEDIATELY tags Cody in, who eats a shoulderblock from Sheamus. and gets a mudhole stomped in him in the corner. Cody telegraphs an irish whip, hits Orton, and tags in HENRY. Outside, Orton returns the favor to Cody and chases him to the ramp. Back from commercial, Christian and JoMo are the legal men as Cody and Orton are missing. Christian eats the C4 from JoMo and kicks out. Christian hits a backbreaker and tags in Henry, who headbutts the SHIT out of JoMo, drags him to the rope and STANDS ON JOMO’S CHEST. Christian tags in and keeps JoMo grounded, but he fights out, PELE KICK on Christian, who tags in Henry, who intercepts Morrison and eats a BEAR HUG from Mark. JoMo tries to fight out, but gets driven into the corner. Henry goes for a slplash, but JoMo tries getting out, tries a tornado DDT, but Henry’s too strong. JoMo hangs him up on the ropes, tries for a tag, but Christian prevents Sheamus from tagging. Uh oh, Christian and Sheamus brawl outside like Cody and Orton, leaving JoMo alone to try and slay the beast. JoMo hits a springboard kick, and tries something, but GETS TOSSED UP, CAUGHT INTO A WORLD’S STRONGEST SLAM and that’s it. They’re just gonna job JoMo out until his contract runs out, and it’s sad. Punk vs. Miz is announced for tonight. Sweet.
Another Brodus Clay package. I wonder which brand he’s going to. BACKSTAGE…the Bellas whore themselves out to Johnny Ace. Ace calls someone, but Ricardo quietly announces Del Rio. Ace says the winner of the match will pick the stip for Vengeance.
OH BOY, IT’S KELLY AND EVE. Eve’s gonna fight, and gets a Diva’s championship match at Vengeance. Nattle’s her opponent for tonight. Nattie overpowers Eve in the early going and gets put in the octopus stretch. Natte spanks Eve, thrilling YOUR TEEN DEMOGRAPHIC. Eve finally get the advantage, hits the SHITTY MOONSAULT. Yep, Beth’s keeping the belt at Vengeance.
CM Punk Has arrived and YES, IT IS TIME FOR CLOBBERING. Miz and Truth arrive to their TREMENDOUS THEME SONG. Miz reminds Punk that AwesomeTruth gave him a beatdown and cost Punk the championship, and that they did what he could never do: get Haitch out of power. AwesomeTruth threaten Punk this Sunday and OH BOY IT’S TIME TO PLAY THE GAME. In a suit, for some reason. Wait, he’s still COO, but no power over Raw. Huh. I wish they’d, y’know, CLAIRIFIED that last week. Back from commercial, Haitch is in Punk’s corner, and Punk and Miz CHAIN-WRESTLE. Miz and Punk go through a rope-run sequence, hits a dropkick to get Miz out of the ring and SUICIDE DIVE to the outside. Punk tries the Knee/Bulldog combo, but Miz gets out of the way, knocking Punk outside. Haitch stares Truth down to prevent him from assaulting Punk. Punk recovers and hangs Miz from the ropes, and hits the springboard clothesline for two. Punk kicks Miz in the back and gets two. Miz battles out of the corner and kicks Punk while he’s down. Punk counters with kicks and MONGOLIAN CHOP. Punk tries a kick, gets caught by Truth, Haitch tries getting in and the Ref is distracted while AwesomeTruth double team Punk. Miz takes the advantage and hits the AWESOMEclothesline in the corner. Miz putz Punk in a Camel Clutch-ish manouver which Punk counters into a back body drop. Miz counters Punk’s high knee, Miz goes for a double axe handle and KICKS MIZ in the stomach. Miz throws Punk to the outside and distracts the ref while Truth attacks Punk with a water bottle. Haitch chases Truth to the ramp where JOHNNY ACE produces DOCUMENTS with IMMIGRATION PROBLEMS that only Haitch can solve (someone probably needs burying) and has to leave. And hits Truth in the face anyway. Punk is left alone to the mercy of AweswomeTruth, but Punk rallies and hits a swinging neckbreaker and hits the HIGH KNEE/BULLDOG combo. Punk hits the MACHO ELBOW and calls for the GTS. Miz counters into the Skull Crushing Finale, which is countered by throwing Miz into Truth on the apron, and Punk rolls Miz up for THREEEEEE! Except post-match, AwesomeTruth beat Punk down but HERE COME THE REFS and AwesomeTruth back off…for a bit until Truth runs in and hits the LITTLE JIMMY on Punk. While the Refs take Truth away, Miz hits the SCF on Punk.
WWE.com polls hype WWE Network’s reality show, a reality show with the legends living under one roof. That will be fucking awesome. ZIG SWAG arrive with Vickie Guerrero, clad in a senorita dress. Vickie says she’s considered the Angelina Jolie of Mexico City, and she says she’s more than just a pretty face. Vickie announces that Johnny Ace allowed her to book Zig Swag to a Tag Title match on Sunday. Ziggler taunts the Mexican crowd with AMERICA, but they’ll be honored by Swagger in action. Swagger threatens to sing the American National Anthem. Oh god, he’s going through it. Someone interrupt this. Well, the crowd did. OH SHIT HERE COMES ZACK RYDER. Swagger picks Ryder apart early, but Swagger turns his back on Zack, ALWAYS A WRONG MOVE, Ryder hits knees to Swagger’s face and the ROUGH RYDER AND THAT’S IT! Zig Swag try to double team Zack, but HERE COMES MASON RYAN. Dude’s a big broski. Ryan grabs the stick and tells Ziggler that their match is NEXT.
Back from commercial, Ryan clotheslines Ziggler’s head off. Ziggler gets scoop slammed and HIGH VELOCITY KICK throws Ziggler to the outside. He’s hiding behind Vickie, who slapped Ryan. Ryan runs back in the ring and BRUTALIZES Ziggler and gets DQed for ignoring the five count. Ryan takes out Swagger, who ran in, and hits the tilt-a-whirl powerslam on Ziggler. Ryan walks to the back, Ryder in tow.
BACKSTAGE, JR and Cena talk. JR says he doesn’t want to be the weak link…but wants to put his hands on Cole anyway. Cole wants our attention, and says he’ll punish JR and might even pin Cena. He says his wife is Mexican, so the crowd should cheer for him. Cole’s tremendous as a heel, but in small doses. He should be a manager.
Josh Mathews replaces Cole while he’s getting ready for his match. Ricardo introduces EL PATRON (in a sweet black $150,000 Aston Martin) and also introduces Cole, in his stupid orange outfit from Wrestlemania. BOOMER SOONER hits and heeeeeeeere comes JR and he’s gonna kick your fucking head in. And of course, John Cena, but who cares about him. Cole starts off, but wants to fight JR. Cena tags JR in, and Ross SOCKS Cole in the face, and tags ADR in. JR quickly tags in Cena. The two lock up and EL PATRON gets taken for a ride quickly and eats a hip toss. ADR returns it in kind and shockingly, the crowd is 50/50 on ADR and Cena. Cena headlocks ADR, but ADR backdrops Cena for two. Cena goes for ADR on the corner, but ADR sidesteps and Cena hits the turnbuckles. ADR kicks Cena’s side and drags him to his corner, getting cheapshotted by Cole, who taunts Cena while he’s down. ADR climbs the top rope and hits a double axe handle for two. Del Rio taunts Cena with YOU CAN’T SEE ME while he’s down. ADR hits the snap suplex for two. ALBERTO chants from the crowd. I love it. Cena gets out of a headlock and tries an AA, but gets BRIDGING GERMAN SUPLEXED for two. Del Rio kicks Cena in the back to ground him again. Cena counters with an STF attempt but TILT-A-WHIRL BACKBREAKER interrupts Cena’s offense. EL PATRON hits a HUGE Shining Wizard for two. ADR climbs the ropes and misses a Senton. Cena hits the FIVE MOVES OF DOOM (Shoulderblockshoulderblockprotobombfiveknuckleshuffle) but ADR TAGS IN MICHAEL COLE, who Cena tosses in the ring. Cole tries begging off, but eats an AA to finish the Five Moves. He goes for the STF but tags JR in, who returns the favor from Wrestlemania and ANKLELOCK wins it for JR and Cena. BUT ADR attacks Cena from behind. Except, he eats an Attitude Adjustment. Cena smashes the ring steps into ADR’s face, and announces the stip for Vengeance by counting to ten. Yep, it’s a Last Man Standing match.
Final Thoughts: So-so Raw, aside from Ryder squashing Swagger. So far, Johnny Ace’s reign is just like any other heel GM reign, but with a subtle “I’m not a heel, really, wink wink” feel to it by making some fan-friendly decisions.
John Morrison’s just treading water until his contract runs out (apparently soon). I think he knows it, too.
Why is Diva’s Match?
Punk/Miz was the best match of the night, but the immigration papers angle was completely stupid to get Haitch out of ringside.
I love the Ziggler/Ryder feud. Mason Ryan as Ryder’s backup gives the big guy at least SOMETHING to do. I just wish it was Michael McGillycutty instead. Dude needs something to do to build him up. Maybe hype up the Hennig name more.
The Cena/JR vs. ADR/Cole match was just to get the Last Man Standing stip, and give JR a proper send-off. I’d like to see the Last Man Standing match, mostly because they’ve been giving ADR creative ways of winning lately. What I hope for? Duct tape on Cena.