WWE Monday Night Raw Supershow, 1/23/2012

LAST WEEK: ACE SNAPS!

THIS WEEK: We’re promised THE HIGHLIGHT REEL. But before that, HERE COMES CM PUNK. He reminds us of his match on Sunday with Ziggles and describes Ace as: Failure. Punk says Ace sucks at life. Punk said Ace actually told the truth for once and plays Ace snapping from last week. But Punk has an idea, and it involves having two broken arms so it’ll be impossible for Ace to referee. He then invites Ace to tell him to his face that he’ll screw him. And…no Ace. Punk’s gonna go to the back instead, but is interrupted by…Cena? BOOVATION. Punk says he wanted a company man named John, but he expected Ace. Cena says he wants Kane tonight and wants Ace to grant Ryder a rematch and wants Ace to resign. Punk concurs and HERE COMES ACE. Ace says he stands by what he said last week and he won’t be intimidated by either of them. Punk wants Ace to come in the ring, but Ace says no dice. Ryder has Kane tonight in a Falls Count Anywhere match, and if Cena interferes, Ryder won’t ever get a US title rematch. Ace forces Cena and Punk in a tag team match against ZIG-SWAG! Ziggler says Punk should worry about him and not Ace, because he doesn’t need Ace. Swagger’s angry at Cena for the beating he gave him. And it’s OOOOON.

And Ace is sitting in with Lawler and Cole. Cena and Ziggler start off and Cena gets a quick bulldog for two. Punk gets in and he’s wrestling in shorts. THROWBACK! Ziggler counters a Suplex by Punk but Punk gets him in the GTS position and Ziggler wriggles out and rolls out the ring. ACE IS TEXTING as we go to break. Back from break Ziggler shows off and tags Swagger in, takes Swagger down, and mocks Ziggler. And knocks him off the apron. Ha. Swagger takes advantage of the distraction and Ziggler gets in a cheap shot too. Swagger gets Swagger in a RESTHOLD and Cena counters with a back suplex. Swagger tags Ziggler in and hits a dropkick and MULTIELBOW followed by SITUPS and nonchalant cover for two. Ziggler kicks Cena to his corner and distracts the ref for Swagger to kick Cena. Swagger tags in and hits the VADERBOMB For two. Jack gets Cena in a bearhug. Cena hits the Attitude Adjustment out of nowhere and both Swagger and Cena are down. Ziggler tags in and HOT TAG to Punk, FLYING CLOTHESLINE SWINGING NECKBREAKER KNEE BULLDOG COMBO and Punk calls for GTS but Ziggler counters, but Punk with KICK and Swagger breaks up the count. Outside, Cena puts Swagger in the STF, and Punk is about to hit the MACHO ELBOW but ACE DISTRACTION! ZIGGLER ROLLS PUNK UP! IT’S OVER!

Punk grabs the stick and says it’s fine for Ace to screw him on Sunday because he’ll beat Ace anyway. Punk says for one night, Punk challenges Ace to be a WWE Superstar. He wants Ace in the ring. He says he’ll make Ace famous. And Ace…ACCEPTS?! HOLY SHIT.

BACKSTAGE: JERICHO IS HAPPY

LIGHTS OUT. JACKET ON. BREAK THE WALLS DOOOOOOOOWN! And Lawler says Jericho will a) be in the Rumble this sunday and b) will give ANSWERS. Maybe. Jericho stands in the ring with the Highlight Reel set and asks the crowd to be quiet as the boos grow. He goes to the back and grabs the T-Shirt cannon! He asks the crowd if they want the shirt, and plays to the crowd. He grabs the camera and sets the cannon down, shooting the crowd. Finally, he grabs the Mic again and asks for quiet because COUTNDOWN TO THE MILLENNIUM! Jericho plays highlights of his career from his debut to his last match, to his re-debut a few weeks ago. And he asks for quiet again as the boos grow even more. HE FINALLY SPEAKS! “This Sunday at the Royal Rumble, it’s gonna be the end of the world as you know it.” And the lights go out. Jacket on. Aww yeah.

FALLS COUNT ANYWHERE: ZACK VS. KANE. Also announced: Miz vs. Truth! Awesome video package about the Rumble. Backstage, Zack tells Eve he’s OK. FOLEY tells him he can do this, but Eve is still concerned. Cena arrives and Ryder tells Cena to keep out of it. AND HERE HE COMES. And I like to sing with the radio and Zack is in the ring. PYRO and…lights go out. And here’s Kane, with his awesome welder mask. And Ryder looks like he’s about to shit himself. Ryder goes on the attack first and Kane tosses Zack off and kicks him in the ribs. Ryder HOTSHOTS but BOOT TO RYDER sends Ryder flying to the announce table. Kane BRUTALIZES Ryder, slamming his back on to the ring post and scoop slams him. Ryder is then thrown into the ring steps. EVE ARRIVES and Kane drives Ryder into the announce table as we go to break. Back from break, Kane tosses Zack to the barricade, and the apron and back to the barricade. Kane snake-eyes’ Zack to the ring steps for two. Kane tosses Ryder over the barricade through the crowd. Ryder tries to attack Kane with a briefcase which is on CONVENIENTLY PLACES BOXES on the side of the stage. Kane tosses him up the ramp near the WWE Logo and continues kicking Zack’s ribs. Kane slams Ryder’s face on the WWE Logo and continues kicking Zack’s ribs. Ryder’s continuing to kick out.  LET’S GO RYDER/WOO WOO WOO Chants, but Zack is out of it. Ryder’s trying to fight back, but a choke thrust ends that offense. Kane CHOKESLAMS ZACK THROUGH THE STAGE and Kane turns his attention to Eve. Uh-oh. But here’s Cena…and Kane runs away through the crowd as Cena and Eve check on Zack. The refs strap him on a board as Cena looks on helpless.

Back from break, Zack is on a stretcher and Cole and Lawler put on their serious voices. They finally wheel him out to the back, Eve and Cena in tow. They load Zack up to the ambulance and LOCAL MEDICAL FACILITY TIME. Eve says it’s all Cena’s fault before getting in the ambulance. Oh boy. Time for HATE CENA. Oh boy, Josh Mathews says John must feel awful about this, but ANGER BUILDS in Cena and tosses Josh’s mic away and ANGERFACE.

After the break, we’re still in Owen Mode as Jinder Mahal gets the Jobber entrance and he’s up against Sheamus. and Wade Barrett shows up to do commentary while Jinder’s being squashed. Yep, Wade’s putting himself over while Sheamus wins with a Brogue Kick. Sheamus dares Wade to go in the ring and Wade teases but backs off. Sheamus gets on the stick and claims he’ll win the Rumble.

BACKSTAGE, Mathews interviews the Miz. Miz reminds us that everyone that crossed him and turned on him became irrelevant. He claims he’s the number one everything. CRAZYTRUTH arrives claiming to be Eric Fleischer of WWE Market Research and according to his data, Miz IS number one…annoying, whining, nincompoop and…uhh…W.E.I.O. Which stands for, whenever people see Miz, they go What Else Is On. Without questions, Miz is WWE’s #1 Jackass. Miz starts on a tirade calling Truth out, but Truth wigs out and continues calling himself Flescher. ACE INTERRUPTS and he’s pissed off about Miz and Truth yammering on about number one this and number one that that he can’t concentrate on getting ready for his match. He books Miz vs. Truth and the loser gets the #1 spot at the Rumble. DON’T MESS WITH ACE! BUT NEXT…IT’S THE FUNKASAURUS!

Back from break, the Brodus intro, REGAL IS CON COMMENTARY and Funk is on an Roll as brodus and the girls arrive. And his opponent is the One Man Squash Band, Heath Slater. Laugh it up, Heath. Yep, HEath eats a shoulderblock, but he kits a dropkick, then Brodus hits the headbutt, SHEEWAHSUPLEX, SPLASH, WHAT THE FUNK, and it’s over. Somebody call Heath’s Momma and Regal espouses his own dancing skills.

The loser of the next match gets the #1 spot in the Rumble. Miz vs. Truth! Truth has a Little Jimmy Says shirt. Hilarious. The two tie up and Miz goes for brutal attack but Truth hits an elbow and Miz takes a breather on the outside. Truth incercepts and throws Truth in. Truth gets beat down by Miz, but Truth takes him down with a Thesz press. Miz spears Truth outside for the break. Back from break, Miz continues to have the advantage an puts Truth in the Octopus stretch. Truth gets out and SHOULDERBLOCK SHOULDERBLOCK JUMPING SUNSET FLIP for two. But Miz gets the Reality Check for two. Miz calls for SCF but Truth rolls him off. Tries for the Little Jimmy but Miz grabs the ropes and Miz DDTs Truth for two. LITTLE JIMMY OUT OF NOWHERE and Truth wins! Miz is #1!

And apparently, Ryder has a broken back, update from LOCAL MEDICAL FACILITY. BACKSTAGE, ACE is in a robe and OTUNGA is there…with a Fax! And Ace doesn’t like what he’s reading! NEXT: PUNK VS. ACE! IT’LL BE GNARLY!

Punk has arrived and IT IS TIME FOR CLOBBERING. But…Ace isn’t coming out, even after being announced three times. And here he is in his Future Endeavored shirt! With Otunga! Ace has some unfortunate news. The fax from the board of directors will be read by Otunga: The Board has become concerned and Ace’s status as Interim GM will be under review. Next week, there will be an evaluation. And the evaluation will be conducted by Triple H…and Punk says this means if Ace screws Punk, he’ll be fired. Ace says he’d like to extend an apology to him and the WWE Universe, and puts Foley in the Rumble. And he claims he’ll call the match on Sunday down the middle. Punk says if Triple H inherits any traits from his Father-In-Law, it’s Vince’s YOU’RE FIRED. Ace says he won’t be able to participate in this match tonight, but Otunga is his substitute. Otunga attacks, but gets put in the ANACONDA VICE which takes him out. Punk stares Ace down, but Otunga attacks again and gets taken down. Ace offers a handshake, which Punk gladly takes and GO TO SLEEP TO ACE. BUT ZIGGLER WITH THE ZIG ZAG FROM OUT OF NOWHERE! Ziggler stands alone!

Final Thoughts: Solid go-home show for the Rumble this year.

The opening segment was very Teddy Long. Ha. Tag match was fun but quick to set up the Ace/Punk match.

JERICHO FINALLY SPEAKS! And really, not all that much! But what he said spoke volumes and I’m excited to see what he has in store at the Rumble.

Kane finally gets his ring-rust off and gives Ryder the Muhammad Hassan treatment and Cena gets ANGRY. And Ryder is Batman, because KANE BROKE HIS BACK.

The less said about Mahal/Sheamus, the better.

Truth/Miz was fun as expected from those two.

The final segment was just a big tease. I really want to see Punk/Ace in a strong-style Japanese match. But it made me want to watch the Rumble, so they accomplished what they needed to.

WWE Monday Night Raw Supershow, 1/16/2012

LAST WEEK: Jericho wept. Zack got chokeslammed. Cena just got choked.

THIS WEEK: FOLEY IS HERE! Bryan/Punk vs. Henry/Ziggler is booked while Foley walks and so is Ryder vs. Swagger. Foley says he’s here for two reasons: one, he couldn’t bypass an opportunity spending the day at Disneyland RIGHT HERE IN ANAHEIM CALIRONIA. Second, he says he was content in a non-physical role the past couple months, but he already lived out most of his dreams like when he headlined Wrestlemania RIGHT HERE IN THIS VERY ARENA, but he has two kids that didn’t see him wrestle in his prime. He wants to be in the Rumble this year! BUT EXCUSE ME, Vickie and Dolph have arrived, THANKFULLY with no terrible fuck theme song. Ziggler says there are only 30 golden tickets to WM’s main event, but Ziggler says if this is one of his stand-up jokes and mimes Foley’s kids watching Mick being eliminated, but Mick loves that unpredictability and he MIGHT have the chance to win. Mick wants to win the Rumble. He says Cena ran away from him and beat Punk two weeks in a row and it would be horrific when he won the Championship from Punk and defend it against Foley at Wrestlemania. Ziggler tells Foley to go away but HERE’S PUNK in a swank-ass hoodie. Punk says it’s good to see Mick RIGHT HERE IN ANAHEIM and Ziggler interjects that of course they like each other, they get their clothes from the same homeless person down the street. Punk says he and Mick are a lot alike: They don’t look or talk like everyone else. And they don’t hide behind a woman. He says both of them also earned everything they’ve achieved unlike Dolph who has the an ACE in his pocket as a special ref at the Rumble. Punk will still be the champ because he’s the best wrestler in the world and it’d be awesome for it to be Punk vs. Foley at WM. BUT JOHNNY ACE IS HERE AND HE HAS AN ANNOUNCEMENT. First off, HE IS THE EXECUTIVE blah blah poop and he will be completely unbiased. And speaking of fair, he thought about Foley in the Rumble and says…NO. How can you say no to Mick Foley? :( And cue Vickie laughing. NEXT: Epico & Primo vs. Bourne & Kofi for the titles after last night’s title change!

And…uhh…both teams get the Jobber entrance. This should be short. And yep, Epico hits the Backstabber on Bourne to retain.

BACKSTAGE, Johnny Ace is approached by Otunga, who says SOMEBODY is outside. Ace rebooks the Main Event into a six-man tag with Ziggler, Henry and Otunga and vs. Punk, Daniel Bryan and…CHRIS JERICHO! Who smiles and turns the lights off so he can turn his jacket on. AWESOME.

BACKSTAGE ALSO, Ryder is not medically cleared but he’s gonna go to the ring anyway so he won’t forfeit his title. Eve will accompany him. Recap of Zack Ryder failing to change the tire on time.

CHECK ONE TWO, AWW YEAH. Swagger arrives with Vickie, followed by Ryder and Eve. Swagger gets a ton of offense on Ryder targeting Zack’s taped ribs. Swagger hits a Vaderbomb to Ryder’s back for two. Swagger hits the GUTWRENCH POWERBOMB and…TWO! Holy shit, Swagger tries it again and KICKS OUT AGAIN! GUTS! Swagger hits Ziggler’s multiple elbows, ANOTHER Gutwrench Powerbomb and finally, Swagger wins. And we now have the ALL AMERICAN AMERICAN UNITED STATES CHAMPION. Boo this man! They reiterate the main event, TEAM BEST IN THE WORLD vs. HenryTungGler…nah, Team Best In The World has the better team name.

BACKSTAGE, Zack is beat and Ace says he’s sorry for letting Zack compete and tells Eve to shut up.

And here’s Perez Hilton to a chorus of boos. He introduces Kelly/Alicia vs. The Bellas and I still don’t care. Bellas try Twin Magic but Perez Hilton pulls the fresh Bella out and Kelly with the ROLLUP! THE ROLLUP! THE ROLLUP! And the Bellas push Perez down and they’re instantly my favorite divas.

THE TRUTH HAS SET US ALL FREE and here comes CrazyTruth. But before he can say anything, BARRETT INTERRUPTUS. “Pardon the interruption, R-Truth IF THAT IS YOUR REAL NAME.” Wade, you tremendous bastard. He says this year, he will be named the winner of the Rumble, and thanks god that Foley won’t be in. Wade calls Truth a lunatic. Truth calls him GUVNA and Jimmy asks Wade why he talks funny. Truth says they’re near Disneyland and he misses Wade’s smile. He shows horrible Photoshops of him at Disneyland. And Pinocchio said he was gonna win the Rumble, but he lied and his nose got longer. He believes a Mouse can talk and an Elephant can fly, but he doesn’t believe Wade will win the Rumble. BUT HERE COMES MIZ and Miz and Barratt attack Truth. Sheamus arrives and OF COURSE TEDDY LONG IS HERE because he smells a Tag Team match! But oh wait, he calls an over-the-top rope challenge instead. I see what you did there, Teddy. Draw us in with the promise of a Tag match and SWERVE. Wade gets eliminated by Miz, Truth and Sheamus. Truth eliminates both Sheamus and Miz for the win. Dance, Crazy Truth, Dance! And Sheamus brogue kicks Miz on the outside anyway. Sheamus points at Truth with GRUDGING RESPECT.

ACE IS BACKSTAGE is interrupted by YELLING CENA and Ace says he made a mistake. Ace books Cena vs. Kane at the Rumble, then books Cena vs. Swagger NEXT…wait, what?

Swagger gets JOBBER ENTRANCE. Followed by Cena. Guess who fucking wins. Heh, he just assaulted Swagger. GIVE IN TO THE HATE, CENA. Scott Armstrong tries to separate them, but Cena gives him the evil eye. Cena continues beating Swagger, throwing him to the ring steps. Cena dismantles the ring steps and continues beating Swagger on it. EMBRACE THE HATE, JOHN. Cena is about to stomp on Swagger’s head, but he wants to use the ring steps to crush Swagger’s head instead…but PYRO! KANE IS BACKSTAGE and says by the time they face at the Rumble, Cena will have embraced the hate.

FUNKASAURUS TIME! SOMEBODY CALL MY MOMMA! Who will feel the Funk of Humanity today? His dancers are Naomi and the first elimination from Tough Enough. And it’s gonna be JTG. STILL EMPLOYED! And Brodus is shaking his ass. Brodus no-sells JTG’s offense and HEADBUTT. He asks the crowd if HE SHOULD GET HIM. SHEEPLEX, MY BAD and SPLASH followed by AWW FUNK IT and it’s over.

Back from break, and we get a replay of Smackdown Shenanigans and AJ getting run over. AND HERE COMES BRYAN! People are booing him and says people think of Show as a lovable giant, but he is really an uncontrollable freak and says AJ will never be the same. He says Show wasn’t sorry and those were fake tears. He say Show shouldn’t show up on SD and if he does, Bryan will make him pay. He plays up his match with Henry and dedicates that match to AJ. Bryan continues walking for his match.

LIGHTS OFF! SPARKLY JACKET! BREAK THE WALL DOOOOOOOWN! And Jericho kisses babies and shakes hands all around the crowd. Back from break, the Heels are here and Jericho’s STILL celebrating with the crowd and IT IS TIME FOR CLOBBERING! I love how Henry’s giving Ziggler a pep talk. Punk starts off with Ziggler. Amateur wrestling sequence, Scoop Slam, Kick on the gut by Punk and Snap Suplex for two. Bryan tags in and HEADLOCK. HMMMMMBOTCH jumping over Ziggler and he takes advantage with a leg lock and tags Otunga in for some offense. Ziggler tags in and the crowd chants for Y2J. Ziggler puts Bryan in a single leg crab. Bryan gets to the ropes to break the hold. Ziggler misses a splash and Punk tags in. Ziggler tags in Otunga and YOU CAN’T WRESTLE chants toward Otunga. Hahahaha. Otunga telegraphs and kicks Punk and tags Ziggler in. Ziggler with a neckbreaker, and Punk hits Ziggler with a knee to the spine. Otunga tags in and keeps Punk out of his corner. Otunga tries for a Superplex, but Punk headbutts Otunga and MACHO ELBOW! Jericho tags in and…plays to the crowd! And…tags Bryan in and WALKS TO THE BACK. HAHAHA. Jericho, you glorious bastard.

Back from break, Bryan and Punk are alone. Ziggler EATS A KICK FROM BRYAN. Bryan tags Punk and CLOTHESLINE CLIOTHESLINE NECKBREAKER KNEE/BULLDOG I’M FLYING CLOTHESLINE for two until Henry walks in. Henry catches Bryan and Bryan ANGERS THE GIANT and gets tossed up the stage by Henry and they fight to the back. OH SHIT HERE’S FOLEY! OH SHIT! Mick claims Johnny Ace says he’s in the match. Ziggler hits the fameasser on Punk for two. Two neckbreakers on Punk get two. KICKTOTHEFACE by Punk and Punk tags in Foley and here we go! Foley hammers Otunga and KNEE TO THE FACE. Foley’s calling for DOUBLE ARM DDT and hits it. SOCKO! SOCKO! MANDIBLE CLAW ON OTUNGA AND IT’S OVER! BUT HERE COMES ACE! He says he never gave him permission and reverses the decision. Boo this man! Punk grabs the stick and tells Ace to shut up and tells him to man up and tells him the people don’t know who Ace is. He tells the fans that Ace’s brother was Animal and he never amounted to anything and traded in his lame-ass tights for the lame-ass suit. He tells Ace that in the last year, he’s accomplished everything Ace hasn’t in his entire career so he’s gonna screw Punk but it doesn’t matter. He’ll still be better than Ace. But if Ace screws Punk, he’ll kick Ace’s ass and make him relevant. Punk feigns a punch and Ace flinches! Ace looks ANGRY. Foley gives Ace the thumbs up but Ace won’t have any of it. Ace grabs the mic and reiterates that he’s the EVP and Interim SOON TO BE Permanent GM of Raw and he’s not pathetic and won’t be intimidated. Foley says Ace should admit he’s going to screw Punk and tells Ace TO HIS FACE that he’s a kiss-ass. Ace looks like he’s about to explode and yells that he will and he’s sick and tired of being disrespected and pushed around and bullied. Each week he puts on great shows and he’s not appreciated. He says he’s sick and tired of it and CLOCKS Foley with the mic and walks away to end the show.

Final Thoughts: Solid Raw tonight with a great opening segment.

The Tag Title match was what it was, and it establishes the Tag Champs as a threat. I would like to see the Usos challenge the Colons 2.0 for the belts at the Rumble.

I don't know where they’re going with Ryder losing the title, but they did tell a story and Swagger had to use his finisher THREE TIMES to do it.

Don’t care about Perez Hilton OR the Divas match.

I would have bet money on Teddy Long making the Truth/Miz/Barrett/Sheamus segment a tag match, but oh well. I love them getting behind CrazyTruth.

Swagger/Cena never started, but I did like Cena’s beatdown and EMBRACING THE HATE.

Brodus Clay looks to be having fun with his new gimmick, god bless him.

The main event was fast, great action and Jericho was brilliant in his new Troll-ish gimmick. Bryan and Henry was just a tease for their match. Foley looked great in the ring.

But the big news here is John Laurinatis finally snapping and showing more personality than he’s shown in his entire career. I want to see a hard-hitting Japanese-style match between him and Punk.

WWE Monday Night Raw Supershow, 1/9/2012

LAST WEEK: The Ayatollah of Rock and Trollah returned to piss off the crowd by not saying anything.

THIS WEEK: We’re in Corpus Christi and I expect a dead crowd as per usual with CC. Goddammit. Anyway, Kane comes out to a dead crowd and uses AWESOME PROMO SKILLS. Kane says he sees the disapproving looks and hears the weak little whispers questioning him and why he embraces hate. He calls the crowd predictable and in denial. He reminds us all that we live our lives with pure hate, but don’t embrace it because you’re too cowardly or filled with delusions of hope like Cena. Cena represents hope, and everything they aspire to achieve but cannot. When people say “Cena sucks” they mean they suck because they can’t accept the hate. Kane calls the fans liars. He says the fans made Zack Ryder a star, but that proves nothing because Kane was seconds away from dragging him to hell. He says Cena only delayed the inevitable, Kane gets what he wants, and what he wants are consequences, the consequences of refusing to embrace hate. And HERE COMES CENA to spoil the show and Kane and Cena brawl and they head to the back through the crowd. Cena tries rallying with a tire iron but Kane throat thrusts him and…disappears?

Anyway, here comes Sheamus and he’s going to team with SANTINO, followed by the team of Wade Barrett and Jinder Mahal. Comedy Squash? Comedy Squash. Santino plays Damsel in Distress until the hot tag to Sheamus, hits his five moves ending in BROGUE KICK, tags Santino in and COBRA to Jinder ends it.

Backstage, Miz is angry at Johnny Ace for not doing anything about R-Truth attacking him. He doesn’t have any problem with Miz getting his own protection, though. He says he isn’t Little Jimmy, he’s Big Johnny. Otunga approves. Why? Why is Ace so funny?

The first inductee (aside from Mil Mascaras) to the HOF 2012 is Edge. Matt Hardy just wept. Apparently a second inductee will be announced tonight. Backstage, Mason Ryan refuses Miz. Eve finally accepts a date with Zack after her match with Beth. Zack looks spooked, though. And why not? Kane’s stalking him. Uh-oh.

Kofi has arrived because WWE.com had a segment with Bryan challenging him to a Champ vs. Champ match. They shake hands and lock up and CHAIN WRESTLING~. Kofi hits a pendulum kick and a springboard crossbody for two. Kofi tries Trouble in Paradise, but Bryan ducks and rolls Kofi up. Kofi reverses that rollup and rolls Bryan up at two. Kofi with a double springboard crossbody, but Bryan catches his arm and gets him in the LeBell Lock for the win. BUT HERE’S BIG SHOW for some reason. Show starts out, but Bryan interrupts by saying their match ended badly. Bryan’s a fighting champ and offers Show a title match whenever he wants. Show says Teddy Long says it’ll happen on SD, and it’ll be no DQ’s and no countouts. Bryan looks pensive, but accepts anyway. BUT NEXT: BRODUS CLAY!

FROM PLANET FUNK…the Funkasaurus, BRODUS CLAY! OH GOD. WHAT. WHAT. WHAT. WHY? Isn’t this Ernest Miller’s theme? SOMEBODY CALL MY MOMMA! OH GOD HE’S BUSTING A MOVE. THIS IS SO WORTH THE WEEKS OF HYPE. Curt Hawkins looks…what. They lock up and Brodus plays to the crowd and then kills Curt with some nice power moves. HUGE splash to the corner and a crossbody squashes Hawkins and that’s it. SHEEEEEEEE!

Backstage, Zack is brushing his teeth, but KANE STALKS HIM. Then he freaks out and runs. Epico, Primo and Rosa refuse Miz backstage, and Punk just laughs. Next: Punk/Swagger.

CHECK ONE TWO, AWW YEAH. Swagger is here and is flanked by Ziggler and Vickie. And IT’S TIME FOR CLOBBERING. AND HERE COMES JOHNNY ACE! He says he’s going to be fair. If Punk wins, Swagger and Vickie are going to be banned from ringside at the Ziggler/Punk match at the Rumble. AMATEUR WRESTLING~ and fuck this dead crowd. Ace is sitting in the commentary booth and actually prevents Ziggler from interfering in the match. The match goes pretty well considering who’s in the ring. Punk hits the Macho Elbow and…REF BOTCH! He counts to three! What. Yep, Punk’s pissed and the ref’s apologizing for screwing up the three count. Ace applauds the champ.

Backstage, Cena and Ryder TALK. Ryder says thank you again and Cena brings up Ryder surpassing Miz in Twitter Followers. Cena tells Ryder to keep it together but KANE’S STALKING RYDER.

ALSO BACKSTAGE, The Bellas have summoned RICARDO RODRIGUEZ all the way from Mexico give Alberto a message. But before they can tell him, MIZBLOCKED! Miz recruits Ricardo to call out Truth. Miz tells Ricardo to say the most offensive thing possible to draw Truth, and Miz will handle the rest. If not, Miz will make sure Ricardo joins Alberto on the injured list.

Our next inductee to the HOF…THE FOUR HORSEMEN! Fucking sweet. THIS THEME WILL BE FUCKING AWESOME FOREVER. The lineup being inducted will be Flair, Tully, Arn, Windham and JJ Dillon.

Ricardo is in the ring, looking very, very scared. He begs Truth to come out and insults his mother, his breath and everything he can think of. AND HERE COMES TRUTH. “OH LUCY, I’M HOME!” Tremendous. Truth says Hola and he doesn’t know why he wants to pick a fight with Truth. Truth says he isn’t a bad man. He’s the GOOD R-Truth. Little Jimmy said he should let bygones by bygones and let Ricardo go. He asks Little Jimmy if he should let Ricardo go, but the crowd says no. Well, you heard Little Jimmy. But Little Jimmy says Truth should turn Ricardo into a human piñata. Uh oh. Ricardo starts BEGGING for Miz to come out. Truth tells him to calm down because he’s bugging out like a little cockroach. Which reminds Truth…will Ricardo sing him and Little Jimmy a song? Oh god, this is glorious. Ricardo sings squakily at first, but Truth tells him to do it from the diaphragm and LITTLE JIMMY wants to hear it! Ricardo sings La Cucaracha with a little REMIX and Truth approves. Truth asks for it one more time, but Ricardo doesn’t want to do it, and accidentally knocks Truth’s mic down. He tries to apologize but LITTLE JIMMY. Poor Ricardo. Miz attacks FROMOUTTANOWHERE, and Truth finally gets some offense in and Miz runs the fuck away. Next: JERICHO.

Justin Roberts introduces THE ONLY MAN TO BEAT STONE COLD AND THE ROCK IN THE SAME NIGHT TO BECOME WITH FIRST UNDISPUTED WORLD CHAMPION…CHRIS JERICHO! And the lights go off, Swank Jacket turn on and the crowd goes wild. He’s pandering to the crowd again. Maybe he’ll wake this crowd up. Jericho asks for a mic and the Y2J chants begin. Jericho’s speechless, again. Hahahaha. Jericho’s teasing that he’s about to cry and asks the camera for a moment. He tries composing himself, but he’s about to cry as the boos start up. He mouths “Why are you doing this?”. He can’t talk and walks out of the ring. He slowly walks to the back, crying.

Back from the break, Eve arrives and I still don’t care. BUT IT’S KANE’S MUSIC INSTEAD OF BETH and Eve is scared to death. Zack arrives to take Eve away and they run to the back. They get to a car, but the tire’s flat. Zack tries quick-changing the tire. Nice. Anyway, next is the main event, Cena/Ziggler.

After the break, Zack’s still trying to change his tire and…uh oh, Dolph just got the Jobber entrance. And here comes Cuck Fena. Cena and Dolph lock up and Ziggler headlocks Cena. Rope run and Ziggler does it with STYLE. Ziggler hits a fameasser for two. Ziggler kicks a mudhole in Cena and RESTHOLD TIME. HEADSTAND HEADLOCK. Hilarious. Cena counters with PROTOBOMB but Ziggler tosses him to the turnbuckle. REPEATED ELBOWS and a final elbow misses. SHOULDERBLOCK SHOULDERBLOCK PROTOBOMB YOU CAN’T SEE…Kane attacking Zack! In the ring, Ziggler puts a Sleeperhold on Cena while Kane beats the shit out of Ryder. Kane CHOKESLAMS RYDER and Cena runs to the back after tossing Ziggler to the steps. Cena goes to check on Ryder, but Kane attacks Cena from behind and SMOTHERS CENA while Ryder’s knocked out on the pallet below. Kane stands tall as Raw goes off the air.

Final Thoughts: Pretty damn enjoyable Raw tonight.

Kane continues to chip away at Cena, and it’s pretty great. He’s forcing Cena to hate him. I don’t know about the line about “cena sucks” meaning “I suck” but eh, HE’S THE HEEL BOO THIS MAN and so forth.

The Sheamus/Santino vs. Jinder/Barrett was just to further the Barrett/Sheamus feud, so it’s a given Jinder would lose.

Edge for the HOF was an…odd choice. Way too early in my mind, but eh. It’s a nice shiny cap to his career.

I loved the Bryan/Kofi match. Bryan picked the best possible opponent he knew he could beat and beat him soundly with the LeBell Lock. I don’t know about the Smackdown main event reveal, though. I’m wondering where the Bryan heel turn is going, but it looks like he’s enjoying it.

Brodus Clay is your new Ernest Miller and it is AWESOME.

HORSEMEN, BABY. Long, long overdue, I say.

Man, Punk/Swagger was just getting good. Shame about the ref botch. Ace continues to be ACES in his role as Executive Vice President of Talent Relations and Interim Raw General Manager and also Special Guest Referee.

Truth and Ricardo had awesome interaction, and Miz attacking was icing on the cake. Batshit Insane Face Truth is Best Truth.

I wonder where the Jericho angle is going. The way he was crying at the end makes me think something else is behind his return.

And the main event segments (I’m including the aborted Women’s match here) were fine for what they are. They set up a reason for Cena to hate Kane, Ziggler came out looking like a million bucks, and Eve gets no title shot. Win win win!

WWE Monday Night Raw Supershow, 1/2/2012

Last Week: Ziggler earns a title match and Kane tells Cena to give in to the hate.

THIS WEEK: IT BEGINS.

We kick off with Cena getting the boovation as always. Cena wishes everyone a new year even if some of the crowd isn’t having it and chants YOU SUCK at Cena. Nice. He says he’s going to make some changes in 2012, he’s going to wear less underwear and he’ll win at Wrestlemania. One thing won’t change in 2012, he’ll remain who he is. He says the fans paid their money and he won’t judge how the fans react. Same old shit, really. He says he’s disappointed with Kane for not getting in a match with him and wants Cena to turn his back on the fans, but Cena says no. He says there’s no better feeling than being in the ring and will start the year off by thanking the fans but HERE COMES KANE on the Titantron. Kane says Cena will embrace the hate and witness its true power tonight and laughs. BUT THE END BEGINS TONIGHT OH SHIT.

DANIEL BRYAN HAS ARRIVED and he’s up against Cody tonight. I smell either Goldust or Booker shenanigans. Bryan kicks the shit out of Cody but Cody gets out of it and works on Bryan’s left arm. Bryan counters with an elbow and RUNNING CLOTHESLINE. Bryan calls for missile dropkick but Cody runs off and hits Snake Eyes and BEAUTIFUL DISASTER for two. Bryan gets a small package for three! Bryan rubs the title in Cole’s face again. Nice.

They replay Truth returning last week. Backstage, JOHNNY ACE and Miz talk about Truth. Ace reminds Miz that he attacked Truth first. Ace books Miz against Sheamus and says it’s better than being a sitting duck and walks off…and Truth walks into frame and quacks while flapping his arms. Insane Truth is awesome.

Nice 25 Year retrospective video package for the Rumble this year. Wade Barrett arrives and they recap Orton being thrown down the stairs and SAVING SMACKDOWN FROM BORING. He grabs the stick and says he doesn’t care about the new year but for him, it’s a fantastic 2012, because this will be an Orton-less year. He says Orton is the next victim of the Barrage and threatens to win the Rumble…and here comes Santino! And he power-walks around the ring and reminds Wade about his runner-up victory last year. This year, the Barrett Garage will be run over by the Santino Choo-Choo Trains. Glorious. Anyway, this is a squash, Winds of Change ends it.

Backstage, the Bellas are being annoying to the Miz, who says he’s glad Alberto got hurt. Miz cautiously walks around backstage while Truth stalks him. Sheamus arrives for his match and is followed by Miz. who IMMEDIATELY attacks Sheamus with the kneeling DDT and ties Sheamus up on the ropes, but Sheamus gets out of it and OW FUCK CHEST PUNCHES. Miz tries getting away through the crowd but HERE COMES TRUTH. Miz says he ran into Little Jimmy while watching in the crowd. Little Jimmy says he doesn’t like Miz and he needs to get got. Miz eats a BROGUE KICK from Sheamus and Truth grabs another water bottle and waffles Miz with it for the second week in a row. Miz goes backstage through the crowd. THIS WEEK’S WEEKLY BEATDOWN IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY LITTLE JIMMY WHERE YOU WILL GET GOT! He asks a kid in the crowd what he has to say to Miz, and he says HAPPY NEW YEAR. Tremendous.

Apparently the WWE Championship match is next. Backstage, Mathews interviews Ziggler and he says he’s a walking surplus. He says to hang on to your ticket stubs. ALSO BACKSTAGE, Ryder’s backstage and Swagger says he was born to be US Champ and HERE COMES JOHNNY ACE and books Swagger/Henry/Kane vs. Ryder/Big Show/Cena in an elimination tag match.

AND IT IS TIME FOR CLOBBERING! The WWE Champion arrives followed by Dolph w/ Vickie. I like big match intros for championship matches. They tie up quickly and quick pin sequences. Punk with a backbreaker for one. Dolph pushes Punk to the corner and Ziggler tries an elbow but misses. Punk gets momentum and LEGDROPS EVERYWHERE. Punk gets a headlock but Ziggler neckbreakers out of it. Ziggler stomps on Punk for a bit and finally hits the jumping elbow for two. Punk kicks Ziggler out. Punk tries to follow but Ziggler punches him in the face and Ziggler with a neckbreaker on the apron. Back from the break, BOO/YAY punch but Ziggler gets the sleeper and Punk counters with a side suplex and gets two. Punk hits a high kick and tries a high knee, but Ziggler counters. Punk counters into a powerslam for two. Punk tries a suplex but gets countered into a rollup by Dolph for two. Punk counters that into a rollup of his own, but they’re in the ropes, ZIGGLER HITS A FAMEASSER OUT OF NOWHERE for two. Ziggler hits a splash in the corner and reverse powerslam gets two. Dolph tries for Zig Zag, but Punk grabs the turnbuckle to get out of it and rips it off in the process. Punk gets the knee/Bulldog combo for two. Punk calls for GTS but HERE COMES ACE distracting the ref about the ripped off Turnbuckle while Ziggler taps out to the Anaconda Vice. Ziggler gets tossed into Ace! Punk goes for the GTS on Dolph, but Dolph gets out of it and tosses Punk, who tumbles out of the ring with Ace pulling the rope down! Ziggler wins by count-out! But Punk retains the championship! BUT MORE CRYPTIC PROMO! HE IS HERE! But who is he?

Here come the Bellas and the crowd doesn’t care. Kelly and Eve arrive and the crowd still doesn’t care. I don’t care either. Bellas use twin magic and rolls Eve up for the win. The crowd is SILENT.

Backstage, Ace gets yelled at by Punk. Ace says Punk’s problem is with Dolph. Ace books Punk vs. Dolph and assigns a special ref for the Rumble. Punk says he’s gonna need Otunga because if Ace screws Punk out of the title, he’s gonna beat Ace like a bitch.

THE END OF THE WORLD AS YOU KNOW IT IS HERE. OH MY GOD. CAMERA SHAKING. LIGHTS OUT. SOMEONE IN AN LED JACKET IN A FAMILIAR POSE! BREAK THE WALL DOWN! THE CROWD GOES INSANE! Jericho grabs the stick and the crowd continues chanting Y2J and WELCOME BACK. He’s milking the crowd now. God, I missed this man. He…drops the mic? Oh lord, he doesn’t talk, he’s just going up the ramp and soaking up cheers from all sides of the crowds. People are beginning to boo him now as he walks to the back. ARRIVE. MILK CHEERS. LEAVE.

The faces arrive, followed by Henry, Swagger and…Kane’s music? He’s not coming out. But HERE COMES OTUNGA. He tells Justin Roberts and Scott Armstrong that Kane does not want to participate. Huh. So it’s Henry/Swagger vs. Show/Ryder/Cena. Cena and Swagger start out and Swagger telegraphs a backdrop attempt and kicks Cena’s face. Back from the break, Swagger hits the Vader Bomb for two. Cena tosses Swagger over his shoulder and tags Show, who manhandles Swagger. Show calls for the WMD but Swagger tags in Henry. And the two attack each other until Show headbutts Henry twice and uses the ropes for a running shoulderblock knocking Henry out of the ring. Henry grabs a steel chair, but Show knocks it out of his grasp and uses it. Ref Scott Armstrong DQs both men leaving Swagger alone with Ryder and Cena. Ryder rallies on Swagger, hits the corner knees and hits the BROSKI BOOT. Ryder calls for the ROUGH RYDER but Swagger counters into the Ankle Lock. Ryder manages to drag Swagger to his corner and tags Cena in and FIVE MOVES OF DOOM. SHOULDERBLOCK, SHOULDERBLOCK, PROTOBOMB, CAN’T SEE ME, FIVE KNUCKLE SHUFFLE, AA on Swagger and it’s over. BUT OH SHIT IT’S KANE but while Cena walks to the ramp to cut Kane off, Kane emerges from UNDER THE RING and throat thrust on Ryder. He gets out of the ring and SUFFOCATES CENA. Kane focuses on Ryder and DRAGS RYDER TO HELL. OH SHIT but Cena saves his broski! FIRE FROM THE HOLE. OH SHIT.

I’m still half-expecting Jericho to run out and milk the crowd some more, really.

Final Thoughts:

Bryan/Cody was fine until the ending, but Bryan has a big match tomorrow/Friday.

Barrett/Santino was fine for what it was.

Sheamus/Miz was just a setup for Truth shenanigans, and they were awesome.

Punk/Ziggler was great aside from a couple Ziggler botches, and the Ace/Punk storyline continues.

No-one cares about the Divas by this point, why bother.

Jericho trolls the universe, marks out for himself, and leaves. The Internet is mad. And I’m laughing. I’m expecting Jericho to be back to HYPOCRITES/SYCOPHANTS mode next week, insulting the fans for believing the hype.

The main event was just a setup for Kane wrecking shit, and shit was wrecked. Ryder was almost dragged to hell, Cena’s slowly getting more boos because Kane’s just being awesome right now.

What with the slow burn of Cena’s heel turn (hopefully), Jericho’s very, very odd return, Laurinaitis putting himself in Punk’s match at the Rumble and Insane Truth being a completely batshit FACE, I can’t wait for next week’s Raw.