AWW SHUCKY DUCKY. We’re starting off with a Night Before Christmas-esque poem and Kasabian for some reason.
And Vickie Guerrero destroys our eardrums with a Merry Christmas and introduces Dolph Ziggler (with terrible music), and RYDER ARRIVES to THUNDEROUS applause and of course filming Z!TLIS. Ziggler and Ryder pull off some nice sequences until Ryder catches Ziggler’s legs and slingshots him to the turnbuckle, followed by a clothesline to the outside. Ryder follows up with a plancha to hit Ziggler and lands on his feet. WWW! He slams Ziggler’s face into the apron then they battle on there. Ziggler hits a DDT on the apron and rolls in. Ryder almost gets counted out. Ziggler hits a neckbreaker then SHOWS OFF with eight consecutive elbow drops. He hits another elbow drop, this time to the back of Ryder’s head, and gets two. Ziggler gets Ryder in a headlock as LET’S GO RYDER WOO WOO WOO chants fill the arena. Ziggler takes Ryder down and gets two. Ziggler hits an ANGLE SLAM for two. Ziggler drags Ryder up the top rope, but Ryder socks Ziggler and hits a Missile Dropkick for two. Ziggler rushes Ryder, but runs into an elbow TWICE and telegraphs a facebuster. Ryder hits a flying forearm on the corner and BROSKI BOOT. COVER, but Vickie puts Dolph’s leg on the ropes BUT THE REF CAUGHT HER AND SHE GETS EJECTED! VICKIE IS INCENSED. Rollup by Ryder gets two, countered into a rollup of his own by Dolph assisted by the ropes but Ryder manages to kick out. Dolph rolls out to the apron and hangs Ryder up on the ropes. Ziggler goes for the Fameasser but Ryder counters into a rollup for two. Ziggler gets the Fameasser for two. Ziggler goes for the sleeper hold but Ryder gets the ropes and throws him off immediately, but DROPKICK OUT OF NOWHERE BY ZIGGLER gets TWO. Ziggler goes up top but gets interrupted by Ryder. HURRICANRANA by Ryder gets two. Ryder calls for the Rough Ryder but Ziggler with SNAKE EYES into the Turnbuckle, rolls up with tights and GETS TWOOOO. Ziggler runs into Ryder’s KNEES and ROUGH RYDER GETS IT! RYDER WINS THE BELT! RYDER WINS THE BELT! WWWYKI! I’M BROING OUT, MARK! RYDER’S DAD AND THE BIG O ARE CELEBRATING IN THE CROWD! COLE LOOKS LIKE HE’S ABOUT TO CRY! ZACK AND BIG O ARE HUGGING ZACK! THE BROHOOD DREAM HAS COME TRUE!
Backstage, Booker T is attacked by Cody Rhodes while he’s talking to Alicia Fox. Dat’s not cool, dawg.
Next up, AirBoom are back from suspension to defend against Primo and Epico, the new Colons. Dat Rosa dance. Epico and Bourne start off as a lone smark chants for Carlito. Quick rollup by Epico is answered by a rollup by Bourne. They tie up and Epico eats a Sunset Flip by Bourne for one. Epico tries a snapmare, but Bourne lands on his feet and tries a kick. Epico dodges and eats a headscissors by Bourne. Bourne tags in Kofi and double leapfrog into a dropkick by Kofi gets two. Epico tags Primo in and they eat a double dropkick from Kofi. Primo tries to monkey flip Kofi, but Kofi lands on his feet and delivers a monkey flip of his own for two. Kofi tags Evan in and hit an assisted headscissors for two. Primo hits a back kick and tags Epico in, and they catch Evan’s flying crossbody and they toss him out of the ring through the second rope. Nice. Primo throws Bourne back in and Epico gets two. Epico tags Primo in and they vault out and in the ring respectively and frequent tags by the cousins ground Bourne. Primo hooks Bourne’s leg up and gets two. Bourne fights out of Primo’s headlock and almost reaches Kofi, but Primo carries him to his corner. Primo tags Epico in and irish whips Evan into Epico’s dropkick which gets two. Epico hits a beautiful (epic?) double backdrop into a German for two. Epico mocks Kofi’s BOOM taunt and I’m sold on him immediately. Epico calls for and gets a Gory Special, but Bourne sunset flips through for for two. He hits the KNEES and gets the tag (and so does Epico) and Kofi hits him with a leaping clothesline. FLURRY. Boom Drop and Kofi calls for Trouble in Paradise, but Primo ducks out of the way, and Kofi hits a double jumping crossbody from the corner for two until Epico saves it. Epico eats a kick from Bourne and rolls out of the ring. Bourne hits a high crossbody from the top rope to Epico outside, and Kofi hits Trouble in Paradise and that’s IT.
Backstage, Josh Mathews says Booker is being evaluated by the doctors and Cody just walked by with a huge smile on his face.
STILL BACKSTAGE, Teddy Long is wearing a Santa outfit and Hornswoggle is wondering why he’s dressed as an elf. Teddy gives Hornswoggle an Ebonics Rosetta Stone for Christmas. Swoggle responds by pulling Teddy’s Santa beard down and stomping on his foot. Teddy threatens to kick Swoggle right in his Christmas ornament.
Next is a Tables match and oh god Orton is out and I’m bored out of my mind already. Wade can’t save this crap. Fuck this bullshit, LOLORTONWINS with an RKO through the table countering Wade’s splash from the second rope. Well, Wade’s leg hit the table first and it splintered before the RKO, but whatever.
Backstage, the Bellas are on Teddy’s lap and he gives them his number as a present. Swagger makes fun of Teddy and complains about Mark Henry hitting him with a chair. He says he’s a former world champ…and is interrupted by Sheamus, who wishes Teddy and Swagger a Merry Christmas. Swagger calls Sheamus a good, and Sheamus regales us with an old irish tale about how Swagger is an idiot or something. Anyway, Teddy makes this a match. GEE, GUESS WHAT HAPPENS IN THAT ONE.
Anyhoo, here’s Beth Phoenix, followed by the K’s and her dead eyes. Beth offers Kelly the first shot. Kelly doesn’t take it so Beth tries to slap Kelly, who avoids it and slaps Beth. Who…laughs? Beth charges Kelly and Kelly dodges sending Beth to the outside. Kelly faceplants Beth from the apron and hits Beth’s face on the apron a couple of times. Kelly hits a headstand reverse headscisssors submission on the ropes, but gets broken up by the ref. Beth tries a clothesline, but Kelly reverses into a headscissors to the corner. Kelly tries a splash, but Beth catches her and hangs up up on the ropes. Beth stomps a mudhole in Kelly, who screams like a goddamn rape victim once again. Beth gets two then grabs Kelly by the hair and yanks it and her neck through the second rope, then steps on Kelly on the bottom rope. Beth then puts Kelly in a Camel Clutch then uses her hips to attack Kelly’s back. Kelly rolls Beth up for two. Beth gets Kelly up on her shoulders but she fights back and hits a bulldog on Beth and smashes her head on the canvas multiple times while screaming like a goddamn rape victim. Kelly tries a crossbody but Beth catches her and hits a Spinebuster for two. Beth goes up top and tries a legdrop, but Kelly rolls out of the way. Kelly calls for the K2, but Beth counters into the GLAM SLAM but Kelly reverses, which Beth then reverses. Kelly tries a Hurricanrana, but gets caught and Beth hits an alley-oop for THREE.
Backstage, Del Rio is angry at Ricardo for not having his car ready. He yells at Ricardo to get him some food. Miz arrives and tells Del Rio that their alliance is dead. Del Rio concurs and they insult each other, with Del Rio saying Miz couldn’t even take on Ricardo. Oh, dem’s fightin’ words. Ricardo arrives with food, which Miz then promptly smashes in Ricardo’s face. Del Rio then pushes Ricardo down.
ROYAL RUMBLE PROMO WITH SANTINO AS A FORTUNE TELLER.
BUT NEVERMIND THAT SHIT, CAN YOU DIG IT, SUCKA? Booker arrives for his match with Cody and CODY ATTACKS FROM BEHIND, ONCE AGAIN. The Refs, the Doctor and a couple Agents (I SEE STEAMBOAT!) check on Booker.
HERE COMES NASH AND ROCKHOUSE. Hey, Nash has new gear. Nash looks up at the Sledgehammer and throws up the Wolfpac/Kliq sign. And here comes Trips. It’s burying time. And apparently, Haitch is still COO. Spotlight fail on Haitch’s spit spot and someone’s getting fired. They brawl for a good while until Haitch clotheslines Nash out of the ring and…is that a gut I see forming on ol’ Haitch? He smashes Nash’s face on the announce table and grabs a ladder, but Nash kicks Haitch right into the ladder. Nash rams the ladder into Haitch’s face. Haitch recovers and hits a flying clothesline off the announce table on Nash. Haitch clotheslines Nash over the barricade. Haitch runs into Nash’s elbow. Nash hits Snake Eyes on the guard rail and then smashes Haitch’s face on the steel steps. Nash tries to send Haitch to the ringpost, but Haitch countered (horribly) and sends Nash into the ringpost instead. Haitch goes for Nash’s leg and throws him in the ring. He then rams the ladder to attack Nash’s leg a few times. What’s this? Haitch puts Nash’s leg through the ladder. He can’t be doing what I think he’s gonna do. OH GOD. HE IS. A FIGURE FOUR THROUGH THE LADDER! DEM QUADS HURTING. Haitch backdrops the ladder onto Nash. Nash manages to irish whip Haitch face first into the ladder and he tumbles out of the ring. Nash wedges a ladder in the turnbuckle and attacks Haitch with elbows on the apron. Nash hits a SIDE SLAM on the ladder then throws him under the wedged ladder. Haitch gets slingshotted face-first into it. Ow. Nash goes to the outside and dismantles the announce tables. Haitch somehow counters Nash’s powerbomb and Nash is thrown over the table. Haitch sets the ladder up and ALMOST gets the Sledgehammer when Nash out of nowhere hammers Haitch’s back. Nash irish whips Haitch into the ladder in the corner and chokeslams Haitch. Nash grabs a table from under the ring. Nash sets it up and tries hitting a powerbomb on Haitch through the table but gets thrown into the ladder. Haitch and Nash both on top of the ladder and the Hammer isn’t in play. Haitch uses the Sledgehammer and swings it in Nash’s face, SENDING NASH THROUGH THE TABLE. Haitch unhooks the Sledgehammer and attacks Nash’s knees with the Sledgehammer. Haitch throws the ladders out of the ring, throws the Sledgehammer away and hits the Pedigree. The crowd chants for one more Pedigree but Haitch gets the Hammer instead. Nash tries to back away and throws up the Wolfpac/Kliq sign, but Haitch DX chops as an answer and hits the Sledgehammer for three. Nash is strapped to the gurney and taken away, mirroring what Nash did to Haitch.
BACKSTAGE, Matt Striker interviews Punk about Miz and Del Rio’s attack. Punk says he saw something more painful than Michael Cole’s commentary, Johnny Ace accepting his Superstar of the Year award. Speak of the devil, he says Punk’s slammy is in the mail. Ace wishes him luck, and Punk says luck’s for losers.
AND HERE COMES JACK SWAGGER, about to job to Sheamus. Yeah, why do we have a squash on a PPV again? Won’t even bother recapping this, Sheamus wins with the Brogue Kick.
Backstage, Josh Mathews interviews Show and I’m bored. Generic face promo 101, plus Chairs.
Show comes out and I still don’t care about this feud. Henry arrives and we get big match intro from Lilian. Show goes outside and tosses a dozen chairs in and Mark tries walking away. He asks for his title and says “this ain’t happening”. Show chases after him and hits Henry with a chair. Henry’s angry and headbutts Show and waffles him with a chair on the steel steps. Henry attacks Show’s right hand, effectively killing the WMD. Henry continues attacking Show with a chair swatting down his offense. Henry stomps on the injured hand as he stacks some chairs up in the middle. Show HITS THE WMD and Henry is OUT. Uhh…it’s over. Show won WITH A BROKEN FREAKIN’ HAND. Henry attacks Show with the chair anyway and DDTs SHOW ON THE CHAIRS.
OH SHIT DANIEL BRYAN’S MUSIC! HE’S CASHING IN!
BRYAN PINS SHOW! IT’S OVER!
DANIEL BRYAN IS YOUR NEEEEEEWWWWWW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION!
He rubs it in Cole’s face! NICE. Show’s in the ring looking incredulous. Bryan looks at the camera and thanks the fans who have supported him for these past 12 years, and he celebrates with the crowd. King FORCES Cole to call the replay. Show just smiles, looking like he can’t believe it and walks up the ramp as Bryan continues celebrating with the crowd. He walks to the back as the crowd roars in approval.
Backstage, Josh Mathews interviews Booker T, who still wants to compete for the Intercontinental Championship even after two attacks by Cody Rhodes.
Cody comes out first, all smiles. AND WE ARE GOING TO DIG IT AGAIN SUCKAAAAAA. Booker comes out and HE ANGRY. Booker’s attacking Cody with his signature stuff immediately. The crowd’s chanting YOU’VE STILL GOT IT. Booker tosses Cody out of the ring and chops him to hell. Cody finally gets some offense when he gets Booker on the apron with a forearm. Cody grounds booker with a full nelson. Booker breaks out of it and DOUBLE CLOTHESLINE. They get up before a 10 count and BOO YAY punch sequence until Cody goes for an irish whip. Booker counters with USUAL BOOKER FLURRY. Booker SPINAROONIES but he looks woozy, selling the attack to the head in the second attack. He goes for the Scissors Kick, but Cody hits a Beautiful Disaster for two. Another Beautiful Disaster ends it.
Recap of Ryder winning the US Title, and Bryan winning the WHC. Ricardo, looking worse for wear, professionally introduces EL PATRON who didn’t arrive in a swanky car tonight. Miz is next, followed by IT’S TIME FOR CLOBBERING.
Punk attacks Miz first, but Miz and Del Rio team up on Punk fast. Punk battles out, but runs into Miz’s boot. Punk and Del Rio continue teaming up and double suplex Punk. They stomp on Punk then both of them leave the ring to get ladders. But Miz was just faking and tries running in the ring. Ricardo distracts him long enough for Del Rio to attack him with a chair. Del Rio grabs a ladder and PUNKOUTOFNOWHERE Suicide Dives into Del Rio, smashing the ladder into EL PATRON. Punk then throws Miz in and grabs a chair, but Miz has recovered enough and attacks Punk with STOMPS. He sets up Punk in the corner and USES THE CHAIR TO JUMP AT PUNK but Punk moves out of the way and Miz eats turnbuckle. Punk sets the chair up for KNEE! BULLDOG ON THE CHAIR…but NO! MIZ COUNTERS INTO A BACKDROP ON THE CHAIR! FUCKING OW! Miz rolls out to get a ladder but Del Rio runs in and TOSSES MIZ INTO THE LADDER. Del Rio tries to get the Ladder in the ring, but Punk tries baseball sliding. Del Rio raises the ladder, tries hitting Punk with it, but Punk kicks the ladder into ADR’s face. Punk then tosses Del Rio to the barricade. Punk sets the table up and threatens to suplex ADR into it, but Del Rio reverses it into a German attempt. Punk reverses THAT into a Neckbreaker…and RUNS INTO A CHAIR TO THE GUT FROM MIZ. Miz tries Waffling Punk with the chair, but hits the Ringpost instead. Punk punishes Miz with Chair shots to the back. Punk sits Miz up on the barricade and sets the back of the chair up against Miz’s leg. Punk uses the chair as a stepping stone to KNEE MIZ OVER THE GUARD RAIL. Punk then gets the ladder in the ring and climbs it. But RICARDO HAS HIS ARM! RICARDO HANCDUFFS PUNK TO THE LADDER! ARD RUNS IN AND SUPERKICKS PUNK! Del Rio continues beating Punk up and climbs the ladder but Punk BREAKS THE SAFETY STRUT OF THE LADDER AND GETS HIMSELF FREE. The Ladder is pushed down and Punk uses the Handcuffs as a weapon! Punk sets the ladder against the rope and FLAPJACKS DEL RIO ONTO IT. From behind, Miz has another ladder as Punk gets out to grab another Ladder. He sees Lawler pointing to Miz and goes after him, but Miz hits Punk in the ribs with the ladder instead. Miz climbs but Punk grabs in and GTS POSITION but Miz fights out of it to the corner. Punk tosses Miz, but Miz hangs on the apron. Punk gets Miz up for a Superplex position and threatens to put Miz through the table, but ADR IS HERE and ENZIFUCKINGGUIRI TO PUNK ON THE TOP ROPE. PUNK FALLS THROUGH THE TABLE! DEL RIO GOES AFTER MIZ and tosses him to the table near the entranceway. Del Rio brutalizes Miz on the entranceway and USES THE LADDER TO PUT THE CROSS ARM BREAKER ON MIZ. Ricardo reminds Del Rio that Punk is down and he grabs a couple of chairs. He hits Punk with one of the chairs, puts the chair around Punk’s arm and CROSS ARM BREAKER THROUGH THE CHAIR! Del Rio climbs the ladder but PUNK AND MIZ ARE IN THE RING CRAWLING WITH ONE ARM EACH! They use their good arms to PUSH THE LADDER and Del Rio gets hung up on the ropes and finally falls down to the floor! Punk and Miz are on their knees and hammer each other with their good arms. They fight their way to their feet and DOUBLE CLOTHESLINE! OH BUT WHAT’S THIS? Ricardo’s climbing the ladder! DO IT, KID! MAKE YOURSELF FAMOUS! PUNKA ND MIZ TIP THE LADDER OVER AND RICARDO GOES THROUGH A TABLE ON THE OUTISDE. HOLY SHIT, HE’S BROKEN IN HALF. Fecal chants fill the arena and Ricardo just got the spot of the night. Miz and Punk recover and Punk tries a GTS. Miz wriggles out of it and tries a Skull Crushing finale, but Punk drives Miz back into the turnbuckles. Punk threatens a shoulderblock, but Miz moves and eats Ringpost instead. MIZ TAKES ADVANTAGE OF THIS AND HANDCUFFS MIZ TO THE MIDDLE TURNBUCKLE! Punk looks scared as he’s effectively lost his title. Miz stares him down smiling and taunts him right out of arm’s reach. BUT NOT KICK’S REACH, and Punk KICKS THE SHIT OUT OF THE BACK OF MIZ’S HEAD AND TIMBEEEEEEEERRRRRRR. But Punk’s still trapped. Punk then hurriedly dismantles the turnbuckle as Del Rio throws another ladder in the ring. He’s unscrewing the turnbuckle as Del Rio’s setting up his ladder. Miz is waking up and sets up HIS ladder. Miz and Del Rio climb the ladders but PUNK HAS UNSCREWED THE TURNBUCKLE AND GETS FREE AS THE CROWD GOES FUCKING NUTS! Punk climbs the smaller ladder Del Rio brought in and punches the shit out of Miz and Del Rio and Punk manages to slam Miz’s head onto the ladder. Punk goes to the other ladder while Del Rio’s trying to get the belt and PUNK KICKS DEL RIO’S HEAD OFF AND DOWN HE GOES. Miz grabs Punk’s leg and pulls him down. Miz scrambles up the ladder but Punk yanks him down and GTS! GOODNIGHT MIZ! PUNK SCRAMBLES UP THE LADDER AND RETAINS HIS TITLE! Holy shit, that was a great match. Punk poses on top of the ladder as we end this PPV.
Final Thoughts: What a show.
Ryder finally wins the US Championship and Ziggler can move on to the main event…I hope.
The Tag Title match was actually pretty entertaining. The New Colons hung with the Tag Champs and looked good doing it.
Orton’s win is just there because Cena isn’t on the card. Meh.
Beth actually pulled a semi-good match out of Kelly. I’m impressed.
Nash and Haitch put on a pretty good brawl. Much better than the trainwreck I expected.
The Show/Henry match was ridiculously short due to Henry’s injury, but Daniel Bryan’s title win made it worthwhile. I can’t wait for either Show or Bryan to turn heel. Either way would be good to build up till Wrestlemania.
Cody/Booker was pretty much built on Cody attacking Booker. Nice, logical finish with Booker getting woozy after the attacks to the head and the Spinaroonie.
And what a main event. Punk, Miz and Del Rio pulled out all the stops. Hell, even Ricardo, who took that insane bump through the table. Punk being smart and dismantling the turnbuckle was a clever twist to the handcuff scenario and Punk winning didn’t weaken Del Rio or Miz.
All in all a great night for wrestling. Probably my favorite PPV of 2011 aside from MitB.