LAST WEEK: WWWYKI!
THIS WEEK: RAW GETS A CRAPPY SUBTITLE: RAW GETS ROCKED.
We’re starting off Raw with the…Michael Cole Challenge. Ugh. Well, at least it gets that bullshit out of the way. King is announcing alone. Cole arrives in an ill-fitting white suit and asks for our attention, please. He says JR is in Boston tonight and Cole introduces him. JR arrives and he’s about to kick ass. The Michael Cole challenge consists of three challenges: Arm Wrestling (which JR promptly wins), a Dance-Off (which JR promptly wins by BUSTING A FUCKING MOVE), and finally a who weighs less competition (which JR los…OH WAIT HERE COMES CM PUNK WITH A PIPE BOMB.
Punk says Cole’s time is up. Punk said since Cole didn’t give JR a fair shot, and this is a colossal waste of time. Punk says between Cole, Del Rio and Johnny Ace, it’s become unbearable. Cole’s only been there for a bit and it already feels like three hours. JOHNNY ACE IS HERE and says his Twitter says they want the competition to continue. Punk says screw him and his Twitter followers. Ace says he cares about his Twitter followers and the WWE Universe and he’ll give them what they want. Tonight, it’s Punk and Big Show vs. Mark Henry and Del Rio. Punk ponders this and Cole demands an apology for all the things he said. And Punk apologizes by HEADBUTT then PUTTING AN ANACONDA VICE on Cole to shut him up for the night. THANK YOU, PUNK!
Matt Striker is backstage and HE IS BACK. FROM THE LIMO, HERE COMES MICK FOLEY! And Mick says this is a night neither Cena nor Rock will forget. THEN CHEAP POP. I MISSED THAT MAN SO MUCH.
SIN CARA IS HERE AND HE HAS COME TO BOTCH. And his tag partner for tonight is Kofi! From one Wellness risk to another. THIS IS PROGRESS. Their opponents for tonight are Cody Rhodes (WITH NEW AWESOME THEME AND NO MASK) and Hunico. Him and Sin Cara start and FLIPPY SHIT right at the beginning. Kofi tags in and DOUBLE AXE HANDLE on Hunico’s arm. Hunico eats a springboard monkey flip, DROPKICK and DOUBLE CROSSBODY to Cody and Hunico to the outside. DEM’S FAST ACTIONS. Back from commercial, Cara is in a Boston Crab from Hunico (HE’S NOT EVEN FROM BOSTON) and TILT-A-WHIRL BACKBREAKER. Cody and Hunico work pretty well together in getting Cara out of his corner. Cody eats a headscissors and HOT TAG to Kofi. FLIPPY FOREARM on Cody and FLIPPY CROSSBODY gets two until Hunico interrupts, he gets tossed out followed by Cara, and in the ring, Cody gives Kofi CROSSRHODES and that’s it.
BACKSTAGE, ROCKY IS HERE WITH HIS GRAYING GOATEE. ALSO BACKSTAGE, Santino is playing WWE ‘12 early and ZACK RYDER IS HERE and asks Santino to sign his petition. And they squabble about Rock and Cena, but they agree that they will annihilate Awesome Truth. Vickie arrives to say Christian is out of the 10-man Survivor Series match. GOOD NEWS? Dolph is now on Team Barrett. (WHERE’S MY US TITLE MATCH?!) Tonight, Dolph is facing Mason Ryan NEXT. Ace accompanies Michael Cole (in a sling) to replace JR on Commentary. GODDAMMIT. But at least JR gets the last laugh. He goes for a handshake but pats Cole’s injured arm instead. Nice. And HERE COMES MASON RYAN with all the personality of a slab of beef. Ryan steamrolls Ziggler with a clothesline and a big boot. Ryan gorilla presses Dolph and Vickie slaps him for the DQ. Well. What. JoMo throws Dolph back in and eats a FULL NELSON SLAM.
FOLEY IS BACKSTAGE and Zack gets Folkey to sign the petition and WWWYKI FIST PUMP. CAR CRASH. I MISSED THAT SONG SO MUCH. I love that he’s wearing a half Team Bring It half Cena shirt. Foley grabs the stick and says “as a Kansas farm girl once said, there’s no place like home”. He sells the Cena/Rock match. I love how Cena gets booed in his home town. Foley says he’s going to get them to make up and introduces Cena. Cena thanks Foley, but he doesn’t need to be friends with Rocky for them to be a tag team. Rock is one of the best. Foley says he respects Cena, and he got heat on Twitter for saying Cena is one of the best to ever step in the ring. CHEAP POP for effect, RIGHT HERE IN BOSTON, THIS IS CENA’S LIFE. VIDEO TRIBUTE WITH BABY/CHILDHOOD PICTURES OF CENA! Oh god, this is so hilarious. Cena is cringing in the ring. Glorious. Foley brings out Cena’s little league coach. The coach relays a story about how John struck out. And how John cried. Foley brings out BULL BUCHANAN. OH GOD. And they play an old clip of John in better days. And oh god, here comes B2. Bull relays a story about Cena being the greatest tag partner of his. Teaming with Cena was the greatest time of his life. For B2, it…hasn’t been all that great…uh oh. And Bull yells that Cena ruined his life. Foley brings out…JOHN CENA SR. OH GOD. JOHNNY FABULOUS! He tells the CENA SUCKS fans off, tells them that THEY suck, not John. Cena’s CRINGING. HOW DARE YOU HASSLE MY SON, he says. So what if Little Children love him? The booing fans aren’t cool. Junior interrupts Senior and tells him this isn’t the time. Cena says those guys he brought out isn’t his life. The ring is his life, boo him or cheer him. Foley says it hasn’t gone all that well, but he brought the best out for last. He tries to introduce…someone, but HERE COMES ROCKY…and he promptly ROCK BOTTOMS FOLEY. Well. That was hilarious.
Barrett vs. Orton is announced. GEE, GUESS WHO WINS THAT ONE. Sheamus arrives sans tan. Swagger arrives with Vickie. Sheamus brutalizes Swagger early on. Swagger manages to take down Sheamus, but Sheamus counters with CLOTHESLINE and KNEES. Sheamus clotheslines Swagger outside. CHEST PUNCHES and SUPLEX gets two. SWAGGER WITH A BELLY-TO-BELLY for TWO. Nice. Swagger manages to get the advantage and slingshots Sheamus with kiney shots until Sheamus hits a powerful Clothesline. Sheamus with some brutal offense and gets two. Sheamus calls for Celtic Cross, but Swagger hits a clothesline to the back of Sheamus, hits the VADERBOMB and ANKLELOCK ATTEMPT countered by kicking Swagger outside. Sheamus hits the Irish Curse backbreaker, BROGUE KICK and that’s all.
Backstage, the Bellas sign the Ryder petition, and they mack on Del Rio. ADR says he’ll throw the biggest party in New York. Ryder says they have to party in the LI instead. Ricky, Al, and the Bellas leave Zack alone. Aww. In the ring, Kelly is up against Natalya, who…gets rolled up in a Sharpshooter attempt. What was that segment? Christ.
BACKSTAGE…Johnny Ace is ON THE PHONE WITH BRODUS CLAY and he delays his debut again to next week. ADR is here and Ace says Punk has been showing ADR up. ADR says the industry is better with him as champ instead of Punk. ADR threatens to make sure Punk won’t even make it to Survivor Series. ALSO BACKSTAGE is the Awesome Truth and…they’re not talking to Matt Striker at all. TREMENDOUS. PUNK IS WALKING BACKSTAGE. And is attacked by ADR! The refs separate them.
IN THE RING, RICARDO INTRODUCES EL PATRON (who rides in in a Mercedes Benz SL550, $120,000) and Justin Roberts introduces Mark Henry (with awesome new shirt). Big Show arrives with his stupid WMD Shirt and Punk (and it’s not Clobbering time) and he’s going straight for ADR. Show calms him down and we start with him an ADR. Del Rio CLUBS THE FUCK out of ADR and OW FUCK CHOP OW OW TWICE OW. Scoop slam and Punk tags in and I think Punk is angry and sumps a mudhole in ADR. Punk Suplex gets two. Show tags in and PUNCH. ADR tags Henry in and IT’S TIME FOR SLOW. Henry overpowers Show twice after tying up. Show finally overpowers Henry after a third time, tries a scoop slam but CHOCOLATE DROP gets Henry two. Henry focuses on Show’s leg. ADR tags in and KICKS SHOW’S FACE OFF. Henry tags back in but Show gets the advantage after headbutts and a shoulderblock knocking Henry down. Henry runs away and tags ADR and they get into it. Back from commercial, apparently Punk has tagged in and him and ADR are down. ADR tags Henry in and VICIOUS ATTACK on Punk. Henry stands on Punk’s chest. Henry tags ADR in and focuses his attack on the injured shoulder of Punk. Tilt-a-whirl backbreaker gets ADR two. Henry tags in and continues brutalizing Punk. ADR tags in and Punk battles out of Del Rio’s submission. Punk with NECKBREAKER and KICK TO HENRY. SHOW KICKS HENRY TOO. Punk goes for the flying clothesline on Del Rio, but Henry pushes him out of the way and CATCHES PUNK IN MID-AIR AND WORLD’S STRONGEST SLAM. Show chases Henry out but Del Rio pins Punk anyway. Del Rio puts Punk in the Cross Arm Breaker for awhile until Show returned to break it up. Del Rio runs away.
HERE COMES SANTINO. AND HE’S ON THE MIC. OH SHIT. He reminds everyone that this is the city and the building where he became the Royal Rumble runner up and says next time he comes to Boston, he will be a champ AND HERE COMES KEVIN NASH. With his own stick. Santino asks Nash to please not beat him up to make a statement. Nash said he was a fan of Santino and asks to see the Trombone…and kicks Santino’s head off. Nash said he got the biggest reaction and says he’s here and Haitch isn’t. Jacknife Powerbomb to Santino and NASH LEAVES.
NEXT WEEK…Jonah Hill guest stars and I don’t give a shit. NEVERMIND THAT SHIT, WADE BARRETT ARRIVES with his Survivor Series team in tow. Wade grabs the stick and says Orton is the past and he is the Present and Future. In front of his team, he will de-venomize the viper. Randy Orton (having shaved his pube beard) and his SS team arrive. This was an okay match until Cody attacks Orton for the DQ and HUGE BRAWL with Orton hitting the RKO and Ryan tosses Hunico to his team.
The crowd is hot for Rocky. Nice. Boston smells what the Rock is cooking and he grabs the mic. He runs his day down and even after shooting GI Joe in New Orleans, he couldn’t wait to say FINALLY THE ROCK HAS COME BACK TO BOSTON. IN SIX DAYS, Survivor Series…but it isn’t right now. He says he loves Foley like a brother but he couldn’t sit backstage while Foley serves that segment up to the fans. When Rocky speaks, it trends on Twitter. Like when he says BOOTS TO ASSES. And the fans eat it up and chants BOOTS TO ASSES. Goddamn, he still has it. He came all the way here to rock Monday Night Raw. And he wants Awesome Truth RIGHT NOW. Cue Awesome Truth’s music and they WALK TO THE RING. Miz tells Rocky REALLY. Truth tells Rock that if he thinks he’s going to do anything to them, he’s delusional. Raw gets Rocked? Whenever Awesome Truth is on the show, Raw gets AWESOME. Miz doesn’t care about Rocky’s day, he and Truth just want to leave Rock a mess. But it’s not happening yet. They don’t care what Rock wants and what the people want. It’s what Awesome Truth wants. They want to make history at Survivor Series. Today Raw gets Rocked, but at SS, Rock gets Beat. AND HERE COMES CENA TO RISE ABOVE A HAT, I suppose. Cena asks Miz if he’s wearing makeup. He says to excuse Rocky says he’s the captain of Team Bring It all Rocky’s brought is messages via satellite. Rocky says to excuse Cena because this is the first time he’s getting support from someone who has hit puberty. Ouch. Rock says he should stop being concerned about rising above hate, and start getting concerned about Rocky’s size 15 boot rising up and kicking him in the lady parts. ALSO CENA’S LADY PARTS IS TRENDING WORLDWIDE. And the crowd chants Lady Parts. TREMENDOUS. Cena says they have to be a team and if Rock’s Ego gets in the way, Cena bitchslapped Rocky is going to trending worldwide. Miz says he’s sick of this crap. The last time Rock and Cena bickered, he won the main event at Wrestlemania. Truth says Little Johnny and Little Rocky go back and forth for the Little Jimmies, they’ll leave and see them Sunday. Rocky stops them and reminds them that BOOTS TO ASSES. Rock hits the Rock Bottom on Truth. Cena has Miz up for the AA, but grabs Miz for the ROCK BOTTOM. And YOU CAN’T SEE ME on Cena from the stage. Nice.
Final Thoughts: Well, Raw was a mixed bag for a go-home show for SS.
The Michael Cole challenge was a waste of time (except for JR BUSTING A GODDAMN MOVE and CM PUNK WITH THE VICE) and I thought we were rid of him for the night, but noooooooo…
The Cara/Kofi vs. Cody/Hunico match was fine, it sold the SS match. The Ziggler/Ryan match WAS a waste of time, too.
The This Is Your Life segment was both hilarious and painful. I didn’t agree with Rocky Rock Bottoming Foley at the end, though.
Swagger/Sheamus was fine, but goddamn. Give Barrett’s team SOMETHING aside from looking good on paper.
I won’t even dignify the Diva’s segment with a response. Clearly it was just an ad for Kelly’s Maxim cover.
The Punk/Show vs. Henry/ADR match was pretty good in selling both matches. It’s hard to believe Punk and Show were feuding just two years ago, but they make an effective team here. Well, aside from losing the match.
Santino/Nash segment was what it was. Just feeding Nash someone until Haitch returns.
The Barrett/Orton match I didn’t elaborate on because you know since their teams are surrounding the ring, it’ll end in a brawl.
The final segment got the crowd hot. Rock still has the crowd eating from the palm of his hand and the guys in the back should study Rock’s portion of the segment. It was just clear and effective in his desire to get back in the ring, even if he has to team with Cena to do it.
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