LAST NIGHT: CM Punk won the WWE Title, The Rock showed no ring rust whatsoever, and it was an awesome PPV.
TONIGHT: Jonah Hill guest stars. Well, shit.
And CM Punk arrives as YOUR NEWWWWWWWWWWWWWW WWE CHAMPION. And apparently Jerry Lawler’s voice is shot. Which is why Booker T is covering for him. Punk is given the PIPE BOMB and tells us a story. He says he was asked in the first grade what he wanted to be when he grew up and he said he wanted to be a professional wrestler. And since he is a lifelong fan, it was a special moment for him to win the title at MSG. He did this on his own and he says the hot potato crap is over and the title is staying on the shoulder of THE BEST IN THE WORLD. He says he is the new face of the WWE even if the “higher-ups” don’t like it. Like he told Del Rio, he’s going to make the title interesting again. He says he wants to be an agent of change and he wants to know where the WWE Ice Cream Bars are. And he wants to change INTERIM GENERAL MANAGER JOHN LAURINAITIS into FORMER INTERIM GENERAL MANAGER JOHN LAURINAITIS. Speaking of whom, ACE INTERRUPTS and he says they could have a non-adversarial relationship since both of them want the same thing: what’s best for the WWE Universe. Ace congratulates Punk and he’s taking the high road because he doesn’t understand Punk’s issue with him.
Punk says McMachon is a greedy, money-grubbing, soulless bastard, but he’ll tell that to you to your face. Punk compares Ace to Bill Lumberg without the comedy. GLORIOUS. Punk says that reference is way over Ace’s head because he’s so out of touch. Punk says not to call the audience a WWE Universe, they’re FANS and the Universe crap is just a buzzword to keep his bosses happy. Punk says Ace is manipulative and that he is a soul-sucking middle-management douchebag stooge. WHOA. DAT’S NOT PG. Ace says he’s UPPER-Management. He says he has a wild side and he’s creative and dynamic. He’ll prove it by giving Del Rio his rematch next week. Punk counters why not now? Ace says he’ll test the mettle of the championship tonight by facing Dolph Ziggler in a Champ vs. Champ match. Punk says it’s not creative or innovative at all, it’s just stupid. Ace isn’t listening to the fans, he says. They don’t want Punk vs. Ziggler (CUE WE WANT RYDER CHANTS), they want Ziggler vs. Zack Ryder. But Ace says Ryder is busy tonight with Del Rio. Punk says all right and says he’ll beat Ziggler tonight and Del Rio next week. Then he goes up to Ace and threatens one day, SOMEONE will beat some sense into him. Aww, Shucky Ducky.
BUT WAIT. Cole says Zack Ryder doesn’t just have CM Punk and he thousands in MSG behind him, after Survivor Series, THE ROCK puts his support behind Zack after hearing the THOUSANDS IN ATTENDANCE chant WE WANT RYDER, WOO WOO WOO. AND HERE COMES ZACK RYDER AND THE CROWD LOVES HIM. And he’s filming Z!TLIS. AND HERE COMES EL PATRON (in a 2009 Bentley, $175,000) and Ryder steals Ricardo’s mic and WWWYKI. Glorious. And Del Rio beats Ryder down immediately, focusting on the arm. Ryder gets out of it with PUNCHES and nice volley and DLAPJACK. DEL RIO RUNS INTO RYDER’S KNEES and HITS THE BROSKI BOOT on ADR. He calls for Rough Ryder, but Del Rio pushes Ryder into the ropes. ENZIGUIRI and CROSS ARM BREAKER and it’s over. BOO THIS MAN.
HERE COMES SHEAMUS and he is YELLING and LOBSTER HEADS and TOO MANY LIMES. And poor Jack Swagger. He’s gonna get brutalized. Lockup and Swagger takes Sheamus down with a belly to back but Sheamus brutalizes Swagger. He runs out of the ring and yells for the Ref to get Sheamus in control. Swagger finally gets the advantage and VADERBOMB for two. Sheamus completely brutalizes Swagger with a flurry of high impact moves. Sheamus goes up top and misses a Battering ram, but rolled through, BROGUE KICK ATTEMPT, Swagger ducks and ANKLELOCK. Sheamus counters and BROGUE KICK and GOOD NIGHT SWAGGER.
Backstage, KEVIN NASH (WITH BEARD) IS ON HIS WAY OUT. AND HE IS HERE. Last night, he was at MSG and thought of what could have been. In that arena, he beat Backlund in eight seconds. In that arena, four friends (Hall, Shawn, himself and Haitch) put their friendship above the business. But when he came back, he didn’t get a friend, Nash found a boss. He says last night, it should have been him and Haitch in the main event, taking on Rock and Cena, but it didn’t happen because Triple H is gone, taken out by his own Sledgehammer, by Nash. He says the real survivor of the Kliq stands before you. Aww, them’s fighting words.
IN THE RING is Cody Rhodes and he mentions being disfigured made him a victim of predators like Orton. But Cody is unrepentant and free. AND HERE COMES SANTINO. And…yeah, this is a squash. Quick CrossRhodes ends it. And after the match, Cody yells at Booker and throws water in his face. TELL ME YOU DID NOT JUST DO THAT.
BACKSTAGE…Josh Mathews interviews Dolph. Ziggler says he doesn’t want to be a showoff but he is the new face of WWE. Ziggler comes out with a…slightly different theme. It’s the same song, but different verse at the beginning. He, sadly, is no longer perfection. And HERE COMES PUNK. And apparently it is time for clobbering. Hunker down, kiddies. This is gonna be wrestling 101. Punk puts Ziggler in a headlock, which Ziggler counters into a headscissors, which is counters into a reverse full nelson. And it’s HOLD EXCHANGE AFTER HOLD EXCHANGE. They run the ropes and Dolph chickenshits out of the ring. Back in the ring, KICKS gets two, Dolph with a neckbreaker for two. Ziggler gains the advantage and wears Punk down slowly. Just noticed Ziggler has HASTAG HEEL on his trunks. Nice. Ziggler puts Punk in a chokehold, but Punk battles out but eats a kneelift for two. Punk VERY SMARTLY ignores Vickie’s distraction, but Ziggler moves out of the way of Punk’s corner knee. Dolph does a headstand before the break. Yes, you heard that right. Back from the break, Punk finally gets the advantage and almost gets the GTS but gets countered into the SLEEPER. Punk was fading a bit, but gets up and forces the GTS position. Ziggler goes for FOOT LEVERAGE, Punk counters with ARM LEVERAGE. Sweet. OPunk counters the ZIG ZAG by holding on to the ropes and KNEE/BULLDOG COMBO gets twoooo. Punk calls for the MACHO ELBOW but Ziggler rolled away, but Punk eats a DROPKICK OUT OF NOWHERE for two. Zigger puts Punk up on the ropes, Punk counters with MONGOLIAN CHAP and hits the MACHO ELBOW and the crowd chants for the GTS. Ziggler counters it into a reverse T-Bone and gets TWOOOOO. Ziggler is ANGRY and the Ref keeps them apart. Ziggler charges Punk, but Punk hits a Spinebuster, then a GTS for the WIN. TREMENDOUS MATCH.
What’s this? A Kane teaser? OH SO VERY WANT. WEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLL, it’s the Big Show. And he has the stick. He regales us with his story of how he’s better than Mark Henry and Henry took the easy way out with the nut shot. But Show promised only one of them would walk out of Survivor Series. Apparently, Mark’s leg isn’t broken. Show promises to punch Henry out when he comes back.
BACKSTAGE…The Divas of Destruction say that unlike their characters in ‘12, the Barbie Doll Divas will cry after getting beat. WADE BARRETT WALKS TO THE RING. And Kofi Kingston enters as well. Wade just dominates Kofi early on, but Kofi counters Wade’s Side Slam into a rollup for two. Wade goes for Wasteland, and ORTON COMES OUT to interrupt and distract Wade for a bit. Back from commercial, Wade’s still in control on Kofi but Randy’s sticking around. TREMENDOUS TILT-A-WHIRL SIDE SLAM gets two. Fuck ow. BOOT TO KOFI’S FACE while he’s hung up on the ropes gets twoooooooo. Wade’s just brutalizing Kofi and looking back at Orton. Kofi counters the barrage with kicks, but Wade keeps shooting it down. Kofi with an insane suicide dive to Wade on the outside. Kofi climbs to the top rope, but Barrett intercepts and threatens a Wasteland from the top rope, but Kofi fights out and CROSSBODY for TWOOOOO. Kofi gets the Boom Drop, PENDULUM KICK but Wade kicks the rope out from under Kofi’s springboard and WASTELAND looking right at Orton and that’s it. Wade rubs the win in Randy’s face. Ha! Orton threatened to hit Wade and Barrett flinches. Ugh, GOTTA KEEP ORTON STRONG.
Cena arrives (and for some reason, tells us that someone wanted him to deliver a baby, but he’s not qualified) and BOO THIS MAN. The last 24 hours have been interesting, he says, because of Zack Ryder (who Cena reminds to follow on Twitter) and Punk. But he talks about his and Rocky’s win last night. And the aftermath, he says Rocky wanted Cena to get into the ring and says he ate a Rock Bottom. And that makes Wrestlemania…OH SHIT HERE COMES AWESOME TRUTH.
REALLY?, Miz asks. He says Cena’s ego won’t let him admit that Rocky showed him up. And that 17,000 people were chanting DON’T TAG CENA. He says Cena always says YOU CAN’T SEE ME, and that last night, nobody wanted to see Cena. Oooo, dem’s fightin’ words. Truth asks Cena what color the sky is in his world. Truth enlightens him on what will happen: BOOTS TO ASSES ON HIS FRUITY BOOTY. Cena yells at them to shut up and threatens them. He says that Rocky hasn’t lost it and no-one cares about Awesome Truth. Nope, Cena. Cena’s trying to turn Awesome Truth against each other and walks away. Ugh, don’t tell me they’re teasing dissension between Awesome Truth. Why? Why are they fighting? This is Cena’s doing! Miz says Cena’s playing both of them. They finally get on the same page and go backstage to…WAIT SKULL CRUSHING FINALE ON TRUTH ON THE STAGE. GODDAMMIT, CENA. WHY YOU BREAK UP AWESOME TAG TEAM?
Final Thoughts: Punk’s promo at the beginning was tremendous, as always. I can’t wait to see Punk fuck with Ace.
Ryder and Del Rio was what it was. Listen to the crowd, Vince. They want Ryder.
Sheamus vs. Swagger was…eh. Good match, but filler.
Nash’s promos are nailing it. I want to see him and Haitch get it on.
Squashing Santino was just to give Cody some mic time. Can’t fault ‘em for that, Cody’s been great the past few months. Not sure about the Booker T/Cody feud, though.
Ziggler/Punk was just lovely. Certainly made this Raw a better show than most Raws.
Kofi/Wade was just a big Orton/Wade teaser. I like that they’re pushing Wade, but where the fuck was this push when he was leader of Nexus? He really should have gotten the belt.
Ugh, and that final segment. Awesome Truth is a great tag team. They played off well together. Why break them up now?