We start with AwesomeTruth vs. Air Boom. Truth and Miz have the best entrance ever, I swear. Evan and Kofi have matching tights. And they’re so green. Nice frequent tags between Evan and Kofi and a nice double dropkick drops Truth, but both Miz and Truth get dives from the champs. Back in the ring, Truth is VICIOUS. Nice boot to Evan’s face behind the ref’s back from the Miz. Miz tags in, Evan tries a kick and gets SWATTED AWAY by Miz for two. AwesomeTruth are working awesomely so far…until Truth gets dropped. HOT TAG~ gets denied, until Miz tries a Skull Crushing Finale and a NICE COUNTER into the HOT TAG to Kofi. Boom Drop to Miz, calls for the Trouble in Paradise, Truth distracts Kofi but hits the RANHEI for two. A nice forward DDT from Miz after another Truth distraction gets another two. Nice hand clap behind the Ref’s back (WAIT THAT’S A HEEL MOVE) by Evan, and hits Miz with the knees. Shooting Star Press attempt by Bourne DENIED by Miz and the Awesome One hits another devastating DDT for another near fall, except for Kingston breaking it up. Truth tags, but Ref doesn’t see it. SCF gets hit and GODDAMMIT THAT WAS THREE. Miz hits the ref and…DQ?! WHAT. That’s such bullshit. CONSPIRACY! CONSPIRACYYYYY!
Cody/DiBiase next. Cody comes out first with the bag boys. Nooooo reaction for poor Ted. It’s the music, guys. I COME FROM MONAAAAY isn’t cutting it. WE WANT RYDER chants…but I dig the Ted/Cody feud. DiBiase hitting Cody’s mask ISN’T HELPING. Geez. Beautiful Disaster and DiBiase is down for two. He yells at the crowd to put the bags on. tremendous. NICE tribute to his brother Goldust by Cody with the lie-down chop, followed up by the rebound clothesline. Always love that move. Spinebuster by Ted gets two. Cody tries another Beautiful Disaster, but gets dropkicked out of the air by Ted, and Cody grabs the bottom rope to break the count. BORING chants as DiBiase throws Cody off the top rope. Ted rips Cody’s mask off, but gets rolled up by Cody and RETAINS. Great match and certainly not boring, Buffalo crowd.
Christian comes out and has the crowd chanting ONE MORE MATCH, referring to wanting another World Heavyweight Championship crowd. Listen to the crowd, WWE. After Christian insults them, they want him to be champ. Sheamus comes out and calls Christian a complaining little weasel. Sheamus wants to give Uncle Fergus’ lucky green testicle to compete at NoC. Christian counters saying he has the testicles to say he deserves one more match. Sheamus makes a deal, he’ll try to get Christian that match in exchange for him getting the first title shot. Christian immediately agrees and Sheamus leads the crowd into a ONE MORE MATCH crowds and suckers Christian into a Brogue Kick.
JoMo/A-Ry/Ziggler/Swagger is up. It breaks down early and parkour shenanigans gets a two count before Ziggler breaks up the count on Swagger. Swagger returns the favor and throws JoMo out. Swagger and Ziggler brawl in the ring continuing their feud. Ziggler gets a big boot from Swagger, but Riley shows out out of nowhere and hits Swagger with the TKO, but Vickie puts Swagger’s leg on the bottom rope for the break. Riley complains to Vickie, gets dropkicked out of the ring by Ziggler, then Ziggler gets a springboard kick from JoMo for two. JoMo goes for a Superplex spot, but Zigger resists and catches JoMo in a Tree of Woe. Riley OUT OF NOWHERE jumps to the top rope, but JoMo GERMANS Riley out of the way while still in the Tree of Woe. He rolls away and Swagger runs and THROWS Ziggler off the top rope. JoMo runs back in, hits a nice flurry of offense on both Riley and Swagger, hits a DDT on Swagger and kips up to the delight of the crowd. JoMo hits a C4 on Riley for 2. Wow. He sets Riley up for Starship Pain, Riley gets the Knees up, and JoMo eats a Sleeper. Riley eats an Anklelock, but Riley counters and kicks Swagger into Ziggler. Riley hits a running DDT and gets TWOOOOOOO to the delight of Vickie. Riley tries another DDT, but Swagger rolls him into an Anklelock. JoMo tries a springboard kick to Swagger, but Swagger lets go of Riley and hits JoMo with the Gutwrench Powerbomb. But Zigger pushes him away and RETAINS THE BELT. Tremendous. Swagger is disappointed, aww.
Backstage, Josh Mathews is interviewing Mark Henry and makes the mistake of reminding Big Mark of his missed opportunities. Josh is invited to interview Mark after he wins the belt. Matt Striker is backstage, and Vickie is elated about Dolph winning and Swagger wanting her services and is CONVINCED that she’s gonna take over if Haitch loses tonight. And randomly kisses Striker. Nice.
A PPV in two weeks? And it’s HELL IN A CELL?! Geez.
Next up is Orton vs. Henry. Nice video package about Henry’s recent dominance over the past half-year, contrasted with Orton’s anger issues. Henry comes out first and Cole actually does something cool and reminds people that it’s almost 15 years to the day that Mark debuted in WWE against Jerry Lawler. Orton comes out, and we’re reminded that he’s a 9-time world champion. Which means he’s fucking STALE. Big fight introduction by Chimel, and Booker reminds us all that he brought the World Championship to WWE. Nice.
Classic lockup and Henry TOSSES Orton to the turnbuckle to start. Orton tries to go for the knees, and tries to ground the big man. Mark rallies and goes for an early World’s Strongest Slam, but Orton counters with a sleeper hold. Henry powers out to force the break and a single punch on a prone Orton on the turnbuckle tosses the champ out. Mark wraps Orton around the turnbuckle and grabs Orton’s neck and FEET. Ow. Mark stands on Orton’s back, goes for a splash and Orton kicks out. But Henry just DOMINATES until a rally by Orton. Orton tries for a second-rope DDT but Henry headbutts him. WORLD’S STRONGEST SLAM and Orton kicks out, frustrating Big Mark. Mark makes a mistake and gets DDTed. Count, but Mark grabs the bottom rope to break it. Orton’s usual mannerisms, but Mark catches him off-guard and kicks Randy’s leg out. Orton tries an RKO, but gets countered. World’s Strongest Slam and BY GOD MARK DID IT. You earned it, buddy! Great moment for Mark, but the crowd doesn’t like it. Hell, who cares. Mark earned his first World Championship.
Josh is in the ring and congratulates Mark. He yells at the crowd to stop cheering him, because THEY didn’t believe either. He welcomes them all to the Hall of Pain, and declares himself to be the most dominant champion of all time and vows to never lose the belt.
Backstage, Alberto and Ricardo walk with Johnny Ace. CONSPIRACIES. Alberto demands respect, and Johnny Ace wishes him luck…and wishes CM Punk (IN ICE CREAM SHIRT) good luck as well. Uh oh, Johnny has a cell phone.
Divas match is next. K2 comes out with Eve, dohoho. No reaction. HUGE pop for Beth (with Nattie), and she looks happy. “If Beth Loses We Riot” sign and I agree. Told you all it’d be a Punk-in-Chicago-esque reaction. Kelly looks scared, and LET’S GO BETH chants fill the arena. KELLY SUCKS chants as she rallies and gets a near-fall. Kelly flies and gets caught by Beth into a stomach breaker. At some point, Beth loses her headband and…I like this look. Kelly with a bulldog out of nowhere and BOOS. Eve tackles Nattie and Beth pulls her off. Back in the ring, Kelly tries going for quick pins, Goes for the K2 and gets her head snapped off by a clothesline. Beth tries for a Superplex to a huge reaction, but both girls are down. Nattie and the crowd are totally behind Beth. Beth drapes her arm across Kelly for 2. Beth looks a bit frustrated. Beth goes for a Glam Slam, but Kelly rolls through and…wins?! BULLSHIT. Commence riot.
Next up, Cena vs. Del Rio. I’ll assume the crowd’s gonna be dead for this one after the Beth match. Amazing video package about the WWE Championship and Del Rio’s win. Ricardo introduces YOUR WWE CHAMPION. but you already knew that. Except he doesn’t. Alberto comes out and apparently he lost his keys and bitches to Ricardo about it. BUT OF COURSE OUR HERO CENA STOLE THE GODDAMN CAR. But alas, real world rules do not apply to wrestling. Alberto steals the mic from Justin Roberts, and calls Ricardo in to properly introduce him. As it should be. Justin tries introducing Cena, but Cena steals the mic. Cena goes on a rant about class, and then introduces himself in a self-deprecating manner. And lets Justin say his name. This is fucking stupid.
Cena gets the advantage in the early going, as the CENA SUCKS/LET’S GO CENA dueling chants start up. Ricardo trips Cena out, god bless him. But he gets tossed out. Well, SHIT. Back in the ring, springboard kidney kick to Cena’s back after Cena tries charging at him. Del Rio punishing the back on the announce table. Back in the ring, Cena powers out and gets a two after a gutwrench suplex. Fisherman’s Suplex gets another two. Del Rio counters with double knees to Cena’s arm to set up the Cross Arm Breaker. Cena counters a headlock to a belly-to-belly for a 10 count spot as a YOU CAN’T WRESTLE chant breaks out. Another 10 count spot and Del Rio gets up and kicks Cena in the back of the leg. Cena eats a clothesline and tries a cover for a two count. Del Rio gets tossed out of the ring and Cena suplexes him in for YET ANOTHER 10 COUNT SPOT. Cena’s usual Five Moves Flurry, Five Knuckle Shuffle, but Del Rio counters the AA for a near fall. Cena goes for the Fameasser but Del Rio with the SPRINGBOARD KICK OUT OF NOWHERE for another near fall. Alberto ties Cena up for a Tree of Woe spot, but Del Rio hit his shoulder with a sick thud when Cena moves out of the way. Cena with a Fameasser for a near fall, and I’m impressed with Alberto. I thought for sure he broke his shoulder with that sick thud in the last spot. ADR goes to the top rope, hits a splash and gets a near fall. He goes for a Cross Arm Breaker, but Cena uses his brute strength to powerbomb Del Rio. Geez. Attitude Adjustment, Ricardo returns and STF to Del Rio, but ADR REFUSES to tap until he finally does and ugh. Cena’s the goddamn champ again. Great match, except the wrong guy won.
Cole’s losing his voice, and there’s one last match. Punk vs. Haitch. This is gonna be goooooood. Video package reminds us of what happened in the feud so far. Gee, I wonder if Johnny Ace’s text backstage will come to fruition. Punk comes out with the tremendous Ice Cream shirt. Haitch still looks ripped, especially for someone who hasn’t been in the ring for 4 months. Punk attacks immediately and oh my god, the Anonymous GM podium is still there. No DQ, so no count. Haitch tosses Punk across the announce table and it’s pretty much a brawl so far. Haitch goes for a Pedigree on the table, countered into a GTS attempt, but Haitch gets out of it and Punk immediately gets in the ring. In the ring, the two trade blows. Haitch gets the upper hand until Punk turns him around and hits HHH with shoulders. Punk’s momentum gets him tossed outside. Haitch tosses Punk’s knees into the turnbuckle. Punk gets back and tosses Haitch into the barricade. And Triple H returns the favor. Hunter follows Punk and they fight into the crowd. Punk takes control near the entrance way, but HHH counters and tosses Punk into the Minitron. Pedigree attempt, but Punk tosses Haitch over the Minitron. Punk tosses some backstage equipment at HHH and they beat each other back to the ring. Oh, and the crowd wants tables…but gets a chair instead. For a two-count. HHH hits a Double A Spinebuster for a two count. He tosses Punk into the steel chair set up in the corner. Classic chop block to Punk on the outside. HHH uses the turnbuckle to his advantage and hits Punk with the steel chair right on the knee. Ow.
DX chop, Haitch tries a Figure Four but Punk counters and kicks Haitch RIGHT TO THE STEPS. HHH is draped over the announce table and Punk hits a Macho Elbow THROUGH THE TABLE. Holy Shit chants. I concur. Poor Spanish Announce Table. “That was Savage,” says Lawler. I see what you did there. OH SHIT, AwesomeTruth is out and attacks BOTH Punk and HHH. Miz hits Haitch with a Skull Crushing Finale and Truth hits Punk with the Little Jimmy and DRAPES PUNK OVER HHH…for TWO as AwesomeTruth don’t believe it. Miz mouths off to Scott Armstrong, who HITS MIZ and AwsomeTruth lay Scott out.
OH SHIT HERE COMES JOHNNY ACE.
Punk and Haitch recover and toss out AwesomeTruth. Haitch hits the Pedigree out of NOWHERE but no ref. Johnny Ace is preventing new refs from counting the pin, and instead directs the second ref to help Armstrong. GTS to Haitch but Truth breaks the count and eats a GTS. Springboard Clothesline by Punk counters into a Pedigree but PUNK KICKS OUT. HOLY SHIT.
HOLY SHIT AGAIN, IT’S NASH. He hits both HHH and Punk, and Nash beats the shit out of HHH. JACKNIFE attempt, Punk saves Haitch but eats the Jacknife Powerbomb himself. Nash sets up a Jacknife through the second table, but SLEDGEHAMMER knocks Nash out cold. Another Pedigree ends this and…well, that was pretty good even with Haitch winning. That was CHAOS. Haitch DX chops a fallen Punk as the night ends.
Final Thoughts: Goddamn, was that a mixed bag. The main event was a clusterfuck of overbooking. The US Title Four-Way was great and the IC match was a nice surprise. I can’t wait to see where the Conspiracy goes with Truth, Miz, Nash and MR. FUTURE ENDEAVORS himself, Johnny Ace.
But the big story here is Mark Henry finally getting the recognition he deserves. Congratulations, Mark. You’ve earned it.
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